He's just been to a nude lap dancing bar :(

[RunnyBum]

H just back from nude lap dancing bar, he has been on stag dos before and he knows I hate it. I'm gutted, he says I should forget this one "mistake" as he (allegedly) didn't has a private dance as he knows I would hate that. He claims he was just curious (inspite having been before and knowing all about it!!) Being in front of a naked woman that isnt me, for kicks just feels like cheating on some level. Oh and he wasn't on a stag tonight just out with a friend.

Found out as I Where's My Iphone'd him as he was meant to just be in our town, and I thought he'd be heading home.

We're meant to be going away on a romantic break in a few weeks, but a the minute I don't want him near me :(

How would u deal with this?

[SheppySheepdog]

Agree with Major B. Tell him that fair is fair and so you are off out to look for some cock. Just see what he thinks to that.

[minnieroll]

My DP also went to a strip club and DID have a private dance. I totally freaked out and none of my friends could understand why. I stand by the fact that a naked chick gyrating on DP's lap IS cheating - the only difference in my opinion is the penis entering the vagina. That's just geography.

[LineRunner]

I also saw some posts on another thread about this subject that were so sad - women saying how much debt their DHs had racked up on credit cards at lap dancing clubs.

Do they show off waving the card around or something?

[mrsfuzzy]

i'd hate it personally and i'd make it known that it had really gutted me out, its right to say he can make his own choices but why would he do it if he knows how much it hurts you? like other writers have said, several choices here; talk about it and get his reaction, if he laughs it off or tells you your being silly, can you forgive and forget? does he get another chance, do it again and that's it or do you give him the elbow and find someone who respects your feelings abit more? tp most men because they seem to keep their brains in their boxers they dont always realise how these 'it was nothing' things do mean something very much to the women who love them.

[negativecreep]

I don't think I'd stay with my partner if I found out he went to a lap dancing club. Good for all the women that don't care but I like to be "enough" for my partner and I'd like him to be satisfied enough with my body. Also I do find all that scene quite degrading to women and not nice.

[Charbon]

Just out of interest... do we think the kind of men that go around nightclubs full of happily squealing women doing 'Full Monty' acts also have histories of violence, drugs and low self-esteem for being treated as a commodity?

No, because unlike female lap dancers, they don't start in debit and have to pay the venue for allowing them to appear, aren't reliant on private dances and tips to earn their appearance fee and don't live in a world where women-as-a-group have more structural power than men. There is no equivalence, apart from what is a subjective judgement about what passes for good entertainment on a night out. Personally, there would be hundreds of more enjoyable ways I'd like to spend an evening than a 'Full Monty' experience and as a general point, think it is no more edifying objectifying men for their sexuality than women. But there is no equivalence between the two politically, or in terms of what has led to the employment choices of male and female dancers.

As for the OP, it doesn't matter whether other posters have different views to you on this. You're entitled to your feelings and expectations of your particular partner. You're also entitled to state them and having done so, to get some honesty about future behaviour. Your partner has the right to continue to use lapdancing clubs (while they still exist) but he has a responsibility to tell you of those intentions so you can make an informed decision about whether you want to stay with a man who thinks this is acceptable. What he doesn't have the right to do is to lie about it, because that takes away your choices.

You might conclude that having been clear about your expectations in the past, he has continued to visit sexual entertainment venues and would have hidden that and hoped that you wouldn't find out, a state of affairs that might prevail if you believe any new insistence on his part that he will stop.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

Offred - I, for one, absolutely agree with you about preferring to discover DP was having an affair. I'd still be gutted, but if he wad using women for paid sexual gratification I would never be able to look at him with respect again. Totally get your point.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Do point out to your DH that the attitude of the woman who work in these places to the punters that come in is one of utter disdain.

They see them as sad, stupid and pathetic blokes who only think with their dicks and deserve to be exploited for every penny they can get out of them!

(My sons girlfriend is a studentand one of her housemates, also a student, is a lap dancer)

[DadDancer]

To the persons on here who made the comments about leaving their other halves if they visited a lap dancing club. I would like to ask you the question how you would react/ have reacted to you OH viewing porn? and if you don't have a problem with porn then why take exception to them paying a visit to a lap dancing club?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I am anti porn as well.

[larrygrylls]

I don't think people can legitimately set ridiculously low bars for "dealbreakers" if they want a real marriage and to look after their children properly. How low is it reasonable to set the bar and then say: "oh, he knew it all along". How about glancing at another woman? Chatting to a woman in a bar? To me, setting dealbreakers such as this is as controlling as a man never letting his wife chat to another man.

I can see why someone may be dissapointed and not happy with it but to equate it with infidelity is ridiculous. I would find the idea of being located with a "find my iphone" app far creepier and more of a legitimate deal breaker, to be honest. People, even within a relationship, are entitled to some respect for their privacy. What next? Bug your partner? Hidden webcam? And, all justified by "curiosity".

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Yes larry because chatting to someone in a bar and dancing naked in a bar are exactly the same.

