Wife doesn't want to know me anymore

[adambanks]

Hi everyone,

Our daughter was born almost 6 weeks ago but my wife is a totally different person now. I'm doing everything I can to help her around the house and with the little one, but even if I just sit next to her on the sofa and put my arm around her shoulder she moves away from me and sits elsewhere. It's got nothing to do with sex as I've told her I will wait till she's ready for that again. I buy her and the little one small gifts every now and then and let her know how much I love and appreciate her. Before the baby was born we had a very loving and caring relationship but it seems like now she has the baby she's always wanted I have no place in her life anymore.

I know the baby need a hell of a lot of attention but unless my wife is asleep, she won't even let me near the baby. It's like it's her and the baby and then I'm on the sidelines like a spare part.

I thought maybe it was something to do with post-natal depression or something like that and I can totally appreciate that she's been through a rollercoaster ride both physically and emotionally, but she's totally her usual self apart from where I'm concerened.

She hasn't even said she loves me since she came home from the hospital but before the baby was born we would say it all the time to eachother.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish in some way that I'm not seeing? I don't want sex. I want my wife back and I'm worried that I won't be able to bond with my little girl.

Having a baby is quite overwhelming and frightening, all of sudden you're not on your own anymore and every moment of your life is dominated by this tiny thing that for the first few weeks just screams and poos and doesn't even smile at you.

This morning after the baby has been fed, you give her a bath, - two inches of water in bath, hold your hand in for about 10 seconds to check the water is comfortable. Wash her all over (no soap required) and dont forget under her arms, behind her ears and knees, swish the water over her bottom don't poke about under there with flannels. Warm the towel on the radiator, get her dressed and suggest to your wife she goes back to bed for an hour as you are going out for a walk with the baby. Or if she's fresh, both go for a walk, but you push the pram. Make sure she's well wrapped up with a hat.

You need to talk to her about your feelings of being pushed out and you can help with every aspect of the baby especially bathing, dressing etc.

Poor you and her. I was practically paralysed with fear and responsibility and shock after having my first baby (he's 8.5 now!). I found it VERY difficult to talk to anyone, even my family, about how I was feeling, which was all the above and lots of other stuff too. I think it's pretty normal to be different after a baby, you feel different, everything's so new and outside the realms of your previous experience. Can you send her here? She might be able to talk about how she's feeling or even if she just read some threads she'd find out a lot about babies/children and what mumsnettters think about various things. I think some women feel they HAVE to do it all themselves too, I think all our ideas about what makes a good mother and how wonderful we're going to be at it come out and it can make people extreme. Or prone to martyrdom! Has she got any mum friends? I think the company of other mothers is helpful. I also think you CAN say, right, I'm taking the baby out in the pram to give you some time to yourself for a bath/sleep whatever (Mothers Day tomorrow, ideal time, if you present it as a present from you - I hope you've got her something too if it's her first Mothers Day?) and if she objects point out that it's your baby too and that you want to be involved. Btw if your name really is adambanks you might consider changing it - you don't have to, of course! - but I started out with a name that identified me and soon realised that I might want to be anonymous. Welcome to mumsnet.

I am really very sorry to read this. My first thought was PND too.
The first few weeks after having your first baby are really a terrible culture shock all round. I really would not want to go through them again. But, generally, things do settle down. Your experience is fairly common - you will read many stories on here just like it. In particaulr, many first time mothers find it difficult to let anyone else do anything for the baby.
I would - try and be patient, try and be gentle, try to get involved with this to do with the baby. I hope that the situation improves in a few weeks time. Try and take some time for yourself and try not to worry, it is really early days yet.

Lots of good advice here. There's no way of going back to the relationship you had before your baby, but hopefully, over time, things will improve.

Is there any chance you've done something that anger or upset her? Is this how she normally deals with problems? (I hope not!)

The first six weeks after a baby comes do suck, for everyone concerned. When the baby starts smiling and taking an interest in the world, things do tend to improve.

I feel sorry for you, your wife, and your baby, with this strange situation. I think you need to talk to her.

So sorry to hear how left out you are feeling - from my experience this isn't totally uncommmon though. Even though in theory, we women have months to prepare ourselves, nothing can prepare you for the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and consumed by the arival of this little person. Sometimes it just takes the left out party to gently explain what he is feeling and the situation may improve. You sound very supportive - hang in there and good luck. Welcome to Mumsnet - feel free to come here any time for some extra support.

great advice from www and secondhandrose.

