Relationship with DH since baby born

[Marie12]

Since my baby was born 10 months ago all my husband and I seem to do is argue over who has the hardest life - me SAHM (until June)or him, working full time! It is a major issue between us and causes arguments most days. Whenever we try and discuss it we end up arguing - e.g. 'I am really tired, yeah so am I, I have had to go out to work all day and face people...' When I return to work i will beworking 3 days a week and so juggling home life and work life and I just know that all he will say then is that my life is easier becasue I am only working 3 days a week! (He has already said it!)

Sounds petty I know, but it is really coming between us now and I don't know what to do. Have got no support here so we rarely go out together as a couple (nearest family 70 miles away) and no friends to rely on. Our DS is a really good baby and sleeps through all night from 6.30/7 for 12 hours so we have our evenings together but all we ever do is slump in front of the tv! Don't feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger about it e.g. health visitor....

Any advice? thoughts?

Sounds to me like he needs to try being at home all day with a 10 month old! Can you go away for a couple of days and leave him to get on with it? And don't forget to leave him a list of the jobs that you get done round the house at the same time.

You need to try and nip this in the bud, I think. Tbh, it's going to be much harder when you are juggling both work and home (and I'm guessing that it's just going to be you doing the juggling). He needs to take some responsibility for your home life too, and to do that, he needs to know what it really involves.

Good luck. I'm not surprised it's becoming a big issue. Try and sort it out now before it gets any worse.

Dh needs to know how much hard work it is, My DH was similar When my DS was 8 months old my husband got made redundant and he stayed at home for 3 weeks while i went and got some temp work, it really hit him on how difficult it was to juggle the baby and the house work and by the end of the 3 weeks begging me not to go back ( luckily he got work a week after that) , that made he soon see and he has never questioned how hard it is again..... Good Luck

He just thinks its easy - hardly ever helps me with DS in evenings when he gets home or at weekend. Says hes too tired. When I say I need a break he says 'when do I get a break?'...er, every night when you come home and every weekend!!!! He says that I get breaks in the day when DS has his naps!!

Sorry but when we decided to have a baby I wasn't aware that all the parental responsibility would be mine!

As for going away, I've got no chance! He looked after DS for one day in January while I had a day at Ragdale Hall, that made him realise what I do, but sadly it has long since been forgotten...

they do forget , i had to explain to my husband that he actually leads 2 life's as he goes to work for 40 hours a week , while i do the same day in day out, it really hard to make them see without having to take drastic action!

Hi Marie

My DH is at home until DD was 3.5 months and then he took over. He thinks he is incredibly lucky to be able to do it but now he understands why I was so upset in the early days when he had to work 7 days and there was no break. Also he still admits that he switches off or tries to get out for a run as soon as I come home as he needs the change, also at the weekend I become more FT Mum. I think HomeDads have a better deal because working mums feel so guilty and try and pack so much into 2 days! Small things help a lot, just taking it on turns to have a lie in at the weekend. Tbh it is easy to say "I go out to work" but you stay home to work and I'm sure DH has a lunch break! I don't know what your DH does but I run a busy IT Dept for a bank and my days can be fairly stressful but when I come home (by 6:30 all going well) then thats my time with DD until 8pm when she goes to bed. I think you need to negotiate some regular "you" time at the weekend, even if it just a couple of hours to do with as you please. Also do you have friends you can go out with, DH & I don't often get out at night together but we make a point of going out separately with friends. This makes a big difference,especially to DH - just make sure you negotiate for a lie in the morning after!

marie, some guys jsut wont admit its a harder life with babies and children, they just mentally acknowledge its different.
has he any mates with kids similar age but who are more hands on dads who appreciate what the mums do.
i know it took a while for my dh to realise that being at home is hectic. and tiring but you prob wouldnt change it. they just dont get that bit.

wrtie your thougths down and post them to him at his work! would he flip the lid with that? but maybe talking about in a diff environment might help.

or book a date with him? have you a baby sitter for an hour even , a stroll , a coofee, a drink something little, ...hth

Oh my God - I could have written this (sorry have only read the original post). This is exactly the same as me and dp.

We do the whose got the hardest life too. Especially just recently as he's had a promotion so is coming in later and later.

It is hard to get a break when you don't have family or friends nearby and I've been through this similar situation. Whenever we feel like we need a break we take it in turns to go out by ourselves on the weekends. By this I mean I go and have a haircut or go shopping, or DH goes out and does his own thing this way you all benefit. It's good to have time to yourself we all need it and it's nice for kids to spend time alone with their dads. Most of all it's good for dads to sample our day to day routine!!! Give it a try and goodluck!

Dp thinks it's easy cus at weekends he doesall the nice playing things like baths, playing, cuddling while ~I get on with the 'work' i.e., bottles, washing, feeding etc. He thinks I play and shop all day and leaves me jobs to do like 'could i just pop in morrisons and pick up up his dry cleaning' Grrrrrrrrr

Marie12 have you tried having aweekend or a day away where he has got to do it all? Dp has looked after ds once when i went to cinemawth a friend and rang me in the middle of the film cus he couldn't find his medicine!!!!!!!

Dp thinks it's easy cus at weekends he doesall the nice playing things like baths, playing, cuddling while ~I get on with the 'work' i.e., bottles, washing, feeding etc. He thinks I play and shop all day and leaves me jobs to do like 'could i just pop in morrisons and pick up up his dry cleaning' Grrrrrrrrr

Marie12 have you tried having aweekend or a day away where he has got to do it all? Dp has looked after ds once when i went to cinemawth a friend and rang me in the middle of the film cus he couldn't find his medicine!!!!!!!

Its seems you both think youre getting the shitty end of the stick, and tbh its true.

