B*stard, B*stard, B*stard, total f****g B*stard

[hollybet]

My ex h sees our children every other weekend and one night in the week. He turns down many opportunities to see them, such as taking leave in school hols to be with them and while they are with him I collect them on the Sunday morning and take them to play football as he 'doesn't have time' to take them. He wouldn't come to our ds2's birthday party, never phones them even on their birthdays and on the weekends that they stay with him, they come home wearing the same underwear and socks that they went in as they never have a wash or get changed.
He saw them on Christmas Eve, was due to bring them back at 9pm, at 8.45 I was just nipping out and we crossed cars, I knew that dp was in so carried on. When I drove into the street 10 mins later, dp's car was missing, my first thought was that it had been nicked with all the presents in, but he pulled up behind me and told me he had come to find me as ex h had finally lost his mind.
When ex h had got to the front of our house, he had told the boys (7 and 10) that he had decided not to see them anymore as he couldn't see them as much as he wanted and ' it was easier all round this way' He said that this was the last time they would ever see him.
So the boys came into the house and just dissolved. Ds1 sat on the stairs crying and said "I know that I'm only 10, but it doesn't make sense to me" I cant begin to describe my feelings, pure total hatred on the one hand but my heart breaking for my two poor little boys, who love their Dad an awful lot. It was a memorable Christmas Eve to say the least. His timing was sodding fantastic.
I am writing to his parents (who I really can't stand) and offering to drop the children off for an occasional visit so that they don't loose touch with them and enclosing a letter for my ex as I have no way of contacting him - he has just moved house - asking him to reconsider his decision and pointing out that there are plenty of opportunities for him to spend more time with the boys if he wants to.
So basically - Merry bloody Christmas to you too, you b*astard!!

Oh and my washer, dishwasher and hoover have all broken down!!!

And I cant remember how I changed my name so cant change it back, but I am lilibet!

Oh f*ck lilibet, how awful. It is vile that you have to pick up the pieces . What a loser, sympathy hugs. xxx

Oh how awful lilibet, how totally awful, I'm so sorry. All you can do is what you are doing: reassure your boys, tell them you love them and write to you ex to see if he'll re-consider. Terrible timing, I agree (although there will never be a good time for this conversation will there?). At least the appliances can be easily repaired, hey?

Oh lilibet, that is truley heartbreaking. What the F* is wrong with some people???

My thoughts are with your boys, I hope they will be ok

pie xxx

Oh those poor boys!

Agree completely with your title for this thread and I wish I could think of something else you could do, but it sounds like you've done everything you can.

Oh Lilibet. N idea what to say except that my heart goes out to you and your boys. How can someone be so inconsiderate.

Hugs to you all.

God lilibet, what can I say! Nothing really except how sad I feel for you and your two little boys. Totally heart-breaking. Lots of love and sympathy to you all.
As for your ex, well I think the title of the thread says it all.

lilibet, i think the title of this thread just sums it up, doesn't it?

what would your desired outcome be now? would you like him to reconsider or do you (very deep down) feel a sense of relief amidst your anger on behalf of the boys?

maybe it is better he is out of their lives.

poor little chaps! they deserve better don't they?

good luck.

Message withdrawn

Am shocked that anyone can be so heartless, especially given the timing. What a w*er, he clearly doesn't deserve them.

so sorry lilibet, he needs a good kicking - my father did something similar - I don't remember but my sisters were 8 and 10 and they do. When he finally got in touch 12 years later, no-one wanted to know - his loss. Sounds like you and DP are giving them everything they need to be happy and secure, so they will get over this, sounds like they will be better off without him, selfish twat
In the meantime, since your washer, dishwasher and hoover have conked, suggest you beat him over the head with hoover - a sympathetic judge will give you a suspended sentence
Wishing you a happy 2004

Lilibet, that is just awful. I don't think I can add any useful advice but if it's any consolation I think that your boys are old enough to understand (it may take time for them to work through it) but young enough to recover. Eventually they will understand that this is not your fault and in the long run it will be their father that loses out. Just keep re-assuring them that it wasn't their fault either and they have done nothing wrong.

