Testing the name change as this is a difficult one.

[Anynamechange]

See title

I would be very happy to be contradicted in this, though

I don't know either, tbh. Must go to bed, thanks for listening and advice, people, I'll look again tommorow.

I don't think you can get his name on the birth certificate either. And, tbh, I don't think you should do that because that is really lying, as opposed to just not telling him the truth (fine semantic point there).

I'm a bit torn here - someone in my family has an "adopted" DD and I pushed very strongly for her to be told (she was when she was 7) because I felt it was the right thing to do - but they know who her bio-mum is and the whole back story so it's very different.

In your case I think the problem still stands that your DS may come to find out in later years and it could devastate him to find out that he's not who he thinks he is. So I do think that it's probably a good idea to mention that his father's sperm didn't actually create him, although he's still his dad in every important sense of the word - as to how you deal with the fact of his conception, well in some ways it can be useful for youngsters to know their parents are/were fallible, but that they managed to turn their lives around and you'd never know now!

But you need to get on with it if you're going to do it (and I think you should, really - it's horrifying how these things have a habit of coming out unexpectedly, usually through some kind of family testing for donor matches or health conditions or some such) - the longer you leave it, the worse the reaction is likely to be. My family member wanted to leave it until the DD was 18 - just about the worst possible time to do it, IMO - but was persuaded otherwise.

Someone has already mentioned www.norcap.org.uk/ - they are an organisation that should have counsellors who could help you work out the best way to approach it.

Tomorrow, I mean!

Can I just say that you sound absolutely fucking amazing?

You were going through hell. You were ill, self-medicating, self-destructive, and some piece of shit took advantage of that and raped you. You know the next line in this story should have been your DS taken into care? But no. You turned your life around completely, built a career, a family and a life more than worth living. You are absolutely sodding inspirational, and when you are dealing with an older young man, and you feel the time is right to tell him some of this (not the rape part, in all honesty, given you have no reason to be sure that scum is the father anyway) your son may well be incredibly shocked by how strong you have been and how far you have come.

I have no advice to offer and won't presume to try to, but I agree professional guidance on how to handle this might be very helpful. Can I suggest you post on the Adoption board here, who will be able to offer lots of support and help around toxic biological parents, identity issues, and legalities of non-bio parenting, even if this is not their usual situation? (I've wondered about fostering at times, so have lurked. They are an impressive bunch and would I think be great at signposting you towards good advice and help.)

Adoptions.

What perfectstorm said.

Your mum needs to shut up - now. Might be worth asking her what on earth she's thinking, and then stressing that if she carries on, she won't be seeing her grandkids for a while at least. Then find a counsellor or someone who specializes in this sort of thing, and see what they recommend.

I know of a family where the DS found out at the age of 8 that 'dad' wasn't his dad. There were issues with custody and mum then said that this was the case - it turned out to be true. Despite that, 'dad' won partial custody as he'd brought the DS up from a baby thinking he was his, and loved him. The DS coped very well after being reassured that 'dad' loved him to bits and didn't care if he was his biologically or not. I guess if/when you tell yours, you could say that you fell pregnant after a night out, with no recollection of who you slept with - a sanitized version of the truth if you will. You don't have to tell him everything!

I agree. I have to say, I can see no benefit whatsoever in telling DS his father may have been a rapist, and all manner of horrific downsides. I'd just claim I went to a festival/party of some description, got drunk, and 8 weeks later when you finally realised, had no way of finding the father when you only knew his first name. A lot gentler. There is a difference between his need to learn that his dad is not the sperm donor, and knowing that that donor may be a criminal who abused you. I don't think he ever needs to know the last.

ANC, hats off to you for turning things round.

Try not to panic. You're doing just grand and will find your way through this.

It seems really clear from our family
experience that telling a child sooner rather than later is much the best. Not the whole story, but the essential truth that their dad is not their biological parent.

When essential facts are withheld, the teenager or adult is likely to feel the withholding as a huge betrayal of trust and it can and does cause long term damage in their relationship. The chance of your son discovering that his dad is not his bio father is high. If he finds that out from someone other than you then you become a bad guy in the experience, and you don't deserve that at all.

How much you disclose beyond the essential fact depends on what your son asks you as time goes on. The guidance for talking to youngsters about difficult stuff comes down to responding honestly, but without unasked for details, to questions asked by the child. Essentially, you trust your child to let you know when they need, and are ready, to know more.

Hope you're able to see your way clearer soon.

You sound bloody amazing to have turned your life around this way. Congratulations. I hope you are proud.

Understand why you would not want to tell,your son. But in my experience, such secrets never, ever, end well. For sure, one day he will find out - even if as an adult. Then the fallout will be immense.

Agree with the others that, aside from your mother shutting up, you need professional advice on how to handle this. What you tell of your story is how you see your past. It's not how your son needs to hear things. Rape crisis would be my starting point.

Really, wishing you all the luck in the world. And congrats again.

I would invent something, like "I met your biological father whilst I was travelling abroad and we never swapped contact details.". Don't - whatever you do - tell him about the drugs and sleeping around.

I would look into your DP adopting him.

