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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

after your DH/DP left, how long did you wait to date someone new

42 replies

mistressmiggins · 22/03/2006 19:47

I mean if you were left, not if you left if you see what I mean.

just interested - not from my point of view - I am no where near ready to even think about dating as inspite of everything, I am still in love with my husband (or certainly the man I married)

I know of someone who was left in Dec and is already dating

I just dont feel I will ever trust someone enough to date again - now I have 2 children to consider, I dont think I would trust someone not to leave again

OP posts:
moondog · 22/03/2006 19:51

MM.I keep on trying to catch you to ask you how you are...
Lots of people want to know.
Can we make this your ongoing support thread (if you want,that is??)
Smile

ggglimpopo · 22/03/2006 19:55

Î left - but because he had been unfaithful. First date was just after (mistake! Had lunch with a man who fancied me at work, as an ego boosting exercise - call me selfish and shallow - who turned into big bore over a pizza and warm beer, and then wouldn't go away) and then had a relationship with someone about 7 or 8 months later. It will take a very special, or convincing man, to get you wining and dining again.

You will know when you are ready.

Nightynight · 22/03/2006 20:00

Ive flirted, but tbh, Ive run a mile from dating. I just cant handle it. Cant imagine what sort of man I am looking for, but dont think he exists.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 22/03/2006 20:12

I just cant imagine anyone else which makes me sad as surely everyone deserves love & companionship....
dont you find children are a hurdle for men?

easy for my H - apart from the fact hes now living with that Bitch, he will never hacve the childrten full time to stuff up his social life or interfere with a woman

dont get me wrong - I am certainly not saying the children are stopping me as they have adjusted to life without daddy really really well - I should take a leaf out of their books Wink

I tell you something - I will NEVER EVER put up with unfaithfulness again.

My previous boyfriend to H was unfaithful & I gave him another go cos he said he regretted etc and then a week later he'd changed his mind again

H knew this which is a further stab

Im not doing too well - outwardly am confident and getting on with things BUT feel very ugly and not worthy to be honest - sounds pathetic and is....mny counsellor says I need to direct more anger at H rather than at myself
I have been overeating at night (see the Binge thread Sad) and now look fat so that helps with the self-loathing

God hark at myselfAngry

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 22/03/2006 20:19

Stop the binging and look after yourself - pamper yourself a little...... did you ever see GF's list?

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 22/03/2006 20:23

yes I did see her list AND printed it off

the trouble is that the slightest let down and Im staring at the fridge - am now eating anchovies out the tin - how disgusting is thatBlush

I guess at least I binge on healthy food

I know I need a good kick up the backside

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 22/03/2006 20:27

I had a bingeing friend who stopped when one day she caught her reflection in the windows, wolfing down cold remains from the fridge. Go the glamour route. ...

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 22/03/2006 20:35

I know I know I know
Its like Im punishing myself
cant go to gym (babysitting) but friend lent me her trampette & stepper - have I used them? NO
look fat - dont like looking like this but keep on eating etc

I said to my mum that I should print off some of the posts on here - MNetters comment on the situation without being able to get personal and I have had some really nice positive comments - I should try to focus on those

I should take a photo of myself when I was slim & stick it on the fridge and cupboards

thanks ggg

OP posts:
rickman · 22/03/2006 21:29

Hi MM. I left my xp nearly 2 years ago now and I haven't been anywhere near another man. I suppose my situation is different in that I was pregnant when I left and that isn't exactly a great asset if you want to pull :o, and since then I have been busy with a baby and my other 3.

To be honest, I can't see me ever being with anyone again. It would take a very special man to take me and 4 kids on and I just don't think there is one out there for me. I have looked at internet dating sites but a lot of the men seem to be after one thing only!

Exp has of course moved on and has recently announced he has a girlfriend. He now wants to play at happy families with her at the weekends, together with my kids, something he could never be bothered with when we were together.

