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Original poster

Am I a mug or does this seem fair?

55 replies

NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 11:59

My dh lost his full time permanent job earlier in the year and sicne then has been wokring casually. He has a long history of depression and his pevious job compounded it terribly due to stress and very long working hours. We agreed when he lost the job that we did not want him to go back to those conditions and that casual work was the most sensible option at this time.

As a result I am now paying the vast majoirty of the bills as I earn 40k+. DH pays childcare and keeps the rest of any of his earnings. he does pay for occasional days out and if I ask him for money - for example, need to buy £40 sack of dog food this week - he will happily pay up. He earns around £600 - 700 per month on a good month so it's not a kings ransom! His mental health has improved; he still has a long way to go, but he is improving.

I felt fine about this until a 'dear' friend started saying that DH doesn't contribute and comparing him to her deadbeat ex who she supported for many years. He really did contribute nothing and took money off her daily.

What do people think? Is dh taking me for a ride?

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 27/09/2012 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LivvyPsMum · 27/09/2012 19:06

Sounds fine to me. Would you friend be saying the same if it were the other way round and you were earning less than your DH?

AnyFucker · 27/09/2012 19:16

if he is doing his fair share around the house/childcare, meaning in proportion to how many hours of paid work you are each doing, it sounds ok to me too

the relative level of income, doesn't matter...it's the practical contribution

casual work doesn't sound a good long term prospect though...I would have an expectation he was looking into ways to protect his earning potential over time, tbh (if and when he is well again)

however, I say that about women who are SAHM's, so it's not a gender thing

perhaps your friend has outmoded ideas about men who are not major breadwinners are not real men or summat ?

BelieveInPink · 27/09/2012 19:28

Sounds good to me. In fact, flipped the other way, housework wouldn't come into it. And he's contributing, if not a massive amount.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 27/09/2012 19:47

It seems fair, depending on how happy you both are with this as a long term situation.
IMO your friend needs to stop imposing her views on your marriage.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 27/09/2012 20:57

OP, do you have £600 for yourself (after bills and savings - which are surely joint) come out?

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 21:05

I probably don't have £600 to myself each month but I buy what I want/need and have a car which dh doesn't. Also I said £600 on a GOOD month; it is usually less. We have healthy savings and ISA which I can access whenever needed.

As for long term plans, that's hard. The industry he is in is generally unstable and his previous job was one of the few permanent ones. But with it came very long hours (50+), a lot of stress, he was bullied.... For now casual work is enough for him.

My friend, to be fair to her, has been messed around by men many times and I think she was just trying to help in her own way. She was looking out for me; and it was probably said in the context of me having a moan about something.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 27/09/2012 21:06

Your friend doesn't know anything about the intimate workings of your relationship. I'd do the exact same thing as you for my DH, as unknown he would for me. Life is hard enough without being the recipient of very unfair criticism. If the arrangement you have with your DH suits you and your family, to heck with what your friend said.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2012 21:08

could he retrain ?

take a different direction ?

if you can support the family, I would hope he would be thinking about this

MolotovBomb · 27/09/2012 21:08

Sorry, 'undoubtedly' not 'unknown'

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2012 21:16

I think your friend is probably unable to view this objectively as she has had negative experiences with cocklodging parasites. It sounds to me as though your H is contributing his share of effort to the family ie doing more domestic work than you as he is bringing in less money. That's fair enough - particularly as he cleared the family debts with his redundancy money. If you are happy together and keeping afloat then never mind what your mate says. She probably means well so don't get angry with her, just smile and thank her for her concern and ignore it.

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 21:22

He could retrain yes, but with his depression and previous job have totally wrecked his confidence. it's coming back slowly and I am certain her won't want to work casually forever, but it's only been 4 months!

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 21:24

And he worked his socks off for 2 years in REALLy shitty jobs when we first met so I could do a Masters degree and that is how I now earn what I earn.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2012 21:32

they are just suggestions, you don't have to make excuses for him quite so vociferously

you asked for opinions < sheesh >

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 21:42

Not making excuses, responding to your question

OP posts:
OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 27/09/2012 22:35

I think you're wrong to say, "What he earns he can keep." That's just not fair. If he's going through a bad time workwise and wants to do casual work, then at least part of that money should be saved in case there are other bad times ahead.

