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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you leave your marriage for someone else and are you happier or do you regret it? it or are a

87 replies

Glycine · 28/09/2012 21:29

Just a vague notion. Things not been great with DH for a while but nothing too bad. Just silly arguments and lack of intimacy. Maybe we've just got lazy and arent doing fun things anymore. andRecently met someone who I'm very attracted to but hardly know. Don't want to break up my family but then don't want to spend the next 30 years wondering what if?
What would you do? Have one dc. Other man has 2 kids but separated.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 29/09/2012 15:15

I left my DH 5 years ago but not for someone else.

Best thing I ever did.

It depends on all sorts of factors, if it's fixable but you can't be arsed, Vs unfixable and already spent years flogging a dead horse...

gettingeasier · 29/09/2012 15:18

cogito that happened to me too and your post made me think for a minute

I still feel my conscience is clear and in the long run I am not burdened with guilt etc

A bad marriage should be ended but not with an affair. If my xh had left and then in due course got with his ow then that would have been far kinder than what he actually did , although for him of course it was much nicer to have someone to get him through it all

peeriebear · 29/09/2012 15:22

My mum left my dad the week before their 20th anniversary after having had an affair for four months. This was 15 years ago. She moved in with the OM and had my younger DSis nearly two years later. My dad was utterly blindsided by her leaving- he'd had no clue how unhappy she was and lost over four stone in rapid time.
Only a couple of months ago my mum confessed she thought she'd made a huge mistake soon after she left but was too ashamed to ask to come back :( her ex partner (the OM) was a real killjoy stick in the mud who drained the joy out of her. He's dead now and she honestly felt no sadness at all.
"the grass looks greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bullshit"

Lueji · 29/09/2012 15:30

The question is, would you leave your husband if that man was not in the picture?

And you hardly know him...

gettingeasier · 29/09/2012 15:34

I suppose second marriages/relationships will be much the same as first ones ie some very happy and successful others not

My marriage needed to end as xh had clearly stopped loving me but I was scurrying around trying to fix things in the misguided belief that I could make him love me and treat me well again

Whether or not his relationship with his ow which is nearly 3 years in is happy or stays the distance doesnt alter the fact it was a good thing for me that he left

Bonsoir · 29/09/2012 15:34

It is perfectly reasonable to think that no husband is a worse option that a husband you don't find very exciting, but that if an exciting man came along, he would be a better option than dull-existing-husband.

gettingeasier · 29/09/2012 15:37

Charming and inaccurate imo

Bonsoir · 29/09/2012 15:38

If I don't like my house, I don't make myself homeless. I look for a better one, and move there when I find it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/09/2012 15:50

"If my xh had left and then in due course got with his ow then that would have been far kinder than what he actually did "

It isn't you know. It is just as hurtful to discover you're no longer loved and are being left for no reason as it is to discover you've been dumped for another woman or another man. There's no good way of breaking up with someone.

Bonsoir · 29/09/2012 15:54

I actually think it's worse to be left for no-one. I mean, how humiliating to be told that your H would rather live alone than with you? It would make you feel really dreadful.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/09/2012 15:59

I don't know if you're being serious Bonsoir but you're right, it is humiliating. If there's an OW (as we see on these boards so often) you can direct your rage and hurt at this terrible she-devil that has mercilessly lured your lovely DH away and turned his innocent little head. If he actually does just walk away because he's had enough of you and you alone... that's a bitter pill to swallow

SoSoMamanBebe · 29/09/2012 16:01

Bonsoir I'm another who would rather be left for someone else. To be left before there was an OW is a bit 'I'd rather leave so I can meet someone else, ANYONE else other than you'. But then I've never been a jealous type. We also have had wobbles and had counselling to work on them, so definitely not in a perfect scenario so don't want to sound like I'm hoiking judgy pants or anything.

ChasingSquirrels · 29/09/2012 16:02

I would 2nd Bonsoir's post, my ex left because he would rather live alone than with me, I was able to process that much more easily when I found out he had a new partner who I suspect had been around at the time of the split.

gettingeasier · 29/09/2012 16:02

I disagree

There is no easy way of breaking up with someone as you say but there is a way thats more respectful and less in your face at a time when you are heartbroken

elastamum · 29/09/2012 16:04

I had dinner with my ex last night when I went to pick up my children. He left me after a series of affairs. It was like death by a thousand cuts. After a subsequent failed marriage he is now single. five years later, I now have a lovely DP. I am much happier, as although I went through a lot of a pain and was single for about 3 yrs, I now feel loved and valued by my DP.

We now get on well but my ex hasnt found happiness along the way, despite having had serial relationships, and he is certainly poorer. I expect if he could turn the clock back he probably would, but it is far too late.

ChasingSquirrels · 29/09/2012 16:05

but regardless - I would rather that the split hadn't happened (both that he wasn't unhappy and that he hadn't felt the need to look elsewhere) because the impact and fall out on our family is immense - and that is in an "easy" separation.

