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Original poster

Night out with male friend.

60 replies

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 22:11

I have a weekend to myself coming up, and have arranged for a night out. Not with my DP, but with a mutual male friend. The plan is to go out, have a great time, crash at his then come home at some point the next day. I see absolutely no problem with this, it is a purely platonic friendship.

However.

I am wary of telling DP because of the comments he makes when I see this friend. He teases me about going on "dates" with his friends. Now, most of the time I know he's joking, but sometimes I wonder if there's real insecurity behind them. So now I almost scared to tell him I'm spending the weekend with this guy, even though it would be lovely to just be away from everything for a couple of days.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 23:31

Is there a reason your partner isn't coming too?

shineonucrazydiamond · 04/10/2012 23:33

I see no issue at all with the going out for the night. I see an issue with the staying over. However, only you and your DP understand the dynamics of your friendships so it's your call isn't it?

In your situation i would have the night out with my male friend and come home. That way, everyone is happy

hopefullyhelpfuladvice · 04/10/2012 23:33

Tell him in a straightforward and no nonsense way, I'm going out this weekend with x, drinks on sat then I'm planning on crashing at his to get on the sofa to get an early start for activity. Don't be coy about it or start justifying your plans, you have every right to stay at a friends for the night. Don't lie about it, all that will do is make you feel guilty and him suspicious if he finds out later.

Some people on here have very weird ideas about male / female friendships, your weekend plans would be totally normal for me or any of my friends. Sometimes (shock horror) I even share a double bed with friends, living in London means most of them rent rooms not flats and they don't have living rooms for sofas!

shineonucrazydiamond · 04/10/2012 23:33

Who wants to drag their partner along on a night out with a pal?

shineonucrazydiamond · 04/10/2012 23:34

Misread. Are they friends too? Anyway, my advice still stands. Enjoy the night and come home.

Mumsyblouse · 04/10/2012 23:34

Yes but slightly oddly here, it appears this is the DP's friend, the OP refers to 'his friend'. I wouldn't (and don't) think it odd if my husband sees female friends he's had for years (though not overnight), but I would find it odd if he met my female friends and went out for a drunk weekend with one of them without telling me.

Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 23:34

As I said before, we live together. I'm very independent (never used to be - I just learned to enjoy my freedom after I split from controlling ex) and I like to have time away from him occasionally. He's fine with me going out in general, I just don't know how he'll react in this particular situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 23:36

Mumsyblouse it's a mutual friend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 23:39

They are all mutual friends apparently. I am assuming Op's partner is taking his turn to care for their children, or doing his own thing. if not, he could go join in the activity too.

However, if this weekend is so important to "get away from everything (2 towns over ...?)" why is she planning on telling him after the event, and uses the words "almost scared" to tell him what she is doing

AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 23:40

OP, whose friend was this bloke originally ? Could you clarify that, please.

Original poster
ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 23:42

Originally DPs friend, but we've been good mates for a few years ourselves.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 04/10/2012 23:46

If he's a mutual friend, genuinely (and not just your partner's friend who you have befriended), then he will chat openly about the weekend coming up with his friend, problem solved I very much doubt this is what is going to happen

You can't say 'all male-female friendships are platonic' or 'all male-female friendships have a sexual element', it depends on the friendship, the configuration of friends, whether there's a spark or if you are like brother-sister, no one else can really say 'go right ahead' but most people would say don't lie unless you want to look suspicious.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 23:47

hmm

brdgrl · 04/10/2012 23:52

I have no problem with DH staying out with female friends; he is fine with me staying out with male friends. When we travel separately (not unheard of, as we both are living away from our 'hometown' family and friends), we have each stayed at the homes of members of the opposite sex - in fact, DH often stays at his ex-GFs (She is married herself, as it happens, but it's not as though I am checking to make sure her husband is present at all times!).

I think you need to be straight with your DP about your plan. To do otherwise is not only unfair to him, and potentially dangerous (if you hide things, we will wonder why and what else you are hiding), but it also means that this issue will remain for the rest of your relationship. If it is going to be a problem, air it now, and sort it out.

SuperB0F · 04/10/2012 23:56

Can't your friend come over to your town, you go out, and either he goes home in a taxi if he can afford it, or sleeps over? Or is he married and would his wife go apeshit?