Neither of you seem to appreciate what the other one is doing.

Make time to sit down on an evening, turn the telly off and talk about it.

We do talk about it, but we never get anywhere. A day or two later it rears its ugly head again. Tbh, I am hoping things will improve when I go back to work,...wishful thinking!

Thanks for all your comments, its nice to know I am not alone!

Sounds cr*p to me! It sounds to me as if haveing a baby has changed your life dramatically but his hasn't and he isn't taking responsibility for being a parent. And I guess as your ds goes to bed so early he doesn't see very much of him so doesn't have much of a relationship with him, maybe that's the problem.

Can you encourage him to play more with your ds in the morning, at weekends (it gets more interesting playing with them as they get older), or sit with him with a book before he goes to bed...

Why can't you leave them together for a couple of hours on their own?

And do somethign for yourself in the evening (once ds has gone to bed if your dh won't put him to bed)

Leaving him for a day on his own with baby will do the trick. Unfortunately it's the only way because logic tells them it can't be difficult to be at home with a baby compared to a job. You've got to show him and one day will do it and the minute he apologises you can start to build bridges again.

Marie12 What a pain in the arse! Why dont you show him this thred and really try talking to him again? I think the advice given is right to try and get some you time. I know its hard, like a vishous circle but you dont want to end up resenting each other, this is a hurdle you can cross over with your dh. i honestly believe communication is the key and thats why we end up with these arguments half the time Usually because other halfs dont listen!
I wish you all the best and i hope things work out for you in the end xxxxx

Would second robin3's suggestion.
Was the same here until ds was 18 months and I had to spend 5 days in hospital with no notice. (Beforehand if I'd left ds wih dh I'd pre-prepared all the meals, drinks, clothes, laid out toys etc. etc - and sorted his food, clothes etc. out too.)
When I said how hard it was I honestly think he thought it was due to my emotions being all over the shop since ds had been born.
Since then he's been quite accomodating. I've had evenings out, a couple of weekends away, lie-ins at the weekend, dh bathing ds once or twice a week, evening meals cooked for me and so on. Just small things that make you feel appreciated.

Agree with Robin3 and madmarchare.

You have spent so long at odds that your positions on this have become polarised, adn for want of a better phrase - quite "tit for tat".

It IS tough. I have every sympathy for you. But i also know where your DH is coming from. (Plus me and DP have been in your situation and we both needed to step down from our high horses).

A night out - or a special night in - is both what you need so you can sit down and talk and be a couple again.

You both need to realise and understand what each other does and start doing things for each other again, just because you want to do things for each other, not because you did it last time and now its his turn and vice versa.

A good idea would be to visit family and friends that are so far away - on your own - and leave DS with DH. If you can stay overnight - all the better.

you need to listen to each other. tosit down and have a chat and recognise that each has a difficult day. Each of your days are hard and each of you must recognise te contribution to the family.

do a list - each take 5 minutes to do a quick list. whatever comes out in 5 mins flat are the most burning issues at the top of the mind.

a sahm might put
unnapreciated
unloved
unrecognised work
drudgery
24hour a day job
cleaner
shit scraper
no promotion prospects
no pension
no bonuses
no one daying "well done"
constant guilt
budgeting
trapped

he might say
unloved
no recognition
constant pressure
smiling all the time
tired
worn down
trapped

then instead of saying " but my job is 24 HOURS A DAY MATE YOU UNGRATEFUL S.O.B."

you need to say what you need " i need recognition that i do a hard job and one which feels to me like an unrecognised thankless task. i envy your human interaction every day and sometimes think you have got the easy part, i understand, recognise and completely take on board your list and i understand that you do a great job for this family and your contribution will from now on be valued. can you do the same for me?"

When dd was about 8 months dh decided to take a week's parental leave to hang out with her

It was his decision, I didn't ask him. I had just gone back to work.

At the end of the first day I walked in and the house was total chaos, he was virtually gibbering. He shoved dd at me and yelled "OK you've made your point" and ran off upstairs in a state

By the end of the week he was on his knees

To be fair, he had only once mentioned that maybe the house wasn't as tidy as it could be (prob because I went totally ballistic and cried for about 2 days in a mad hysterical way ) Howver it did make him realise what it was like to be at home

And fwiw from someone who has done both, work is MUCH easier!

Only problem with that is that everyone wants to see my DS! They won't want me turning up without him in tow, its him they want to see!

We did have a long chat again on Saturday night (me and DH) and he had got me a big bouquet of flowers for Mothers Day and he made an effort on Sunday to change nappies, make bottles etc. I even got a cup of t in bed! He does make the effort now and again and last week he cooked tea a couple of nights but the troubleis heisnever very consistent! I suppose I should be grateful that he does do it sometimes.

Tbh he is finding his job very stressful atm and I think he is finding it hard coming home and turning into dad, when all he wants to do is ly on the sofa! He is still adjusting to being a dad whereas I have had to adjust a lot more quickly to being a mum because I have been a SAHM for the last 10 months.

You are all right, we both need to take time to see things from each others point of view instead of arguing for the sake of it. Think we are both really learning the art of 'think before you speak' rather than snapping at each other, and if I am being completely truthful I am more guilty of snapping at him than vice versa.

The key is communication and I think we are both quite self absorbed at the moment and still coming to terms with the change that having a baby brings to your relationship!

Thanks for all your messages and support/advice!

oh and one night when i called to say I was working late he almost cried on the phone

agree with custardo

(I saw this thread earlier and tried to find your previous advice along these lines but am rubbish)

agree with custy.

Countess Dracula, you made me laugh! I can almost guarantee that if my DH looked after our DS full time, the house would look like a bomb had it!