Did you leave your marriage for someone else and are you happier or do you regret it? it or are a

[Glycine]

Just a vague notion. Things not been great with DH for a while but nothing too bad. Just silly arguments and lack of intimacy. Maybe we've just got lazy and arent doing fun things anymore. andRecently met someone who I'm very attracted to but hardly know. Don't want to break up my family but then don't want to spend the next 30 years wondering what if?
What would you do? Have one dc. Other man has 2 kids but separated.

Hi I felt I had to reply I'm in same situation as you but I have children and even though they are older it's still hard does your husband no about om or are you conducting this in secret. Iv told my husband and he dosent want me to go but he nos I'm still seeing other man as I just can't stop and I no within the next few weeks il leave husband. I think you are just scared of leaving husband and a new start , but for you and me I feel it's too late to go back as we have to think why we fell in love to start with . Also things are never same once husband nos as it will always be there. Give yourself the fresh start you deserve we only have one life .

Pussycat02 thank you for you swift and kind message. You don't know how much better I felt reading that you understand what I'm going through. I have been struggling with this for so long, I've out off having kids with my husband because I did not feel things were good between us and I also felt I'd never leave if I did have kids instead I'd probably just complain to my friends and wish I'd left. Don't get me wrong my husband is great at providing but I constantly fear that any fun night out will be ruined and I have to face humiliation. I don't want to keep craving for his attention, I know he will get me great stuff for the kids and look after them but he's bit old school in his thinking I feel.

When the OM left his wife and moved into a flat share I felt a lot of guilt so I told my dh that in the last 18m I had emotionally cheated on him with the OM he was my best friend he helped me with work, brought me food and listened to me when I was down. My dh said he understood why I'd done that and even his own sister had warned him that I would end up turning to someone else if he carried on with his behaviour. He keeps saying he will change and wants to keep trying. But I've been giving him so many chances over the last 4 years of marriage and I don't know if I truly can give him another chance.

You're right I have a lot fear of starting again especially because all my immediate family and extended family think we are the perfect couple currently because we are both doctors, same cultural back ground, looks and status wise, he's also excellent at smooth talking all the parents and their friends so they love him.

I don't think my dh actually believes how far he's pushed me away, but because if loyalty and comfort I haven't left yet. I feel sorry for OM who has been nothing but understanding and lovely to me.

My fears are that OM is 12yrs older than me but is very young at heart, my parents and family will never except him and always feel I've ruined my life. Also will this relationship be tainted given our past. But this guy understands me completely he reads me in a way no one else can he knows everything I'm thinking without me saying anything. He doesn't want to stay in contact with me till I've decided what I want from my life because he feels it's not fair on dh if I want to try and make the marriage work.

Writing on this thread gives me some relief is thank you for listening to me.

I'm not ready sure what to do next, I've looked into getting a short term let but too scared to take the plunge.....

Arabella, leave your DH, live on your own and see the OM.

You may find out you don't actually want the OM, or you may end up together, whatever the end result, you need to be approaching it as a single woman.

I understand your fears as I'm going through same , but as uv known other man a while and built up relationship why don't you move in with him it's not like uv just met and it sounds as if he'd do anything for you

Yes I did leave my marriage for someone else, and have really regretted it ever since.
Green grass in abundance at the time, but which gradually faded and died.

Thank you both, OM decided and I have to agree that we shouldn't jump into a new relationship from splitting up from a marriage so quickly. He wants to date me properly but before that he believes that I should have some independence. For once someone actually puts me first and it's the right thing because I have never lived independently I've gone from my dad to my dh and I didn't think it was healthy to go straight to OM.

You don't understand how supportive your replies have been. I'm so scared of the scrutiny and gossip, but you both have given me some food for thought. Thank you.

I think I would be leaving because I have been implicating for four years, living in fear and humiliation every time alcohol is involved. The OM just made me realise how a man should behave.

Leave your husband if you need to, but beware staying with the 'exit affair'. My DM did this, and boy does she regret it. It was right the marriage should end - her & my dad were not compatible - but the way she did it was unnecessarily unpleasant for all concerned.