It's treating him as a child to say his earnings are his spending money. So you have a car? You need it, don't you? Do you ferry around the children? Do you need it to get to work? Do you give your husband lifts when he needs them? Do you drive the family on holiday? A car isn't usually a luxury.

lydiamama · 27/09/2012 22:50

Your friend is out of order. Your husband is contribuiting, and he has done this in the past too. He has been unfortunate (or fortunate when comes to health) to loose his job, as many of us in these times, but he has looked and found job since then, less paid, but HE IS WORKING. And if he was stressed and now feeling better is a blessing then, especially as you do not seem to be struggling, you are in a good wage. So I will tell her straight away that she is misjudging my wonderful husband, that I DO NOT MAINTAIN HIM, that I am more than happy for him to have a more relaxed period that will allow to get strong and confident, and that he is working, and I love him to pieces, and I am ever so proud of my MAN.

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 23:04

Why is it treating him like a child?!? We have substantial savings as I said earlier. Once his work is more established he will add to savings.

The car is a choice. Yes it makes life easier but in a city it is still a choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 23:06

And as I also said, he pays child minder when he works. It's not pocket money.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 27/09/2012 23:07

I genuinely think my friend was trying to help. But yes, tainted by her own experiences.

OP posts:
HumilityYetStrength · 28/09/2012 07:21

I'm sure your friend was trying to help but she doesn't understand marriage. You have something precious - marriage - which will be again a source of strength to help her.

So keep investing in your marriage - sounds like you're doing great - and you'll be able to support her in the future.

Original poster
NorthernGobshite · 28/09/2012 09:52

Thank you; I think we do have strong marriage. We have many ups and owns over the years both due to external pressures and mental health issues. I had PND and then dh had some significant bereavements which triggered long term depression. Not wishing to quote Tories but "we're in this together" is a bit of a family motto!

OP posts:
OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 29/09/2012 09:16

OP, I've been thinking about this quite a bit over the last couple of days. I just think it's wrong that you are paying the bills and he has his money to himself. I know he pays childcare if he needs to work - well, of course! If you were to pay for him to work and then he kept all his own money, that would be madness.

Why shouldn't he pay real bills as well? I know you have savings but to say that one person pays all of the bills and the other person keeps all their money for themself just sounds really, really unfair. And then what happens if you want it to change? If you were to ask him to pay half of it on bills? What would his reaction be? Would he think it wasn't worth his while working or would he accept that?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 29/09/2012 09:17

Humility, for crying out loud, a marriage in itself isn't necessarily a good thing. You can't say just because the OP is married that it's a good marriage or worth having. I'm not saying it's not, either, but that there's no intrinisic value in marriage.

Xales · 29/09/2012 10:28

If he earns £600 - £700 a month and pays the child care out of that how much is he paying in childcare? £200? £300? This is on a good month so he doesn't have £600 to himself every month.

He got made redundant this year. Jobs don't grow on trees and OP says that jobs in his field are not that easy to come by. Rather than sit on his arse he is getting some work and contributing. He hasn't spent years sitting around expecting OP to do all and pay all.

He also cleared the household debts with his redundancy money. What is the difference in him doing that which I assume would reduce the OPs outgoings on her debt (why you have his and her debt in a marriage is a separate issue) and keeping the money for himself and trickling it into the household finance as his contribution to the bills/mortgage?

If you pooled all your money for the month and took equal shares of the left over how much would he have? Would it be vastly different to what he has now?

If he was keeping £100s to himself and you didn't have any money for what you want then he would be out of order. As you have access to what you want it doesn't sound so bad to me.

Depression can make people selfish so as long as you are aware of your boundaries and don't let him slip into being selfish for yourself. He is going through a rough patch and unless there is more you are not saying it sounds to me like you have a good relationship, supporting each other and helping each other in the not so easy times and to make life better for both of you.