I can't take this anymore. Long

[sodownandverysad]

Quick background - I have been with my DP for 15 yrs and have 2 DCs. By the time youngest was 3 I knew that our relationship was never going to work out. I should have left him then but 9 yrs on am still here.

DP is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am often called a 'cunt' etc but it's ok 'as he doesn't mean to be nasty'. He is not named on youngest DCs birth certificate as he wouldn't take the time of work to come with me to register the birth. He didn't think it was that important. I work full time but he'll hit the roof if he comes home and I haven't cleaned the house. 5 yrs ago I suprised him with a 3 day trip to Berlin for his birthday that had taken me ages to save for. First night there he left me in the hotel to go out drinking with some blokes he met in a bar. Didn't see him again until the last night. We also have no physical relationship whatsoever. No sex, not touching, no kissing nothing. He will move if I sit on the same sofa as him. But he's tired, so I shouldn't nag him about it. I am just supposed to be celibate.

Two years ago I started an affair. I know that this makes me a bitch and I should never have done it. My only excuse was that I was desperate for some affection, someone to say something nice to me. It was seeing this other man made me realised that so much was wrong with my own relationship. It actually dawned on me that other DPs don't call their wives a cunt if the dinner is not on the table.

I tried talking to DP several times about how unhappy I was (but not OM) and I asked him to move out. He refused to leave saying that he was staying put with kids and I could leave. My knew that I couldn't leave as I wouldn't have got a council house /HA house and couldn't get past credit checks for private rentals and had no money. I was stuck with him and the affair carried on.

Last week I discovered I was pregnant and started an early miscarriage all in the same day. It was OMs baby. I told OM this yesterday and I know I won't hear from him again.

This is all my own fault I know. I haven't stopped crying for days. I can't go on anymore.

I don't expect any sympathy but I just had to get this out. Sorry its long

Well, you will certainly get some sympathy here. I find it heartbreaking that such a man (your DH) can call you a C* and say its nothing. I read the rest of your original post OP, but honestly I didn't need to, that summed it up for me.

I just really hope you will be able to get it together to get out of this situation completely. I think your husband will come back. Unfortunately. I think you need to think about you and your children's future. Sad and difficult things happen to good people all the time, please try to look after yourself meanwhile and once you have had a good rest, you will I am sure be able to make the right decision and take the right action. If you can get help from others as outlined by posters here, all the better. Good luck.

but this is brilliant! Now you don't have to make him leave

I don't know why i feel sad. He is the father of my children and I have fucked it up big time i guess.

YOU have fucked it up???????? Honey, years of living with being called a cunt, no affection or sex, and expected to keep the house tidy any half sensible woman would have been jumping on the man who came to read the gas meter!

It's difficult and frightening, especially in the first few days - its natural to feel that way.

I bet you'll be feeling a whole bunch better soon enough though - just think, no one calling you a cunt p, you can even NOT COOK DINNER if you're knackered some nights AND you won't have to clean up after him.

And then, in the future when you're better, you might meet a lovely man who will be kind and love you.

You haven't fucked it up at all. There is never any excuse to call someone a cunt even once, whether it's meant nastily or not. And he did mean it nastily, didn't he.

Of course you feel sad - I felt sad when my ex left because I'd ploughed my all into that relationship and he had rewarded me by behaving appallingly, like I didn't matter at all. He was abusive too, and rejected me frequently in the manner you describe.

OK, it wasn't right to have an affair but affection and feeling cared for are basic human needs. Your 'D'P hasn't supplied those, in fact he's done the opposite. You deserve to be cherished - never forget that.

Oh god ladies, thank you so much. I have tears splashing on the keyboard.

I think we can give lots of support to an OP, without saying it's okay and acceptable to have an affair with a married man. That man's wife might one day need our help and lots of lurkers might have been in her position too.

I think it's really understandable that you're feeling sad OP. As objective observers, we can see that ending this relationship is good for you and your children, but you've been through a devastating physical experience with the miscarriage and two relationships ending at once. I don't know how you're even managing to function and my heart goes out to you.

Wait for the dust to settle because it's unlikely that this is the finale. But whereas he might regret leaving, don't allow yourself regrets about the relationship having to end. It's the right thing to happen, but there is bound to be some sadness, mixed up with all the other emotions you are experiencing right now. We can still feel sad about leaving something behind that we need to move on from. That's normal, as long as our sadness doesn't keep us in situations that are bad for us.