Roll ahead & my dad remarried very happily. Mum stayed with the other man,who turned out to be an utter shit, but she had concocted this love affair as an excuse for leaving my dad and couldn't bring herself to see it. She would love to get out now, but feels too old, trapped & scared. So sad.

So go into any new relationship with your eyes open and don't invest it with being 'the one' just because it broke up your marriage.

Not implicating I mean I have been thinking and threatening to leave each time he does his drinking thing

arabella I think your OM is telling you very clearly that now he's left his wife, he wants to 'find himself' and he wants to date other women.

I think you've been used.

He doesn't want to date other women, he wants to be with me and wanted me to move in with him. But we just felt it wasn't the right thing to do to jump from one to the other and the space for me would be good. I haven't left my dh yet because I'm scared of making a mistake and whether I need to accept that nobody is perfect and his drinking issues is just a flaw that I have to accept.

Hi arabella. I was in your situation 13 years ago. I was with my ex partner (we weren't married and didn't have children but we did have a mortgage together) for approx 5 years. Through work I developed feelings for a colleague and began an affair. I felt terrible as my partner hadn't really done anything wrong, we just wanted different things out of life. I found my life with him had become stale and boring. He seemed to think that a trip to the takeaway or a burger in a pub were the highlights of life whereas I wanted to go out and do loads of new different things. I was already considering leaving when I embarked on the affair (not proud of) and that just pushed me into making a decision. I left and moved into a friend's house and cried myself to sleep almost every night in the weeks/months that followed over the hurt I'd caused my ex. The guilt was such a hard thing to work through.

I didn't leave the relationship specifically for my new man, I left to begin a new life by myself though I did still date him. I eventually rented my own house and had the best 18 months ever before finally moving in with OM. I loved having the space and time to myself and the whole experience made me much stronger. I continued to date my new man and we grew stronger as a couple. We are still together today and have a dd. We are still very much in love and I made the right decision to leave my ex all those years ago.

The other posters are right when they say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it doesn't always work out so well in every case, which is why it is so important to set up by yourself first and discover what you really want out of life before committing to someone new. I'm so glad I didn't make any rash decisions like moving straight in with OM as I think we would have finished very soon after as I just wasn't in the right frame of mind and was dealing with too many mixed emotions. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

Dear angleshades
Thank you for your lovely honest message. I was at a weak point in my life too then one drinking episode pushed me to breaking point and that's when I met my work colleague who quickly became my best friend (not proud of this) but after 3yrs of empty promises that he would change his ways I gave up. I should have left then but I didn't. Now I know what it is to be with someone who doesn't verbally abuse you, or gloat/touch other women when drunk made me realise I should leave. Give my DH a chance to be with someone else who will love him 100%.

I will move into a short term let in the beginning of September for two months. This will give me some time to get my head around things and I will the rent out the house we own and then sell the following year I think.

I need some space to decide what the right thing to do is and just get used to being by myself and being ok with that.

Thank you again

You are welcome arabella. I think you are making the right decision. Give yourself enough time to adjust to being by yourself in your new home, 2 months may not be long enough. I didn't truly start to feel happy and relaxed until at least 6 months after the break up.

Your dh's behaviour sounds just like my sisters ex partner. He used to get drunk/drugged up and behave the same way, sometimes even sleeping with the other women. It happened every 6 months - a year or so. My sister loved him so much that she put up with his behaviour for 10 years. She tried everything to get him to change but he never did. She finally left and moved into her own place and has never been happier. She is with a wonderful caring partner now who loves her to bits. The break up was so hard for her even though she knew it was the right thing to do. She lost so much weight with all the worry. She is a totally different person now. So confident and happy. I'm so proud of her. I thought she'd be trapped in that horrible old relationship forever and I was always telling her to leave. I guess she just had to be ready to do it herself.

You'll get there arabella. Somewhere out there an amazingly happy life is just waiting for you. Unfortunately the hard part is going through the bad feelings and guilt to reach it.

Angleshades thank you again....