[larrygrylls]

Nope, not exactly the same but still a ridiculously low and unreasonable bar to set within a long term marriage with children. I am extending the analogy (you seem to be struggling with this). The argument that "he knew my dealbreakers" all along can be extended to all sorts of controlling behaviours.

If a man had installed an app to track his wife on a night out, he would be called all sorts of things, abusive being the least of them.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

If her DP had already said to her don't use find my iPhone and she did - well, she would have been doing a thing he had expressly asked her not to. Exactly like he has done, not worse. If he has never asked her not to, definitely not worse.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

still a ridiculously low and unreasonable bar to set within a long term marriage with children

Why is it a low bar?

Would it be different if there were no kids or if its a new relationship? if so, why?

[Offred]

It is an extremely high bar to set for me larry who the hell are you to dictate how other people should feel about things? I'd forgive an affair as an indiscretion which was about feelings. I would not forgive visiting strippers or a lap dancing bar because it demonstrates casual or desiring feelings about the abuse of women and is not something I would be prepared to forgive. It isn't even vaguely related to infidelity in my mind and I think you should try and understand how people feel about it before you sweep in with your criticism. I'd also find it hard to tolerate mainstream porn and I expect my husband won't want to use those things. If he does want to I'm happy for him to fuck off and I'll be extremely happy to be by myself.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

if they want a real marriage and to look after their children properly

So taking part in the sex industry i,e porn and lapdancing is part of a "real marriage" and "looking after children properly"

I think its so important to bring up children to respect women and ensure that they have healthy views of sex, sexuality and women's bodies.

[expatinscotland]

How long have you been with this person? Is he your spouse or live-in partner? Do you have children together?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Find my iPhone comes automatically I believe.

In no way am I struggling. A spectrum of behaviour from acceptable to unacceptable might run from chatting to someone else to fucking someone else. Deliberately seeking out someone else to see naked is obviously between these two. You think it is closer to the former, lots of others think it is closer to the latter. You haven't made an analogy, you have picked another point on the spectrum as your personal limit.

[larrygrylls]

"Would it be different if there were no kids or if its a new relationship? if so, why?"

Yes, of course. In a new relationship, you can split up if you don't like the way someone talks, dresses or whatever. It is an exploration pre commitment making. The more commitment you make (engagement, marriage etc), the higher the "dealbreaker" bar should be.

With children, especially, it should be reasonably high as splitting up will have a big effect on them. Clearly it cannot be impossibly high as living together in misery affects everyone. On the other hand, setting it at the same level as if you were living separately and just dating seems to me both impractical and selfish.

[larrygrylls]

Doctrine,

"Find my iPhone comes automatically I believe.

In no way am I struggling. A spectrum of behaviour from acceptable to unacceptable might run from chatting to someone else to fucking someone else. Deliberately seeking out someone else to see naked is obviously between these two. You think it is closer to the former, lots of others think it is closer to the latter. You haven't made an analogy, you have picked another point on the spectrum as your personal limit."

Re the first point, I am not sure how that is relevant. If you buy something which comes complete with bug and hidden webcam, it does not change the nature of using it to spy on your partner.

I take your point in your second paragraph. But it is not entirely up to people to set "personal" limits. Or, to be more exact, of course it is. You can divorce your husband over serving you instant rather than real coffee, if you like. On the other hand, most people accept reasonable limits which are societally determined. To deviate ridiculously from these makes one an unreasonable person in most people's eyes (and also makes it highly likely for a reasonable partner to cross your "personal" limits). As I said, I can see why some would find a lapdancing bar distasteful but as long as they exist and are utilised by a lot of stage dos (and I suspect it is more than 50%) then to set going to one as a personal limit means you are highly likely to end up divorced, especially if you spy on your partner. I suspect strongly that most hen night shenanigans are borderline morally acceptable at best.

[Offred]

It is the opposite to me if I was just dating someone when i had no children who I knew visited strip clubs I might not dump them because depending on their interaction with them they would only be a risk to me. I would not see them as a potential long term partner though. If my husband who I had children with went to a strip club or nude lap dancing club I would see it as very important to leave as I would not want to be part of that being acceptable treatment of another human being.

[Offred]

I do not believe most reasonable or rational adult people should allow society to determine how they should feel... Crazy and how can you assume that I'd be fine with male strippers and hen dos when I object to strippers (ie all) an stag dos? It is not in any way the same as leaving over coffee FFS. Please try and objectively assess the argument before deciding it is objectively trivial and should be put up with.

[Offred]

By your argument it was "reasonable" to own slaves, imprison homosexuals, pay women less than men, persecute Catholics etc all because that was society's view at the time. What a ridiculous view...

[Meepameep]

Its a deal breaker for me and the reason my exdh and I divorced. Been with my DH for 17 years now but if I found out he had gone to a place like that, I would not hesitate to leave.

For me it speaks volumes about his view on woman and how his need for sexual gratification, overrides any moral fibre he may have. But thats just me.