Does my DP respect me? :( Long, sorry.

[RatherBeRaiding]

Hi all. My first time posting on mumsnet, so apologies if I do anything wrong

DP and I have been together almost a year. We have no children together but both have a DD each from our previous relationships. DP sees his DD once during the week after work (sometimes more) and goes round their house for tea, has some playtime with her and then puts her to bed. He also spends the entire saturday and sunday with her. He works monday - friday 9am - 5pm.

This arrangement is fantastic and I see DP on some evenings, but by that time my DD is asleep or just going to bed and I'd really like us to start doing stuff together as a family as he's hoping to move in with us after Christmas (he currently lives in a bedsit). As his DD's mum has just gone p/t to f/t work too, I suggested maybe spending an extra evening with his DD during the week and spending 3 or 4 hours with us on a weekend, so maybe on a sunday morning come round to ours and then we could go swimming, or to the park, have some lunch and then spend the rest of the time with his DD and DD's mum also gets some time with her at the weekend. This is all sounding confusing to me, so I'm sorry if I'm losing you!

He said that sounded great, it would start this saturday ... well he had an opticians appointment booked this morning, I thought we could make that our time together this weekend and then have lunch at ours as my DD also needed some new glasses. My DP has been having some awful headaches since he started his new job (he's behind a computer all day) and wants a sight test, so this appointment was important. It was booked for 11.20 this morning, we were going to get the bus up together and it got to 10am and was starting to worry he had slept in, so text him. I heard nothing back, I rung at 10.30 to try and wake him up, no answer. At 11.10 I rung a final time in the hopes that he would answer and already be at the appointment! He finally text me at 12pm to say sorry for messing up my morning, he'd been up 'til 5am with a terrible migraine and had only just woken up.

My problem is not that he didn't spend a few hours with us, it's that he didn't let me know :( He has migraines quite frequently (especially at the moment) and has always let his XP and DD know that he wasn't going to turn up. He's always let his work know - although, even with a migraine, he 90% of the time will turn up to work/see his DD. When it comes to me and my DD, we're just an afterthought - I'm left twiddling my thumbs, worrying that's something's wrong because he's supposed to be here and he's not. Then I get a short text some hours later, apologising - he doesn't even call, even though I've asked him if he wouldn't mind calling sometimes, as texts seem so impersonal at times .

I feel so sad that he can either drag himself out of bed to be with other people/work, or at least let them know beforehand! He's had to cancel on me several a few times and he literally never lets me know until the 11th hour. My birthday was a few months ago, I was quite excited as he was saying he'd made me some special things and I knew it would be really thoughtful. Fast forward to the day - he slept round my house the night before, I was excited in the morning just to get a card for a change! He eventually told me that he hadn't had the chance to get me a card yet, and he hadn't finished my presents. I was disappointed (the last few birthdays have been shit, and my DD was with her dad at the other end of the country so no chance to celebrate with her) but I said I understood - he'd had a rough few months and had just moved house! Well it's three months later and him or I occasionally bring it up, apparently he's drawing something for me but it's not finished ... I doubt it ever will be. It wasn't about the presents for me, just the thought and honestly now I think about it, it feels like I'm not worth that much to him

He offered to make me a spreadsheet as I've been struggling with my finances and I am really cack-handed when it comes to doing anything like that lol! I initially refused the first couple of times he mentioned it, as I didn't want him to have to spend time doing for it, but he said he really wanted to help me out so I said yes. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. A lot of the time when he's home from work he complains he's bored and has nothing to do which is even worse.

Does he have any respect for me, am I worth anything to him? I feel like I'm a second thought to him, like he doesn't bother finishing my birthday presents or making me a spreadsheet because I'm just not that important. He's fantastic in loads of other ways, and I really love him and he says he loves me - but this morning has just made me feel so upset. I have tears in my eyes whilst I'm writing this, because it makes me think that I must be really hard to love, I'm fat and ugly and can be a real cow sometimes Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know where to go from here.

dried your teats ? fuck

I mean tears

< puts wine away >

I hope you did as AF said. You deserve so much better than this, we all do.

How'd it go Rather? Hope you're ok?

Numberlock - Genuine question, how do I work on my self-esteem?

Hi, Rather, sorry I've taken so long to get round to answering your question but I was on an iPad over the weekend so couldn't type long messages.

I hope you will have time to come back on MN today, I'm back on a PC so will be happy to put forward some suggestions, as I'm sure other MNers will.

Take care.

Hi everyone

So sorry I didn't come back sooner. DD and I have had horrible D&V this week and I haven't felt up to posting on here.

