Does my DP respect me? :( Long, sorry.

[RatherBeRaiding]

Hi all. My first time posting on mumsnet, so apologies if I do anything wrong

DP and I have been together almost a year. We have no children together but both have a DD each from our previous relationships. DP sees his DD once during the week after work (sometimes more) and goes round their house for tea, has some playtime with her and then puts her to bed. He also spends the entire saturday and sunday with her. He works monday - friday 9am - 5pm.

This arrangement is fantastic and I see DP on some evenings, but by that time my DD is asleep or just going to bed and I'd really like us to start doing stuff together as a family as he's hoping to move in with us after Christmas (he currently lives in a bedsit). As his DD's mum has just gone p/t to f/t work too, I suggested maybe spending an extra evening with his DD during the week and spending 3 or 4 hours with us on a weekend, so maybe on a sunday morning come round to ours and then we could go swimming, or to the park, have some lunch and then spend the rest of the time with his DD and DD's mum also gets some time with her at the weekend. This is all sounding confusing to me, so I'm sorry if I'm losing you!

He said that sounded great, it would start this saturday ... well he had an opticians appointment booked this morning, I thought we could make that our time together this weekend and then have lunch at ours as my DD also needed some new glasses. My DP has been having some awful headaches since he started his new job (he's behind a computer all day) and wants a sight test, so this appointment was important. It was booked for 11.20 this morning, we were going to get the bus up together and it got to 10am and was starting to worry he had slept in, so text him. I heard nothing back, I rung at 10.30 to try and wake him up, no answer. At 11.10 I rung a final time in the hopes that he would answer and already be at the appointment! He finally text me at 12pm to say sorry for messing up my morning, he'd been up 'til 5am with a terrible migraine and had only just woken up.

My problem is not that he didn't spend a few hours with us, it's that he didn't let me know :( He has migraines quite frequently (especially at the moment) and has always let his XP and DD know that he wasn't going to turn up. He's always let his work know - although, even with a migraine, he 90% of the time will turn up to work/see his DD. When it comes to me and my DD, we're just an afterthought - I'm left twiddling my thumbs, worrying that's something's wrong because he's supposed to be here and he's not. Then I get a short text some hours later, apologising - he doesn't even call, even though I've asked him if he wouldn't mind calling sometimes, as texts seem so impersonal at times .

I feel so sad that he can either drag himself out of bed to be with other people/work, or at least let them know beforehand! He's had to cancel on me several a few times and he literally never lets me know until the 11th hour. My birthday was a few months ago, I was quite excited as he was saying he'd made me some special things and I knew it would be really thoughtful. Fast forward to the day - he slept round my house the night before, I was excited in the morning just to get a card for a change! He eventually told me that he hadn't had the chance to get me a card yet, and he hadn't finished my presents. I was disappointed (the last few birthdays have been shit, and my DD was with her dad at the other end of the country so no chance to celebrate with her) but I said I understood - he'd had a rough few months and had just moved house! Well it's three months later and him or I occasionally bring it up, apparently he's drawing something for me but it's not finished ... I doubt it ever will be. It wasn't about the presents for me, just the thought and honestly now I think about it, it feels like I'm not worth that much to him

He offered to make me a spreadsheet as I've been struggling with my finances and I am really cack-handed when it comes to doing anything like that lol! I initially refused the first couple of times he mentioned it, as I didn't want him to have to spend time doing for it, but he said he really wanted to help me out so I said yes. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. A lot of the time when he's home from work he complains he's bored and has nothing to do which is even worse.

Does he have any respect for me, am I worth anything to him? I feel like I'm a second thought to him, like he doesn't bother finishing my birthday presents or making me a spreadsheet because I'm just not that important. He's fantastic in loads of other ways, and I really love him and he says he loves me - but this morning has just made me feel so upset. I have tears in my eyes whilst I'm writing this, because it makes me think that I must be really hard to love, I'm fat and ugly and can be a real cow sometimes Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know where to go from here.

tribpot - I've seen his bedsit and had some dinner there a few times :) It definitely is his The part about the trial seperation does worry me though, they were definitely split but when XP found out about me she started saying she'd do anything to get him back and I think she felt that he was choosing me over her when she moved out if that makes sense? I do worry sometimes that he'll go back to her, she's made it clear to him several times that she wants him back but DP has said even if he was single he wouldn't do it, they've tried counselling and to work it out before and he said it always went back to the way it was and too much has gone on for him to want to be with her anymore. He still does really care about her but I'm sure it's purely platonic, although I'm concerned that he'd go back to her because it's easier and much less stress!

