DP lied to me - "I didn't want you to worry"

[TheCalmingManatee]

I feel hurt and betrayed, even though i totally see his point.

Its over money, basically a client has been slow in paying, we have some (small) mortgage arrears (less than one months worth) and this money is to be used to pay this off.

Anyway, on saturday the client told DP she was going to transfer the money - today i asked DP "you will pay the mortgage today wont you, im starting to get stressed" DP: "yeah, i will do" i KNEW he had no intention of paying, i also knew in the back of my mind the client hadn't paid yet. So i said "are you sure", "theres a problem isn't there" cue DP looking sheepish and him saying, "oh well actually client hasn't paid yet i'll pay when she pays" So i asked him why he thought it was ok to lie, blatantly to my face

He said becaues he "didn't want to worry me" It slightly more complicated that this, I have an anxiety disorder, im currently undergoing CBT and i think it might be working. So my normal reaction would be to fly off the handle, go into "disaster mode" everything degenerates into an almighty row. In fact that is what did happen this very weekend because there was a dispute with the client over the pay (awkward one, my DP did a job for someone via a third party, he thought she was aware of his hourly rate etc and that extra charges would be made because there were expenses in the way of parking (£30 a day!) so partly DPs own fault for not ensuring client was up to speed, his friend was in charge of the job and should have told her an estimate, which he didn't so DP already knocked money off the bill to avoid conflict )So anyway, i went into my normal meltdown over this - this is a symptom of my anxiety and i was pretty shitty to DP, called him an idiot - (i know i shouldnt have done this and i apologised and felt terrible) but its like i can't control myself, i have spoken to my therapist about this and we are working on it, i know i shoudlnt be saying these things, shouldnt be panicing but once i start im on a straight road and can't stop.

So i do understand why he felt it was maybe better not to tell me, but i not an idiot, i knew there was a problem. I had rationalised it to myself anyway as I had decided i must just let him deal with it. But it hurts so much that he feels he can't be open with me about things but also i feel gagged in as much as if he does something that upsets me, i can't say anything because its due to my over reacting due to my anxiety disorder. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

My dad died 7 years ago today, so i had no energy for a row this morning, but told DP i was really upset with him and could hardly bring myself to talk to him - he went off to work, came back just as i was getting ready to go to the cemetary to put some plants on my dads grave. He offered me a lift which i took grudgingly and we did argue on the way there - but i didn't "go into one" i just sat quiet, i didn't want to be having this, i wanted to go and sort my dads grave out - anyway, i told him to go back to work and leave me there. I sat and sobbed for a bit and then got on with sorting my dads grave out (it was a bit of a mess) I thought about things and how i don't want to continue being lied to, this is something trivial - how can i relax if i think he is lying over trivial (relatively) things, i will always worry that we are going to be in trouble (its always money :( ) Anyway, after about half an hour DP came back and i was still very cold with him but i was so pleased to see him that after a bit i said sorry and asked for a cuddle. He said sorry too and that he really didn't want me to worry but i feel that its that he doesn't want me to kick off rather than being genuinely concerned about my anxiety. He is very about the CBT but i think it could be good. Its that or medication and he doesen't want me taking meds and being like a zombie agian.

I am looking for a job, i know that this will make the difference, but no matter how hard i try i dont seem to get anywhere. Today i am on tenterhooks because im waiting for an email from a trust that may or may not be offering me the opportunity to apply for a fellowship, it means a modest but respectable part time wage and my feet back on my career ladder. If i don't get it im going to fall apart because its very much last chance saloon. Im checking my email like an obsessive with OCD and its driving me nuts.

I just want a break, one lucky break. Im sorry if you have managed to read this far i just needed to get this out somewhere. I love my DP dearly and he is a good and decent man, trying his best up against so much pressure but he has to see that he must never ever lie to me. I need to face my demons so i dont react aggressively, but i can't do that without his support.

I sympathise with you, but whatever your DH did was going to be wrong - if he told you the truth, he was risking you having a massive overreaction (granted, it's due to your illness, but even so...) so he told you a white lie, and you still blew up at him. Think you both need to apologise to each other, TBH.

We have AP. To be fair, i think you have about summed it up, although i didn't blow up at him this morning, i kept really calm but just felt so hurt. I don't want my DP to feel that A) he has to lie to me and B) he can't confide in me if he has a problem.

shameless bump for other perspectives

anyone else? im really not sure how to feel about this - part of me agrees with AP, its my own fault becaue i always freak out, but another part of me thinks, fucking hell, does this mean that i can never speak out if he does something to upset me beause it gets blamed on my illness or i am just being a bitch? This pretty much gives him carte blance to walk all over me, and i just have to accept things how he wants them and thats that.

