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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

disowning father

33 replies

nonono · 21/03/2006 17:25

I am about to tell my Dad that he is no longer my father. My mother died after a short struggle with cancer. Now 8 months later I find out that in spite of all the weeping and wailing (and they had a long and happy marriage but mother always "joked" that he would do this), I find out that my dad has a female friend who is much more than just a friend.

I can't be wrong to disown him can I? I can't see him or talk to him if this other woman is real and would not want to. Mother was such a family woman and did everything for us and dad, she was always there for him when his business was failing including the lowest of the low type of job.

Sorry had to change my name but would really like to hear what your own feelings would be as I can't be wrong or can I? It's only been 8 months.

OP posts:

Radley · 21/03/2006 17:27

I have been in near similar situation, but this 'woman' came into dad's life as a 'friend' a few years after mum died.

moondog · 21/03/2006 17:27

Was this woman on the scene before your mother's death?

Original poster

nonono · 21/03/2006 17:29

no not on scene before mum died. And how another woman can do this is beyond belief too.

OP posts:

Radley · 21/03/2006 17:31

I know what you mean, there are circumstances I still can't beleive too, it is very hard and I know how you are feeling.

Eve2005 · 21/03/2006 17:33

i know this is harsh but some people don't grieve for as long as others and men especially tend to move on with their lives, don't see him if you can't handle it but i don't think you should cut the man out of your life completely, you might feel differantly when your own wounds have healed and regret not having a dad anymore

moondog · 21/03/2006 17:33

Sorry you are feeling so shocked.You've had a lot to deal with.
It seems that there are a lot of men who can't deal with being alone.That doesn't necessarily mean that they are or have been unloving husbands.
Paul MaCartney got together with Heather very soon and I believe Ranulph Fiennes was remarried within a year of losing his much loved wife.

Would you ever accept your father with a new woman??

Original poster

nonono · 21/03/2006 17:34

At least for you it was a few years Radley but still can't make it much easier. When can it ever be easier? But mum's headstone can't even be put in place yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could oh don't even go there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

jofeb04 · 21/03/2006 17:37

Do you think kes honestly dealth with his greave (SP)? Could he be looking for someone cause hes not up to dealing with the grieve?
IYKWIM

lucy5 · 21/03/2006 17:45

This happened with my fil and my sil warned the woman off. I met her for the first time at my fil's funeral last week, he died having lived a dreadfully lonely 8 years. I know this is my fil and i would almost definetely feel betrayed and hurt should my father do this but down the line it may be a good thing for your dad. It's just a bit close for comfort for your poor mums memory. I wouldnt disown him thats your grief talking but I would talk to him and find out where he is, it could just be a tatic for him not facing his own grief.

Radley · 21/03/2006 17:47

I think that what nonono is objecting to, is not that her dad has a new woman in his life, but that he chose to hide the fact by referring to her as a 'friend', I know that is what it was with me.

diddle · 21/03/2006 17:49

nonono - I can totally understand your shock at his actions, but just because he has another female friend doesn't mean he is not grieving for your mother still. At a time like this him having a companion may be just what he needs, someone to support him through this.

I Have never been in this situation before but, i don't think i could disown him for this reason

lucy5 · 21/03/2006 17:50

oh sorry I got the wrong end of the stick, durrr!

wannaBe1974 · 21/03/2006 17:52

grief, and the different ways people deal with it, is one of the biggest issue in families. I am in the beginning stages of studying to become a counsellor and one of the issues we dealt with in some depth was grief. Men generally deal with grief in very different ways to women, and it is very common for a man to have a new partner very soon after the loss of his wife/partner. It may be that you dad just can't see himself on his own, it may be that he needs someone to be with, it may also be that he hasn't properly dealt with his grief but that he wants to move on with his life. Just because he isn't waling and crying in the corner doesn't necessarily mean that he's over your mother, or that he didn't love her, or that he loved her any less than you did. There are no rules on how soon someone should be allowed to move on after the loss of a loved one. Remember, you have your family to help you come to terms with your mother's death, your father has been left behind with no-one. He has a right to be happy, he has a right to have a future with someone else, would your mum have wanted him to be eternally miserable and kept her memory alive for ever by never being with another woman? How would your mum feel now do you think, about you disowning him for finding happyness with someone else?

fuzzywuzzy · 21/03/2006 17:53

Maybe this is his way of dealing with his grief. He's had a wonderful wife and companion for so many years, it must dreadfully difficult going home to an empty house....