If it's any comfort, I can't stop eating either!

crazydazy · 22/03/2006 21:31

Oh Rickman your post sounds so Sad

rickman · 22/03/2006 21:36

Does it? I don't really feel sad, just sort of resigned to my fate. :)

crazydazy · 22/03/2006 21:42

Well I think you deserve a chance to be happy, you sound like a lovely mum coping with 4 children on your own.....but like you say, you do deserve somebody special and that is the trouble, the decent men are few and far between.

My sister has been single for 4 years, she has a 8 year old daughter and just never meets anyone, she has tried speed dating, internet etc but she is really fussy and has very high expectations and so no-one has ever come up to scratch - I would love to see her happy as thats what she wants to feel complete.

ggglimpopo · 22/03/2006 21:49

Rickman - I had three kids and a baby when I left. There are good men out there....

FioFio · 22/03/2006 21:56

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rickman · 22/03/2006 21:57

I never go anywhere though. I just don't get the chance. Unless I meet someone on the school run or in Tesco's, nothing will change.

I think of you in bleak moments Ggglimpopo, you're my inspiration! :)

ggglimpopo · 22/03/2006 21:59

I have a friend with four children who has met a woman with four children and it is lurve. I did ask if they were planning a ninthGrin

Nice men only come when you are not looking. And I did date the odd bastard.

FioFio · 22/03/2006 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

snafu · 22/03/2006 22:04

Only if I can come too Smile

Honestly though, MM, it's such early days for you. You've been through so much (are still going through it, too) and it's no surprise you can't even imagine ever wanting to date anyone again. Fwiw, I feel the same, and h and I have been split for two years and I wasn't betrayed in the way you were.

Trust and confidence are really easy to lose and really difficult to get back. You will one day, but for the time being just concentrate on you and the kids, and don't even contemplate another man (unless you really want to...) Smile

rickman · 22/03/2006 22:22

But you're all loved up Fio. Anyway, would you want to risk it after my shameful behaviour last weekend?!!!

glitterfairy · 23/03/2006 11:45

HIya MM glad I have found you. My counsellor says bingeing and addictions are aliens!

THey are not you and you dont own them they are aliens of mammoth proportions which are taking you over. You are not hungry and dont want the food but the alien of sadness comes and takes over and makes you eat. Now you have to look at which alien it is that makes you eat and stop the pattern. If you eat at night and in front of the telly do something else. If you eat when you are sad then try something else not eating. I must say that for two weeks I ahve been told to eat what I want when I want as I do this too and I have eaten much less because it is now not about punishing myself any more.

Take care of yourself and ggg is right when you are least expecting it and not looking the man for you will turn up. I am sure of this and I know that sometimes I feel like I must have a partner to feel better and because he has but no it is better this way and I will wait and see and something brilliant will come along.

bluejelly · 23/03/2006 16:50

Just come out of a 1.5 year relationship and am determined to give myself a good break before rushing into the next one ( if it happens that is)
Need some time to grieve, reflect and heal...
Also spend time concentrating solely on my daughter rather than worrying about a silly man!

cheltenhamgal · 23/03/2006 17:01

They do say that you need to mourn a relationship, for a month for each year ! I was single for two years before I went on a date but not because I didn't want to, I just don't go out to meet guys. I started online dating when i realised that the only guys I was in day-day contact with were the bus drivers :o

bluejelly · 23/03/2006 17:09

Does that mean I only need 6 weeks ? Grin
The problem is that when I ended the relationship before ( of 6 years) I went straight into the next one. Think I need a little bit more time off this time ( that's presuming anyone wants to goes out with me of course Smile )

glitterfairy · 23/03/2006 18:34

OMG that means 29 months for me! NO!!!!!!!!!!!

desperateSCOUSEwife · 23/03/2006 18:38

6 weeks after I split with ex dh
I got into a relationship with my present dh
I had known him a long time, felt comfortable with him
after 10 yrs still love the bones of him

I mourned my first marriage years before we split
it was dead as a dodo and I didnt love him at all