I would be very angry indeed with your DM.

Changing a child's surname from the mother's surname to the father's surname (parents not married)
If the natural parents of the child were not married to each other at the time of the birth and the father did not attend with the mother to register the child, it is possible to re-register the birth at any time in the future to include the father's details and change the surname of the child to that of the father (only if both parents agree, otherwise a court order is required). Upon re-registration, a new birth certificate can be purchased.

See above for one of the reasons a birth certificate can be changed in England and Wales. I agree with others. Have a strong word with your mother. If she continues to believe he should be told now, make sure she knows that she will be the one that loses out. Best of luck op - and huge respect for turning your life around.

Just for clarification - they only seem to want DNA evidence if you are changing the fathers name from one to another, it's not mentioned for adding the fathers name.

OP you sound like youve done an amazing job turning your life round and coming back from an utterly horrific time. I see two issues here: first, the things your mum is saying, and secondly, how to deal with talking about things with your eldest son.

On the first point, your mum needs to shut the hell up and if i were in your position I'd probably go as far as saying she can't see him until she keeps her mouth shut. For one thing, in your family he's regarded as a brother not a half brother - if you'd adopted a child would she call him anything other than a brother?! - and for another thing, it's for you to decide how to broach things with him, not for her to force the issue. by calling him a half-brother, doesn't she think that she might be dredging up all sorts of things for you?! If it's her highly clumsy way of saying that you need to discuss things with him, then tell her that you've got it in hand and you'll do it in your own time in your own way, in the manner that is best for your family, but that it is certainly not her place to be introducing highly sensitive information like that.

On the second point, the most important thing (that you seem to have perfectly in hand) is that your son is loved by his parents (by which I mean you plus the man who has brought him up as his own). I agree with the others who have said that it might be difficult for your son if he feels there's been secrecy around this, and that telling him something is better than him suddenly finding out later. I think it's a sensible suggestion that you seek some advice as to how best to introduce the information to him; the advice may be to say a little now, and then fill in more details as he gets older and has had a chance to process what it means alongside the knowledge that it has made no difference to how much he is loved.

Don't worry that your son will hate you, my mum never told me much about my dad and wouldn't talk about it and I don't hate her at all for it.

I agree with Eleanor. You have done an amazing job, but you do need a sanitised version of the truth. He is the father in all but biology - but that could be important one day. He will not be giving correct family health histories. E.g if your DH should get some chronic illness/disease in the future your DS will worry, unnecessarily, that he could inherit it. If he ever does find out in the future it will be a huge shock and turn his life upside down - better to always know.

I should be saying 'poor you', but wow, fantastic you. I think perfectstorm has it right. Good luck sorting it out. You are a strong, brave woman and should be immensely proud of what you have achieved.

I think others are right when they say you should get some advice and guidance from Rape Crisis and/or adoption charities - it's going to be very delicate.

A part of this that is very positive though, which you can emphasise to your son when the time comes to talk, is that one reason you have to tell him is so that his Dad can adopt him, because he loves him and he wants to be his dad forever. He'll know from school that not everyone's bio-dad feels that way...

I would go through the adoption route. At the moment he is going to find out when he sees the birth certificate. I don't think you can just add the father later (not sure on this one but it would at least be clear it was a later addition, I would imagine). If you are like me you are into family history and finding out all sorts of family secrets-he would have a huge shock if he got to retirement age and found out that his whole life wasn't as he thought.

Thanks so much for all advice. A lot to think about, I guess. I'm going to name change back to normal now, so will disappear, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

There was another thread recently which dealt with this problem from another angle. The posters there seemed to think that the earlier a child was told the truth about their parentage or conception the easier it is for them to deal with. Many posters said how upsetting it was to find out that they had been lied to for many years by their parents and close family, finding out that their Dad was not their father or that they may have half brothers and siblings. Maybe your DM read that thread and is in her own way trying to help you DS

OP, what matters to children is having stable relationships with loving parents. Your son is lucky enough to have that. As long as he's reassured that he's not going to lose that, he'll cope with hearing a basic version of the truth - that Daddy isn't his biological dad but loves him as a son and has chosen to be his dad and will always be there for him. I think you should tell your son the basics. If the news comes from you then you can manage how and when it comes out and you can support your son whilst it sinks in. If someone (ie your mum) lets it slip after a couple of glasses of wine over Christmas dinner in 10 years' time (or whatever), then it's all rather out of your control and likely to be more devastating. I do think you should tell him also because the younger he is when he has some understanding of the situation, the less upsetting it will be. Kids adjust to things and accept them, adults not so much. Obviously you don't have to tell him about all the bad times you've suffered. And if you tell him yourself, you can make sure that your partner spends lots of quality 1:1 time with DS both before and after, just to reinforce the message that he is your son's real dad even if there's no genetic link.

Good luck. You are one tough woman.

I think your protecting your eldest by not going into full details. You will probably have to tell him at some point that dp is not his real dad (similar family situation with my cousin's daughter) but its up to you when and if at all. Plus your dp has technically brought him up so in terms of what a dad does he has done, if that makes sense.