can you spare some time to read , especially the end bit , i need help

[amillionpieces]

before i go on i just want to say that although this post is really about negative stuff (wouldnt need to post otherwise) i am aware that that can give a false impression as you dont know me at all. dp and i do have a laugh at times , dp can be very giving , everyone that knows me says how much he loves me etc he genuinely seems to want to have a happy family but does struggle with things i think due to an abusive and not too great childhood.

anyway , we met when i was 17 , thats 20 years ago and i think i have lived a rather limited existence since then. We have 2 children 13 and 16.
i have been a sahm ever since , except for periods where i worked as a cleaner (just cash in hand , peoples houses) i never really had a decent job to go back to after the children and with having no childcare and dp working long unsociable hours i never found anything i could do. have applied for things with no success and the last few years had such problems with ds2 (currently being assessed for asd) that i have needed to be here before and after school so i have been at home.
i do feel a bit of a failure really and its also partly due to a huge loss of confidence in myself.

now , the problem, i cannot talk to anyone in RL i feel embarassed and i have been turning this over and over since yesterday.

dp and i had alot of sex (as you do) in the early days . when ds1 came along it was a huge shock to me. i was 19 , i felt out of my depth and very anxious. dp had (still has) a really really high sex drive. at the time an issue arose because i just wasnt up to sex and he was really narked. his response wasnt good , he lost his temper with it at times and did things like slamming door of bedroom and shouting waking the baby up . called me a bitch and generally creating a massive upset which completely made an issue of sex for me and seemed to put me off ever since.
we have had sex less and less over the last 10 years , i used to do it even when i didnt want to some of the time to keep him happy but eventually as i matured and his attitude with it put me off more and more i started to be practically unable to even manage that.
he once got really narked , and one morning wanked in a pair of my knickers and left them for me to find .
i was shocked and upset and although that was about 8 years ago i still thi nk of it now.
i have had times when i have had a couple of weeks of doing it but he always upsets me over something , theres an argument and i feel distanced from him again.

fast forward to now, ds2 is a major problem. i am heartbroke over him. he keeps having massive meltdowns , smashing my house up , problems at school . i find it really hard to cope.
dp works away , a couple of nights a week and i have found myself pleading that he doesnt do the nights away which stresses dp out and also we havent had sex for ages . we have loads of disputes about how to manage things etc etc and i dont feel very close to dp.

dp wakes me up at night wanking at the side of me which i hate .

whilst dp was away this week ds2 had a meltdown which resulted in me being exhausted , bruised and emotional . we had an appointment at camhs this week , they are looking into autism. but , as always (dont know why) dp chooses then to rake up the fact that we arent having sex and maybe we should just split up (said this loads and changed his mind) it seems that nothing would be a problem to him so long as there was sex.

i told him that because we arent getting on and probably because of things in the past i just dont want to . that he cant give me what i need either because hes always either working or gaming with headphones on.
an argument ensued and i ended up saying that all i could do then was have sex regardless of my feelings , if thats all he cares about , that ok , lets just do it when i feel crap.
he listed evrything that he thinks is crap about me . my cooking and alsorts.

3am the next morning and hes wanking at the side of me in bed . he finishes and nudges me awake. i asked him what was going on and he was looking at me really angrily and got my hand and said 'put your hand on my dick'
so with my hand there im asking why he would want me to , after what was said earlier , knowing how i feel . he said that thats what i said id do. i said i wouldnt really have expected that he'd want me to knowing I didnt want to also.
i jumped up saying i couldnt handle this it felt horrible and he said that what id said earlier was horrible. all confused and tears streaming i said well yes i did and kind of got hold of him again but he was being nasty and he was putting his hands down my pants even though i was crying.
i ended up leaping out of bed and saying no its all wrong . we argued and he left for work.

i got a text message soon after saying, sorry. i did mean to upset you but its backfired because now i feel like driving off a bridge.

i am so confused . if you have read all this i thank you wholeheartedly.

i ahve always pretended to be asleep when he wanks but i suspect he knows im not. sometimes he does it really vigourously and pulls the covers around as if to say ' take that if you wont have sex'

wannabe is right.

