MIL way too critical and I want next visit to be different. Any tips?

[ThatBintAgain]

She's coming to stay in a couple of weeks and I'm really not looking forward to it. She was up a month ago and it was a nightmare, she was constantly having a dig. In brief:

my cooking isn't suitable (bland enough)
my portions are too big
my house is too small
my kids are too naughty
my washing powder smells too strong
I use the tumble dryer too much (I don't!)
we are idiots for not buying a house (with what?!)

I could go on (and on) but suffice it to say that she seems desperate to point out things that we do that she thinks are utterly stupid and it feels like she would love nothing more than to see us come a cropper so she can say "I told you so." I have tried to rise above it and be very pleasant but actually it makes me just want to stay away from her.

I feel like saying when she arrives - "right, no criticism for the duration of your stay thank you!" but clearly I won't because it seems a bit antagonistic. But I'm getting fed up of turning the other cheek and the strain usually shows by the time she leaves with DH and I falling out.

Any practical advice please?!

I think you're going about this the wrong way, though. People are suggesting retorts to her complaints, but she'll just change her complaints. You can't always be on top of it with regard to her complaints - it's exhausting.

I would write to her. I'd say that you are very fond of her and are looking forward to seeing her, but that last time she was with you, you were upset for several weeks afterwards. Remind her what she said. Ask her how she would feel if someone came to her house and said those things. Tell her you have to feel safe and comfortable in your house. If someone criticises it then your instinct is to avoid them.

Then say that you hope the things she said the last time won't be repeated. Say that maybe she wasn't feeling too well and that's why she was complaining. (Give her a get out clause.)

Say again that you're looking forward to seeing her and sign off.

You have to take a stand on this. She has absolutely no right to talk to you like that in your own home.

Use the MBN classic ' -did you really mean that to sound so rude, MIL???'

Laugh. Everyone she criticises continue with what your doing with a chortle or snort. Maybe an accompanying 'Good one, classic MIL comment."

If she questions your laughter say "Oh your critical side has just become a bit of a joke between us. We know it's just your way and we love you. So we've learned to laugh it off. Can't wait to share what you've just said with DH. He'll find it hilarious."

Because actually, a lot of these criticisms are hilarious. Your over use of the tumble dryer?!?!

Read Anne Dickson's A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You and use that to be politely assertive back.

"People are suggesting retorts to her complaints, but she'll just change her complaints."

To a point but there actually comes a stage where they get fed up complaining because they don't like getting a polite sock to the jaw. Writing about how upset you are is a really bad idea because that was precisely the effect they were going for in the first place!!!

Standing up for yourself means a) directly, b) unequivocally and c) in person. Shrink from it and a bully just gets the confidence to keep bullying.

Smile and nod and say in a very non confrontational, pleasant way, 'it suits us' and change the subject. If she gets back to it repeat. Never waver from the same statement - don't give her a way in.

Writing letters to such damaged people only gives them further ammo against you. Appealing to their better nature does not work either because they do not have one!.

Why is she coming to see you at all?. Its probably because you're the only ones who will put up with her behaviour in the first place. Give these people an inch and she will exploit it for all she is worth.

When you are dealing with emotionally dysfunctional, miserable and toxic people like your mother, "normal" rules go out the window. You have to change tack and raise your own boundaries re her and stick to them to the letter. Both you and your H have to present a united front to this person.

If she keeps digging (and she will) ask her to leave immediately. No further discourse is necessary.

Your H is also part of the problem, he probably does see what goes on but for whatever reasons becomes a bystander; that does not help you or he any because he then comes across as spineless. He also needs to be around more when she does visit.

You would not treat a friend like this, family are truly no different. It is okay not to have such awful people imposing themselves on your family.

At every critical comment, just reply "mmmm" and leave the room for a few minutes with no explanation. It may not make any difference but it might just make you feel a bit better.

Snarky humour works for me - if she complains meals too much give her a tiny bit in a kids bowl next time for a joke and roll around laughing.

My mil said i didn't know what a Hoover was and I spent a day making pathetic jokes about what a slutty slut I am and she soon got bored.

How about at the first critisism say lightly. Oh dont start that again i felt as if all you did was critisise me last time and id like to enjoy this visit.

