The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

All is well indie as the entire family is out all night at various places and I have the house all to myself, apart from Ollie the rescue cat.
I am so suited to the single life.

Yay! go with the chocolate/toffee sundaes/sweet treats. I ate an enormous amount of chocolate for almost the full first year, but have managed now to cut down to one kiddie sized bar a day
One challenge at a time is sufficient I think, my latest, starting today, is to stop biting my nails - it is a truly disgusting habit, but I think this is my moment to break it, hell if I can stop drinking, surely I can do this as well...

isinde thanks that really cheered me up! DH is ranting on about the cost of the plane tickets, and for the first time in age I did consider running away/buying some wine - but didn't. (I'd have had to get my car out, and ask him to move his car first, cue more ranting)

I love the 'no-one was ever arrested for being in charge of a toffee mousse'

oh and ma well done on the hot chocolate! (mmm, chocolate... that reminds me...)

Yay for all of you and the great support on here!

Going to bed with a peppermint tea..sober. Bring on day 3.

Goodnight

off to work today and feeling dread after massive binge at the weekend, called in sick on monday, don't work tuesday, hadd annual leave day wednesday so feel my hangover has lingered on for days and days! Don't want to go but know I'll feel better once it's done and actually another day stuck at home with sleeping husband (nightshift) sleeping, stroppy teenager and crazy toddler and I may actually go insane! Well done everyone for fighting there urges yesterday. Liked what you were saying indie about wine urges actually go away after a while, need to remember that. Start counselling in the morning, quite ready for it. Hope everyone has a good day :)

Morning all, big well done isinde. I am not drinking today! I am stopping taking the stimulent medication I am on also as it is making me feel awful, hopefully I'll be able to boing onto the bus tomorrow as a consequence. Have a good day all xx

oh isinde i had the same! i really didn't think i was going to make it! 'wrestle' is the right word eh? fuck me. excuse my language! but god it was an awfully strong urge out of nowhere. i needed tobacco and coffee for the morning but dare not let myself go to the shop - couldn't trust myself. i drank loads of water to fill my belly, wrestled with my head and made myself get undressed and in bed with a cup of herbal tea in an attempt to 'close' the day itms. i guess it was about 30 minutes in reality and then it was gone. phew!!

big phew because i know and i knew i might as well kiss this job and the whole new life starting stuff goodbye if i drink - it'll only be a matter of time.

as to the what's an alkie what's normal thing: there's something i hear that always makes a lot of sense and that is about the jumping off place and how it is when you cannot imagine your life if you carry on drinking and you cannot imagine your life without alcohol either and then you are really fucked! it's that alcohol doesn't work anymore really - the things you used it for, it's magical effects just aren't there anymore OR you cannot predict if you'll get those or open the gates of hell instead when you drink. at the same time you cannot imagine coping without it and what the hell are you going to do? that's the surrender point really - of facing i just do not have any control over this - i am actually fucked! and as hideous as it sounds that's a fantastic place to get to because then you're ready to get help and change stuff.

lelli - glad you're giving aa a try - if you have any questions (even if they seem really silly) about what a meeting is like, what to expect, etc then feel free to ask - you can pm me if you want to. i did call aa and talk to someone on the phone but i didn't want anyone to come round and talk to me and i didn't have someone meet me there or anything i just showed up to a meeting because i knew i needed to go that night or maybe i'd never go. everyone there has been you - the person coming wondering what bunch of nutters they're about to meet, terrified, not sure they've got a problem, not sure they should be there etc etc. people will say hello, is it your first meeting etc and tell you where the tea is and welcome you. then you can just sit and listen to the meeting and it is entirely up to you if you want to speak when people are sharing back. don't worry about losing it, crying, needing to walk out etc - it's all ok - you honestly won't find a more accepting group of people in terms of emotions and struggle and all sorts.

right epic post sorry!

It's been a while lovely people and I haven't read back far but I hope you're all in good spirits. I have read Saf's and Isinde's last posts several times because they resonate so much with me. I've been on and off antabuse now 3 times. I stopped a week ago because I thought I didn't need it anymore (I'm great on it with no desire to drink and no cravings) but was drinking again within 4 days. Wasn't intending to drink yesterday but downed a bottle and a half and DD knew I'd been drinking. I even took the dog out for a walk with a water bottle full of wine and can't remember where I went.

I feel like shit today but reading what the above ladies say about cravings and especially this there's something I hear that always makes a lot of sense and that is about the jumping off place and how it is when you cannot imagine your life if you carry on drinking and you cannot imagine your life without alcohol either and then you are really fucked. Saf when will I get it that I have absolutely no control whatsoever over my drinking? Why do I keep trying the same thing hoping for a different outcome? So it's back on the antabuse I go (DD has made me promise that I'll take it in front of her every day :( ) and I'll hope for a miracle that will change my behaviour so I don't drink when I come off it. At the moment I really feel that it will take a miracle to make me stop because I've tried and failed so many times. If I can ride out the cravings that will be half the battle but at the moment I'm powerless over them.

Ma you sound so contented, I know the single life is for me too and with a companion animal (or two) in tow it makes it even more enjoyable. Good luck with your nails Bproud and it's great to see Miflaw back - am thinking I should try AA again as nothing else seems to have worked....