If I had been in his shoes I'd have been terrified to tell the true for fear of you "flying off the handle", I get very upset by such reactions my first DP was like that and It took a heavy toll on my MH.

Agree with AP. Don't blow this one up anymore than it needs to be.

I think it might help if you step back from the idea of it being anyone's 'fault'

You both have acted in a certain way without any malice or indifference to the feelings of the other.

You (I suspect) feel guilty and frustrated that your anxiety makes things difficult. He is struggling to do the right thing - caught between being honest and risking upsetting you.

It's a difficult issue for both of you for different reasons.
It's no ones fault.
Give him a break. Give yourself a break

But do i have to always bite my tongue? part of me thinks "just keep quiet about it" but i don't want to be the "little woman" who isn't given any say in what happens etc.

A normal reaction would be to say ' why did you not just tell me? Don't tell me lies please... ' however it seems to me that his motives were decent - he didn't want to deal with the fall out of your reaction - although he is having to do just that.

He made an error of judgement. It's nothing to do with you biting your tongue or being the little woman is it? Keep your reaction to this in proportion and move on. Anything else will just set you back and indicate that the CBT is possibly not working as well as you think

You sould like me, I also have (at times) crippling anxiety and other MH issues, I am also having CBT (well pretty much finished now).

I imagine I am a complete bloody nightmare to live with and wonder how dp copes tbh sometimes. Quite often whatever he does would be wrong and I have to accept that he is just trying to muddle through.

I think you just need to let it go, unless you think he is actively lying with the intent to cause harm but it doesn't sound like that at all to me.

I hope things get easier for you, it does sound like you are having a very tough time

I agree with Pag, as someone who has an anxiety disorder I can see both sides of this - that I do think it's a legitimate worry about wanting any mortgage arrears being paid off asap, but I can also see why your DP couldn't face up to a further anxiety driven meltdown. IME of anxiety disorders, it's hard as your anxiety-o-meter is set so high that you don't have grey areas - more a just about ticking along OK till next things sets you off v horrible anxiety with thoughts/physical symptoms etc. Hopefully your therapist/counsellor will continue helping you develop more appropriate limits and reactions, particularly given, since your DP is self-employed, times of payment realistically will often be outside your and his control to a degree.

I do wonder if your DP is being unrealistic - if he doesn't like you having CBT and doesn't like you having meds, that does somewhat block the major treatment options!

In using your anxiety disorder to claim that its like i can't control myself, it seems you've given yourself carte blanche to verbally walk all over your dp.

Your disorder may cause you to exhibit certain behaviour traits but I suspect that 'going into one' whenever you feel unsettled, or under threat of events beyond your control, may pre-date the manifestation of your anxiety disorder and that it is a habit rather a symptom of your condition.

Self-employment carries the risk that clients may not pay on time or may not pay at all. No doubt your dp is as worried as you are that he hasn't got the werewithal to make the outstanding mortgage payment(s) but you've effectively rendered him unable to express any worries he may have to you.

The sensible way forward would be to discuss ways in which your dp can safeguard against late and non-payers. This may take the form of a small discount for prompt payment, determining the time he allows clients to pay before filing with moneyclaim online, and building up a contingency fund to keep utilities supplied and the roof over your heads when clients prove unreliable.

Without knowing more about your disorder and its cause, have you considered hypnosis and/or anger management classes if your course of CBT fails to bring about the desired change to your behaviour?

Thanks izzy - what is that moneyclaim online thing that you speak of? :) We may have to use this with this client. But will give her until the end of the week. But it would be good to have a protocol to stick to - the irony is that whenever we have had difficulties with clients paying in the past (thankfully doesn't happen very often) i have phoned them and dealt with it. My tenacity and inability to let things go has had its uses though. Becaues this wasn't "his" client i can't really get involved and i think that is what overloaded the circuits - control freak, much??

A contingency fund would be nice, but we are barely making ends meet so anything like this is a real shitter, but in my rational moments (i do have them) i know that this is par for the course when self employed and this is the road we have both choesn to travel.

Im like a coiled spring at the moment waiting for the fellowship response but if that comes off we will have some financial security and that will make a big difference.

DP has just come and said that the woman who is not paying up has just texted and asked for a quote for some more work so she clearly is intending on coughing up!

I have to do some making up, don't i.

yy to the bit of your post Izzy quoted from about going out of control - IME again, the intermediate step from dragging someone into your anxiety and not feeling uncontrollable anxiety is making the effort to keep it within the confines of your head and not kicking off, seeking reassurance etc. i.e learning to live with it, until it subsides.