Can you speak to him, and tell him how you feel, you don't want him to end up lonely do you?? I assume you have someone to share your grief with, I imagine your father is most probably seeking solace in this new woman.

I dunno, I personally wouldn't hold it against my father if I were in your position (easier said than done, as I've never been in your position).

How long would be acceptable to you as mourning period for your father??

wannaBe1974 · 21/03/2006 17:54

also it might be worth bearing in mind that he may have told you this other woman is just a friend to spare your feelings, he may realize that it will be hard for you to see him being with someone else, especially so soon after your mother's death.

Wordsmith · 21/03/2006 17:54

nonono - do you want your dad to be happy? i know it must be very hard for you to accept but life does have to go on for your dad - you presumably have your dp/dh and kids, he has lost his soulmate and must be very lonely. who's to say what is a decent period of time?

i think disowning him is incredibly selfish of you. he has lost his wife. what has he done that he should lose his daughter and grandchildren too?

what do you think your mum would want? if she was as devoted as you say i would guess she would want him to be happy. please try and accept it.

Wordsmith · 21/03/2006 17:55

sorry didn't mean to sound quite so harsh as that.

FioFio · 21/03/2006 17:57

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Wordsmith · 21/03/2006 17:57

my dad died 6 months ago and i would love to think that my mum could find someone else to share her life. honestly.

wannaBe1974 · 21/03/2006 18:00

me and my dh actually discussed this once, and we both said that if one or the other died we would want each other to be happy. I know that if I died tomorrow I certainly wouldn't want to think of my DH as being on his own.

FioFio · 21/03/2006 18:01

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wannaBe1974 · 21/03/2006 18:05

of course, but what is a short time to one can seem like a lifetime to someone else, especially if that someone is lonely. It's possible the friend really did start out as a friend, but because she was there for him when he was grieving, something more may have developed. I think to disown him for effectively not grieving in the same way or for the same period of time is very harsh, everyone is different, and as hard as this is, life does have to go on.

catsmother · 21/03/2006 19:31

This is such a subjective topic and I agree with what wannabe has said.

That doesn't mean that I don't have sympathy with nonono either, but however close you are to someone else, it's impossible to actually fully understand how they are grieving. I'd also suggest that the grief you feel for a partner is different to that you feel for a parent ..... not somehow more "worthy", just different, and I can imagine this is how upsets like this arise, because the 2 parties concerned (parent and child) are both grieving for the deceased in different ways, because to each of them, the woman in question played a different role.

I hope I haven't offended in saying that, was certainly not my intention ...

Whenever I read stories like this, I also wonder about the vagueries (sp?) of fate which lead to anyone ever meeting anyone else, and what "it" is that means we are attracted to them ? What I'm saying is that a recent widow(er) may have absolutely no plans whatsoever to deliberately seek out a new partner, but then one day they meet someone, the chemistry's there and they just "click". Okay ........ so, in theory, they can walk away, but why should they if this chance meeting has bought a little glimmer of hope and happiness into a life which has been utterly miserable for the last few months ?

Should the recently (and again, that is subjective - everyone has a different defintion of "recent") bereaved turn down opportunities of finding love again, because, other people believe it to be "too soon" ? After all, if they wait until other family members "allow" them to start another relationship, the moment may have passed. What I'm saying is, you can never tell when love is going to strike.

MeerkatsUnite · 21/03/2006 20:02

nonono,

It may also be helpful to you to talk to CRUSE about your own feelings regarding this matter. Their web address is www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk.

lemonstartree · 21/03/2006 20:04

You can replace a partner but you can never replace an parent or a child.

Sorry that sounds harsh, and I can understand that you are devastated by your fathers having another partner so soon after your mothers death, but I think it is hasty to disown him

Can't you talk to him ? tell him you find it hard to see him with another woman when you miss your mum so much. Can you ask him to see you and your family alone for the moment ?
Do you have siblings , how do they feel ?

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