The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

MIFLAW - your kids are very similar ages to mine when we separated. It will be hard for them but they will cope. And because you will both be happier (eventually) it will be better for them too. My kids love having two houses, two lots of toys, two birthday celebrations (at least!). They have two separate holidays in the summer. They certainly get the best of me because I am 100% focused on them when they are with me. More so than I ever was when I was with their father as I was so unhappy, depressed (and drinking). And they get far more from their father too as he was hardly ever there.

The things that are hard are the loneliness when they are not with me; phoning to talk to them and hearing them crying and asking how long until they come back to me; having to sit back and have no say in the way he parents the children even when it is so far from the way I would wish for it to be done. But for the most part I know that they are happy when they are with their dad; and even though he and I don't agree on anything much (including parenting) I have had to let go of it all and just let him get on with doing it his way. Even when it meant Dd was coming back after a weekend with a bottom covered in thrush because he hadnt changed her frequently or spotted the infection. Even when he feeds them sweets and ice cream and chocolate every time he picks them up from school - and DD now has tooth decay

I am now over 2 years in and I still hate being apart from them 6 nights a fortnight. But - oh the joy when they are with me.

at 'if life was fair i'd be dead' - i would be, about a zillion times over.

good to see you miflaw - sorry to hear about your marriage but glad that it is going amicably and it 'feels' like you're doing well as can be expected from how openly you're talking about it. life never stops does it?

i'm driving home into my head the odaat business. i think those first 5 months were so easy and right feeling that i didn't really have to understand and grab onto the odaat aspect of it. hence when it wasn't easy and right feeling i had bugger all to hang onto. so that's what i have to learn: one day at a time, decide every day i'm not going to drink and make that the number one priority. i am also massively relying on the just for today card again and trying to do things off of it.

i can also relate to lrd's 'maybe i can be cleverer than alcoholism'

sorry you're feeling so ill nono - maybe give it till friday morning and if you're still not right call the docs before the weekend. there is a great spray i bought in madrid when i had something nasty out of the blue and completely lost my voice - it was antiseptic and anaesthetising (can't spell) so it really soothed and helped get through. they must sell something similar here? that and the nasal spray someone recommended and some general cold and flu should prop you up a bit can definitely vouch for booze not making it better.

right - off to crack off with ironing - one of my 'do something you don't want to do just for exercise' tasks. self discipline is not a strong point of mine.

oh and yes! i am on ad's so can't take st john's but thanks for thinking of me. i had cut my ads down to virtually nothing in my months of sobriety but when this bloody autumn it's all gone dark and heavy switch went off in me i put them up a bit again so fingers crossed an improvement might be on the way. had hoped to get off of them totally but i'm still at a lower dose than i was and it's not a race i guess.

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Koti - thank you for asking after me, been a busy couple of days here. Dispensary fucked up my pain meds BIG TIME so I've been to talk to my GP and told him that I have to manage my pain because I can not have an op and be out of action for 6 months currently.

He said that the dispensary are NOT permitted to make the decision that they did and will take it up with them.

I am now on 210mg of slow release morphine morning and night, with Oramorph and Diazepam in between.

He's going to review me in 2 weeks. Had a bit of a 'down in the dumps' moment earlier, I just hate my body not working as it should anymore. I feel very sorry for myself right now so please ignore any drama queen posts I make about myself.

MIF - sorry to hear about your relationship breaking down. And yes, you're right, if life was fair, I'd be dead like too, rather like Saf said - many, many , many times over.

I guess people do still fall out of love with each other, most of the stuff you read on here is all about affairs and abuse........ so an amicable split makes a pleasant change in this day and age IYKWIM? I have to say that I'm one from the camp of 'not staying together for the sake of the children' especially if there was any kind of abuse (verbal or otherwise) which the DC could be party too.

WELL DONE Obrigada

Saf - sounds like you know what you don't want from drinking - all of the physical and mental illness that go hand in hand. Keep posting and keep it in the real world, sorry the grey and dark days are getting to you. x

Hello
May I join you?
I have been watching you all a while and think I'm just about ready to join you!
My name is Obscure and I'm an alcoholic, started as a mild good time girl now a full on alcoholic with self destructive habit and now I'm I'm a fully paid up member of the alkie brigade (sorry for the name, just still angry).Sorry to be all about me, but is anybody else so angry about this state they find themselves in?

My Grandmother was an alcoholic as was my father, why me? I so want better for my children. X

In fact as this anonymous, I dont know, just put it out there that I now recognise that I've been abused in the past, the JS thread really bought that home and I feel that alcohol is my way of covering it up, anyone else feel that way?

I think that for a lot of drinkers - and not just alkies - drink is a way of covering up. What they cover up with it varies massively, both in terms of what it is and how serious it is.

With me, though, the drink went from being a cover up to a necessity, even when what I was covering up wasn't so bad (because these things ebb and flow, don't they?) and that made the drink itself a problem - maybe that's the difference between alcoholics and heavy drinkers.

Two more AA sayings I have found to be true:

1. "The good news about stopping drinking is you get your feelings back. The bad news about stopping drinking is you get your feelings back."

2. "If you want to know why you drank - stop drinking!"

Thanks MIFLAW Think you've just summed it up Have horrific thoughts, drink, thoughts so much worse.

I'm terrified of stopping drink, did it when pregnant x2 with no problems weirdly. But I lay there at night now thinking of what happened to me and I can't let it go so I drink. It doesn't make it better and I can't tell anybody so it eats away at me and I drink more.

My husband just thinks I'm an alcoholic no more too it, but I just can't bring myself to tell him why.

In fact husband thinks I can be cured! I cant. Want to die most of the time just not
brave enough!

