Had an affair, hubby too forgiving

[USMCwife]

Long story short, I had an affair a few months ago. My hubby never knew because he was OS. It lasted a few months and I finished it because I felt way too guilty, and was worried about our family. It was stupid - I did it because I was lonely and stressed looking after our son myself and the guy made me feel special and attractive and sexy at I time I was very vulnerable. I don't make excuses for it. It was a mistake, but it was a mistake that I made with my own choices.

My hubby recently found out... one of his friends mentioned they'd seen me with the guy a couple of times, he asked me about it and I confessed.

He was naturally pretty shattered by it but he said he loves me unconditionally and all he really cares about is whether I actually still want to be in the relationship any more. He said he can put the hit to his ego to one side and forgive me easily enough, but he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect him enough to be honest and faithful. He says he deserves someone who wants to be with him 100%, and right now he's not convinced that's what I want. I have told him that it is, that the affair didn't mean anything in terms of me not loving him any more, but he naturally finds it hard to believe me.

I don't really know how to react. Even at the best of times he is a pretty private guy who doesn't express himself very openly and this has made him withdraw even more. He has reacted very calmly and sensibly to the whole thing - too calmly I feel. Everything he says and does is very coldblooded and rational. He hasn't yelled or cried or insulted me or abused me.

He doesn't even really blame me - or at least he won't acknowledge it. He said he understands that it's hard with him being away, doesn't want to talk about blame - he says what's done is done and it's just about what's moving forward with what's best for us individually and for our son. He did say that even if we get through this, if it happened again our marriage would be over with no questions asked.

Everyone says he is being wonderful about this, and he is. He is even talking about applying for a compassionate discharge - giving up his career - to travel less if that is what I need. But the more wonderful he is the worse I feel. He is a beautiful, amazing man - great husband, great father - and this just makes me feel even more like I don't deserve him. I can't handle the guilt and the lack of closeness. I had managed to put the affair behind me and sort of stop thinking about it but now it's out there I am constantly thinking about how I betrayed him and I feel like dirt. Maybe I should but it is making our marriage worse and worse. I would feel so much better if he yelled and blamed me, lost his temper, reacted how I would in his situation. Vocalized the way I feel about myself. But he just continues being the same wonderful guy he always has been. Just sadder and more distant.

What can I do? I love him and I love our son and I want to keep our family together but I don't know where to start in terms of bridging the gulf that I've put between us. And I don't know how to forgive myself for hurting someone I care about so much. I feel like that the more forgiving he is the guiltier I feel and the further apart we get.

Right you are, then

Forgiving yourself shouldn't be dependent on your husband. You might never forgive yourself even if your husband does. Alternatively you might forgive yourself but it doesn't mean he has to.

What's coming through in your posts is that your ego is a real problem.

If you think yourself to be am essentially honourable person, you wouldn't write yourself off just because you had an affair. Yet you say that because he's so"rigidly honourable" there's no way he would have had an affair.

There's a contradiction there.

Maybe he didn't have an affair, but I don't get the impression you resist that suggestion because of his qualities, but because of yours and because your ego just couldn't stand it.

For some people, it's not the qualities of their partner or even their love for them that would stop them having an affair. It's because they wouldn't let themselves down.

I also think it's your ego that's demanding his reaction and not care and love for him as an individual, to heal at his own pace. This is again all about you.

I hope he isn't thinking that this definitely wouldn't have happened if he'd been at home, like you seem to be suggesting. That could be a false trail, as it would be for you if you believe that about yourself. It might be that whether he was at home or not, the moment his attention was focused on something other than you, or you felt you needed an ego boost, you would have allowed this to happen.

You having an affair isn't because of anything he did or didn't do. The reasons are in you, not him. Which is why you need to stop referencing your next steps in relation to your husband and look at yourself and your own ways of dealing with the world.

Maybe your husband is watching and waiting to see whether you sort yourself out on your own, without reference to him. If so, he's very wise to realise that he can't and shouldn't influence that, because this never was about him. It was about you.

Reading is fundamental. I didn't say you were hating on me - merely that if you did because I cheated I wouldn't hold it against you
OP that doesn't make sense and sounds like back tracking. Why say 'hate on me if you want' just I case I do want to?

What is it you want from mn OP? Because you seem confused. You say you know its your fault, but then said I am not sure how much at fault he is for all this.
I think, honestly, you need to be more self aware. Good luck.