We had a big talk - I basically told him everything I typed on here. There were lots of tears (from both of us) and he's promised to make some changes. I made it clear that I didn't want to live like this and he agreed. He said he felt ashamed to admit that he's struggling with his depression at the minute (he's had it very severely since he was very young, to the point where he's tried to take his own life) and although he's on a high dosage of sertraline, he's having a lot of bad days.

Things are still a litte strained at times, but he's working on being more open and honest with me and treating me the same way he treats other people. The only stickler I can feel is that I think it's part of his personality to keep things to himself - not big things, little ones! He came round last night, and he normally locks up when he leaves as I'm crashed out in bed Last night I remembered something downstairs as he was leaving, so I decided to see him out and asked him when he wanted to see me tomorrow. He said he might be 'busy' tomorrow but made a point that he was definitely free on friday. I asked him what he was doing tomorrow night and he mumbed something about one of his work colleagues mentioned something about they might be going out for drinks after work.

I felt a bit weird but said goodbye, and tbh I feel weird because he didn't mention this drinks things all evening, and wouldn't have mentioned it at all if I hadn't bumped into him! Then the automatic reaction is to say 'busy' rather just say 'I'm going out for drinks with colleagues' which I suppose I find a bit evasive? The only thing I can think of is that he's trying to protect me - I got upset once when he was invited out for drinks because I felt jealous, it's terrible I know :( I literally never go out as I have no-one to look after my DD and I apologised for my reaction and explained why. However since then he's admitted that he's been invited out other times and turned them down because he doesn't want to upset me. I've explained that I'm happy for him to go out and it was wrong of me to react that way in the first place, but he thinks he's protecting me by not telling me these things. I guess because he wasn't sure if it was going ahead, there was no point in bringing it up if he wasn't even going - except on sunday, this is one of the things we specifically discussed - STOP KEEPING THINGS FROM ME AND STOP LYING. He'd been lying and telling me that his old friends never contacted him, when they had all along and repeatedly asked him to go out over these last few months but he'd lied to me to protect me. I wound up feeling embarassed and ashamed that he felt he had to do that, and he promised he wouldn't do it again and I would work on the things I needed to.

Sorry, it all seems so petty I know! :( I just feel a bit hurt that he felt that he had to keep it from me again, and we only had this talk on sunday - not a great fucking start, is it?! I've text him this morning and asked him to call me before work so we can quickly sort this out - he doesn't start work for another hour so hopefully he'll think it's important enough not to leave 'til 9pm or something :(

So yes, anyway, sorry for not keeping you updated. I genuinely think I'm reaching the end of the road now. I'll let you know how my petty problem turns out. Reading it back it seems so small and it is! If we didn't have other problems, it woudn't be an issue, but as we do this is where we've wound up - with me being upset over something like this!

Hellorather, so sorry about this horrible situation.

And so sorry to say "promised to make some changes". You do know, he probably won't, don't you.

What might be good for your self esteem might be to LEAVE THE BASTARD. Then you hold the cards, you made the decision, you have the dignity and control of the situation.
Then, let's get you sorted out with some further education at a place with child are, and get the next phase of your life on track.

This man is NOT your future

Hello there Rather,
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time just now, I do hope that things improve for you soon.

I've been in a relationship with a liar, and have to tell you that liars do not lie to protect another person. Your partner is not lying to protect you, he is lying to protect himself from the problems and difficulties that telling you the truth would cause HIM.

Liars are incredibly selfish people, who look for the easy path through life for themselves, not realizing that this might have serious repercussions for themselves and those close to them. They are trying to avoid conflict by lying, because they are not able to deal with complex emotions.

It sounds to me as though your partner lies by omission, only telling you the part of the story he wants you to hear, or not telling you at all about events he can keep secret. When you do find out things by chance, he turns the the emotional thumbscrews of "protecting you" to make himself feel better and you feel worse.

Life with a liar is very emotionally draining, as it is so difficult to trust them, it is like trying to build a home on quicksand with the tide rushing in. Give some thought to your own emotional safety before it is too late.

You sound to be a lovely girl, I hope you have a good life.

Rather, I don't think people's advice will have changed from last time you posted on what to do with this bloke.

And I agree with Norks, let's all put our energy in helping you get your life back in track.

You mentioned university in a previous post, what would you like to study?