Welcome to the bus Obscure, hope we can help you. So sorry that this awful thing happened to you and you feel you have no-one to talk to. The drinking, as you realise, isn't helping. Now, instead of having one massive burden to carry, you have two.

Why don't you try to put that burden down, one little bit at a time? How about starting by not drinking for one day. Just one day, to see how you go. We can help you with that x

sorry to hear what happened to you TO would it be worth starting a thread on it? there are a lot of people on mn with experience of abuse and dealing with it and it would be good to get their support and advice. not saying don't talk about it here! does sound like getting help to deal with that is really important. would you consider seeing a counsellor? maybe someone uninvolved would be best till you feel ready (if you do) to tell dh or friends. also seeing your gp may help - essentially you're self medicating with booze and there may be other options for dealing with the intrusive thoughts and feelings.

sat here trying to talk myself into getting ready and trekking into town for a meeting. would be very easy to just stay here on the sofa and enjoy a child free evening. know i should go though so i guess it will have to be another thing i don't want to do but do anyway.

i'm guessing i'm not the only alkie who has serious issues with self discipline? seems i hate being told what to do even by myself

Thanks fairenuff you make sense. just in the middle of a binge and can't see wood for trees. I can give up and have done twice in 2 years without any probes so am lucky it hasn't got to physiological stage just yet. I love my DH but he's old school and I can't explain what happened to me without him wondering what I did to provoke it. Sounds awful but I've always sold myself as invincible, my dH and everybody around me think Im just a cold fish tough nut. Can't take much more, feel like a pressure cooker. Worst ting is so many people have it so much worse and I feel guilty .

Thanks everybody, have thought about telling DH don't think he would cope. I need to keep it to myself would be real inconvenience to anyone else as I've hidden it so long! Just want to be sober md ' normal' .

Hello theobscure, nice to 'meet' you. My DH initially had a lot of difficulty understanding I can't be cured, so I sympathize.

Don't tell yourself other people have it worse - you have it bad enough! You deserve some kindness, just like everyone else - and by being an alcoholic, you're not being kind to your body.

I think in a funny way, alcoholics are a mixed of very selfish and arrogant ('of course I can have a drink! Of course I can have another!') and actually very insecure about being nice to themselves. You sound as if you're at the 'not being nice to yourself' stage, feeling as if you can't let down your invincible act and give yourself some time to sort this out.

I witter on a lot, sorry!

mouse - that is rubbish about the meds. Good that your GP is taking some action, not just writing it off, but still, I'd be pretty furious!

Cross posted with you theobscure ... you may not want to tell your DH right this instant - but you are allowed to inconvenience other people! I mean, if it's an inconvenience to them, it's obviously a heck of a lot more of that to you yourself!

thanks, Ive just never felt I'm worth inconveniencing anyone. My DH is actually fab, he just doesn't know it all, neither would he want to! Just want to be normal ....

You are, though. Everyone's worth that.

Obscure I can't explain what happened to me without him wondering what I did to provoke it

You did nothing. I am sure of it. So many people keep quiet for the very same reason as this. They question themselves, every action, every inaction and blame themselves. This is just one of the reasons why so much abuse goes unreported and unspoken

x

Thank you everybody. Unfortunately I DO deserve it, I am a very provocative person it seems. Men have always sought me out ( no more thankful
Ly)! Just want to get on with life, can't believe I've now got to deal with alcoholism. I love my children and don't want them to suffer my fate, oh God, they are going to be as messed up as me, the perpetual cycle for goodnesssakes!

Or you can make a different choice. You can teach your children that they are in charge of the direction their lives takes. They can have the best life possible for them if they aim high, make some positive changes and seek out help and support when they need it.

You can teach them by showing them. One day at a time.

Obscure,you are very welcome here. If you are not up to riding in the bus there is always the sidecar which is where I end up more often than not.
I still drink,but one thing this bus has taught me is that I am a person of value,I am worth caring about,I am not a nothing. You will learn the same,

Hi Obscure
I was abused as a child as well, and also used drink to keep the feelings about that at bay, although I actually didn't realise that was why I was drinking until I stopped!
When I stopped drinking a lot of hard and horrible memories came back to me, but because I wasn't drunk or hungover I COULD face up to it and have dealt with it to a large extent.
It is never going to go away, but I have come to terms with it, and why should I let that bad person hurt me twice, once by abusing me and second by turning me into an alcoholic?
I have been sober for 2 years with the help of the brave babes thread, I have read some self help books and I have carried out some self cleansing rituals - I wrote down everything I could remember about the abuse, because I wanted to get the timeline straight in my head, I wrote a letter to myself, forgiving MYSELF, but not the abuser - I can't do that, and then I had a little fire in the garden and burnt all that I had written down. This has given me some closure.
I did all this alone, because I could never tell my DH what happened to me, and I don't want his or other people's opinion of me to change to that of a victim. I refuse to be a victim. But I am sure that AA and counselling would be really useful for you if you can face it.
Sorry! this turned into a bit of an essay, but what I wanted to say is that you can get over this and you can CHOOSE to not let this take over your life by choosing not to drink today and one day at a time.

obscure - you can make a choice to break the cycle. It is a hard choice. Your children don't have to grow up messed up. You can help ensure they have the tools to deal with their issues so that they are strong and grounded. And that, along with loving them, is all you can really do

Keep talking. It helps x

Found it harder not to pour myself a nice glass of red while making dinner this evening but poured myself a large glass of fizzy water and drank that instead. I kept telling myself today that I am respecting my body and myself , hope some of it is going in! Anyway don't feel like a drink now and I will have an early night again to get me through. Great to have the bus and each other to keep me going, thanks all.

You definitely don't deserve it theobscure.

Night night, witco.

I am sitting here drinking fizzy water too.