I apologize if I have come off a bit defensive but I don't really appreciate the amateur and derogatory psychoanalyzing about the causes of the affair when I deliberately left out pretty much all the details from the OP. In the absence of facts it comes across as mostly spiteful.

I was mainly looking to better understand the path forward from here, hopefully from people who have been down it themselves. That's all. Most posters have been pretty helpful with that, whether they despise or sympathise with me.

My faults and the root causes of the affair are obviously important but that is something I will get into with a counselor, not strangers on the internet.

so, as well as trying to control your husband's reaction to your infidelity, you are attempting to steer the replies you get on your thread

Good luck with that

But that's what we are doing, helping you see why he is perhaps acting the way he is.
I think this is your main problem. Your attitude seems to be 'its my fault but.....' or 'i don't mean to be defensive, but your not giving me the answers I want'.you don't like it when people do not do what you want.
I have only gone from your OP. You had an affair (reason given put a bit of drama into your life) dh finds out and is calm, your not happy.
If you don't want answers from 'strangers on the internet' then don't ask.
I assume you only wanted comments about his behaviour, but I believe he is acting this way in direct response to your behaviour. So how can it not be discussed.

He sounds like a pretty decent guy.

The bit that surprises me is that "everyone says how wonderful he is being".

Who is everyone? Who are these people you are telling? Is he cool with you discussing with "everyone"? It's this part that seems most deceitful.

OP that doesn't make sense and sounds like back tracking. Why say 'hate on me if you want' just I case I do want to?
I was saying I am happy for people to hate on me for cheating BUT I don't think it's accurate to call me a drama queen. It's the latter you were doing.

What is it you want from mn OP? Because you seem confused. You say you know its your fault, but then said I am not sure how much at fault he is for all this.
You are quoting me out of context. I was addressing a point previously raised. By saying "I am not sure" I was politely disagreeing with the person who suggested he might be partially at fault. As in "I am not sure I agree with your conclusion" - i.e. I disagree.

I think if you go back and read the OP - properly - you will see that I am under no illusions about where the fault lies or whose responsibility it is to fix things.

So you're going to go to a counsellor on your own? That would be a good move.

The other thing is that just as it's important for your husband to know you're staying with him for the right reasons, it's the same for you.

He might be playing a long game here and know that shared custody wouldn't be granted while he's in a job that takes him away from home so often. So he's getting himself into a position where if the marriage breaks up, he can provide a home and care for his kids. Again that could be very wise move on his part.

So although I think he's got every right to resolve this himself and at his own pace, I think you've got the right to know why he's staying for now. Sometimes men under-react because they've got a lot to lose and their wives are actually the least of that. Like a lot of women in the same position, they stay for the kids, the money and because they don't like giving up on something they really should.

I won't comment on the drama queen stuff, but reading your post and replies it did come across to me that you might still be looking at the situation mostly from your own wants / needs. You had the affair due to your own wants / needs and now you want a certain reaction from your husband as well. Isn't that still carrying on with putting all the focus on yourself and what you want, rather than truly considering what he wants?

You asked what to do and from the info you have given I would say try to sit back and accept the way your husband has chosen to process this initially. Try to stop looking at it from the perspective of what you want and how it makes you feel about yourself, and try to allow him the space to react the way he needs to, not the way YOU need him to.

You say in your OP, that you was lonely etc, did you tell your DH this reasons?

I don't buy that as an excuse. You knew what you was getting yourself into when you started a relationship with him, married him, then had a child with him. It couldn't of come as a shock.

But, I do think if you have given your DH these reasons, especially as he will already feel partly to blame without that added on top, then he is thinking he was completely to blame, as he left you etc whilst he went overseas, and that is why he is looking to himself to sort it out IE giving up his career. If he is to blame, he can't exactly blame you, can he? And rant and rave? And if you have told him these excuses, you haven't exactly took the full blame, have you?

You need to tell him he isn't to blame. You knew what it would be like, and still took those vows. He has done nothing wrong or out of character. It is you who has, and probably for selfish reasons to do with yourself but not your DH. You need to stop him blaming himself.

I assume you only wanted comments about his behaviour, but I believe he is acting this way in direct response to your behaviour. So how can it not be discussed.
Because it requires facts not in evidence.You are making a massive number of assumptions.

