Am I a mug or does this seem fair?

[NorthernGobshite]

My dh lost his full time permanent job earlier in the year and sicne then has been wokring casually. He has a long history of depression and his pevious job compounded it terribly due to stress and very long working hours. We agreed when he lost the job that we did not want him to go back to those conditions and that casual work was the most sensible option at this time.

As a result I am now paying the vast majoirty of the bills as I earn 40k+. DH pays childcare and keeps the rest of any of his earnings. he does pay for occasional days out and if I ask him for money - for example, need to buy £40 sack of dog food this week - he will happily pay up. He earns around £600 - 700 per month on a good month so it's not a kings ransom! His mental health has improved; he still has a long way to go, but he is improving.

I felt fine about this until a 'dear' friend started saying that DH doesn't contribute and comparing him to her deadbeat ex who she supported for many years. He really did contribute nothing and took money off her daily.

What do people think? Is dh taking me for a ride?

In what way is he contributing if all he pays for are the childcare costs which are necessary for him to work?

Well OP is working too so the cost of the childcare enables her to also work.

I think it sounds fine and as though your friend has issues.

You have cited several benefits of your current situation; your husband cooks dinner each night (fantastic), and his health is improving (worth so much more than money). He is also working and contributing financially. Not shabby at all.

If it's working for you then that's all that matters.

Orange, you're assuming something I didn't say. I can clarify - there are cynical, ghastly marriages out there - for instance, when one DP cheats the other in any way and has no remorse. But I sensed a good marriage here.

Two people who are not married could have a large range of relationships. From deeply committed for life to reviewable regularly. They could do their best at their agreed relationship, which could be good. Or they could believe radically different things - that would not be like marriage at all.

Some of us believe marriage is best, but also that others' freedom is vital. Should you wish to hold your alternative up to the light then that's great - many may agree with you.

No, it doesn't sound as if you're being taken for a mug. It sounds as though you've both had times when you've needed the other's support, and between you it's worked out.

If your husband is unwell, and you earn enough to support the family, it makes sense for him to recover fully before throwing himself back into a high pressure job.

I understand why you don't want joint accounts, it seems a sensible arrangement in the circumstances. Do you both end up with a similar amount of personal money ? Sometimes the partner who is at home more ends up paying for bits of shopping, activities for the children, birthday presents for others etc, so if that is the case it makes sense for him to have access to that money.