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Original poster

my wife doesnt love me anymore - HELP!!

32 replies

janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:00

I have been with my partner (we are a lesbian couple) for 9 years - the last 2 years of which we've been married. We have a beautiful son who was born this February (I carried him). Since our baby was born, my wife has had to work away from home an awful lot more than she used to (she works from home and used to have to go down to the office 250 miles away once or teice a month for 1 or 2 days) and is now away more than 50% of the time --leaving me feeling like a single mum. We'[ve had countless arguments since the baby was born about her working patterns, about the fact that she's suddenly become pally with a load of people (straight and attached) from her work and now has this sort of 'second life' down south. I have asked her umpteen times if she loves me any more and she's always replied 'of course I do'.
Until now.
Two weeks ago, she came in from work and announced that she doesn't love me 'in that way' any more. My first reaction was to start talking about divorce, but after some very grown-up and level-headed discussion, she said she'd like to try and make it work. She had no answers for me as to why, she swears blind there's nobody else. BUT she has been feeling like things haven't been right for ALMOST A YEAR (I was pregnant with our son!) and about 3 months ago it dawned on her that she doesn't feel the same about me any more. I didn't even occur to her to talk to me about it at the time when she started getting niggles - she just hoped things would get better (quite how, i'm not sure, as I've seen no evidence of her making any extra effort to get things back on track).
Anyway, we have a meeting with a counsellor next week, and I won't see her until then (she's been down south ever since her revelation - trying to get her head sorted about what she wants).
What should I do? I feel numb and I don't know what I should think. I feel like I've lost my identity and life has gone into freefall. Advice???

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:01

I have been with my partner (we are a lesbian couple) for 9 years - the last 2 years of which we've been married. We have a beautiful son who was born this February (I carried him). Since our baby was born, my wife has had to work away from home an awful lot more than she used to (she works from home and used to have to go down to the office 250 miles away once or teice a month for 1 or 2 days) and is now away more than 50% of the time --leaving me feeling like a single mum. We'[ve had countless arguments since the baby was born about her working patterns, about the fact that she's suddenly become pally with a load of people (straight and attached) from her work and now has this sort of 'second life' down south. I have asked her umpteen times if she loves me any more and she's always replied 'of course I do'.
Until now.
Two weeks ago, she came in from work and announced that she doesn't love me 'in that way' any more. My first reaction was to start talking about divorce, but after some very grown-up and level-headed discussion, she said she'd like to try and make it work. She had no answers for me as to why, she swears blind there's nobody else. BUT she has been feeling like things haven't been right for ALMOST A YEAR (I was pregnant with our son!) and about 3 months ago it dawned on her that she doesn't feel the same about me any more. I didn't even occur to her to talk to me about it at the time when she started getting niggles - she just hoped things would get better (quite how, i'm not sure, as I've seen no evidence of her making any extra effort to get things back on track).
Anyway, we have a meeting with a counsellor next week, and I won't see her until then (she's been down south ever since her revelation - trying to get her head sorted about what she wants).
What should I do? I feel numb and I don't know what I should think. I feel like I've lost my identity and life has gone into freefall. Advice???

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 26/09/2012 19:07

Do you think she has met someone else?

LemonDrizzled · 26/09/2012 19:15

Sounds like you have had a tough time and must be feeling devastated.

BUT:
I have asked her umpteen times if she loves me any more and she's always replied 'of course I do'.
That sounds very hard to live with. I think if someone was asking me that all the time I would get a bit annoyed. You need to step back and not beg! She will be losing out hugely if she leaves. Your little DS and your home and YOU! But you cant get someone to love you by desperation. You deserve better!

Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:17

No but I think she's been nurturing new friendships with a bunch of girls who are relatively carefree and they all go out drinking and just having a laugh. Nothing wrong with that except that she'd rather do that than spend time at home with me and her son and her cherished dog. I have accused her of cheating with various people, but she has sworn on the babies life (and I know she wouldn't do that lightly)that she hasn't and that she doesn't even have feelings for anyone else. Another things that's dodgy is how secretive she is with her finances. We don't have a joint account and whenever I suggest it she says she'd rather keep things how they are. She never lets me see her statements and rips up any financial post she gets.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:20

Lemondrizzled - I haven't been 'begging' - simply asking her to really give it some thought seeing as she never even looks at me any more. I've told her before I could walk into the room with blood pouring out of my head and she'd never notice because she never looks at me. I would not beg anyone to love me. I have actually told her that since we've seperated these past couple of weeks. I will not beg for her love. If she cannot find it within her to love me, then I deserve to know and have a chance to move on. It all scares me though. I feel completely wronged. I didn't ask to be a single mum at 32. I didn't change. She did.

OP posts:
achillea · 26/09/2012 19:23

It sounds as though you have a fairly intense relationship but was it always like that? Did your suspicions start when you were pregnant and therefore could be a result of either your hormones telling you things or her actually looking elsewhere?

LemonDrizzled · 26/09/2012 19:26

janey I didn't mean to imply you had been begging! Sorry.

Was the pregnancy a joint decision? Did she seem ready for a family and all the responsibility a DC brings? Because it seems like she is acting as though nothing has changed for her while your life is turned upside down. That must be very hard for you!

Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:27

Hmm, i wouldnt say it's an intense relationship - we used to be very laid back and just comfortable with one another. I didn't have any suspicions when I was pregnant. She's usually a very straighforward kind of person - not one for mind-games and that type of thing. The thing is, the more time we are apart and I brace myself for the worst case scenario (that she says she can't love me) the more I think I'm better off without her, that I deserve to be with somebody else who cares about me. She even admitted that she has deliberately held back on being too 'bondy' with ur son because in the back of her mind, she knew this day would come. Isn't that twisted???

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:29

Lemondrizzled - yes she was as into it as I was - she actually chose our donor! It's true what you say though - ever since he was born, she's been acting like he hasn't. I know I'm his mum abd biased, but he's the most beautiful little boy - I can't imagine why she'd not want to be as close to him as possible.

OP posts:
puds11 · 26/09/2012 19:33

It could be possible she is having the same reaction as a lot of fathers when children first come along. They feel left out/ignored due to the amount of attention a new mum has to give her baby.

I am in no means suggesting that you shouldn't be spending all this time with your son, but do you think this could be a possible explanation?

Perhaps she doesn't feel very involved with your baby since it was a sperm donor, and you carried the baby so she could be feeling a little left out.

NicholasTeakozy · 26/09/2012 19:34

I think you have to accept you're now living like many couples, straight or gay, in that one of you works away for much of the time. This of course sets a strain on the marriage in many ways. You, as the SAHM, feel hard done by and marginalised as she has what appears to be a new life.

This is just as difficult for her, and to be asked whether she still loves you on a regular basis is something she doesn't want nor need. Go to your counselling appointment and try to not put pressure on your wife. I'm pretty sure if you take things easy you can still work things out. Good luck.

panicnotanymore · 26/09/2012 19:34

She won't share financial information with you despite you being married? She leaves you on your own for 50% of the time and seems to prefer her separate carefree life? She's felt that your relationship hasn't been working for a year and didn't even think to mention it?

OP, answer me honestly - why do you want this woman in your life? What value does she bring to you?

I know what I'd do - I'd tell her to stay down South 100% of the time, move on with my life, and speak to a solicitor about a divorce. A spouse is someone who gives as well as takes from a relationship, I struggle to see what she gives you other than housekeeping.

achillea · 26/09/2012 19:35

She even admitted that she has deliberately held back on being too 'bondy' with ur son because in the back of her mind, she knew this day would come.

That's horrific but if she's normally a straightforward person it would be out of character. Or is she just having some kind of midlife crisis and saying that?

maleview70 · 26/09/2012 19:36

Maybe having a child has not been as great an experience as she thought I would be. I assume it was completely a joint decision on this? Who made the decision for you to be the one to carry the child?

This question is asked by many straight women who have just given birth. It's a rocky time for any couple and people do split up during these times.

Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:44

Nicholas Teakozy - I think you could be right - I sort of hope you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:47

Panicnotanymore - she has been a massive part of my life for 9 years - it's only been the past few months that I've felt at all aggrieved. Obviously for her it's been a bit longer. The plan was never for her to lead this double-life. But she is - and it's not helping our relationship. I'd say to her if she's really looking to ladder-climb at work then go for it - make enough money so that I won't have to go back to my job in January and we could all move closer to her office.

OP posts:
Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:48

Maleview70 - she would never have carried the baby - she's very much identified herself as the 'man' of the relationship!

OP posts:
JeuxDEnfants · 26/09/2012 19:49

She has held back from bonding with your son? What is the reason? So he is being negatively impacted by this? You have to put him first. Does she not view him as her son too?

LizLemon007 · 26/09/2012 19:49

That's pretty tough on you 'I don't love you' and ........... fix it. Because while it's good I guess that she wants to work at it, she could have done that without telling you she didn't love you like that!

the one who works is often the one with power. my x didn't bond with dc2 either, and I guess it was for a simialr reason. He knew we wouldn't last.

JeuxDEnfants · 26/09/2012 19:50

Irrespective of your relaionship, how does she feel about him?

JeuxDEnfants · 26/09/2012 19:52

Being a parent is a lifelong responsibility to the child not to the relationship with you. Do you see what I mean... My DH would bond with his son irrespective of how we are getting on or of we were going to last.

Original poster
janeyorkshire · 26/09/2012 19:53

I think she definitely loves him and regards him as her son. I asked her why she would rather snuggle and fuss the dog than our son and she said 'because I know the dog won't judge me'. As if a 7 month old baby judges anyone!! I would bet he will judge her one day, if he hears about all this.

OP posts:
achillea · 26/09/2012 20:00

I think she needs to bond with her son. Tell her to come back and spend a couple of days with him alone. You go away with a friend and see how she feels when you get back. Take the dog with you.

JeuxDEnfants · 26/09/2012 20:08

I think it sounds like she hasn't bonded with him like she thought she might and it's making her run scared. How hold is he? You need to address this now and hopefully you will then find it easier to resolve the other problems in your relationship. Is she planning in being a permanent fixture in his life or if she left you, would she leave him too? What's the commitment towards him from her side?

JeuxDEnfants · 26/09/2012 20:10

Sorry 7 months... Still time to resolve this. The judging comment is very peculiar... Can you seek out conselling for her relationship with him before you address your own relationship. Sounds to me like she is avoiding him.

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