How to show my husband I do still love him...without sex

[MrsHelsBels74]

Had a crash c-section 3 weeks ago, still in a bit of pain as well as the usual sleep deprivation that goes with a new born. Husband keeps trying to initiate sex & to be honest it's the last thing I feel like doing.
I don't want him to feel rejected but I'm tired, sore, very hormonal & just can't contemplate sex, what can I do? My mum is also staying with us at the moment so even talking privately is difficult.

Jesus, DH would have had his nob chopped off if he'd even waved it my way after giving birth. How inconsiderate of your H to even try to initiate sex - bollocks to making him feel wanted, he's not 5 years old!

Is he showing you how much he loves you...withou sex?

As a father of three, I am shocked. Trust me, I will defend men to the hilt but this is just plain selfish. Tell you what, kick him in the nuts several times, hard and then see if he wants sex.

Er, no, don't do that.

Just expalin to him politley that while you can't wait to get back having an adult relationship again, this has to be put on hold while you both concentrate on the beautiful new born baby and you recover from major surgery.

That's the adult thing to do. Still a slefish prick in my book!

Sorry, that should obviously say selfish

I'm with everyone else here. You don't need to show him that you love him, you've just had a baby together. It's now his turn to show his love by supporting you. May have a chat & explain how he can best do this.

My DH was running around like a headless chicken helping me out in the beginning & as a result we were both far too tired for sex for months.

And just to clarify the GP doesn't want you to have had sex by your 6 week check to make sure it's all working. They want you to do when you are ready. That could be 6 weeks or 6 months. Everyone is different

Take your time & congrats on the baby!

He sounds a bit clueless TBH..... just let him know it is going to be a while -and couch that in terms of weeks/months - not days.....

though at that time (also an emergency C) I found a quick use of hands earned much more me-time where he took the baby off for pram walks.... bit of give and take does sometimes work in wondrous ways

I wonder if in some twisted logic he believes that as the baby was not born vaginally that everything in that dept is as it was and that sex should not be a problem!
Having had two normal births and one csection I can honestly say that I did not feel like anything remotely sexual for at least a couple of months.

OK, if he is genuiinely nice but clueless, just sit him down and say look, darling, I am not going to be ready for sex for a good few weeks. I promise I'll let you know when I am.

If he is a nice man, that should settle him. If it doesn't then you need to a) be firmer and b) don't feel guilty. Unfortunately, as far as a depressingly large number of people are concerned, there is still something shocking and faintly wrong about the idea of a man being expected to prioritize a woman's needs over his own.

not want you to, seriously, like you to so they can find out if there are any problems, from any tearing etc. not making it up. it's what I have been told. gp's are not going round forcing women in to having sex just saying that if you are ready to and want to that they like to know that it is all ok and in working order.

please dont take me out of context on purpose.

I don't think cluelessness is a good enough reason for behaviour like this. That suggests he didn't go to any pre-natal classes, talk to any midwives, read any books or talk about early parenthood with anyone else, including you it seems. So I can't see this as an isolated act of selfishness or an aberration in an otherwise good relationship. But that means checking your attitudes too. If you genuinely thought that it was your responsibility to dream up ways to make him feel loved and were at a loss because you can't have sex, there might be some problems with your own attitude to sex and relationships and your low expectations of men. There's a big problem if he equates sex with love regardless of the circumstances - and a big problem if you believe that men who are this selfish are just clueless and not really responsible for their actions.

Get him to have a chat with your health visitor. I didn't have a cs, but did have lots of stitches after both births. I didn't want to have sex until my babies were about 10 weeks (although I was irrationally afraid I would tear). To be honest, with such a young baby, I'm amazed he's got the energy to be so up for sex. My hubby was too knackered to have even noticed we'd gone without!

What I'm trying to say, is that YOU have to be emotionally ready, as well as physically.

In the meantime, he can use his hand. You're still in recovery, have a child to look after and frankly, he should be showing you how much he loves YOU without sex.

Maybe he is craftily (in his view) angling for a 'night at Centre Parcs'.

I still don't want sex and it's 7 years now!! haha!

Not sure if this is urban myth, but I heard about a GP about having to treat a man who had cut himself on his wife's metal staples trying to have sex with her before her stiches were out after tearing during childbirth.

If he is as clueless as he sounds I would tell him that the doctor said that you aren't able to have sex for whatever - 6 weeks, 2 months - because there is a risk of prolapse (of some organ or other) due to emergeny CS. So he will have to wait until after the 6 week / 8 week/10 week check up.

you are suggesting she lie to her husband rather than just say hun i am not up to it yet. my brief foray back in to mumsnet is well and truly over.

