B*stard, B*stard, B*stard, total f****g B*stard

[hollybet]

My ex h sees our children every other weekend and one night in the week. He turns down many opportunities to see them, such as taking leave in school hols to be with them and while they are with him I collect them on the Sunday morning and take them to play football as he 'doesn't have time' to take them. He wouldn't come to our ds2's birthday party, never phones them even on their birthdays and on the weekends that they stay with him, they come home wearing the same underwear and socks that they went in as they never have a wash or get changed.
He saw them on Christmas Eve, was due to bring them back at 9pm, at 8.45 I was just nipping out and we crossed cars, I knew that dp was in so carried on. When I drove into the street 10 mins later, dp's car was missing, my first thought was that it had been nicked with all the presents in, but he pulled up behind me and told me he had come to find me as ex h had finally lost his mind.
When ex h had got to the front of our house, he had told the boys (7 and 10) that he had decided not to see them anymore as he couldn't see them as much as he wanted and ' it was easier all round this way' He said that this was the last time they would ever see him.
So the boys came into the house and just dissolved. Ds1 sat on the stairs crying and said "I know that I'm only 10, but it doesn't make sense to me" I cant begin to describe my feelings, pure total hatred on the one hand but my heart breaking for my two poor little boys, who love their Dad an awful lot. It was a memorable Christmas Eve to say the least. His timing was sodding fantastic.
I am writing to his parents (who I really can't stand) and offering to drop the children off for an occasional visit so that they don't loose touch with them and enclosing a letter for my ex as I have no way of contacting him - he has just moved house - asking him to reconsider his decision and pointing out that there are plenty of opportunities for him to spend more time with the boys if he wants to.
So basically - Merry bloody Christmas to you too, you b*astard!!

Oh and my washer, dishwasher and hoover have all broken down!!!

And I cant remember how I changed my name so cant change it back, but I am lilibet!

Lillibet the man is an arsehole and you are well rid of him. How could anyone do that to their kids on xmas eve? I am so sorry for you and them

Nothing to add, just (((hugs)))

Hi - just an update really (I usually post under another name but have gone back to my original for this so you all know who I am!).

Dp offline for rest of the week so I thought i'd post in her absence.

Basically we all know there was NO 'misunderstanding'. We explained to the boys last night that their dad has said they had made a mistake and had misunderstod him, and is collecting them at 6 tonight for a couple of hours. 10yr old said "we didnt make a mistake, he definitely said it", 7 yr old was just happy to go along with whatever (and can I go and watch Beyblade!). He has let them down before, and I think successfully persuaded them that it wasnt his fault, but the difference this time is that our 10yr old knows for a fact that he did not misunderstand / make it up. And he knows how hurt he and his brother were by it all.

Sunchowder - I didnt hear what was said by him (it was all done in the car on the journey back to us apparently). but it was very clear what had been said (though a lot of the story was delivered through many tears). As he also told them that the reason was because he doesn't see them enough, they had both begged and pleaded with him and said they would come more often if he would only please let them still see him.
Totally heartbreaking.

I am torn really as on the one hand I would be quite happy if they never saw him again, but at the same time I know that he is their father and should have time with them.

Unfortunately there is no chance of any sort of meeting with him about this. He refuses any discussion about anything with anyone - during the divorce his solicitors even said he was 'a very difficult client'!

So for the time being it is fingers crossed for tonight really. We had a lovely night last night curled up on the couch watching a film and I just hope and pray that he doesn't do anything so cold and callous to them again.

I think he has suffered from depression in the past, and this latest incident has made me very worried about whether he is truly fit or capable of looking after them at all.

Katierocket - as far as we know there is no new partner on the scene. To be honest it would probably do him good if there was, as maybe then he could finally move on.

tutb, what a nice man you are. Hope this evening is less mad than C Eve.

Totally agree with all posts, and have every sympathy for your boys HB, but can I just say a little in Families Need Fathers defence. My parents started divorce proceedongs when i was about 11. I decided that i wanted to live with my dad (along with 2 brothers). The whole world seemed to find this totally unacceptable (as did my mom). FnF were of such great support to my dad through such a difficult time and we eventually got the outcome we wanted after a very upsetting custody battle. I know some fathers can use there services wrongly though and totally agree that what your dh did was a terrible thing.

what an unspeakably cruel thing to do. Thank goodness they have a good home life with you two.

Thanks janh! Me too - I really think it was a deliberate attempt to ruin our Christmas. And apart from all the upset on Christmas eve it was a completely failed attempt. This time he has shown them how horrible he is - and can't worm his way out of it. I would be so interested to be a fly on the wall tonight though, as our 10 yr old is not going to accept the explanation his dad is trying to put forward.

Nutcracker - I think it is important that they keep contact with him too. And that he should spend time with them regularly (which we do try to encourage) but his standard excuse is "I am too busy" or "I have too much work to do".

He is a very bitter man and seems to find it impossible to put his childrens feelings before his own. It seems such a silly situation as we want him to see them and they want to see him - but any more actions like these and he will endd up turning them against him forever.

