I can't take this anymore. Long

[sodownandverysad]

Quick background - I have been with my DP for 15 yrs and have 2 DCs. By the time youngest was 3 I knew that our relationship was never going to work out. I should have left him then but 9 yrs on am still here.

DP is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am often called a 'cunt' etc but it's ok 'as he doesn't mean to be nasty'. He is not named on youngest DCs birth certificate as he wouldn't take the time of work to come with me to register the birth. He didn't think it was that important. I work full time but he'll hit the roof if he comes home and I haven't cleaned the house. 5 yrs ago I suprised him with a 3 day trip to Berlin for his birthday that had taken me ages to save for. First night there he left me in the hotel to go out drinking with some blokes he met in a bar. Didn't see him again until the last night. We also have no physical relationship whatsoever. No sex, not touching, no kissing nothing. He will move if I sit on the same sofa as him. But he's tired, so I shouldn't nag him about it. I am just supposed to be celibate.

Two years ago I started an affair. I know that this makes me a bitch and I should never have done it. My only excuse was that I was desperate for some affection, someone to say something nice to me. It was seeing this other man made me realised that so much was wrong with my own relationship. It actually dawned on me that other DPs don't call their wives a cunt if the dinner is not on the table.

I tried talking to DP several times about how unhappy I was (but not OM) and I asked him to move out. He refused to leave saying that he was staying put with kids and I could leave. My knew that I couldn't leave as I wouldn't have got a council house /HA house and couldn't get past credit checks for private rentals and had no money. I was stuck with him and the affair carried on.

Last week I discovered I was pregnant and started an early miscarriage all in the same day. It was OMs baby. I told OM this yesterday and I know I won't hear from him again.

This is all my own fault I know. I haven't stopped crying for days. I can't go on anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy but I just had to get this out. Sorry its long

That is SO wrong of him! It is one thing to subject you to language like that, but so completely another to speak to DCs like that. My XP often used to call me a cunt. It is so out of order. I hope he stays away and you gain the strength to really truly believe he has no business to call you names like that.

After all would you ever call him that however annoyed you were. I think not .

Hope you're OK Sodown. Just to recap:

DP is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am often called a 'cunt' etc but it's ok 'as he doesn't mean to be nasty'.

I work full time but he'll hit the roof if he comes home and I haven't cleaned the house.

He will move if I sit on the same sofa as him. But he's tired, so I shouldn't nag him about it.

DC1 just phoned him and he actually said to her that I was a 'cunt'.

This man has been abusing you, taking you for granted, for a long time. You've put up with it for a long time. Now he's abusing your children.

I'm pleased he's walked out. I hope he leaves you and your DC alone.

He's a nasty bastard.

hildebrand if you meant generic bad behaviour when pushed into a corner, rather than this very specific type of behaviour, I agree with you and sorry if I misinterpreted you. Was just feeling a bit uncomfortable about a few of the posts that seemed to be suggesting that if a woman's in an abusive marriage, she can't be blamed for helping to mess up someone else's.

Completely endorse the posts about the husband's behaviour though and the need to get out of this relationship. Think everyone's unanimous about that.

How are things this morning sodownadverysad how did you sleep ?

I did get some sleep but woke at the crack of dawn. Dp will be back tonight i think. I dont no where he went last night but he hasn't got anywhere he can stay. No family here.

I would like him to move out and i stay in the house. I think i could get him to agree to this but not sure if i could afford mortgage on my own.

How have others managed in this situation?

Hi op firstly how are you now? Did he come back? How are your DCs?

I don't know about the mortgage etc but ring CAB helpline no,they can advise you. You can also get 30 mins free from some solicitors, ring round & ask them if they do it.
There are other regular posters who can tell you more than me, Im sure they will be along in a minute.
If you haven't spoken to Women's Aid do it now, they can advise on everything.

Hope you are ok?