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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In your opinion is this right or wrong?

45 replies

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 20:39

I am a regular mumsnetter but changed my name for obvious reasons as you'll read below

My dp and I have been with each other for 8 years. During that time he has hit me, he has grabbed me and hit my head against the floor in front of our 1 year old child leaving dc screaming, he has headbutted me on the nose (not full whack), and punched me in the face. He has banned me from going out alone, I am not allowed to the city shopping with dc, only if he is there. I have not been allowed to answer the door for years myself and everyttime I look out of the window he either tells me to get out or leaps up to see if there are any men outside that I am looking at.

Yes pathetic I know, he's just like charly on corrie. Tried to break up my relationship with my parents too and is VERY jealous and PARANOID.

For years I've been made to feel so low that I've just let this all happen. Reason I have stayed is that he can be good, he has all the money so I feel like I would not cope without him and he can be a really good dad to dc and do things so nice sometimes that other men would not do.

Now I have met someone else and the question is I have a chance to meet up with this new person. tbh I do not see it coming to anything with them, just a one off thing probabley but i feel it would help me to decide if I want to and can leave and do without him.

As I supose it is still cheating . in your opinion should i go ahead and meet this new person for the day. I have an excuse lined up(!) is it right or wrong? It's my conscience on my mind

please don't think im just a pathetic woman like the pathetic woman thread

OP posts:

jmg1 · 24/03/2006 22:12

After my parents split up my mum fell in love with a violent alcoholic. As a child of 11 (among other things) I had to run to a phone box in the middle of the night cause my mum asked me to call the police, while dp ripped the phone line out of he wall and had her by the throat. It went on for years, as a child having no money was not the problem but the ongoing violence + memories of it are.

I am saying this becuase if you can't leave this man for you, then leave him for the sake of your child.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:12

will contack womens aid asap thank you for the links

OP posts:

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:14

seems so much clearer now

OP posts:

Caligula · 24/03/2006 22:14

Good luck

madmarchhare · 24/03/2006 22:14

You mentioned your parents in your OP, can they not help at all?

itsme123 · 24/03/2006 22:19

My bf was in a similar situation to this a couple of years back. She was with an awful excuse for a man who constantly checked up on her and was like your p, v paranoid and jealous. She lost her self confidence and eventually admitted that he had beat her up "a bit". I do not know all the details as she would not tell me. This went on for over 4 years. She had 2 affairs behind his back and i was worried constantly what would happen to her if he found out. He did find out in the end, and made her life hell. He stalked her for months afterwards and refused to pay her back the huge amount of money she had lent him. She thought that the new guy she was seeing would help her out and they woould live happily ever afterwards but it didnt work out like that. IMO all he did was make her get some confidence which she needed. She went through a very tough 12 months until she gained more confidence and shook of all the nastiness she had been through. She is very happy now but it has taken a long time and she has had to face many demons along the way.

I really hope things work out for you. you must leave this excuse of a person ASAP for the sale of yourself and your DC. it's not going to b easy but it will b worth it.
Take care of yourself

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:29

thank you

My parents live fairly near but in such a small bungalow that I could not even stay in their lounge! Also it would upset me if i had to involve them. that may sound bad as my dc are in this situation but hopefully things will go according to plan. I am going to contact womens aid monday and will also go to citizens advice.

thatnks for your message 123

OP posts:

ButternutSquash · 24/03/2006 22:29

Good luck amIrightorwrong. Take care of yourself. And keep posting if you need moral support.

Original poster

amIrightorwrong · 24/03/2006 22:52

thank you all so much

you will have made such a difference trust me.
I am actually excited about leaving now. as you have said anything is better than this i feel much more positive

thank you again

OP posts:

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 24/03/2006 23:32

good luck amirightorwrong. It will probably take time to work this out, but do it properly with professional help from someone like women's aid. You ought to change your name to iamright (not about the other guy, but in general iyswim)

RedTartanLass · 25/03/2006 00:07

Good luck amiright and if you find yourself wavering and wanting to give him another chance, just remember what you posted

".... He grew up with his dad hitting his mum... so he really does think it is acceptable, he does not even say sorry most times as he thinks it is normal."

Think of your wee daughter, do you want her to think that this is the norm, and find herself an abusive partner? And your son, do you want him to grow up like his dad?

Obviously not all children from abusive relationships become abuser/victims themselves, but you must be aware of the possibilities.

Good luck, amIrightorwrong, keep us posted on how you get on.

WideWebWitch · 25/03/2006 07:31

How are you this morning? Did you call them? I really hope you're leaving.

maltesers · 27/03/2006 20:36

yes leave this man. He may do far worse to you. Take Caligulas advice. You deserve better. this dp sounds really mad. HE should not be in any relationship. Good Luck.

maltesers · 27/03/2006 20:36

yes leave this man. He may do far worse to you. Take Caligulas advice. You deserve better. this dp sounds really mad. HE should not be in any relationship. Good Luck.

maltesers · 27/03/2006 20:37

yes leave this man. He may do far worse to you. Take Caligulas advice. You deserve better. this dp sounds really mad. HE should not be in any relationship. Good Luck.

JiminyCricket · 27/03/2006 20:50

I havn't read all the replies...just wanted to add that a friend has just been horribly dumped by a bloke she had an affair with which prompted her to leave her (not abusive but layabout) husband...I won't bore you with the details but i feel strongly that the new man recognised her vulnerability and abused it. If at all possible leave first, then make sure you feel secure, strong in yourself and worthy of better treatment before embarking on any sort of relationship. I know this may seem impossible, but no one deserves to go from one abusive relationship to another, but sometimes abusers can feed on that vulnerability. Hope this makes sense.

beetroot · 27/03/2006 21:10

have you called womens aid? have you left already?

maltesers · 27/03/2006 21:25

If and when you leave you will so empowered and glad and proud of yourself. I left a man who was violent and it was the best thing i ever did. He sounds so crazy i think you need to move a very long way away. Just think he will continue to cause you more grief if he is near by. Would not want my child to have any contact with a father like that. go to a womans refuge. He will never find out the address, ever. fingers crossed for you. Be strong !

Vev · 28/03/2006 07:13

You don't need to meet anyone new to leave this man. You should have left him as soon as he started being violent. You shouldn't subject your baby to seeing violence - poor thing.

Dunnyjo · 28/03/2006 11:02

amIrightorwrong i am so sorry for what you are going through. However i can also understand why you think the reaasons for him hitting you is normal in his eyes but i know a few people who have had horrendous upbringings and beaten, abused and sexually and they dont behave like this as adults. They seeked help and thats what your dp needs.
I am so glad you are going to seek help too and get out of the relationship. As for this person you want to meet think it might be the last thing you need to be allowing into your life just yet. Wish you all the best xxxxxx

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