Charbon · 05/10/2012 01:19

I think you should be honest about what you intend to do - and ask him to be similarly honest about his feelings. That way you might be able to go with a sense of ease and a clear conscience, assuming your DP isn't unhappy about it, or broker a compromise so that both your needs are met. I believe you when you say you have no sexual attraction for your friend, but the point is whether your DP believes that himself and trusts you not to hurt him. It seems like a given that you trust yourself, but sometimes that can be difficult to communicate to a partner who is already expressing insecurities in the relationship.

In healthy relationships, we have to balance not wanting to worsen a partner's insecurities or to cause them unnecessary unhappiness, with our right to pursue our own interests and retain the trust of our partners. Usually we manage that by reassurance and offering security - and by ensuring that nothing about our behaviour triggers fear or mistrust. I'm pre-supposing because you're with him that your partner is not unreasonably paranoid, possessive or jealous, so it might be worth exploring why he makes these comments and appears to be so insecure in your relationship.

If it's a relatively new relationship (i.e. under 2 years) trust can take some time to build up, especially if there has been experience of infidelity in a previous relationship, even in childhood amongst parents. You might have similar triggers about potential abuse. If that's the case, sometimes it's best in that 'trust building' period to make more compromises about individual pursuits, until both of you feel unthreatened and in a secure place.

Aussiebean · 05/10/2012 05:44

The only way you are going to know how he will react is by asking. We can't tell you.

When you are in a relationship you should be able to talk to them about this kInd of thing. It's when you can't, or decide to lie by omition (sp?). Then your relationship is not as good as you think. Would you be happy if he came home from a weekend away and he does things he deliberately didn't tell you about even though it was what he was planning. It would really make you reconsider your relationship.

You will only find out how he would feel by actually asking.

It's his reaction that you can then either worry about or feel relieved about.

Try. Only the weekend I plan to do this this and this. How do you feel about that?

Aussiebean · 05/10/2012 05:45

On the weekend.

Silly iPhone

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2012 07:21

Who you spend the night with and where is not the issue. Not telling your DP is... It either means the night is not as innocent as you're letting on or your DP is an irrationally jealous or suspicious man. Neither are very good in the context of your relationship.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 05/10/2012 07:28

OP if he is originally your DP's friend that does change things somewhat...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/10/2012 07:39

I agree with Charbon.

Have you actually asked your DP whether his jokes are just jokes or if he is genuinely concerned? I would start by doing that. FWIW I have a female friend that DH has become friends with, occasionally they go out together as I am not interested in the same sport as both of them - if he needed to crash at hers afterwards I'd be ok with it. But we have talked that through.

LetsKateWin · 05/10/2012 07:44

If DP was staying over with one of his female friends that he'd known for years it wouldn't bother me. If it was one of my friends that he'd known for years, I would find it odd. Especially if he was planning to hide it from me until afterwards.

eslteacher · 05/10/2012 07:51

I agree with those who have said not telling is the issue more than doing it. If your DP is already making jokes about you and your male friends, he seems to have at least a low level of discomfort. Keeping is from him until after the fact is just going to exacerbate that.

FWIW DP and I both have close friends of the opposite sex, and neither of us would have a problem with the other staying over at one of their houses.

tzella · 05/10/2012 07:56

There's obviously two sides to this; that trying to control who you spend time with is a big red flag and then that your DP will be genuinely 'confused' about why/what/how you are spending time with a man other than him.

You absolutely need to have a proper conversation with him. Explain to him exactly how these two sides clash and that you are especially concerned about dealing with this situation in the right way due to your past experiences.

Don't go then come back and say "See, it was fine! We didn't sleep together! You were worried about nothing!" That's horrible, and not The Right Thing at all.

OneMoreChap · 05/10/2012 09:04

"It depends".

I've stayed overnight with another woman, and XW wasn't worried about that.
She was the wife of my best friend, and I was visiting a client prospect in their area. They'd also stayed often - separately and together - at our house.

I think she's have been less happy if I was going out on a night/weekend out withe a personal female friend, who she didn't know well. If he's such a mutual friend, wtf haven't you already told DP?

I'd normally discuss plans for weekends away well in advance, and if "friend" hadn't already been mentioned, I'd be a bit sus, too.