LB - In the end it may have to be their decision as to wether they wish to pursue contact with him. Your 10yr old already seems to have a good idea of what his dd is really like. Your ex dh will soon realise what a mistake he has made and it will be up to him to repair the damage. I know thats not very helpful as you are the one dealing with it at the mo. Congrats too for being so civil about it my Dm and Dd couldn,t of ben less civil and it did effect me quite badly for a while.

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Stressyhead it seems to come down to power doesn't it? Abuse of power really. Using the fact that the children want to see their natural parents as a bargaining tool.

We knew that with this latest incident that if dp's ex-h (thats confusing isnt it?) changed his mind - as he has - a possible outcome would be that they would just be so grateful to him for letting him see them again that they would forget the upset he caused in the first place.

That may be what he was gambling on really - but it certainly hasnt worked like that this time.

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Sounds familiar! their dad doesnt make them clean their teeth, have showers, go to bed at any specific time, tidy up after themselves. He lets them play football in the house, doesn't bother if they leave the toilet unflushed (as he doesn't do it himself either) etc etc.

So when we try to get them into a routine with all these things we sometimes get tantrums and "dad doesn't make us do that" which does make it incredibly hard at times.

Their dad also takes no role in parents evenings / school matters in general, and seems to leave them to it when he does have them (plonked in front of TV, playstation etc) while he does 'his work' in another room. He never takes them on days out or seems to do anything with them that isnt just his usual routine.
I can't understand why he doesn't want to spend more (hate the phrase but its true) quality time with them.

Lillibet's DP, great of you to POST, sorry I missed all of this today. I too am a part of a blended family. We have always had the children living with us. My DH's Ex lives several states away, but she made our lives a living hell for the first 7 years of my marriage. We just drove up on Sunday (she can't afford it or some such crap) spent 11 hours in the car, to drop off DS who is 13 now. The 18 year old who has a car now, did not want to bother driving up. He is more interested in his girl friend at the moment. It seems that the more horrible she was to them, the more they love her and put her on a pedestal. Very tough to be the stepmom indeed, and I know it must be tough for you also. Thinking of you and hope the evening went well for you. Life is a process, right? Give Lillibet a hug from us, okay? Her ex seems to be depressed to me by the way--very eratic and hopeless right now, the holidays probably threw him right over. I know it is difficult to see what he is going through, you would have to be a saint, but it would help you make sense of it. I do not believe he wanted to disrupt your holiday (maybe I am wrong). He sounds miserable.

Hi Sunchowder. After Christmas Eve we were concerned that he may do something extreme (telling the children they would never see him again etc). I really did think that he had totally lost it saying the things he did.

You are right it is very hard for me to have any sympathies with him after the hell he has put so many people (especially DP) through - I could give examples but I would be typing all day!

Having said that I do recognise that he clearly has serious mental problems, and from what I know has always been somewhat of a loner anyway. To me though he needs to seek help and stop taking it out on us and the children.

The good news is he did arrive on time to pick them up last night, and on their return they were so much happier than last week. Hard to get a clear story of exactly what had been said about it all, but basically he had apologised to them for upsetting them, but had said it is the boys' decision whether they continue to go to see him or not.
He has however declined the offer of having the children on New Years Day (which when his argument is that he doesnt see them enough is confusing and disappointing for them).

We too have an older daughter living with us (15), who has now stopped seeing her dad altogether. She used to go with the boys but now says it is boring and all they do is play football on Playstation etc and there is nothing for her to do. As a consequence of not going any more her dad has refused to send on her Christmas presents from him and his family - which I found very sad.

Can I just say that although what has been happening recently has been hard to get through, we have had a wonderful Christmas and are looking forward to a wonderful New Year together. It really does feel now that after so much turmoil in our lives the smoke is beginning to clear a bit.

Hope you have a wonderful New Year too - I will continue to post on Mumsnet under my other nickname (especially find the step-parenting posts useful and have a good read of most of what else is going on too )

And I will pass on the hug when I get home from work (early finish at least today!)

wow, he's SO childish! Nasty about your daughter, in a really petty, childish way. Good luck. This can't be easy for you.

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Gone back to my other name - feeling schizophrenic keep changing it!

Thank you all for your messages of support. it is hard but we are getting to where we want to be - at last!

Agree about the 'different rules' thing. To me though by not reinforcing such basic routines he just isn't behaving as a parent.
Is your x2b doing it deliberately to annoy you, do you think?

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cross with good reason I would say!

as i said further down this thread, we get the no teeth cleaned, no showers (or even washes), and turning up sometimes on a Sunday evening still dressed in the football kit we sent them in on Saturday morning!

they actually said the bit about 'high standards' to you?? surely making sure a childs teeth are cleaned is a basic hygiene issue that we all learn from (virtually) day one?

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laughing about the part time jazz singer! but agree with you totally - I understand that they will prioritise issues (obviously a child being hit is worse than not having their teeth cleaned) but you'd think that there'd be a 'common sense' bit too where they could consider the overall effect of these 'smaller' things on the childs well-being?

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tutb - thank god they have you to give them a positive view of men Am shocked about the lack of presents for your 15 yr old girl, or rather the reason for the lack of presents!

So sorry lillibet, just another bastard story, so glad you have tutb to comfort you. Hope you manage a better new years eve, take care