Does your partner play a very active role in their lives? perhaps he is their 'real' father already even if he's not their biological one.

It must be a horrible time for you all, I hope things get better soon.

You're not going to beelive this!

I decided that first I would play numb, so I have sent him an e mail asking what nights he was seeing the boys this wee, he has replied saying 'Tuesday', when I have challenged this, he says that the boys misunderstood him!!!!!!!!

They are going to be so happy - till the next sodding time!

Yes Salt, he does play an active part in thier lives, makes me a bit jealous actually, you know the sort of thing, if we going anywhere in two cars its always him they want to go with, they have a wonderful relationship!

Oh, lilibet, I am so sorry. How could anybody do that to two little boys on Christmas Eve...

He really did that? what an @rse!

Do you really want him to keep messing them around like this? Your partner obviously has a very good relationship with them... have you not thought about seeking legal advice - I'm thinking of your sons mental welfare here. Have you thought about sitting them down, explaining that you spoke to their dad and what he said and asking them if they would like to see him again?

They are old enough to make that decision and they might choose not to see him anymore... it might them feel very special and grown up to be given the choice.

I'm going to tell them and give them the choice but I know that they will want to see him, perhaps if they were older, I have a dd 15 who doesn't see him anymore.

On a lighter note when all this was happening, I did actually think ' all this is sodding happening and I have no bloody mumsnet'!!
We have just moved house and the computer isn't set up yet. I was actually glad to be back at work!

Sounds rubbish - you really can do without this. I can believe you're glad to be back at work!

ER!!!!!!!!!!

Well, after reading this I will look at the families need fathers campaigners in a new light!

Will your husband talk to your sons about this awful and mistimed misunderstanding? How he couldn't register he had upset your sons immediately he said those words is beyond belief. I know christmas does strange things to people, and can bring depression to a head, so do you think it was anything to do with this?

I have a friend who bought up two sons alone after she left their father. He was always ancelling meetings with them leaving her to pick up the pieces. It was heartwrenching to watch. Tales of her oldest son banging his head against the wall to shut off the pain of rejection.

The only thing I can say, possibly a ray of light, is that the father never did lose contact with the sons, did keep some of his promises and the oldest son, now 17 years old, has decided to go off to live with his dad for a while. He has been there for 8 months so far, much to the relief of my friend, who was suffering the stress of a particularly stroppy stage in his teenagerdom.

Good luck to you lilibet, and I am glad you and your sons have at least one good and constant man in your lives - your dp.

Oh Lilibet!!! That is absoutely Horrible!!!! Do you think he was drinking??? Did your DP hear what he said to the boys? Is he depressed??? What the hell could have made him say anything like that to the boys??? What did he tell you via email, did he say he only meant to tell them that since he moved, he won't be able to see them as often?? I think a family meeting is in order with all of you together to go over what was said and to set the expectations in the future. It will be healthy for the boys to see how you resolve conflict and hurt feelings, and it might just give them the courage to clear up a future misunderstanding before he leaves them in a panic the next time. I feel terrible for you and sorry for the boys on their holiday. Clearly your ex is having some horrible problems on his own and does not have the right to take them out on the boys--I know you can't protect them from being hurt all the time, but this would have killed me to see them hurt like this. I wish you the best Lilibet. Lots of love.

So is everything ok now, lilibet? I don't understand - what happened?! How did the boys misunderstand what he was saying? WIll they be seeing him tomorrow or not?

lilibet that is so shocking, what the hell is he playing at. Does he have a new partner? If so,m do you think she is behind some of it? How DARE he play mind games with children.
jeeese I just don't know what advice to give. I would just try and be as honest as possible with your boys and give them loads of reassurance (which I'm sure you do anyway).

poor you.
x

I can't put here what I think of your ex - but big hugs to you and your boys.