Look at those links. Or read through some of the posts on that thread and see if you see any common ground. Ask yourself if those posters deserve it. Then look at yourself. You deserve treating well too.

I meant more because she was sleeping. But I agree that doing it when she coukd wake up and then bullying is totally wrong.

I guess that I wouldnt have an issue with my DP doing it...but thats because he doesnt treat me this way. So I apologise OP for that comment. It wasnt well thought out at all.

lilqueenie , thankyou for reading all this. i am sorry your in the same boat . its always sort of festering below the surface even when we are getting on. is thatn how you are ?
i admit to going to bed at different times to avoid him.

crazy thing is i make a big deal out of him working away because i need support desperatly with ds2 . when hes grabbing the kitchen knives ans stuff i hate being alone with him.

wannabe , wasnt upset by that at all. to a point i think i am slightly reserved when it comes to sex.

I think you would be surprised at how your feelings towards sex would change if you were in a loving relationship.

Its him. Its all down to him. He has bullied you and belittled you for so long. You know no different.

yes it is the same. Everyday I think do I love him? or is it because I cant cope with DD 15 months. Like you OP he does display behaviours significant with certain disorders. He also has the same type of childhood you commented on in your opening post. He works weekends and I do hate when he is away because sometimes I just cant cope. Ive walked out and left DD in his care at 4am in a panic because I cant cope!!! Thing is when he walks in I feel suffocated like Im not happy or free anymore.

Please don't pile this onto yourself. We all have different approaches to sex and different ways of expressing sexuality and that's fine. You say you had it lots in the early days, then it understandably slid down the priorities and you weren't supported then (seeds for sexual abuse sown) and now you have so much on. Pressure for sex and the history from when you had DC1...well that's hardly an aphrodisiac.

wannabe has said it much more eloquently than me, but that's the jist

this is the first time i feel like im not quite so alone in a very long time so thankyou for all your kind words
lilqueenie , are you my twin ? dont suppose you live in the northwest do you ?

I promised I would never tell this but he told me he was abused as a 3yr old. his dad never beleived him and he has anger issues because of it. He never mentioned it again. He has trust issues and wont even walk in the street with me because Im an embarrassment to him. He thinks everyone is out to get him in some way. So does his parents so that is a learned behaviour, I know that one for sure. When I go shopping at the weekend I wear what I like and Im me. I havent lost who me is, just dont feel the same when he is around. It is hard to throw it all away when i know his past. It doesnt make things right and I dont condone his behaviour but part or him is a good person.

amillionpieces I was actually thinking the twin thing a few post back too. Im in the northeast. Scotland.

You'd be surprised how many children calm down and behave more normally (for want of a better word) once their parents are separated. There must be an atmosphere at home, and that won't be helping ds.

Please speak to a solicitor and to Women's Aid, for rl help and support. WA will point you towards a good family law solicitor if you decide you need one (I think you probably do).

Your p is abusive, and you do need him out of your life. Despite your saying it will upset your ds, it may actually help him.

LilQueenie, cant you see that he is using his vulnerability to keep you where he wants you?

Im not saying he wasnt abused. Or that it shouldnt still affect him. But it is no excuse for his behaviour.

You are an embarrassment to him? Oh sweetheart, that is just so so wrong.

wannabe i know. He said the same thing about his mum being an embarrassment anything that brings attention to him.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but I can see both points of view to a certain extent. I do understand that this was very distressing for you, but also that he is clearly feeling very frustrated at the complete lack of sex in your relationship. I don't think he meant to abuse you, was probably horny and turned on and you'd said 'ok we'll have sex then, even if I don't feel like it, if that's what makes you happy' (or words to that effect). He must feel very sexually rejected if putting your hand on his dick means that you have tears streaming down your face and are saying 'I can't handle this - it feels horrible'.