I have seen a friend go through a difficult one in the last couple of years and I just ache for the pain that all involved continue to go through, and the use of the children as pawns.

ChasingSquirrels · 29/09/2012 16:06

elastamum - I think your split was around the same time as mine, I am glad that you are happy now :)

elastamum · 29/09/2012 16:58

Thanks! It was a tough few years, then I met DP (through the internet) we are both really happy. Hope things are working out for you too Smile

ChasingSquirrels · 29/09/2012 17:24

yes - things are good here too!

Trulydevoted · 29/09/2012 18:52

I did 4 yrs ago, although I wasn't married to my ex but had been together for 15 yrs and have 3ds. My reasons for leaving him were a lot more than just getting 'lazy' though, he was very controlling and wanted me stay at home with ds's while he wanted to lead the 'single life' and his friends would always come first instead of me and ds's, and he generally turned into a horrible selfish pig! I did try and work things out and we even went to relate but it was no use he would just go back to his horrible ways. And i always new that deep down it was already to late. I used think do I really want to spend the next 15 yrs like this or is there someone out there that can make me really happy and treat me right.

Anyway I'm now happily married to the 'other man' although I felt really guilty for over a year for ds's tearing their little world apart. And there were lots of tears from all sides. Now they wouldn't have it any other way and are so happy, my dh has 3 children if his own and older dd and 2 ds's the same age mine and they all get on great and his dc's are really happy. I have finally found that man who treats me right and loves me to bits.

So yes it can work out but you really have talk to your dh about how your feeling and try and work it through first before you make any rash decisions. Try giving it another six months and then see how you feel.

nkf · 29/09/2012 18:57

If ending is the measure of a marriage's success, then second ones fail more than first. Of course some second marriages work but what you don't have is a guarantee.

OhNoMyFoot · 29/09/2012 18:59

If you've not tried to work on your marriage then please do. It will be easier than splitting.

LizLemon007 · 29/09/2012 23:32

I agree with cogito. People's desperation to work at an unhappy marriage puzzles me. Their fear of splitting up is ...... just FEAR. And I get it. But, don't be told that you have to be 'grateful' for a marriage that makes you feel trapped, lonely and bored! Grateful because some people you know are single....?!?!? Confused

scottishmummy · 29/09/2012 23:51

you want option on shagging but dh on backburner
well it's duplicitous it's shitty
if your marriage lacks vavavoom you both need to but it back

Arabella1973 · 26/08/2014 23:34

I need some help....

I'm 29 and got married to someone when I was 24 he was initially the rebound but very good looking and ticked all the boxes and my parents love him. However he has a drinking issue. If he has 'big' night out he can't remember he's married, he becomes verbally abusive, doesn't recognise me and even touches other girls on the face or their waist. All our nights out have been ruined. He's very apologetic the next day for the verbal abuse and promises he won't do it again but once he's out of the dog house he does it again a couple of months later.

18months ago I met a married man who was in a 'mediocre' marriage he said and we both became very good friends very quick he was my emotional crutch and vice versa, he looked after me well, no issues with drinking, I felt and still do feel safe. I can enjoy going out with him. He is also very caring about my mum which my current H isn't so interested in.

The new guy is 12yrs older than me and neither parties have kids. However after 18m of me wanting to be with him he left his wife last week.

I am now in a massive stress because he wants to be with me but I feel sorry for my husband and I do love him and he's all I know. I know over the last 4yrs if marriage all I've done is complain and have such stress and fear about the drinking and I vow each time he does it it's the last and I will leave. Except I don't. I have massive family pressures to stay and we have a Great Dane dog too.
I keep thinking what he does isn't too bad now that I'm given the choice to be with this amazing guy who I met because I'm scared of what everyone will say.

This new guy now wants me to have a clean break from him and says I should either work on my marriage or take a clean break and we can then see if we are compatible together but not whilst trying to work on my marriage which I know is the right thing to do.

I've waited for so long for someone to put my first and make me feel safe and wanted and now I have the chance I'm in two minds about leaving. My husband is not a bad person the drinking is something that runs in the family (his dad is like this still, he says he's not like his dad but he too is unable to stop his reaction with alcohol)

I also have a massive guilt that this lovely man is now left with nothing and he did the right thing by leaving his wife because he wasn't happy and that's what I wanted and kept saying how unhappy I was but now I'm finding it hard to leave my husband.

This is affecting me massively, I've lost so much weight and have come out in a rash on my face all stress related.

Why was I so sure and now I'm scared and feel all these feelings for my husband that I didn't before. I'm now feeling like I'm prepared to live with the drinking issues despite feeling such resentment each time it happens. We are hardly ever physical and I've always looked elsewhere when I've been with him. I know what kind of person that makes me but I just don't know what to do.