I don't think cluelessness as to the correct procedure is relevant at all. The thing is in a loving relationship sex should not be about "getting some", or "giving in" it is a shared experience. He doesn't need to know what you are "meant" to do, he needs to look at you and listen to you and respond to your individual needs and he isn't which means the sex is all about him and he either doesn't notice (because he doesn't feel he needs to) or doesn't care about how you feel.

I have sympathy for couples during the post baby phase where it can be really hard to work together instead of against each other during great stress but he clearly has some horrible ideas about sex and closeness and you are blaming yourself for his inadequacy which is no good at all.

It is always nice to show your husband you love them, you shouldn't have to do it in order to stop him putting pressure on you for sex.

Why are you worrying about how to show him love when you clearly isn't thinking that about you?

If he's a bit clueless tehn you need to give him a clue!
How about 'DH - You seem to think that your advances are appropriate but given that I am recovering from a major operation and have a very young baby I think you need to ajust your expectations for a few more weeks and maybe even longer'

I mean REALLY? he's that clueless?

'he might be feeling a bit left out and finding the new way of life difficult to adjust to and looking for some familiar comfort. a new baby is a difficult thing for a man to adjust to as well and i feel for them when i hear all this they need to suck it up, its all about the woman but we still expect them to be loving and devoted partners.'

Oh, please! He's an adult who chose to create a child with someone. Feeling left out, finding new way of life difficult to adjust to . . . aw, diddums.

Adults, male and female, suck things up all the time in life and still manage to be loving and devoted partners. Unless they're the immature arsewipe variety of adult.

Who cares about making sure he's feeling loved?! You've just had major abdominal surgery to make him a father, what more proof does he need?! All he needs is to suck it up. There's so much going on right now for you that him feeling loved is so low on the list of priorities that it's barely present.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but when we had our Ds, my Dh knew I loved him but also realised that the baby's needs and my healing and readjusting came way ahead of him. That changed, of course, but it's as it should be.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but when we had our Ds, my Dh knew I loved him but also realised that the baby's needs and my healing and readjusting came way ahead of him

Absolutely, but if you are married to a prat, which OP could be, just fobbing him off might be the easiest thing. Also he might be jealous of new baby which might be the reason, OP could just tell him to grow up and give a firm talking to similar to the above comments but the result might be a miserable sorry for himself pia, so for the OP's sake it might just be easier to lie imo.

Oh yeah, I was forgetting about the man-child factor...

OP wouldn't be posting here if her DH realised that the baby's needs and my healing and readjusting came way ahead of him

Loving the 1st comment from balotelli

As you have said OP he maybe isn't meaning to be a complete knob jockey - he is just a bit clueless.

Why not actually tell him the 'facts'. When you're sitting in bed etc one night, 'only another few weeks for my stitches etc to calm down / feel better / after my check up at hospital etc - and then we might be able to actually 'have sex | shag | go at it like rabbits | make love do it'.

Obviously that is a very childish way to say it but it might be a gentler way of telling him that you actually can't yet but still make him feel wanted.

Bloody men - they have no fucking clue!

Thing is, a lot of marriages founder when the first baby arrives due to the selfishness of the man. Because a lot of women don't really notice how much the Relationship (prior to having DC) revolves around the meeting of the man's needs. (I know, I know, not YOUR nigel, plenty of relationships are mutually beneficial and luvverly and all that). Women in relationships with selfish men, with men who can't fully comprehend that women are people but see them as there to make the man's life happy, have often got accustomed to letting him get his own way, letting him choose what film to see, where to go on holiday, what to watch on the telly, what to have for dinner, because, oh well, you know, it's only a little thing, no point having a row about it, I don't really mind. Etc.

And then there's a baby. Actually, sometimes it starts during pregnancy. DV, that is. The woman is being sick all the time, she's tired, she doesn't want to go out clubbing till 4 am any more and she's not in the mood for sex right now either. Nice men accept this even if they are a bit disappointed. Abusive men start to piss and moan about how she's 'changed'.
When the baby's actually arrived and the woman is, understandably, absorbed in taking care of it, and recovering from the birth, selfish men act up. Some go out and get pissed, some start affairs because the poor diddums feels neglected... Some actually get violent.

The main point is, OP, if your H is an arse, he isn't going to improve and the sooner you get rid, the better. Sorry love, but that really is the bottom line.