Long story short, I had an affair a few months ago. My hubby never knew because he was OS. It lasted a few months and I finished it because I felt way too guilty, and was worried about our family. It was stupid - I did it because I was lonely and stressed looking after our son myself and the guy made me feel special and attractive and sexy at I time I was very vulnerable. I don't make excuses for it. It was a mistake, but it was a mistake that I made with my own choices.
My hubby recently found out... one of his friends mentioned they'd seen me with the guy a couple of times, he asked me about it and I confessed.
He was naturally pretty shattered by it but he said he loves me unconditionally and all he really cares about is whether I actually still want to be in the relationship any more. He said he can put the hit to his ego to one side and forgive me easily enough, but he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect him enough to be honest and faithful. He says he deserves someone who wants to be with him 100%, and right now he's not convinced that's what I want. I have told him that it is, that the affair didn't mean anything in terms of me not loving him any more, but he naturally finds it hard to believe me.
I don't really know how to react. Even at the best of times he is a pretty private guy who doesn't express himself very openly and this has made him withdraw even more. He has reacted very calmly and sensibly to the whole thing - too calmly I feel. Everything he says and does is very coldblooded and rational. He hasn't yelled or cried or insulted me or abused me.
He doesn't even really blame me - or at least he won't acknowledge it. He said he understands that it's hard with him being away, doesn't want to talk about blame - he says what's done is done and it's just about what's moving forward with what's best for us individually and for our son. He did say that even if we get through this, if it happened again our marriage would be over with no questions asked.
Everyone says he is being wonderful about this, and he is. He is even talking about applying for a compassionate discharge - giving up his career - to travel less if that is what I need. But the more wonderful he is the worse I feel. He is a beautiful, amazing man - great husband, great father - and this just makes me feel even more like I don't deserve him. I can't handle the guilt and the lack of closeness. I had managed to put the affair behind me and sort of stop thinking about it but now it's out there I am constantly thinking about how I betrayed him and I feel like dirt. Maybe I should but it is making our marriage worse and worse. I would feel so much better if he yelled and blamed me, lost his temper, reacted how I would in his situation. Vocalized the way I feel about myself. But he just continues being the same wonderful guy he always has been. Just sadder and more distant.
What can I do? I love him and I love our son and I want to keep our family together but I don't know where to start in terms of bridging the gulf that I've put between us. And I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting someone I care about so much. I feel like that the more forgiving he is the guiltier I feel and the further apart we get.