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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wife doesn't want to know me anymore

48 replies

adambanks · 25/03/2006 06:07

Hi everyone,

Our daughter was born almost 6 weeks ago but my wife is a totally different person now. I'm doing everything I can to help her around the house and with the little one, but even if I just sit next to her on the sofa and put my arm around her shoulder she moves away from me and sits elsewhere. It's got nothing to do with sex as I've told her I will wait till she's ready for that again. I buy her and the little one small gifts every now and then and let her know how much I love and appreciate her. Before the baby was born we had a very loving and caring relationship but it seems like now she has the baby she's always wanted I have no place in her life anymore.

I know the baby need a hell of a lot of attention but unless my wife is asleep, she won't even let me near the baby. It's like it's her and the baby and then I'm on the sidelines like a spare part.

I thought maybe it was something to do with post-natal depression or something like that and I can totally appreciate that she's been through a rollercoaster ride both physically and emotionally, but she's totally her usual self apart from where I'm concerened.

She hasn't even said she loves me since she came home from the hospital but before the baby was born we would say it all the time to eachother.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish in some way that I'm not seeing? I don't want sex. I want my wife back and I'm worried that I won't be able to bond with my little girl.

OP posts:

Dottydot · 27/03/2006 21:25

That's lovely news! Hoping it gets better and better now!!

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 27/03/2006 21:29

Aww bless, hoooooooooooorayyyyyyyyyy

Hulababy · 27/03/2006 21:31

That post is so lovely. Glad you managed to talk and get things a bit more sorted. Good luck with your baby :)

Gloworm · 27/03/2006 21:33

[wipes tears out of eyes to see keyboard]

have you thought of suggesting she joins mumsnet??
there must be a million and one questions she has as a new mum?

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/03/2006 21:56

mmm another one here doing that welling thing. the cliche about babies being a hand grenade in a relationship is very true - and there will always be tough times - but sounds like you guys are going to handle them just fine

ghosty · 27/03/2006 22:04

AB ... I am welling up here too ...
You are SUCH a nice husband ... she is very lucky to have you
My DH felt very similar to you ... but for different reasons. I had PND and he did a lot of the caring for the baby because I was such a wreck ... I didn't have a problem with him looking after DS ... but I definitely didn't want to know DH anymore in lots of ways.
When I got better from PND DH told me it felt like I had been abducted by aliens and replaced by a look alike ...
He was very relieved to 'get my wife back' as he described it ...

SorenLorensen · 27/03/2006 22:16

You made me cry too. I didn't see your first post but having read it I can utterly identify with your wife and my dh would identify with you. Nothing to add to the completely fantastic advice posted here (you've surpassed yourself on this one, you lot ) but you sound like you've turned the corner to me and it will slowly begin to get better. Your wife could have PND and you should have that in the back of your mind as a possibility - or she may just be feeling completely overwhelmed by becoming a new Mum. But if you can talk, and be honest with each other, you can get through anything. Enjoy your daughter

sobernow · 27/03/2006 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vev · 28/03/2006 07:10

AB you brought a tear to my eye. Glad you managed to sort things out. It's not easy being a new mummy but you sound like a brilliant daddy and a caring hubbie. Wishing you all well.

Original poster

adambanks · 05/04/2006 07:36

Hi again everyone,

Just been able to read your comments and another big thank you to you all.

I have suggested to my wife that she joins here but she's not very confident using the pc yet. She says she will eventually join. I've showed her my posts and what everyone has said and she got quite teary reading your lovely comments and words of advice. I thought she was going to get mad at me telling everyone our problem but she understood that I needed to get advice from somewhere. She was also very relieved that she's not the only one who felt the way she felt. Besides, it's not like anyone knows us personally on here.......I hope, lol.

Things are on the up and up right now. The control of the baby is still there a bit but I'm much more involved with things now and I appreciate the fact that my wife wants time alone with the baby from time to time.

I'll tell you all something though, no matter how bad my day has been or how stressed I am over something and nothing, one look at my little one asleep or one look straight into my eyes or a simple grab of my thumb in her tiny hand, just makes everything else seem unimportant. All these years I had accupuncture, aromatherapy massages and disgusting herbal teas to help me beat stress and all I needed to do was have a baby, lol. I know it won't last forever and eventually she will cause me more stress than I could ever imagine but right now I feel like I could ooze contentment and happiness out of my pores. Sorry to be so slushy but people who told me and my wife what to expect from having a baby never prepared us for the feelings and emotions we've felt since she was born. It's bloody amazing and If I could shout it from the rooftops, I would.

Although things haven't been easy and there will be lots of difficult times in the future, we know how lucky we are just to have had the little one in the first place and many people would give their heart and soul just to be in our position. That's why I cherish every cry, every poopy nappy, every night-feed and every mood-swing my wife goes through.

Hope you haven't all reached for a bucket reading this but parenthood is the most overwhelming thing. I'm not just a husband, I'm now also a daddy. I can't believe it. It's bloody amazing!

Adam x

OP posts:

roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:48

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roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:51

SO sorry about that

ds got hold of the keyboard when i wasn't looking!!
sorry all...!

roosmum · 05/04/2006 07:51

SO sorry about that

ds got hold of the keyboard when i wasn't looking!!
sorry all...!

Detta · 05/04/2006 08:00

Adam, I think we all feel like that, and it is wonderful, isn't it? My DP would spend hours just gazing at our DS (now 3.5) and I have to say, he still does! Being a SAHM I tend to be a bit less sentimental, but there are still times when I'm overwhelmed. I hope your relationship continues to improve and hope you'll all continue to be happy for a long time to come. If only there were more like you !

Original poster

adambanks · 07/04/2006 14:01

I think the next time my wife is mad at me over something, I will show her these posts you all have sent and point out the ones that say what a lovely husband I am, lol. ROOSMUM, I wondered what all that was about. I thought it was some kind of SPAM or something, lol. I guess little hands get everywhere when you're not looking.

OP posts:

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