OuIf someone reacted aggressively to the truth, I would lie. I don't think you're being fair to him, expecting him to manage your reactions. You either stop flying off the handle, or accept that he will lie to avoid the verbal abuse. You shouldn't call people names.

For your, hopefully, future reference www.moneyclaim.gov.uk is a quick and easy way to pursue individuals for bad debts.

I hope your dp won't let the lure or promise of further non-payment work from his recent non-paying client blind him to the necessity of obtaining payment for the work he's done before embarking on another project for her.

Its funny because i was reticent to post this as i was worried i would be met with a stream of "hes a cunt" and that would have made me feel awful, because he blatantly isn't.

Thankyou for all of your thoughts, it confirms my thoughts really, he deserves better.

Thanks izzy, no, he wont do the job until this one is paid for! :) Which, as we speak, has just done so! So i kicked off for nothing AGAIN. That is definately a useful link if we ever encounter a non-paying client.

When i "kick off" i know i am wrong, all this shit comes out of my mouth and i have a voice in the back of my head begging me to stop, i just can't, or don't, it then because a self destructive thing.

Anxiety is a terrible thing to deal with I totally understand. I have recently completed cbt and it is helpful. Have you thought about doing a thought sheet with him so he knows the process you go through. In times of known triggers like today you could sit down together and work through it rather than it turning into an argument. Good luck!

My DH has an anxiety disorder and I TOTALLY sympathize with your OH. Having endured the massive overreactions and anxiety attacks that occur if you "tell the truth" ie add to an already over anxious mind I would have done exactly the same. The client will pay then he will sort the arrears. Nothing can be done until that happens. He is handling it. What he doesn't need is having to handle YOU as well.

Living with someone with an anxiety disorder can be hellish. You never get any support because they always manage to "out worry" you. Sharing your concerns with a spouse with an anxiety disorder is a problem doubled not halved. You don't get "it'll work out sweetheart don't worry" you get "oh my god what are we going to do?! I told you you should have done x y z...".

Don't expect your husband to start feeling able to talk to you properly or be able to share big issues or concerns until you are able to get a handle on your anxiety. You are at present part of the problem not part of the solution. I hope your CBT helps change that.

thanks for that needs - the truth hurts

When i read back some of these posts and think about what i have done, i can't help but think i should let him go. I know he would leave if it wasn't for our DD. I could never take her away from her daddy, but maybe i should give her a shot at a better life and walk away. :(

If i were writing this from my DP's perspective, it would be a unanimous, leave the bastard.

I think you should try fluoxetine, which is an antidepressant that helps with anxiety. Did the gp give you citalopram before? It zombified me, but fluoxetine is great for.me.

Your husband.doesn't get to tell you he doesn't want you on medication, your body, your brain, your choice. You can still continue with the cbt.

I don't want to be on ADs though, thts the whole point of the CBT, but it seems to be making me worse.

The post from needsomeperspective has broken me, it was pretty much word for word what my DP said to me - he has enough problems without having to deal with ME as well. I have to thank you though, for making me see things how they really are.

I know that the problem is me - and reading those words are so so hard because i couldn't bear for my DP to feel that way about me, which he clearly does. I AM THE PROBLEM, its me - for seven years, his living hell has been because of me. I can't allow that to continue.

needsomeperspective did you stay with your DH? How can you stay with someone you can't share your problems with? Thats not a relationship, i see that now.

I have a lot of thinking to do. My DP has threatened to leave me a lot of times, but i have always begged him to stay. I am coming to the conclusion that i have to let him go - I think you will all agree with me that i am no good for him.

Its all a crock of shite though, if i leave DP and DD will, eventually be happier, i know this. I couldn't take DD with me anyway i wouldnt be able to provide for her. I am hoping that he will let me do childcare for him so that i get to see her after school each day.

I never wanted to become a toxic influence on people who i love, but i see now that is what i am, its no good trying to put the blame on anxiety or mental illness, i am poison and i see that now.

I asked my DP last night what i could do to make up for things, he just told me not to be silly. Poor bastard - he was a good, happy go lucky man, i've ruined his life and he tells me not to be silly :(

Quick post cos I'm on my phone, but please please don't do anything rash. You're doing exactly what you said you always do in your first post - going into "disaster mode". We've been honest with you, which is what you asked for. That doesnt mean that you can't change or that you need to leave your DH. I think you need to go and get more help from your GP - for your sake and your DH's (and that's not meant to sound unkind).

He tells you not to be silly because you're being silly - or, more accurately, you're catastrophising again.

Not everything is going to ruin your life . You had a row with your husband, the end. It's not the row that's the issue, its your reaction to it. Go to the doctor.