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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In your opinion is this right or wrong?

45 replies

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 20:39

I am a regular mumsnetter but changed my name for obvious reasons as you'll read below

My dp and I have been with each other for 8 years. During that time he has hit me, he has grabbed me and hit my head against the floor in front of our 1 year old child leaving dc screaming, he has headbutted me on the nose (not full whack), and punched me in the face. He has banned me from going out alone, I am not allowed to the city shopping with dc, only if he is there. I have not been allowed to answer the door for years myself and everyttime I look out of the window he either tells me to get out or leaps up to see if there are any men outside that I am looking at.

Yes pathetic I know, he's just like charly on corrie. Tried to break up my relationship with my parents too and is VERY jealous and PARANOID.

For years I've been made to feel so low that I've just let this all happen. Reason I have stayed is that he can be good, he has all the money so I feel like I would not cope without him and he can be a really good dad to dc and do things so nice sometimes that other men would not do.

Now I have met someone else and the question is I have a chance to meet up with this new person. tbh I do not see it coming to anything with them, just a one off thing probabley but i feel it would help me to decide if I want to and can leave and do without him.

As I supose it is still cheating . in your opinion should i go ahead and meet this new person for the day. I have an excuse lined up(!) is it right or wrong? It's my conscience on my mind

please don't think im just a pathetic woman like the pathetic woman thread

OP posts:

colditz · 24/03/2006 20:42

Your husband lost his right to have you exclusively to himself when he raised his hand to you. You are well within your rights to do as you please. Meet this person if you think it will help you to leave this abusive man, but from the sound of it, this could be dangerous, so be careful.

Nbg · 24/03/2006 20:43

Sorry for being honest here but I can't believe you need to meet this new man to help you decide to leave your partner.

I can't even type dp because he sounds horrible.

WigWamBam · 24/03/2006 20:44

Honest opinion? I think you should leave your dh, get yourself some self-respect back, and look after yourself and your children before you think about moving on to another relationship.

NotQuiteCockney · 24/03/2006 20:49

I'm with WWB.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 24/03/2006 20:50

tbh I would think of this more in terms of whether it's safe or not. I shudder to think how he could react if he finds out. Your situation is terrible and complicated and I would hesitate to complicate it further. Get some advice from a helpline or similar and sort out how to leave. Easier said than done I appreciate, and I can see how one afternoon with some male company might seem like an attractive proposition - and an easier one than ending your relationship, but any thing gained would be short-term, with the longer-term risk of making things worse. You'd be far better off sorting your life out by leaving.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/03/2006 20:50

There is something just not right here. The tone of your post is wrong. Now, i admit, i AM a bit mental, but, something is just not right. Sorry if that offends you.

I feel like you have withheld something.

That aside, you know full well that another person in the pipeline should make no difference as to the future of your relationship with this man. He wont get better unless he gets help for this (you havent mentioned anything about what he says after these beatings). THerefore your future looks pretty bleak if you stay IMO.

Tipex · 24/03/2006 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 21:48

thank you for your replies

vvv sorry I even sort of know what you mean, this will sound so sad (like I am making excuses for him)but maybe its because I think of staying because he hasn't got violent for around 5 months now I feel like the message I typed leaves bits out as I cannot really give the whole story. I mean he has come from foster families and been in care after having beatings off both parents. He grew up with his dad hitting his mum and the same with other couples in his family so he really does think it is acceptable.He does not even say sorry most times as he thinks it is normal.tbh he knows it is wrong but normal if you see what i mean?

last 10 months or so I have started standing up for myself more, I have managed to get out on my own for a few times and tbh now feel as I am near enough getting one more in charge. What I describe in original message is definitelly how it was and how it can still be some days

I think I do not see this as serious enough as I do not hide away, I may get scared he'll hurt me but i do hit him back

I think if i was a quiet person and never hit back it would make it real domestic violence do you know what I mean

thank you very much for your help by the way

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2006 21:50

This is REAL domestic violence. Call women's aid if you seriously want to leave and don't want to be killed or seriously hurt.

WestCountryLass · 24/03/2006 21:50

Agree with Colditz. Your DH lost his rights to expect you to behave as his partner when he started treating you this way. I would hate for you to do something for the wrong reasons though and end up feeling even more crap.

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2006 21:51

Ask yourself does a man who does this deserve to live with the mother of his child. The answer is no btw. You really have to stop making excuses for this man.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 21:52

and about the meeting the other man to see how it feels part, well yes dp threatens to hit me and him if he ever found me cheating so this may sound mad but i really am tempted to do it just to feel free for a day and to see how it feels to be without him. I know I should have left years ago the first time he layed a finger on me but as anyone who's been in this situation will know it's so obvious but hard

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/03/2006 21:54

Am totally not getting what this other man is about.

None of this adds up.

madmarchhare · 24/03/2006 21:54

'he has grabbed me and hit my head against the floor in front of our 1 year old child'

This alone is enough reason to leave this man before your child think this is normal behaviour.

WestCountryLass · 24/03/2006 21:55

Just read your update and whilst it is sad that he had such a troubled upbringing, he is an adult and his choices are 1) to break the cycle or 2) continue to be a victim. Whislt that is his choice, you do not have to be treated this way and no doubtedly deserve better.

One thing I would say, and I hate to pull this card out the bag on you, but you have a child with this man and he has been violent to you in front of your DC. Like you say, he was brought up in abusive homes and considers this behaviour normal. If you continue to allow your DC to be brought up in a violent home, they too will think this behaviour is normal.

If you cannot leave for yourself, please, please, please think of your DC :(

Caligula · 24/03/2006 21:58

Forget the other man, leave this one. I think you're wanting to meet up with this guy is escapism and avoids the real issue in your life, which is that you are living in a violent home and bringing your child up in violence.

If he hits you again, call the police, because when you do leave him, if there is no recorded instance of his domestic violence against you (and this is real domestic violence), a court may well give him permission to have sole contact with his child, and he will use that contact to continue to abuse you.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:01

You mumsnetters are the only people I have told about this so it is so helpfull to know what is a normal persons opinion if you see what i mean?I feel as if my perception of the way things are is blurred by being in this situation for so long

I am going to leave i really do mean it just how do I do it though?

Do I drag dc through a refuge? No friends or family to help you see, or as he is the way he is do you think i should just say I want to break up like you would in a normal relationship? and at least try to keep things friendly? if i can?

OP posts:

WestCountryLass · 24/03/2006 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WideWebWitch · 24/03/2006 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:04

My HV knew of an incident that happened a few years back. Would that count as a record to stop him getting to dc?

HV didn't even tell me to leave, it was the first time he'd hit me

I think HV felt sorry for him.

When I leave what are his rights to our council home? It's in his name only?

OP posts:

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:05

sorry just got last messages

OP posts:

ButternutSquash · 24/03/2006 22:05

Please leave this man, or he's going to kill you. Domestic violence always gets worse, not better, unless he gets help.

You say he's a good dad, I disagree. A good dad would not hit his children's mother.

Please contact \link{http://www.womensaid.org.uk/\Women's Aid} before it's too late.

Caligula · 24/03/2006 22:07

Dragging DC through a refuge is much, much better than dragging him through what you're going through atm.

Women's Aid will help you get re-housed. The HV's record may help, but speak to WA because they're experts and will tell you exactly what's what and what counts where.

Caligula · 24/03/2006 22:08

Sorry meant to say him or her (not assuming DC is a boy!)

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:12

I have a son and daughter with him so yes do understand about breaking the cycle

would hurt me so so much if dd thought this was acceptable in the future and if ds thought it was okay to do

OP posts:

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