Got myself into some serious debt

[danablue]

for not the first or second time and terrifyed of telling DH. Overdraft on my personal bank account is at max too. He can clear the debts but in his mind it will be something along the lines of why should he and not again. Help, any suggestions please? I know I have a shopping problem, also have 2 DC so I dont spend all on me IYSWIM

What sort of shopping is it that you do?

Do you earn your own money? What are the financial arrangements that you have with your dh - joint account for bills, separate for spends?

No I do not work outside the home. I have X amount per month to take care of me and children excluding bills. The debts have accumulated since last dec and now serious enough that I can't deal with them.

I need to talk to him tonight and feel sick at the thought. He is a wealthy man but will still be furious (rightly so).

If he can clear the debts it says to me something isn't equal with your money. You should both have equal spending money. If you are doing this and still overspending then consider dh keeping your cards and just giving you a cash allowance each week until you can manage your money better. This will only be sensible if he is not controlling or abusive financially though.

Well you had better tell him before you bugger your (and his) credit rating.

Then you need to sit down with him and look at whether the money you have each month is sufficient to cover the things you need plus a few treats. If it isn't then you need more from the family pot to cover it.
Sounds like maybe you know you are spending too much - what do you call a shopping problem?

Why don't you have a joint account? Is he worried you will spend everything?

When it comes to family money there's no alternative to being honest. If you have a shopping problem then you need to seek professional help, not keep spending and hoping DH doesn't notice. Having been married to a spendthrift once, I know how annoying and upsetting it can be. OTOH If your family finances are set up badly/unequally and you end up overdrawn because you don't have access to enough money for essentials, that's a different conversation. If you have a spending compulsion problem and need him to clear your debts, it might make sense to let DS manage all the family finances for a while until you find some solutions.

Why is he wealthy and you seem to be struggling ?

It doesnt matter that you are not spending it on yourself. You are spending money that you dont have, and someone else is bailing you out. And you keep on doing it.

My suggestion would be to cut up the cards, and get an ebay account. Sell some of the stuff you have bought. Get a paypal account card, so that you can only spend the money you have made.

I think it would be helpful to have a ball-park figure of how much you have to manage on, to know whether it is realistic...

Why are you and your children's needs lumped in together - and how much does he have for himself? If he's rolling in it and you're stretched, it says there's some deep unfairness in the way the family money is being handled.

But it really depends - if you're buying luxuries and spending frivolously, that's one thing - if he keeps you short and resents necessary spending you do, that's another.

I would like to emphasise the family in family money, btw. If you're in a family, one person is not wealthy while the rest of you scrape round and get into debt.

OK. You need to tell your husband. You need to hand over any credit cards or store cards that you have.

You understand that you husband will be furious, so that is good, you are facing up to what you have done.

I have experience of family debt, my BIL ran up £40K on credit cards. MIL remortgaged her home to bail him out. Within 3 years, he ran up another £40K and went bankrupt. He still has to pay his mothers mortgage though.... so he should have gone bankrupt the first time...

You need to look at whether your husband is giving you enough money to get by on as well. Or maybe you could get a part time job to earn some money that is your own to spend on yourself. There is a very good budget planner on the Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert website, I will put a link in a minute.

It helps you to work out exactly what it costs to live a month and you could complete it and discuss it with your husband.

Good luck

He considers my budget to be generous which to other people it is, even more than some people have to live on. He has said in the past that no matter what I have I will always spend more> He is right, I don't think, I just buy. I have my own credit card and our ratings have always been and always will be fine. I am guilty as charged and although this is not a valid reason, I know that I shop to fill a void caused by an empty marriage. I am weak, still love DH, don't want to break up ou family (20yrs plus married). DH although not intimate with me appears content but is a very busy busineness man. Not home much. Doesn't understand (or want to) women

Yes it would be helpful to know how much you have per month, and how much you've overspent.

I also wonder whether the money you have for yourself and the children allows you to have the same lifestyle and quality of clothes, hobbies etc that he has.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/Budget-planning

use this to work out how much it costs you a month to live. It includes the things that you might not think to include like pets, haircuts, holidays etc, and converts annual costs to monthly ones, so that you can work out how much a month it costs to live

If you have a void in your marriage, then you need to fill it in another way. Work part time, or even do voluntary work in a museum, charity shop or something in order to fill your time.

Talk to your husband and get him to make some time for you too.

Maybe you should get some counselling too, to help you work out why you spend and to stop you spending.

He doesn't really spend anything on himself. Too busy working and reinvesting in his company. Don't know his income or his company worth. All I do know is it keeps growing which of course is good news.

Oh dear. Well you've diagnosed yourself pretty accurately - spending as a substitute for affection - and the treatment would appear to be to get rid of the source of the depression i.e him. While you are financially dependent on someone that doesn't seem to like you very much but is happy to give you a substantial allowance in place of affection, then you are never going to exit this vicious cycle. I think it falls short of abuse.... just a very golden cage. How old are your DCs?

If you have a void in your marriage then you can either leave, or find other things to fill your time if you are determined to stay.

And perhaps some counselling? Do you see spending as a way of punishing him for being distant in your marriage because it is the thing he focuses on the most?

Cogito you have summed it up, although the reason I stay is certainly not for financial security. If we divorced I would probably have more ££££ (he told me that a few years ago).

Alibaba, no I do not overspend to punish him. It is quite literally a 'quick fix' even though I know it is not the right thing to do.

I am NOT making excuses, if DH was a poor man I know I would control myself. When we married we had zero and I had zero debts too. These last few years have been so lonely for me. DH has got busier and busier, travelling a lot too. The dc are older and certainly don't need me like they used to. I am way past 50 and having a problem coping with that. DD will leave home next year. I feel so sad for what has been. I am weak and insecure. I feel so unloved, no DH relationship whatsoever and feel alone. I know this comes across as pathethic and self indulgent but I am sad and I have no-one to turn to. Forgive me, I know there are real tradgedies out there.

The reasons you stay are 'love' and not breaking up the family. The former is rather redundant if you are with someone who does not reciprocate. Waste of emotion that simply crushes the self-esteem you have left. The latter, unfortunately, is ambiguous because a broken family can mean many things. It can be broken because one member is always absent or because there is a divorce, but it can also be broken when everyone is staying together for the wrong reasons.

Your DCs have no other template for a healthy adult relationship than the one you and your DH model for them. If they see a miserable mother, spending compulsively to compensate for lack of love, 'terrified' to confess that it's got out of hand again, and an absent father preoccupied with his business and treating his wife as a cost centre.... what is that telling them?

Have you considered seeing your GP OP? You sound very depressed about a lot of things and clinging to the memory of the early days of your marriage and when your DC were small like a survivor on a life-raft....

Cogito - words of wisdom. I take on board everything you say. At this point in time I do not have the courage to do anything about it. My self esteem is at rock bottom. I will be starting some charity work fairly soon, maybe helping others will also start to help myself.

It might be a good idea to talk to one of the debt management services like CCCS and see if you can work out a repayment plan that you can manage, rather than having to put yourself in the position of 'naughty child' with your H again. And then look into some counselling for yourself to address both the spending problem and why you feel unable to either fix your relationship with your H or leave him. Because the fact that he's treating you rather like a disobedient dog - ignoring you until you do something 'bad' - is not healthy, and his behaviour is at least a contributing cause WRT your shopping.