Do abusive husbands ever mend their ways?

[shellshockedmumof2]

In your experience? Have you ever kicked them out, had them successfully attend therapy/medical treatment/whatever they need and then seen them go back to being the loving, caring, non-abusive husband they once were?

I posted a few days ago. Background is I got occupation order and non-molestation order against DH last Friday, he has been out of the house since then. DH has been suffering from depression and possibly worse for last months and became verbally and physically abusive with me, in front of the DCs. We have two tiny DCs and I am a full-time working mum. Am now trying to decide - do I give the relationship another chance if he goes gets medical help and recovers? Or do I file for a divorce now because abusers never mend their ways and there is a high chance that he will fall back into old patterns?

What is your experience? Many thanks for any answers/opinions/views.

Thanks everyone. I think what I am hearing from you confirms what I have been suspecting - that chance of him changing is next to nil. And doesn't really matter if it's due to mental illness or something else.

solidbrassgold I do think that is his attitude - women inferior to men and I was just there for his use and benefit (and I'm the wrong person to treat like that as fairly gung-ho feminist and women's equality and very independent) - he is the type of father who almost never helped out with the kids, esp after DC2 born, other than playing with them and doing fun things with the older DC. However he has also directed his anger at his parents, so not just me (but luckily not DCs)

cestlavie entitlement is exactly his attitude - he is so far superior to everyone else in his view. I have read things about narcissitic personality disorder and sadly that sounds exactly like DH in so many ways.

I suppose I have to stop analysing his behaviour and just get over it and move on with my life (without him).

Shellshocked: unfortunately, men like this often target 'feminist, feisty' women, because they see us as more of a challenge, and it's more of a compulsion to crush and destroy us just to 'prove' to themselves that no woman is stronger than the Mighty Penis.

Best of luck with keeping him away and moving on.

DH now desperately trying to see me and making overtures via in-laws to try see me this weekend. Still thinks this is a marital spat. Makes me feel sick...

Obviously he thinks the non-mol order doesn't apply to him

What a self-entitled twunt.

just say no !

supervised contact with Dc only, not with you; dont engage (and inform solicitor)

Yes, tell your solicitor, keep doors and windows locked, don't answer the phone or any texts or emails; and if this bellend turns up on the doorstep, call the police and explain that there is a court order in place and they will come and remove him. By force if he won't go quietly.

This is a very helpful, informative thread. Thanks for the support Nickname, I do know that really, but sometimes it helps to have another's viewpoint. Good luck shellshocked; I have found it hard enough with no children/commitments, it must be much harder for you, but you sound very grounded and switched on so I am sure you will look after yourself. I find the fact that they all follow a blueprint pattern of behaviour so weird!

NO. I left. And was talked/bullied into coming back with persuasive arguments, chocolates, flowers and veiled threats in equal measure.

Everything was going to change. I wrote a list of all the things that were wrong/unfair/abusive and he agreed to reform and be less abusive. Yeah. Right. two months later he was back to his old ways, and all I'd shown him by leaving and coming back was that I@d put up with anything, and still go back. He refered to my 'tin pot parade' ie, leaving him the first time.

The second time I left I left for good. He thought he could talk me in to coming back.

SGB, this strikes such a chord

"Oh by the way Gock - A man who is aggressive and unpredictable and even dangerous to everyone, which it sounds like your H was, is actually far more 'fixable' than a man who is only abusive towards his female partner. The sort of men with long records of fighting, assault, petty crime, being unable to hold down jobs because they hit their employers and smash up the work place.... they are actually the ones who can be helped because their problems are more to do with poor impulse control and bad backgrounds (having grown up believing that violence and tantrumming are the only possible options when you feel angry or scared). Men who only abuse their female partners are men who have justified this abuse to themselves, who do it because they like it and feel entitled to do it to someone they have decided is their possession and their inferior."

five years down the line, after leaving bullyboy x, I have the courage to go to court to get maintenance (he is in a different country). I thought that after all this time, he might not fight paying the minimum amount of maintenance. NO!!! five years after I left him he's still trying to hide his money, stalling for time, making up some bullshit about me having agreed he did not have to pay maintenance in return for him not pressing charges against me So in five years, he's still treating me like dirt. He still goes into work every day and charms colleagues and clients.

solidgoldbrass - you are very right i think! He had a terrible childhood, he never knew his real dad and his mum and step-dad were alcoholics who would have violent fights, I won't say too much as might out me but I do think it made him very "angry" with the world in general.

Men like that (Gock's partner) - they're sort of not really domestic abusers. Their behaviour isn't really rooted in the idea that a man is entitled to bully and control his wife. (WHich of course doesn't mean that any woman should put up with abuse from such a man: he either gets help or he can fuck off). Anger management and better coping strategies quite often work on these men because they can see clear benefits: no more prison, no more losing jobs/friends/family members etc.

Whereas the true DV perpetrator, who only hurts his wife and family, is motivated by ideas of ownership and power (just like the rapist/serial killer - other peope aren't 'real').

Yes, and my x was the other type, he believed that I was his dog/chattel and he could treat me like shit if he damn well wanted.