before i go on i just want to say that although this post is really about negative stuff (wouldnt need to post otherwise) i am aware that that can give a false impression as you dont know me at all. dp and i do have a laugh at times , dp can be very giving , everyone that knows me says how much he loves me etc he genuinely seems to want to have a happy family but does struggle with things i think due to an abusive and not too great childhood.
anyway , we met when i was 17 , thats 20 years ago and i think i have lived a rather limited existence since then. We have 2 children 13 and 16.
i have been a sahm ever since , except for periods where i worked as a cleaner (just cash in hand , peoples houses) i never really had a decent job to go back to after the children and with having no childcare and dp working long unsociable hours i never found anything i could do. have applied for things with no success and the last few years had such problems with ds2 (currently being assessed for asd) that i have needed to be here before and after school so i have been at home.
i do feel a bit of a failure really and its also partly due to a huge loss of confidence in myself.
now , the problem, i cannot talk to anyone in RL i feel embarassed and i have been turning this over and over since yesterday.
dp and i had alot of sex (as you do) in the early days . when ds1 came along it was a huge shock to me. i was 19 , i felt out of my depth and very anxious. dp had (still has) a really really high sex drive. at the time an issue arose because i just wasnt up to sex and he was really narked. his response wasnt good , he lost his temper with it at times and did things like slamming door of bedroom and shouting waking the baby up . called me a bitch and generally creating a massive upset which completely made an issue of sex for me and seemed to put me off ever since.
we have had sex less and less over the last 10 years , i used to do it even when i didnt want to some of the time to keep him happy but eventually as i matured and his attitude with it put me off more and more i started to be practically unable to even manage that.
he once got really narked , and one morning wanked in a pair of my knickers and left them for me to find .
i was shocked and upset and although that was about 8 years ago i still thi nk of it now.
i have had times when i have had a couple of weeks of doing it but he always upsets me over something , theres an argument and i feel distanced from him again.
fast forward to now, ds2 is a major problem. i am heartbroke over him. he keeps having massive meltdowns , smashing my house up , problems at school . i find it really hard to cope.
dp works away , a couple of nights a week and i have found myself pleading that he doesnt do the nights away which stresses dp out and also we havent had sex for ages . we have loads of disputes about how to manage things etc etc and i dont feel very close to dp.
dp wakes me up at night wanking at the side of me which i hate .
whilst dp was away this week ds2 had a meltdown which resulted in me being exhausted , bruised and emotional . we had an appointment at camhs this week , they are looking into autism. but , as always (dont know why) dp chooses then to rake up the fact that we arent having sex and maybe we should just split up (said this loads and changed his mind) it seems that nothing would be a problem to him so long as there was sex.
i told him that because we arent getting on and probably because of things in the past i just dont want to . that he cant give me what i need either because hes always either working or gaming with headphones on.
an argument ensued and i ended up saying that all i could do then was have sex regardless of my feelings , if thats all he cares about , that ok , lets just do it when i feel crap.
he listed evrything that he thinks is crap about me . my cooking and alsorts.
3am the next morning and hes wanking at the side of me in bed . he finishes and nudges me awake. i asked him what was going on and he was looking at me really angrily and got my hand and said 'put your hand on my dick'
so with my hand there im asking why he would want me to , after what was said earlier , knowing how i feel . he said that thats what i said id do. i said i wouldnt really have expected that he'd want me to knowing I didnt want to also.
i jumped up saying i couldnt handle this it felt horrible and he said that what id said earlier was horrible. all confused and tears streaming i said well yes i did and kind of got hold of him again but he was being nasty and he was putting his hands down my pants even though i was crying.
i ended up leaping out of bed and saying no its all wrong . we argued and he left for work.
i got a text message soon after saying, sorry. i did mean to upset you but its backfired because now i feel like driving off a bridge.
i am so confused . if you have read all this i thank you wholeheartedly.