Mothers Day is a perfect reason show your wife that you can be hands on with the baby, like taking her for a walk so your wife can have some time to herself. What's your baby like at night? how tired is your wife? can you talk to her about this as tiredness is such a common feeling when you have a baby, then suggest ways you can look after your baby so helping your wife get more sleep. I'd find it very hard to resist that offer from my husband :)

I do think though that six weeks is not a long time really. Your wife may feel unconfident about babycare generally, so doesn't want to teach you what she is unsure of herself (I know I felt like this). I also felt that I needed to learn the individual rhythm of my newborn and that took a little time - I felt much better giving my baby to my dh vaguely what to expect. It's a basic instinct to protect the young, so this might be stopping your wife from logically sharing babycare with you. You could try reassuring her that she is a managing really well, is a great mother etc etc (and as it's mothers day, this is what you'd be saying anyway).

AB, I can understand your hurt and can only counsel you to be patient - very patient. I am a mother of four, but I well remember having my first baby and being overwhelmed by love and adoration for my little boy so that my dh didn't even enter my thoughts. I did let my dh do things for the baby, unlike your wife at the moment, but I have to admit I went through quite a negative phase towards my husband. The love a woman can feel for her baby can be so strong it blows every other relationship out of the water IYSWIM. I used to find myself staring at my baby and seeing his perfectly formed features, smooth skin and soft body and then looking at my dh and just being repulsed by his craggy features, hairy face, wrinkles, blemishes etc.

But, my point is, it doesn't carry on like that forever (or else babies 2, 3, and 4 would never have been conceived!) You need to give her time and she will love you again. My mother once told me that when your children are small, you love them most, but when they grow older and you realise they are going to fly the nest one day, your love for your husband becomes the strongest. I don't mean you will have to wait until your baby is a teenager before your wife will return to normal, but I do think you have to see your relationship in a very long term way.

That said, I do think your wife should allow you to have more to do with the baby. Perhaps if you want to tackle anything, that is where you should start. Don't snatch the baby away and say "Rigth, I am bathing her today" as your wife might feel threatened by that. Next time she baths the baby, be there in the room with her, try to involve yourself, gently try to prise some responsibility for the bathing away from your wife and onto yourself. let her see that you are capable and do want to bond with your dd, and hopefully, your wife will slowly begin to share the tasks and the bonding with you.

Agree with everything thats already been said.

THe first few weeks were a blur for me and whilst i took to motherhood in a fairly relaxed mannger (first time round anyway....) i always felt that it was such a huge responsibility and no mistakes could be made.

I didnt feel at first that i could relinquish that responsibilty for some things because i couldnt have forgiven myself if something went wrong. Not that it would have, but i just felt happier generally to do all the important things myself.

Be as supportive as you can be (im sure you are). Ask your wife to help you become involved (I know you shouldnt have to ask) or show you how she does things with your daughter because you want to help her and because you want to bond with your daughter.

Offer to take over the night shift one night a week - if she is b/feeding she can try expressing some milk for you to give her. That will give you a chance to bond with your daughter and give your wife a rest.

HTH

AB I know it's hard but please give her time. She will come back to you, but try not to increase her stress now.
The love and responsibility felt after giving birth is totally all-consuming. She may appear to be coping (and sounds like she is) but it doesn't mean she isn't feeling 100% consumed by the baby. Once the baby starts going for longer periods without needing feeding and changing all the time, she should gradually start rediscovering the things she likes doing and start putting the two of you at the top of the agenda sometimes.
Six weeks really is a turning point too as it's when maximum exhaustion post-birth kicks in.
Also, as you say you often tell her how important she is to you she probably feels so certain of your commitment and so secure in that part of her life that it is a given to her and she doesn't realise you need reassurance too. If you are able to get more involved with the baby aas others have suggested it should help all three of you bond into your new family. And if you can show your partner that you too are capable of looking after your dd, then it may relieve her anxiety of thinking only she can look after her (but expect this to take a few months!)

When my first child was born I was completely besotted - like falling in love in a major way. I was also totally over-protective and didn't think anyone else would do things the right way. It actually made me really anxious to watch someone else change her nappy, for example. I do regret that now because my dh got used to not doing his fair share!

Like others have said, it is very early days. A lot of the things your wife is feeling/doing, she probably can't help - it's a kind of instinctive animal behaviour (we thing human beings are so far developed but something like giving birth makes us regress pretty quickly!)

I remember my dh insisting I went out by myself for an hour to a garden centre. I probably spent the whole time clock-watching but he was right to make me do it.

However, ultimately you will have to get used to the fact that the dynamics of your relationship have changed and you will never be "No 1" in her eyes again. Unless you are a selfish person (which you don't seem to be) you will realise that is how it should be if she is to be a good mother to her child. Some men do take a long time to come to terms with this. When I was pregnant my manager, who had teenage children, often spoke about how he felt the children, cat and mil came first and he was way down the line! On my leaving card he said "Don't neglect your husband entirely"! It was probably good advice for our relationship but very hard to implement in the early weeks/months.

AB, welcome to MN. Don't forget you're both at a really tough stage - six weeks in is hard for everyone, between the euphoria of the birth and the euphoria of the first smile.