As someone who is a mere 24 hours along the road from your story I left abusive 'D'H today I am here to hold your hand OP.
It is ok, I have a great life ahead of me and you do too.
Deep breath (that's you and me). You WILL be alright and this is NOT your fault.
x

You poor thing, you have been living a nightmare

You need to seperate from him for good, and it sounds as though you can do better than the OM too

Take some time to be single and heal. Don't beat yourself up your 'D'ps behaviour is not your fault, and as for the affair, well it's not the best thing to have done but it's not the worst thing either. I can understand why you were vunerable to an affair, and whilst it's unwise its not illegal. I'm sorry it's worked out so badly though

You can move on from all of this, it might seem impossible now but it's not. Focus on yourself and your dd's, take all the help available and build yourself a new life

I think it might be an idea to seek help for your DD as she has clearly been brain washed by her father to make you the bad guy .

Charbon i know it's not right to have an affair and OMs wife could be on here any time now. For the moment I am not not thnking about that, it doesn't matter. My children matter the most to me now.

Hurrah he is gone! Objective 1 achieved.

Now focus on yourself and your children.

I wish we could 'like' posts here - I'd certainly be liking dancethenightaway's!

PS is your nickname from the Mavericks song? I have that on my ipod and every time it comes on I think of my ex and mentally flip him the bird while singing along :D

Oh! I'm sorry for how you must be feeling, but this is the best possible thing to have happened.

Has he ever left like this before though? And you have had him back? This is a cycle I am familiar with. I even phoned my STBEx and asked him to come back as I felt sorry for him sleeping in his office (he had plenty of money and could have got a hotel easily, I realised later. Blinkers were on alright)

I just want to say don't be tempted, no matter what emotional blackmail/sob story this man pulls. Be prepared for one.

Try as best as you can to enjoy the peace. In a few weeks you will feel so wonderfully peaceful and comfortable in your own home for possibly the first time ever.

Keep talking on here. These ladies are wonderful at getting you through and giving you the strength to not give in to his abuse and control again

Unmumnetty hugs to you because you bloody deserve them x

He has made the break. Now it's important that you see it through and don't let him back in. Your happier life can start now. Your children will gradually appreciate how strong you will be, how it can be ok. They will no longer have such a bad example of a parent (him) sat in front of them to learn from. They will realise that women shouldn't take an immense amount of crap from their 'partner' - that women have a choice and can be strong and 'go it alone'.

Take the advice that has already been offered here. Be proactive. Speak to WA, CAB, check out all Olgaga's links. Take control of your life. This is a good thing, although it must seem so scary just now. You can do it, you can cope.

DCs are asking where dad is. DC1 just phoned him and he actually said to her that I was a 'cunt'. I know i am not innocent but did he have to say that?

Explain to your daughters that it is not normal behavior to call people cunts, and part of the reason dad has moved out is because he doesn't seem to understand that this is an abusive word that shouldn't be used to refer to anyone.

And I stand by my earlier statement - this IS brilliant (if he stays gone) becauser your situation was untenable.

Of course he didn't have to say that. He chose to say that, because he is abusive.

I wonder if there are any organisations that specifically talk to the children in these situations, to help them to understand that the abusive parent is in the wrong. Does WA do anything like that?

This is your chance for a new life. Don't waste it by letting him back in.

There is a 'place' on the WA website for young people but I would go to my GP and ask for a CAMHS referral for your DC. Please let this reinforce the fact that he should not come back, it sounds as though your self esteem is at rock bottom, WA can help with this too although I think that you too could visit your gp for some counselling.

Thanks Kernow you made me
Yes my name is from The Mavericks song except in my head ive substituted she for he ie
'and now hes gone and i am free and he cant do those things to me'
OP apologies for the thread hijack there.

What 'sane normal person' wouldn't have had an affair with a married man?

Quite a few, I'd have thought.

I can understand the affair bit, but not the married man bit.

I don't think any of the other threads from women whose husband have been having affairs would be telling those women that the OW virtually had no choice either.

This isn't directed at you sodownandverysad incidentally....and I'm very sorry for your plight. But some of these posts implying that this was a fait accomplis that you can't be blamed for, or that you would have been strange not to have had an affair with someone married, aren't sitting well with me.

Well, I've always said you shouldn't call anyone a cunt that you didn't want to stick a dick into, so he's wrong on all counts, isn't he. and gay

Try not to blame yourself for the affair - in terms of guilt for the OW. Her DH made that choice, maybe he has his reasons. Right now you need to make sure something positive comes out of it. Personally, I had a one night stand with someone I shouldn't have when I was at my lowest with my tosser alcoholic cheating ex and it really restored my confidence. It was what I needed at the time. Your ex fucked it up, not you.

Keep going, chin up.