MIL way too critical and I want next visit to be different. Any tips?

[ThatBintAgain]

She's coming to stay in a couple of weeks and I'm really not looking forward to it. She was up a month ago and it was a nightmare, she was constantly having a dig. In brief:

my cooking isn't suitable (bland enough)
my portions are too big
my house is too small
my kids are too naughty
my washing powder smells too strong
I use the tumble dryer too much (I don't!)
we are idiots for not buying a house (with what?!)

I could go on (and on) but suffice it to say that she seems desperate to point out things that we do that she thinks are utterly stupid and it feels like she would love nothing more than to see us come a cropper so she can say "I told you so." I have tried to rise above it and be very pleasant but actually it makes me just want to stay away from her.

I feel like saying when she arrives - "right, no criticism for the duration of your stay thank you!" but clearly I won't because it seems a bit antagonistic. But I'm getting fed up of turning the other cheek and the strain usually shows by the time she leaves with DH and I falling out.

Any practical advice please?!

I feel like saying when she arrives - "right, no criticism for the duration of your stay thank you!" but clearly I won't because it seems a bit antagonistic.

Why not, I'd start off with that, really!

Then use Callin's technique. wanders off to find a difficult person to practise on

Lambethlil, AIBU would be a good safe trial area.

(And I just managed to reply with that comment to the wrong poster, in the wrong thread. Oops. Was in AIBU, too!)

Caitlin's advice is great but I bet it takes a bit of practice because when someone says something snidey, particularly if you are, for example, in the staff room with others about your stress hormones surge and your mind sort of freezes.

I am going to print out some snidey comments I have been on the receiving end of and practice the retorts so that i'm ready the next time.

Thanks for the v useful advice here.

Some bloody brilliant techniques here, thank you so much! Have also just ordered "A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You" so thanks for the recommendation.

The whole thing is a bit weird, she's always been like this every time she's come to stay (this has only been an issue in the last two years as we moved further away so staying over for any length of time has only recently become necessary) apart from over Easter when she was generally ok. However, I'm realising now that her coming and behaving is the exception, not the rule. DH is wary of upsetting her as she lost her husband over a year ago, but I'm not sure that's really an excuse.

The last time she was up she very kindly offered to look after the kids for a few days during the holidays. We thought this would be win-win, we save on childcare, she gets time away from home to hang out with the grandchildren. Only it turned out that she would take them over the road to the park for 30 mins, then have to spend the rest of the day loafing recovering in front of the tv. She wouldn't go out if it looked like rain, even if I offered to drive her to soft play and collect her later. ( She said "Well what am I supposed to do there?!" Erm, read, enjoy them not being in your hair?!) That particular day they ended up going to childcare anyway, which cost me £50 I hadn't budgeted for, and she then spent the day sat on the sofa next to where I work in silence to make some sort of point I presume. I work from home and that was something she totally could not respect and thought it was acceptable to stay in the same room as me with the kids climbing all over me, she refused to take them to the library when they asked and when she took them out under duress she actually lost one of them - a stranger found DS2 wandering about in a massive crowd and was about to call the police! She came back saying never again - to be honest, damn right.

To make it worse, she would doze all afternoon, then get her second wind in the evening and stay up until 11.30pm exercising total control over the remote. This was annoying (not just cos she made us watch shite) but because we'd given up our bed and couldn't go ourselves until she went up. Then she'd roll down at 9am as I'd be starting work and start the whole "what shall we do today rigmarole" - even though we'd have discussed a plan the night before.

SIL is coming over in a few weeks to stay with us for the first time since we moved, it will be nice to see her as she lives abroad and doesn't get back much, but MIL is talking about coming over too. Can't believe she's suggesting it, given she thinks our house is so bloody small. Really hoping she doesn't but gearing up for MIL bingo (thanks for that!) and that Ginshizz thread is amazing!

Sorry, that turned into a right old whinge!

Blimey, I wouldn't give up your bed again. Can she stay in a hotel? Where are you actually going to put her if she and your SIL both come?

OK, OP - there's ONLY one word you need to use and that is .......... "really??" to ererything she says. Do NOT say anything else at all, but at the same time just raise your eyebrows.

If they both come we'll either have to put both MIL and SIL in our room (they sometimes do this if we all go to stay at her house for any length of time, although don't even get me started on that!) or we'll have to put DS1 on DS2's floor and let SIL have his bed. Either way, we're downstairs on the sofa...

I need DH to establish what's going on and quickly so I can start stockpiling gin.

You need to have a look at the website Etiquette Hell, they have entire sections devoted to stock answers to insulting/unacceptable coments ranging from " Why would you say that ?" "Bean dipping i.e. What a lot of weather we have been having lately" or complete silence.

Alternatively you could start laughing like a drain every time she says something insulting, give her a not so gentle push and go "OOh MIL you are a card"

Well, you are v good to give up your bed. I wouldn't. Can't you get a couple of blow up mattresses for the lounge so she can watch tv til her hearts content late at night? Btw, this does not mean the lounge is out of bounds in the morning! I wouldn't move my dc either... What if they are sick and anyway iis so disprutive! ESP with school etc.

Sorry, that really got me! Perhaps you don't mind but it would really annoy me! If you do move, tell her it's bedtime at 9.30. No quibbles:)

My MIL used to like making lots of undermining comments. She's much more restrained now after I eventually told her she never said anything nice and she blew up at me and had a massive shouty tantrum. She looked to DH for support and was gobsmacked when totally agreed with me. We didn't speak for a few weeks and then she sent DH a letter saying he'd been horrible to her since he was 17 (he was 35 at the time) - she had been so sure he'd be on her side that she turned on him when he wasn't. She also made a nasty comment about how she hadn't brought him up like that and so his behaviour was a case of nature over nurture - DH is adopted and had always felt very accepted and said it was never a problem so this upset him a great deal. She said we had to apologise or she'd never talk to us again. He replied saying we wouldn't apologise as we hadn't done anything wrong and we'd wait for her to get in touch when she felt ready. She didn't talk to us for 4 golden years.

Anyway, she's much better behaved now.

I was remembering just now about one visit when she decided to pick holes in FIL for the weekend. DH made a joke about her chipping away at his confidence which she haughtily brushed off. Then for the rest of the weekend whenever she said anything DH said quietly "Chip! Chip!" and laughed. By the end of the weekend we were all joining in with the "Chip! Chip!' and she had to give up as she'd become a bit of a laughing stock. Probably sounds very juvenile but it really worked.

Jesus, Lindt, she's bloody lucky your DH was willing to give her the time of day when she came crawling back.

Horrible woman. You're a saint to be willing to speak to her at all after how she treated your husband.