Well I rung him. He was annoyed because he said last night I was upset and mentioning the drinks thing wasn't the most pressing matter (my best and only friend told me last night she's moving 5 hours away) so he was going to tell me today. He also says every time he mentions going out or not coming round to mine I get huffy and he feels incredibly guilty. Now he's said that, I do think he's right, I may not always do it but I have done quite a few times :( I'm terribly insecure and jealous at times, I've come a really long way since then though and I've worked hard at it but I don't think he sees that. He had to go into work so he had to stop talking, I shouted fine and hung up. I've text him saying I can't live like this anymore, I'm hurting so much and I don't want to make him unhappy. I've said I think too much has happened and we need to take a break. It hurts so much and I feel like I'm punishing him, trying to hurt him but it is just so painful to live this way. I honestly just want to have a drink which is so dangerous - my father is an alcoholic, whom I no longer have contact with, and I went through a patch where I was sneaking vodka in my orange juice with breakfast when I was younger :( Apologies for the lack of paragraphs, I'm on my phone and it has the habit of deleting everything so don't want to try and start messing around with it! I can't see a life without him, I was so miserable before he came along, I really struggle being a single parent and I'm going right back to it.

Sorry, I'm just about to start an International Studies degree with the Open University. Although this is the worst time for this to happen because I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

If you're unhappy with your boyfriend you're entitled to suggest taking a break. If you're unhappy with yourself and you think alcohol is going to be an issue again, then seek help for that. But don't see yourself as 'punishing him'. From the things you described initially, he is a very thoughtless man and who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. He complains about you getting 'huffy' but he creates situations that give you a lot to be huffy about. Don't let him turn his failings back as being your fault.

You sound like the kind of person who would benefit in many ways from having a loving, supportive and reliable partner. From the sketch you've drawn, this man does not seem to fit that description. You may have been miserable before he appeared but you don't seem to be much happier now.

Just to play devils advocate

Life with a liar is very emotionally draining

Likewise is life with someone like this...

He also says every time he mentions going out or not coming round to mine I get huffy and he feels incredibly guilty. Now he's said that, I do think he's right, I may not always do it but I have done quite a few times sad I'm terribly insecure and jealous at times

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with someone like that will tell you how suffocating and claustrophobic it is. Before you know it you find your social circle getting smaller and smaller, nights out getting fewer and far between because it's not worth the aggro/huffiness/silent treatment from your DP.

I think taking a break is exactly what you both need.

You need to work on your own issues. It's not healthy to be insecure and jealous and get huffy whenever your DP wants a night out or a night to himself (not coming round to yours) and that's YOUR issue to deal with, not his.

@MsKayGee... What do you suggest is the correct response to a boyfriend that can't even be bothered to give the OP a birthday card? Is that her issue to deal with?

Yeah, I know, he's out of order there. I don't think there is a "correct response" to that is there? Mine would be to leave the bastard have had a discussion long ago about my feeling that he lacks respect for me and this was just one of the signs of that.

I think I said much further up the thread that I don't think he's the one for her and I wouldn't put up with it myself.

But in response to the OP's most recent post post, it isn't healthy to behave the way she does about him having a night out and I can kind of see why it's easier for him to lie or avoid the subject.

But all in all, I just don't think they should be together tbh.

rather now is the PERFECT time to reinvent yourself as a single, strong, academic, no-nonsense woman.

Am impressed with the degree, now let's sort the rest out. Now is the time! Seize the Carp :)

I like 'seize the carp' I though think it will go over the heads of my sixth formers if I use it! (Several are into fishing, and may take it too literally).

OP - you sound like you have a great deal going for you. Now is NOT the time to settle for shoddy behaviour - espacially so soon into a relationship. Start your degree. Get a new image. Find a good local babysitter. Work on your life. Be happy in yourself before you meet somebody else!

Totally agree with you MrsKayGee. It's really not fair for him to have to put up with this. I do have issues and he shouldn't have to put up with them. I'm hoping that if we take a break it'll really hit home how much we want to be together and what we both really need to work on. Or it could make him realise how he doesn't actually want to be with me.

Or it could make you realise how much happier you are and how you don't want to be with him!

Life's too short to be as sad as you seem to be. Get stuck into uni, find a babysitter, build up your social life, and before long you'll soon realise you're worth so much more than this.

You've all been so nice to me :) I'm stuck in a rut at the moment, as DD's dad left me with a 4K debt, my credit is shot so I can't get a loan, had to give up my part-time job as DD needed hospital treatment which meant I was up there a few times a week and am as broke as fuck. So, even if I had a babysitter, I don't have the money to finance it or the money to go out haha. I do feel like I've lost my identity and my independence and that definitely contributes towards feeling needy and insecure.

"It's really not fair for him to have to put up with this"

If someone genuinely loves you, they love you warts and all. Nobody is perfect, everyone has issues and, for the 'right' person, a little anxiety about where they spend their free time a) wouldn't happen because you'd feel you could trust them and b) wouldn't be a problem. What matters is that you are treated with respect, honesty and decency. Your partner has to make you feel more secure, not less. That isn't happening. Keep focused on that and stop blaming yourself.