Just marking my place on this as I have recently had the same issues with my DSF when he stayed here for 2 weeks. The advice I got was to just let it go over my head and walk away when it gets to much but I was an emotional wreck by the end of the visit from the pent up anger! Eg. He inspected the inside of all my kitchen cupboards and said 'hmmm I'd reccomend you get yourself some decent disinfectant on this' I'm taking on board a lot of the advice here for next time. It's not just women who can be toxic rellies!

If she says things quite slyly asking her to repeat it is powerful.

I've come to realise that perpetual criticisers/complainers/moaners often do it because they honestly believe that no one listens to them. They feel so unheard that they think they can say whatever comes into their head and no one will be upset because no one will hear it. They've totally lost the connection between their words and other people's feelings and have got wrapped up in their own feelings - they moan because they honestly feel their life is that bad, they criticise to make themselves feel better about other people supposedly being so much better off than they are.

Something I've found really really works with people like this is to take them up on every single thing they say. Make it clear you're listening to absolutely everything and get them explain/expand upon what they're saying. People often comment that famous whingers/nasty people are very "normal" with me (including my utter shit of a sister). That's because they do feel heard by me and they've been embarrassed more than once by having to explain their nasty/moaning comments so they are suddenly very careful about what they say around me. Just asking someone to repeat what they've said can often be enough - a couple of time just saying "pardon" has made a moaner turn puce and shut up. Once a person has to repeat or stand up for what they're saying, they've dug a hole for themselves that they can't get out of. Plus you come out of the whole thing smelling of roses because you haven't said anything nasty at all. So if she comments on bland food, ask her what she likes to eat, ask her for recipes, ask if she would like to cook etc, all in a friendly conversational manner. Hopefully she'll soon learn she has to be careful about what she says if she doesn't want to end up looking ridiculous.

When she starts just say to her

Well it cant be all that bad as you came back to visit so soon after last time!

If she finds so much fault, it's a wonder she wants to come and stay so often. Maybe ask her why?

That sounds pretty good Cailin!

I shall be trying the repeating tactic! It would most definately get me to shape up if anyone did that to me!

So you think out house is too small?

Why do you think poor little johnny is naughty, I suppose he's excited because your here. Would you like me to put him on the naughty step.

What my portions are too large?

Would you like to show me what spices to put in my food so it's not bland then because I think it's just peachy.

Cailin, that is genius. I shall definitely try it, thank you.

I would pick her up on everything and use it to your advantage

• "your kids are too naughty", I think they just need to run around a bit more why don't you take them to the park?
• "Your food is too bland" it would be great if you could cook.
• "You use the tumble dryer too much" I would really appreciate it if you could hang the washing out for me
• "your portions are too big" it would be great if you could help in the kitchen and so on until she begins to watch what she says.

all said in a nice chatty way with a smile and then get on with whatever you are doing so there can be no come back.

I agree with the repeating thing. I have a difficult MIL who says things that you just don't say. I stop what I'm doing, really look at her and firmly ask her to repeat what she said.

When I first started doing this, she would repeat but water down the comment. Now she comments less and less.

A well timed steely 'pardon?' with a raised eyebrow type expression works well too.

I agree that people like this are sort of cut off and self-obsessed and don't think properly about what they are saying.

If that doesn't help then I think you will have to go for a firm, curt and direct 'Please don't make rude comments, I would like us to be able to continue and enjoy your visit".

I wouldn't get into answering the actual comments themselves - if she is anything like my MIL a) she won't really be listening b) if she listens a bit it will all just be proof what a rubbish DIL you are. Don't let it be about you at all - she is the problem.

Good luck.

I have found the repeating technique works well in all manner of situations I have used it with rude or bullying work colleagues in the past and mostly they don't have the guts to say a rude or nasty thing twice.

So something as simple as pardon? Or sorry I didn't catch that?

I'm definatly going to try this!

I use 'pardon?' with raised eyebrow.

Or a simple 'could you repeat that please?'.

I avoid making it sound like I haven't heard properly - I try to make it sound like "are you sure that was really what you meant to say, I'm going to give you a second chance and I think you better take it" IYSWIM.

You have to put them on the spot so it isn't just about what you say but also about your body language. This might be really looking at the person or stopping what you are doing and turning towards them.