Who is everyone? Who are these people you are telling? Is he cool with you discussing with "everyone"? It's this part that seems most deceitful.
My parents, my sister/bestie. I am hardly spreading it around, and I have not done it behind his back.

You sound pretty messed up.

You chose to mess up your marriage, and now you're kicking up because your dh didn't provide the scenes you had imagined.

And when you receive perfectly reasonable responses to your posts, you kick off again.

I think you need the therapy, you're not ready for an internet forum.

Of course its based on assumptions and reading between the lines. We don't know your dh so how can we say 100% why he is acting that way.
On an internet forum you have to go with info given. Tbf you haven't given many facts (as in evdience)at all.
The facts are you had an affair for the excitement. You were not discreet, you dh found out and reacting 'too calm' and you are not happy because his reaction is not easing your guilt.
you have given more facts than you think.

Oh dear - OP you are probably getting more than you have bargained for here.....

I completely agree with Cogito's post, for what it's worth.

Good luck with sorting things out, sounds like it may be possible with some help (perhaps counselling)

So you're going to go to a counsellor on your own?
Yes.

Isn't that still carrying on with putting all the focus on yourself and what you want, rather than truly considering what he wants?
I can't control what he wants. I can only focus on doing what I can to save my marriage.

Obviously, what he wants will be the final word.

You say in your OP, that you was lonely etc, did you tell your DH this reasons?
I did, because he wanted to know the why, and that's part of the why. I did try and make it very clear to him that it doesn't constitute an excuse. All military wives are lonely. Few of them cheat. I take full responsibility for my own decisions.

Still, it is hard to separate reasons from excuses sometimes. He should not feel responsible but after reading your post I worry that he may.

The facts are you had an affair for the excitement. You were not discreet, you dh found out and reacting 'too calm' and you are not happy because his reaction is not easing your guilt.
None of those things are facts. the first two are assumptions, and incorrect ones at that.

My problem with his reaction is that I don't know how to respond to it in a manner that will give me the best chance of saving my marriage. Whether or not he got angry with me would not change the fact I accept 100% responsibility for the affair.

So you tell him that you don't know if being lonely was a real reason for your affair. Because you don't. You think that was a contributory factor, but you don't know that at all. Apart from the fact that you wouldn't have been able to get away with meeting someone so easily if your husband had been home, you don't know definitely that if that particular man had flattered you and offered an affair, you wouldn't have taken him up on it regardless of where your husband was. You just can't know that and you need to be very honest with yourself even to arrive at a 'most probable' conclusion.

You tell him that because you don't want to give yourself false excuses, you're getting some help to find out what it was about your character that led you to do this. You tell him that what he did or didn't do has got nothing to do with this and so he mustn't blame himself or even your living circumstances.

You suggest that he thinks long and hard about why he wants to stay with you, just as you will be thinking long and hard about your motives.

You tell him that you can't promise to be what he wants until you know why you had this affair, but that you'll do everything to sort yourself out because that's just as important to you as well.

None of those things are facts. the first two are assumptions, and incorrect ones at that.
No that's wrong its based on what your said in the OP

I don't have anything particularly helpful to say, but my DH cheated on me after 10 yrs together. I don't understand your husband's reaction. I did shout/cry etc at my DH when I found out and I also wanted to know all the details (some people don't). I would be a bit concerned that your DH has had an affair in the past because being calm when your spouse cheats on you is not exactly usual (?). You need to get to the bottom of this because without all the cards on the table, you will not be able to get over this. It's rather like putting all the shit out in front of you so you can clear it up. You can't clear up effectively if some of the shit is still hidden.

Re 'knowing' he has not cheated.

You will no doubt think I am picking apart your words or jumping to conclusions - but I am saying this honesty because it leapt out at me:

he is would never accept himself doing such a thing. He is the most rigidly honorable man I have ever met

It is often people like this who do cheat.

People who either know their true actions and urges and so do a very good job as presenting themselves as the exact opposite to the outside world.

Or people who are terribly vulnerable to an affair because they think they are so noble and honourable, so put themselves in dangerous positions thinking they can trust themselves, but find out they can't...

I think maybe you've got fundamentally different emotional personalities, and if that's the case I'm not sure this will work out.

