Splitting dcs in divorce?

[thisidid]

I would appreciate some views on how I should deal with DH's and my probable separation. To cut a long story short, we have two DDs, one 5yrs and one 12 weeks old. I had an affair about a year ago, which DH has recently found out about. This has devastated him and destroyed his self esteem. I am about to lose the love of my life and I am appalled at what a fool I have been. It isn't over - yet - but I think the end is increasingly likely.

We have discussed separating but neither of us wants to be without our children. Understandably, he does not want to be the one to leave as he will lose everything. DH adores DD1, as do I. He is a wonderful father to her and has played a prominent role in her care, as I am the main breadwinner. However, DH has so far not bonded strongly with DD2 (although she is his - we did a DNA test to confirm - I knew anyway but he wanted the proof).

The main reason DH is even contemplating staying with me atm is because of DD1. I want our family to stay together more than anything else, but I have to accept that staying with DH will probably continue to ruin his self-esteem. I need to consider how to make a potential split amicable and bearable for us both, if it is really what he wants to do.

If I told him he could have main custody of DD1 and I kept DD2, what would that be like for our DDs? DD2 is so young that they haven't yet built up a strong sibling bond. The thought of not seeing DD1 every day is unbearable, I am sitting here crying as I type this, but it would help DH to move on and I feel that it is my fault we are in this position, so it is probably only fair that I take the brunt of the emotional loss.

I would ensure that I lived very close i.e. in the same town as DH and DD1 and that I saw her every couple of days, every other weekend etc. God knows how I would be able to leave her. I can't bear the thought of it. But as my DH has said to me repeatedly over the last few days, why should he be the one to leave, when he hasn't done anything wrong?

Please give me some advice, as I really don't know what to do.

That is good to hear. I would put all your joint effort into trying to recover your relationship and come out of this stronger and united as a couple.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
I,m surprised by all those commenting that the op should give her dh both children. Would you give your children to dh? I know there is no way whatsoever I would willingly hand my dh custody and main residency. He loves them dearly but I would fight like crazy to keep my kids even if I was the one in the 'wrong'

Very bad idea IMO ,as everyone else is saying , your children will feel like you have chosen which child you prefer the most to keep . Keep them together and work out a 50/50 access which wouldn't be hard if your going to live in the Same area

In this situation I would fight for my marriage, grovel a lot, tell everything, and hope that the other person could forgive me. I would not leave the children with them, even if they had been the primary carer (and I'm not sure why people are saying you are not, even if you are working f/t, if you do every evening and weekend care while he works, your hours may be pretty even, I know, I've done it!) I would go for 50/50 care if we split up.

You have received good advice, please take it and don't even think of separating the children for a minute. Also, your husband will need time to bond with dd2, whether you are together or not, and so being apart from her will not necessarily be less painful. It doesn't go neatly, I stayed home with one, my husband stayed home with the other when they were tiny, but you'd be hard pushed to see any difference in closeness now.

Thank you all. Am thinking clearer today. I can see what a terrible and damaging thing it would be to split them up, especially for DD1.

OP I am so pleased to read this from you tonight. You were so obviously distraught when you started this thread, we do feel for you. Don't give up.

I,m surprised by all those commenting that the op should give her dh both children.

I wish I was surprised. I'm afraid there are some really strange people who post on this website. I always imagine them with two huge chips on their shoulders and a massive axe, looking for somewhere to grind it.

It's very sad, very unhelpful, but thankfully their views are so extreme they can be safely ignored.