So he wasn't cheating on his partner when you met him, just not telling her? I have to say,, I don't believe for one second they split two years ago and that she knows about you op. Or are you saying in your latest post they were still a couple when you met? But I thought they split two years ago? Sorry for being confused.

Dump him and work on your self-esteem issues before getting involved with anyone else next time.

Don't waste any more mental energy on this situation, whatever the truth may be.

How do you know she wants him back, OP? Or that she even knows you exist? Have you met her? My guess is that everything you know about his ex and their relationship is what you have been told by him.

Here's a spreadsheet. It's from moneysavingexpert. Click at the Spreadsheet link at the bottom of the page.

Oh sorry, should have added that I think he's been telling you a load of crap. Their relationship ended five months ago, that's why she was upset. Nobody separates and stays in the same house like that - the fact is that he was shagging around and his wife didn't know about it.

I don't think this man sees you as a future partner - I'd say I'm sorry, but actually I think you've had a lucky escape.

perfumedlife - No, he didn't want to tell her until it was serious - tbh at the beginning we were mainly just fooling around, not thinking it would really go anywhere. We were both really different and had shit going on in our lives so neither of us felt like it was going to be anything more than drinks and a fumble haha. She definitely knows about me, she's bumped into us before, had a quick talk to him and completely blanked me! No worries about being confused, this whole thing is confusing! DP and XP split two years ago, stayed in the same house as they had a mortgage and both of them were too apathetic to actually do anything about it. We met a year later, dated casually until I had my m/c and it brought us really close together. I said that I felt uncomfortable entering into a relationship with someone that still lived with their ex and he agreed, so he told her he was seeing someone and moved out. Hope that explains it better than I did earlier lol. I really did have to push him to move out, he was a little too comfortable there.

Numberlock - Genuine question, how do I work on my self-esteem? I've suffered with it for years, and go through up-and-down patches where I feel like I'm making improvements and then something happens and I slip right back down again. I've had counselling, being on anti-depressants helped for about 8 months then for whatever reason they stopped. My parents tell me that I'm a failure, a disappointment to the family and point out where I've gone wrong, that I'm a single parent with no qualifications and yet when I wanted their support to go to university, they said I couldn't cope and I'd fail. I try not to let it get to me but it's so ingrained in me now that I actually start to believe them. Are there any good books I should read?

tribpot - I had to prise it out of him, he seemed a bit off and eventually told me she kept asking for him back every time he went round there to see his DD. I've bumped into her before with him so she definitely knows about me! I've had to take his word for everything he's told me obviously, because I trust him - but meeting her/his DD would help, but obviously I can't force that :( I just have to have trust, but with the issues in my OP, there's more going on and I'm not sure what I should do next bar running for the hills screaming

I love this man!

He is showing you who he is BEFORE he moves in, marries you gets you to have a baby with him. He is showing you who he is, how selfish and thoughtless he is and what your life will be before you become to practically and emotionally enmeshed with him and can't get out easily. He's clearly a bit of an amateur to show his true colours so early on.

Bravo to him I say!

Dump, dumpity dump! Talking will not change him, though you could try it I suppose. I'd be interested to know why his ex is his ex.

Please don't say those things about yourself OP, there is enough people out there doing us down without us doing it to ourselves.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether - Thankyou so much for the link! I know that seems to be the general concensus :( Our friends who introduced us seemed to know he was split up from his ex, but we drifted apart and I don't really speak to them much so not sure I can ask them. I'm certain that if they'd had any doubts that he was with XP, they would've told me though.

I do think you may be right that he doesn't see me as his future though. I think maybe he was just agreeing with everything I said I wanted with him because he knew it wasn't going to happen :( And that's hard to come to terms with.

akaemmafrost - I just have to know if he was dicking me around this entire time, saying he was going to move in - we were even going to go on holiday next year, I was about to put the deposit down. I guess he's not going to own up to it though, but I know I have to talk to him and try.

I know what I'd be saying if I was reading this OP, and it'd be the same as you are all saying.

Oh hello. You putting a deposit down on a holiday? Where's his half?

It's a holiday for DD and I at Haven, but I've asked if he wants to come - he did say he would pay half, but I wasn't putting the deposit down 'til next week so haven't asked for his half yet :)

RatherBeRaiding, even if he was telling the truth about his split, he isn't exactly wooing you, and you deserve it, despite feeling down about yourself. Think of how you want your dd to be treated by the man she loves. Is it like this?