I've had the sorts of comments you've made about your DH made about me when my relationship broke down because I handled it completely without drama or anger (even though I certainly felt anger and said I was angry). For me, dignity is important, as is the long-term consequences (particularly when children are involved), which is why I've never felt it is worth giving in to the temptation to shout and scream if it could potentially make things a lot worse. For me, controlling myself in the short-term control reaps huge dividends for long-term results and I can look back on that period in my life and honestly say I didn't behave badly and that nothing I did was damaging to our DC. That's important for how I feel about myself, and I am the person I have to spend the rest of my life with.

Some people, like your DH are like me. Others are more like you and need to express emotion much more clearly and immediately. Neither way is superior to the other, but they are fundamentally different ways of relating to people. I suspect you've had arguments in the past where you've accused him of being cold and unfeeling and he's accused you of being irrational or over-emotional. This is a pattern that could keep recurring unless you find somewhere in the middle to meet.

If both of you want to save this, it would probably help to go to Relate to work on your communication.

Quite right ProudnScary. The people who are least likely to cheat are people who know themselves and the world very well. They've seen colleagues they'd die for and who'd die for them, get themselves into bad situations despite being honourable heroes that anyone would be proud of. So they don't put themselves in THAT line of fire, because they know how easy it would be, but they don't make any judgements about what other people do.

Or....they thought they were completely immune to all that and found that wasn't the case after all. They keep it quiet but find it impossible to be hypocritical when a partner does the same to them. They don't fess up though because they feel foolish for being so moralistic in the past and they suspect their wives would have double standards and worse bruises to their much bigger egoes.

Sometimes what we believe our partner's views about something become unassailable facts, long after he's changed and has stopped expressing them. We don't notice necessarily if he's stopped proselytising about how cheating's bad and only the morally bankrupt would do it.....might be worth thinking back OP to when you last heard him expressing any diehard views like that.

He reacted in exactly the same way I did when I my H told me he was having an affair, and was in fact still involved with the woman, and wasn't sure 'who he'd choose'. I'd say that was a slightly worse situation than if he'd had an affair, it was over and he was sorry.

I didn't get angry, hysterical, or shout and scream at him. I wasn't angry, I was devastated. I didn't see how me acting like a banshee would help. This was not because I have ever played away myself btw, it was because from my perspective if he didn't want to be with me, the best possible outcome was for me to step back and for us both to have freedom to start out lives again and be happy. Perhaps your H is of a similar personality.

I went away and cried my heart out by myself, and I am sure your H is doing that inside. What you did was incredibly cruel, be prepared to accept that he may never get past that and your marriage may end.

It's bound to be lonely when you are on your own for months on end being a lone parent and no doubt could lead to depression.

And it's pointless, imo, people saying 'you knew what you signed up for' because until you've done it you don't.

What you should do OP is get your life sorted so that you don't fall into this lonely depressed situation when your DH is away. Having an affair is probably the last on a long list of what to do if you are lonely in your marriage and, if your DH is happy in his career, the least you can do is make it ok for him to continue in it without beating himself up that it is unfair on you.

What CAN you do when he is away?
Do some studying?
Start a book club/ stitch and bitch/ running group
Childmind some other children - so that you are either paid or that the parents reciprocate and you get time on your own?
Arrange trips to your family for a week at a time?
Help at school/nursery/ baby group?
Study towards a new career?
etc etc etc etc
If you appear happy with your life then your DH will not fear that it is only time until something else happens.
Many men don't show their emotions much and if you are in war zones I would think it was a prerequisite.
Sort out your own life so that you are happy and don''t depend on DH to do it for you.

I' missed the bit about why he is away so much. A marriage where one party's absent a lot of the time, isn't much of a marriage. Of course it can work, but it's not a bit unusual for absence to cause problems.

My ex husband was absent for large chunks of time during our marriage. It was fine while I worked full-time, before I put my career on hold for children, fine while the children were little, but actually not very fine once they were at school and I wanted to go back to work full time but had noone with whom to share the parental load. I felt he was using our marriage to further his career, at the expense of my career. I wanted a marriage where my wants and needs were taken into account.

How patronising to tell the OP to start a stitch and bitch group or childmind

I think the OP should be asking if this is a marriage that she wants. Is something going to change? Will he take a job at home?

Affairs are sordid and nasty and if you want to stay together, you need to talk, talk and talk some more, especially about the affair. You both need to be honest about what it is you want from your marriage.