Got myself into some serious debt

[danablue]

for not the first or second time and terrifyed of telling DH. Overdraft on my personal bank account is at max too. He can clear the debts but in his mind it will be something along the lines of why should he and not again. Help, any suggestions please? I know I have a shopping problem, also have 2 DC so I dont spend all on me IYSWIM

I agree with Cogito. Please go and see your doctor. They could maybe prescribe something or refer you for counselling. It does sound like you need help to deal with your life now rather than how it was.

I really do think that you need to tell your husband how you feel about everything. Dont use it as an excuse for the debt, but tell him how unhappy you are.

Do you ever do anything together? Go for walks, swimming, meals, theatre?

I really feel for you danablue. This is not about £, it's about you.

Talk to your husband, he will be able to fix this situation then if you are so lonely, talk to him about making time in his busy schedule for you. If you both still love each other, this is not impossible.

Also, as you are lucky enough to be in a position where you haven't had to work, have a think about social issues that are affecting your local or surrounding area. Is there a charity that holds a particular interest to you? Could you volunteer your time? You'd be surprised at how this would feed your soul.

I should point out that DH is not a mean man, he can be very generous a lot of the time. My spending, as I said before is most likely because I am filling an unfulfilled emotional void. I often go out just to cheer myself up, albeit a false and temporary feeling.

Do you have the courage to talk to your GP at least? Charity work sounds like a great idea but sometimes it helps - as you've done here - to talk to someone in confidence. The difference between contributors to this board and a GP is that the latter can at least offer practical help rather than simply moral support.

skyeblue, I have told him frequently I am unhappy> I think he feels that as a personal attack and says things like nothing I ever do is good enough, you are and always will be unhappy. He never tells me what is in his heart whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve. For instance, just the other day I asked him about the state of our relationship and will it change. He said no because this is the way it is!!!!!!! I spend most of every day churning my marriage over in my head and hoping he will treat me (emotionally and physically) as I imagine a husband would. SAAAAAAADDDDDD I know.

Solidbrass, yes I do feel like the naughty child.

Have a look at the charities in your area, the charity shops in the high street, anything that would get you out of the house and meeting people and doing something worthwhile with your time.

Cogito, I was on anti depressants for a number of yearrs. I had a prem baby first time round and postnatel depression again with second child. I have no family so did it all alone (am sure oters do too) but this was the start of the slippery slope so to speak.

You have a sence of loss and need to grive

Loss of your children and your dh, loss of your youth

When things get on top of me i cant face them for example if i dont iron for a week the pile grows higher and i seems to difficult to tackle

This i fear is the same for you with your spending as the overdraft fets bigger the more worried you are the more you spend

I would start small, changelle yourself put £5 in your purse and go to the charity shop and see what you can buy with it

I think you have to make a life for yourself that fills the gaps left by your distant DH, your home-leaving children and so on that doesn't involve spending money. I'm not suggesting leaving your DH (I don't think you'd go with that anyway) but I think you urgently need to find a sense of purpose, fulfilment and - on a very visceral level - love. You don't feel needed or valued at the moment. The charity shop might be a stepping stone to bigger things. I hope it is. But I would also suggest you look way beyond your local environment and consider things like solo travel, further education, and other activities where you may have to be away from home for extended periods.

Is there any chance that you could go on some of his trips with him?

Yes, further education is a great idea. If I had the time, I would love to do courses on photography, cooking, foreign languages, sign language, all sorts of things

You learn something and also make new friends too hopefully

You need to go and get some counselling to find out why you spend and how to stop it.
It is attention seeking and self defeating.

I had a terrible period of over spending when I constantly bought things for my DD. it was to do with grief and fear and the moment I figured out what was going on it stopped.

I think that as we age, as our children's lives start moving past their need for us we can xperience a sense of grief that is hard to resolve. At that point we need fulfilling lives, a sense of purpose and moments of joy. It sounds as though your moments of joy are mostly spending and whilst stopping spending is easy enough deciding to stop the one thing that gives you a moment of joy is harder.

Tell your dh and book some counselling. And find something else that makes you happy.

This is not about £ IMO, he is treating you like a child ('however much he gives me I will always spend more') and you are rebelling? Maybe counselling for you would help. My suggestion is only one possible suggestion, there are loads of possible reasons but it's not a good pattern.

And the other suggestions about filling your life so you don't need to spend are good ideas.

I don't get how one person is wealthy in a relationship but the other not - it should be shared money IMO.

It doesnt sound like you have anything which I would describe as a good relationship/marriage.

This is so not about money/debt.

You are deeply unhappy and will be until you leave.