my wife doesnt love me anymore - HELP!!

[janeyorkshire]

I have been with my partner (we are a lesbian couple) for 9 years - the last 2 years of which we've been married. We have a beautiful son who was born this February (I carried him). Since our baby was born, my wife has had to work away from home an awful lot more than she used to (she works from home and used to have to go down to the office 250 miles away once or teice a month for 1 or 2 days) and is now away more than 50% of the time --leaving me feeling like a single mum. We'[ve had countless arguments since the baby was born about her working patterns, about the fact that she's suddenly become pally with a load of people (straight and attached) from her work and now has this sort of 'second life' down south. I have asked her umpteen times if she loves me any more and she's always replied 'of course I do'.
Until now.
Two weeks ago, she came in from work and announced that she doesn't love me 'in that way' any more. My first reaction was to start talking about divorce, but after some very grown-up and level-headed discussion, she said she'd like to try and make it work. She had no answers for me as to why, she swears blind there's nobody else. BUT she has been feeling like things haven't been right for ALMOST A YEAR (I was pregnant with our son!) and about 3 months ago it dawned on her that she doesn't feel the same about me any more. I didn't even occur to her to talk to me about it at the time when she started getting niggles - she just hoped things would get better (quite how, i'm not sure, as I've seen no evidence of her making any extra effort to get things back on track).
Anyway, we have a meeting with a counsellor next week, and I won't see her until then (she's been down south ever since her revelation - trying to get her head sorted about what she wants).
What should I do? I feel numb and I don't know what I should think. I feel like I've lost my identity and life has gone into freefall. Advice???

I know you've been with her 9 years, and believe me I know what it feels like to get that particular talk... been there, done that, cried the tears.... BUT although you probably won't see the logic right now the only way to salvage this is to let her go. The more you talk and reason with her, the harder work you seem, and the more attractive freedom appears. The second you let go, she'll have a horrible reality check. It is so easy for her to think she doesn't want you - you are there regardless. Remove the options, and the truth will out. If deep down she wants out, it will be done and dusted. If she is just having a wobble she'll come home and beg to stay. Either way you keep your dignity and you haven't wasted months of your life crying inside.

I let my H go. He came home which told me there was something to work on. If there hadn't been I'd have been relieved to have ended things without acrimony.

Assuming she has PR of your son because you are married, he will be a permanent fixture in her life wherever she is. She needs to think this through properly.

Maybe she feels left out or inadequate as a parent as possibly she sees the bond you have with him and doesn't feel like she can get that with him too. There's something there which is concerning her and you need to figure out what it is or she may become increasingly resentful of your relationship with him.

she has, or wants, someone else, sorry

OP I am so sorry, this is hard for you. Does she have parental responsibility (in law) for your son.

My DH worked away until just before I had DS1, I know he was having a great time going out and I think it would have been really hard if that had continued after the birth. Could she work more locally for a while, or could you move down for a bit whilst you are on mat leave (is she in a flat or hotel down south?)

I get what you say about her needing to bond with our son. She is his legal parent and I wonder if I've maybe been guilty of pushing her back from him (you know - when she's doing the nappy wrong etc)? I don't think that's happened too often.
And I get what you're saying about walking away with dignity. But right now I feel trapped in static waiting for this meeting. I'm not going to tap-tap-tap at her - if she can't communicate the problem to me after having 3 weeks alone to think about it (never mind 3 months!!) then I think I owe it to myself and to our son to call it a day. That's very scary. I feel like a 13 year old when I think about that happening. I don't know who I am with her anymore - even though she's not here a lot of the time.

Don't call it a day yet. For your sons sake see if you can help them bond first. Having a child is very stressful and many new mums sometimes make their partners feel like they aren't doing things right. Please speak to her seriously about your son and see of you can salvage that relationship before you think about leaving.