You sound lovely but he doesn't sound as if he's ready for a relationship. Maybe he will improve but I don't think you can take that chance. My dh was a newly single dad when we met, he was devoted to his dd however I never felt neglected. He phoned me when he said he would and he would txt to let me know he was thinking of me.Think about it - how much effort does it take to txt when you want to brighten up someone's day? Your not the problem he is.

Don't settle for him, sure he may have potential but he isn't showing it now so back away and let him figure out what he wants. I bet he will say he wants a relationship with you BUT you need to tell him that he just doesn't offer enough for you. Self esteem builds when you believe you are worth and deserve more and then you set good boundaries (which means you don't get badly treated and your self esteem builds).

Your parents were wrong to tell you that you would fail, that's so harsh and cruel and was wrong!

perfumedlife - I do agree with you, it's just that I'm nowhere near from perfect either, and I've been really harsh on him at times. There's lots of things I want to undo ... and I think he should be given a second chance. I just don't know what needs to change or even how to talk to him about this ...

if you have to ask .........

OP, I have read all the thread and I have a conclusion to give you. You won't like it though.

You are a rebound. An "ok for now" relationship. He isn't in this for the longhaul. He may well dump you when 1) he decides to go back to his ex 2) he finds someone he likes better than both of you

I'm sorry, but that is the impression I get

Thanks everyone, all of you have given me good replies, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, it's given me food for thought. I feel much stronger now, and unless I'm completely convinced by what he says tonight, then it's over. He'll be here soon so I need to prepare myself (probably with my head over the toilet, although I'm not sure if it's nerves or all those cookies I ate earlier) and remember what I want to say without getting drawn off-topic. I'll update tomorrow about how it goes, thanks to everyone that's taken their time to post here - it really means something to me.

AnyFucker - Just caught your reply as I was heading off, yours was the first that made me cry :( Only because I think you're right! I'm an 'ok for now' relationship, it just hurts so much to realise it :( Gods, I hope I'm wrong though.

RatherBe if he was serious about spending today with you he could have stayed over last night. He didn't because he had no intention of doing so and was most likely at his dd and ex's house this morning, ignoring your texts.

If you insist on talking to him, and I wouldn't as he hasn't even called you back, tell him it's one wrong move now or it's over.

oh no ! I am sorry I made you cry !

I think you are coming to a realisation all by yourself, actually, or you wouldn't be posting here

Just remember one thing, love. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected.If you don't, you should end it.

I'm just sat here crying. I text him at 6.15 to ask him what time he'd be round tonight, I still haven't had a reply. His DD would've gone to bed almost an hour ago, so I've rung a few times and he's not picking up. I've just text him saying 'If I ever meant, and still do mean something to you, you need to be round here now talking to me. I'm not a toy you can play with when you feel like, I'm supposed to be your partner, but you have no respect for me nor do you treat me as if I was worth anything to you. If you don't want to make it around and discuss this tonight, fine - that's your decision'.

And I'm sobbing because I'm realising how little I must mean to him. And how I have no-one else I can share the grief of losing our baby with, I only told a couple of people - none of my family as they would've told me it was for the best and I was stupid to allow myself to get pregnant in the first place. I couldn't bear to hear that.

I really love him. I really thought we had a life together. He's just text me saying he'll be twenty minutes. Why do I get the feeling that he's coming round to break my heart?

Splash your face with cold water, get some make up on, take some deep breaths, calm down and don't be distracted from what you want and need to say to him.

When he turns up you want to look on control, not a sobbing wreck, you can do this.

This guy wasn't the one for you, OP. I'm so very sorry about your miscarriage, nothing will ever make that okay. But it's more likely he's heard alarm bells and will be round to give you just enough attention to keep you on a string for a while longer.

Being his rebound doesn't diminish you as a person. What diminishes you is putting up with being treated like second best. You deserve better.

Op the others are right, wash your face, have a glass of something and compose yourself. Think, if this is how he treats you in the honeymoon phase, it can only get worse. You sound like a great person, demand to be treated with respect. xx

You lost a baby ? I am so, so sorry.

If you feel you can't tell many people about that because they would think it for the best, what does it say to you ? It says to me that they would sympathise with you for the loss of a baby, but not rejoice that you conceived it with him. All those people you didn't tell are not wrong, love

Now, I may have missed the boat because I was eating my Chinese, so I will write what I hope you did.

I hope you dried your teats and met him the doorstep. I hope you didn't let him over the threshold, but told him right there that he had his chance and he blew it. That anyone who didn't make you feel anything but "special^ was not worth your time. And that you were letting him go, so you could find someone who valued you.

I hope this.