As far as physical contact's concerned, she may just feel totally drained by the baby's need for it - you just can't face touching another person. Which is not nice for the other person, I know.

As your baby starts interacting more with both parents it's a very different (and more fun, I think!) relationship.

Just wanted to echo what everyone else has said, really. I think the first few months after having a baby are probably the most difficult for most marriages. It's as though your world is one of those snow globes that has been picked up and violently shaken for about half an hour, and it takes quite a while for everything to settle down. Whilst I know it sounds selfish, and as though I'm taking your wife's side, please try to be patient. I agree that if you can take the baby out for a walk, or bathe or feed her that would be great for everyone but please try not to push your wife into dealing with your feelings too early - I remember vividly feeling as though I had not only to recover from the birth and look after a tiny baby but also deal with my husband's needs, too. If you possibly can, try to bear it for a bit longer and things will improve. You sound very supportive and caring and that is what youor wife needs. She needs to hear that she's doing well, that she's a good mother (daft, perhaps, but necessary!) and that you love her and you will all come out of this period stronger for it.

You're dead right satine, in fact I have even heard a first baby being described as like a bomb going off in a relationship. It does settle down but I think you have to keep talking and understanding... sure it won't be long before she realised how lucky she is to have such a loving husband. Good luck

adambanks, I was sad to read your post, it sounds really tough for you and you sound very lonely. I hope you can do your best not to hold this time against your wife. The first six weeks seems to go on for ever (actually, to me the first 18 months seemed to go on forever - sorry) but if you can hold on and keep in there even if she is shutting you out, there WILL come a time where things improve, and with hindsight - sorry - the first two months won't seem so long. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Stay with it.

sounds completely normal - the first 6 - 12 weeks are absolute hell and you must both be exhausted, terrified, overwhelmed - and hopefully some good stuff aswell!

I think maybe just keep looking for times when you can swoop in and look after baby when your wife is asleep - and if you're around encourage her to grab an afternoon nap. When my dp had our ds1 this was mainly when I spent time with him during the first few weeks - lounging on the settee watching Buffy in the afternoons () while dp was napping.

Then when I had ds2 I think I probably was stuck like glue to him for the first 2 - 3 months. I definitely felt our family was divided, with dp looking after ds1 and me with ds2 - it's all so difficult for that initial period of time.

But it will sort itself out - and you will bond with your baby - you haven't missed the opportunity to do that so don't worry that you have. Dp and ds2 are now inseparable, as are me and ds1 - it just takes time to get a routine and some kind of normal (ha, ha) life sorted out for a while.

Good luck and keep posting!

I think DottyDot has hit the nail on the head, KEEP POSTING, do what you you can but keep talking - it's really important for you as a Dad to keep doing that. My pooor husband has to look after our child an awful lot, and he moans, but he is very good at it. I think that dads/partners get left aside an awful lot.

Hi again everyone.

First of all, a very BIG thank you to everyone who has posted here with advice and kind words.

In a strange kind of way it is nice to know that I'm not the only person this has happened to and its quite common.

The good news is that on Mother's Day my wife and I had a huge heart to heart. I spoilt her rotten and made sure she knows how proud of her I am and how much I love her. She was very overwhelmed by it all and broke down in tears and opened up her heart to me.

Her problem was that she was afraid of being deemed an unfit mother if she showed she couldn't cope. She felt she had to do everything on her own to basically say "up yours" to everyone which unfortunately meant me too. I explained to her that we were in this together and she doesn't need to shoulder all the responsibility on her own and I don't offer to help with the baby because I have to, I do it because I WANT to. I also told her that it's ok to say things are too much for her and she needs help with the baby. It doesn't make her look like a failure, it makes her look like a good mother.

After shedding lots of tears from the both of us and more hugs and cuddles than I ever imagined, things are looking more positive now. She even slept in my arms in bed last night which hasn't happened since the birth.

In the early hours of this morning when the baby woke up for her feed, my wife (although a bit hesitant at first) let me feed her and get her settled and it felt incredible. I didn't think I would ever say this but the sound of that baby crying and my wife saying I could feed her was music to my ears.

I know it won't be easy to suddenly relinquish all the control my wife had with the baby but the first steps have been taken. I'm just going to take it slowly and one day at a time with them both and you never know, she could end up begging me to feed the baby soon, lol.

Thanks again for all your good words of advice and I'll keep you posted.

Adam

[wells up]

Excellent news AB... you really do sound like a model husband. It's good to know they are about!

lol, yeah, we're not all a**holes. ty

lol, yeah, we're not all a**holes. ty

Excellent news.

aww AB brought a tear to my eyes,thats fab news for you,lots&lots of luck to you&your family

Sniff, I am all teary now. Congratulations and good luck you 2.