I'm not on his side - and I do feel very sorry for you. Can completely understand that life is very stressful and that sex is last thing you want. But from his point of view perhaps he feels that he works very long hours and has no sex life at all. I think wanking in your knickers was pretty horrible and agree that he could do this kind of thing privately - but perhaps he's getting more and more pissed off with being the sole breadwinner who comes home to a stressful home life. You don't want sex, you won't give blow jobs, you won't give him a hand job and you object to him wanking. I do think if you want your relationship to continue you need to think about overcoming some of these problems. Particularly if you are with a partner with a high sex drive. Are you honestly expecting him to live in a completely non sexual relationship for the rest of his life and be content with that and supportive of you? I would agree that no one should expect you to have sex against your will - but I do think you maybe have to accept that your dp will either want sex with you - or perhaps with someone else who offers him what you are refusing to. I don't think saying 'he's a sexual abuser, leave him' is really very fair. Having said that, neither do I think you can continue in this relationship without quite a lot of changes on both sides. And a lot of talk and honesty.

lilqueenie , he is lucky to have you ffs! you sound lovely

dp and his mum lived with his alcoholic stepfather who used to beat his mum and occasionally dp. his mum was also only 15 when she had him.
i , on the other hand was probably slightly mollycoddled , we had no money but my mum was a good mum.

sowornout I totally disagree with that. Im going through same as amillionpeices and DP NEVER tried anything during my pregnancy and claimed to be able to hold it together. during labour he insisted on asking the nurse how soon before we could have sex again and was floored by the fact that 5 weeks was the answer. How come he NEEDS to do stuff when Im not up for it? why is it my guilt trip and not him realising that its a MUTUAL thing.

sowornout, you make some valid points. time goes by , in the back of my mind i know he isnt going to stand a sexless relationshipbut i keep shutting it out. sometimes i think i will do it tonight and all will be well and then i just cant seem to .
as for yesterday , he wasnt just horny he was getting his own back , he was angry and he said he had meant to hurt me , not physically though he said.

Sowornout, I disagree too.

He is pressuring her. His "high sex drive" seems to be the excuse for all this.

Quite frankly its bollocks.

My DP woulld have sex everyday if he could. Im pregnant. In the last 36 weeks we have had sex twice. Twice!! Hes frustrated. But at no point has he made me feel under pressure or tried to push it.

I am absolutely at that Queenie. He actually asked that during labour.

Please stop accepting this treatment you two. You both deserve so much better.

I disagree also.

In a loving relationship, sex comes and goes throughout the duration without threat of getting it elsewhere or slamming doors. If she was in loving relationship he would more likely to be having sex because OP would want it too. It is not OPs fault.

yes dp was [shocked] at having to wait after childbirth too.
i suspect i might be having more sex now if it hadnt been for the crap things he has said and done regarding lack of sex in the early days .
had he been patient and not made an issue he might not be in a sexless relationship.

had he been patient and not made an issue he might not be in a sexless relationship.

Exactly.

LilQueenie I do agree that asking 'when can we shag' whilst you're in labour is bloody insensitive and that sex should be mutual. I was really saying to amillionpieces that her and her dps completely different sexual expectations appear to be causing major problems between them.

Using sex to 'get your own back' because you are angry is NOT on, certainly. But I think the underlying issue here (for the dp) is the fact that sex is becoming more and more of a taboo subject and he's getting more and more angry about it. amillion I really hope thing work out for you - please don't think I don't feel a lot of sympathy for you and how stressful life is at the moment, because I do. I was trying to give an unbiased opinion from the little info I had to try and see how your dp might be feeling. Can you try Relate perhaps to talk through some of these issues and get your relationship back on track?

sowornout , i appreciate your input . before i posted i was desperate for someone elses view because i had said to dp that he had been abusive and i really wondered if others might not think that.
i think if everyone had said it was 50/50 i might have tried hard to forgive yesterday but tbh i think that now, if he does touch me , i may just feel a dose of what i felt yesterday. not good.