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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Testing the name change as this is a difficult one.

78 replies

Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 00:12

See title

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 00:47

I am speaking as someone who was adopted at 3 months old. I always knew I was adopted, it was never a secret. I didnt know the full details until I was an older teenager, because there really was no need or benefit for me to know that. All I knew was that I was wanted and loved by the two people who raised me.

Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 00:47

Miraculously, my partner and I have the same blood group. DNA would obviously tell the truth though, if it came up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 00:49

Thing is though, squeaky toy, won't my son hate me if I tell him and have questions? Actually, he's twelve not ten. I have more confidence in the name change now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 00:51

He's a pre teen. I feel like running away to another country.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 00:52

At 12 he is old enough to be told that your partner is not his biological father. Because if you dont tell him, it sounds as though someone else is going to, and it would be better coming from you and your partner.

He wont hate you. He may be upset, he may rebel a bit, but you can reassure him and yes he may have questions so you need to prepare yourself for the answers. I really really would not recommend being brutally honest though. There is time enough for that if you ever really want to tell him the full story.

For all I know, my birth mother could have been in the same situation as you. I would honestly rather be ignorant of that though if it were the case.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 00:54

You can't run away for ever love Sad

Please, get professional advice

Tell your mother if she keeps trying to force the issue (which she is actually doing, by her actions) you will have no choice but to cut contact

In the meantime, talk to someone who can help. This isn't going to go away, and you can't make it go away

but it must and should be at your pace, in agreement with your DP, and in the form that best suits your child

Your mother is very wrong, here

squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 00:56

I agree with AF, a professional counsellor could be invaluable here to help guide you through this.

ORANGEgiraffesCantWearGOLD · 01/10/2012 00:56

There are many circumstances where it may come out in the future. The sooner you tell him, the less of a big deal it will be.

Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 00:57

I don't have any answers though. Except to tell my son that the mother he thinks he has was a drug using, drunk, mentally ill slapper who got pregnant by accident, who knows who by, and who's probably only alive because getting pregnant with him was the catalyst she needed to turn her life around. Oh, and the middle class professional loving parents he thinks he has are the people who went through that. Sad

OP posts:
SPsFanjoHarboursDeadCatsAgain · 01/10/2012 00:57

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I was told at 8 that the man I called Dad was not in fact my bio dad. I found out as I came across my birth cert and it said another man's name.

If I hadn't have found that I don't know when I'd have been told or if I ever would have.

My bio dad was and is a utter cunt. It obviously isn't the same situation as you but I wish I never found out. I have nothing to do with my bio dad now.

The man who brought me up is my dad. He legally adopted me when I was 10. I have 2 birth certs. One with bio dads name and the other with my dads name.

Your son does deserve to know as its his life but at the same time I understand that him finding out he may be the result of something horrific could have an affect on him.

I think you do need to find out who his bio dad is though.

I have been raped but nothing like your situation.

If I was you I wouldn't want to tell him either.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/10/2012 00:59

Anynamechange, do you mind if I pm you?

solidgoldbrass · 01/10/2012 00:59

Squeakytoy: Me too.

ANC: Oh I do see why this is hard given the age of your DS but at the same time, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. For one thing, there are things that can lurk in the genes and show up years down the line - or even skip a generation and then reappear. So you could end up in 20 years time having to explain to your DS why his DC have a hereditary health problem that no one else in his acknowledged family has.

I'd actually advise you to ring NORCAP or a similar organisation for adopted people and ask their advice. I don't think you need to tell DS that his bio-father might have been a rapist, I think that would be going too far, but it should be possible to explain that he was concieved with someone that you then lost contact with, and that his dad is the man who raised and loved him.

squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 00:59

Oh please dont put yourself down like this. Everyone fucks up.. some more spectacularly than others, but you have turned your life around. You have managed to raise this child for 12 years, so you have done something right!!!

Nobody can turn back time. It is not possible, so it is a waste of energy to spend time dwelling on it. Honestly, it really is.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 00:59

There is no need to tell him anything in those terms Confused

squeakytoy · 01/10/2012 01:01

"I think you do need to find out who his bio dad is though"

how on earth can she???? Confused, that is an unfair thing to say.. OP has made it quite clear that she doesnt know and has no way of finding out..

I have no idea who my bio dad is. My birth mother hasnt had any contact with him for the last 42 years (my age) either, and would have no idea how to find him even if we wanted to.

Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 01:02

Thanks so much for support. I've been kidding myself we've got away with it all. But I just don't know what to do now. My partner is very willing to have his name put on son one's birth cert if that's possible.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/10/2012 01:04

ANC: lots of parents made mistakes and had bad shit happen to them in their younger days, and then turned their lives round and lived well and brought up their children well. You have given your DS a good upbringing, and it won't actually harm him in the long run to find out that you had bad times in your life and overcame them.

TBH it's really no bad thing for him to learn that bad times can be overcome and that mistakes or being attacked doesn't mean a person's Whole LIfe Is Ruined.

Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 01:05

Thanks, squeaky toy. I really don't have any idea at all who his father is if not the rapist. Really none. I'm not proud of that fact.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 01:05

Your DP can adopt him. That would be a wonderful thing to do.

solidgoldbrass · 01/10/2012 01:06

ANC: if your partner has adopted your DS then his name will be on the adoption certificate, but I don't think you can get his name put on the birth certificate when he isn't DS' biological father.

Well, you could perhaps claim that he is (they don't ask for DNA proof) but knowingly making an untrue statement is a criminal offence.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 01:06

OP, do you see anyone here judging you for that fact ?

There are ways to tell children difficult things, that do not buy into your own guilt and negative feelings on the matter.

seek help from the professionals.

SPsFanjoHarboursDeadCatsAgain · 01/10/2012 01:07

Oh op I'm really sorry I read it totally wrong! Hope I didn't upset you! I really am sorry.

Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 01:10

I think if he adopts him then my son would know. We have made sure that legally if I dropped dead he'd get guardianship. But that was easy. The birth certificate seems like such an easy solution....

OP posts:
Original poster
Anynamechange · 01/10/2012 01:11

I will try and find professional advice but what do I need? A lawyer? A counsellor?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 01:13

Am not sure what you mean, OP ?

It isn't possible to add a name to a BC later on, AFAIK

And you can't write it in yourself, so I am not seeing how the solution lies for you, love

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