I'm sorry to hear that your sister had to go through this too, it's so horrible living a life hoping someone will change and staying by them for locality and duty and because you genuinely care. But all he did was hurt her. I am glad to know she is now finally happy in her life because everyone deserves security and happiness.

I was thinking of moving into a short term let for 2m and then we will put our house on the market for rent till next November at which point we can sell but I'll rent something more long term after these initial two months. I think my h doesn't really believe what's going on he thinks I'm easily walking away but I'm only 29 and for the last 4 years I've been wishing I could be happy emotionally and feel safe when he drinks. I don't think he's slept with anyone but his emotional and verbal bullying and talking/touching other girls really wore me down I've since become so anxious and jealous.

I'm hoping the two months alone will make me realise I can be on my own and that I don't need a man (something I've always been used to from my dad to my ex to my h)

I'm sure I'll still see OM but he wants to do things properly he wants to have a normal relationship which includes dating. I think we decided to keep it quiet till the following year I think a lot of people already suspect something is happening and we don't want to further taint things.

It would be great to hear from you again and to stay in touch.

I did eight years ago after a very short affair, I was only still married because I was afraid of being alone and at the time I thought I thought someone is better than no-one. We had been together for 14 years and looking back I was never 'in love' with Exh in the first place, I wanted to settle down and have DCs, so that's what I did, with the first interested male.

I eventually married OM and we are very happy but it has not been without difficulties. My DCs were 9 and 11 and the I think the youngest (DS) who was already having problems at school struggled with it. Also Exh was constantly very, very nasty about me in DCs presence, which IMO is never acceptable, whether I had one affair or 50!

So with hindsight, I would have spent some time single and alone first with my DCs BUT I don't regret what I did. I have some guilt, yes but overall I'm happier with DH now than I ever was with Exh.

To make a wild generalisation: some people make a big mistake with their first marriage, stay too long flogging a dead horse, and when they finally move on, find someone they're much happier with; others throw away a good first marriage chasing a sexier, more romantic dream only for it to turn to dust & regret.

In the immortal words of John Mortimer:

"People go to endless trouble to divorce one person and then marry someone who is exactly the same, except probably a bit poorer and a bit nastier. I don't think anybody learns anything."

It's really important you identify which kind of marriage you're in.

Would be good to hear how you get on. Wishing you lots of luck :)

PM me if you prefer.

Thanks angleshades....

I've been married 18 years, together for 25 years.. My husband is ex military nice man but distant with emotions. I recently started an affair with a guy 12 years younger than me I'm 50 next month. I can only put it down to changes in the last 6 months or so son and daughter moving out of our family home, down sizing, living with my dad ( 6 months now!) whilst home improvements take place, hubby returned home for good in the new year for good & found a job quickly still works away but for 2 weeks at at time & home for weekends.. Then I've over spent on our budget on the house which my dad has kindly lent us £20.000 😁 To say I've been stressed is an understatement!!! But I know it no excuse for the affair which my husband now knows about. I've broke his heart he devistated but wants to try again, I have feelings for this other guy and want to make a life with him but I owe it to my husband to try & work it out. I feel we're best friends I love him but not certain if I'm in love with him? My affair as changed that, I know grass isn't greener but I don't want to wonder what if? I'm in limbo & totally confused..

I have like all people have dealt with a death in the family, pets dieing but nothing in this world prepares one for infidelity, nothing, the feelings that wash over those left behind are truly like nothing on earth, the pit of despair is the 1st of many floors the infidelity lift takes us too, each worse than the last, awful, what makes it so debilitating is the person that puts us here is the one person who we trusted the most, talk about sleeping with the enemy, people and their ego's. where will it all end.

I left my exh for om, we are now married. I knew my marriage to exh was dead in the water though and had known om for many years as we were friends.

It worked for me, we've never been happier. But it's been tough.

I'm my husband's second wife. I am re-living his first relationship with bells on. I am now the same age his first wife was when he left her. Beware, you might just be re-living whatever relationship you are already tiring of. A bit of time alone, and with a bit of extra help would be good.

Shall I leave my partner after 16 yrs after he’s been talking to another woman planing on leaving me and our kids for her ?? Has any one else ever felt the pain was to much to carry on