Checking in again, rushing around again, day 5 and I will not be drinking. Plus 2nd run of the week just done !

good to see you soba the water bottle full of booze on a dog walk sounds familiar! i agree you need to get back to aa. maybe you weren't ready to hear it before. the antabuse is stopping you from drinking (when you take it) but it's not treating/dealing with your alcoholism - it seems like it puts the brakes on of the problem but doesn't aid recovery. antabuse plus aa imo is the way forward now x

And it was DD's water bottle too... You're right about antabuse just being a sticking plaster Saf, it's done nothing to deal with my alcoholism so I need to go back to AA. It's a relief to be able it MY ALCOHOLISM. There, no denying it anymore. And alcoholics can't drink can they? Thanks for the PM Joey and well done on your 5 weeks.

Meant "it's a relief to be able to say it"

good morning Bus.

Had a shit evening, very stressed and decided to go to bed early. Because I was wound up I decided to take a double dose of mirtazapine and a sleeping tablet. In bed by 11pm. Didn't get to sleep till 3am. (why???? too much mirtazapine? or too much stress? at least I know alcohol wasn't the cause)

Am trying to think how drinking might have changed the outcome (playing the film to the end) I probably would have put off booking the flights (and then found they'd hiked the price up again today!)

Either that or I'd have accidentally on purpose booked a one-way ticket to the Maldives.

AJ you just can't fuck about with meds like that. you will now have a spike of serotonin - yes mirt tends to be sleepy making but essentially it's an AD and doubling your dose means throwing your brain totally out of whack. not surprised you didn't sleep and wouldn't be surprised if you were totally wired and clenching your jaw.

Saf's right Joey take care with the meds, Have you tried meditating with something suitable on your iPod? Really works for me, one of my favourites is listening to an hour of rainfall and gently rumbling thunder and allowing myself to get deeper and deeper into a sort of blissful trance and I usually fall asleep after that. Just thinking about it makes me feel relaxed.

Have just found this amazing ebook from a psychotherapist called Claude Steiner (he calls himself an "alcohologist") which I'm going to read in full tonight claudesteiner.com/healing.htm. One of the very helpful things he says is that it's a number of things that makes it so difficult for the alcoholic to stop/control their drinking - yes, it is genetics but living in a culture that glorifies alcohol makes it very difficult for an addict to simply stop through will-power alone.

I thought the mirtaz would help sleep not give me a buzz, but I was wrong. I suppose I have been used to twiddling my seroxat without any side-effects for many years, and assumed wrongly that I could do the same with mirtaz. Don't understand how it has helped me sleep better, but then too much caused insomnia...

I couldn't listen to my meditation tracks because I was in the spare-room (DH was snoring and I felt so ANGRY I had to go elsewhere) but I did recite my Desiderata and John Masefield!

soma good to see you back. I mean, not good that you have had a relapse and had to board the bus again, just nice to see you around. You're so right about the 'culture of drinking'

Alcohol is glorified in our culture - essentially it is a drug and it is rolled out and consumed at every social occasion, sporting event, mealtime etc etc - our public houses, the only remaining bastion of a community building in a lot of villages, are a place to consume alcohol. When you next go into your convenience store or supermarket look at the rows upon rows of alcohol, manufactured and packaged in all manner of ways and think - hey this is a drug, it's so in my face, can you imagine any other drug being so mass produced and marketed in that way. Go to a restaurant, the wine glasses are already on the table etc etc. We drink alcohol, that's what we do us Brits, it's our national pastime!!

You're right greeneyed, but concentrate on you!

Lots of people live here and don't drink. Some because they can't, some for religious reasons, some don't like it or it disagrees with them. And you can be one of them.

Your right help yourself.

This is a bit left field (withdrawal from my stimulents probably!)but does anyone have a place in their mind where they'd like to be/escape to. For me I've held this image from being a teenager of being in a beautiful white bedroom, the sort of room in a big period house or stately home with high corniced ceiling. The bedding is all pristine and white expensive linen, it's daylight and it's streaming in through the full length partially open window, the long white curtains are billowing a little in the breeze, though the window it's a beautiful day and you can see the rolling landscape into the distance. I lay my head on the bed and just rest and sleep in total peace and serenity.

I'd love to get to this place for a few hours a week - appreciate I sound quite mad now!! :)

By the way in this image, I am sober, fresh as a daisy, all bathed and in soft cotten nightwear!

I can relate to that!
I mentioned upthread how we got new bedroom furniture when I was a few months sober, and how lovely it is to get into bed thinking I am sober and I have never been to bed in this bed drunk.

Can you do that for you? Make tyour bed up for tonight and find your favourite nightwear?

I like the idea that you have a new bed or linen, and think to yourself 'I've never been drunk in this bed!' I can't afford a new bed, but I think the same principle applies. Eg. meeting new people - they only know you as you are NOW not as you were last month or a year ago. saf when do you start your new job?

Agree with helpyourself - alcohol certainly is a drug and its legality is an issue for many of us. I often say that my pusher is on every street corner and pays the Government protection money.

But I have to admit that most people, most of the time - even in a boozy culture like Britain - use this drug sensibly and appropriately. And, for that matter, the same is true of illegal drugs like marijuana, ecstasy and even cocaine.

My problem is, knowing that I can't use alcohol like that, how do I deal with the status quo without drinking?

The rest is none of my business.