DP lied to me - "I didn't want you to worry"

[TheCalmingManatee]

I feel hurt and betrayed, even though i totally see his point.

Its over money, basically a client has been slow in paying, we have some (small) mortgage arrears (less than one months worth) and this money is to be used to pay this off.

Anyway, on saturday the client told DP she was going to transfer the money - today i asked DP "you will pay the mortgage today wont you, im starting to get stressed" DP: "yeah, i will do" i KNEW he had no intention of paying, i also knew in the back of my mind the client hadn't paid yet. So i said "are you sure", "theres a problem isn't there" cue DP looking sheepish and him saying, "oh well actually client hasn't paid yet i'll pay when she pays" So i asked him why he thought it was ok to lie, blatantly to my face

He said becaues he "didn't want to worry me" It slightly more complicated that this, I have an anxiety disorder, im currently undergoing CBT and i think it might be working. So my normal reaction would be to fly off the handle, go into "disaster mode" everything degenerates into an almighty row. In fact that is what did happen this very weekend because there was a dispute with the client over the pay (awkward one, my DP did a job for someone via a third party, he thought she was aware of his hourly rate etc and that extra charges would be made because there were expenses in the way of parking (£30 a day!) so partly DPs own fault for not ensuring client was up to speed, his friend was in charge of the job and should have told her an estimate, which he didn't so DP already knocked money off the bill to avoid conflict )So anyway, i went into my normal meltdown over this - this is a symptom of my anxiety and i was pretty shitty to DP, called him an idiot - (i know i shouldnt have done this and i apologised and felt terrible) but its like i can't control myself, i have spoken to my therapist about this and we are working on it, i know i shoudlnt be saying these things, shouldnt be panicing but once i start im on a straight road and can't stop.

So i do understand why he felt it was maybe better not to tell me, but i not an idiot, i knew there was a problem. I had rationalised it to myself anyway as I had decided i must just let him deal with it. But it hurts so much that he feels he can't be open with me about things but also i feel gagged in as much as if he does something that upsets me, i can't say anything because its due to my over reacting due to my anxiety disorder. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

My dad died 7 years ago today, so i had no energy for a row this morning, but told DP i was really upset with him and could hardly bring myself to talk to him - he went off to work, came back just as i was getting ready to go to the cemetary to put some plants on my dads grave. He offered me a lift which i took grudgingly and we did argue on the way there - but i didn't "go into one" i just sat quiet, i didn't want to be having this, i wanted to go and sort my dads grave out - anyway, i told him to go back to work and leave me there. I sat and sobbed for a bit and then got on with sorting my dads grave out (it was a bit of a mess) I thought about things and how i don't want to continue being lied to, this is something trivial - how can i relax if i think he is lying over trivial (relatively) things, i will always worry that we are going to be in trouble (its always money :( ) Anyway, after about half an hour DP came back and i was still very cold with him but i was so pleased to see him that after a bit i said sorry and asked for a cuddle. He said sorry too and that he really didn't want me to worry but i feel that its that he doesn't want me to kick off rather than being genuinely concerned about my anxiety. He is very about the CBT but i think it could be good. Its that or medication and he doesen't want me taking meds and being like a zombie agian.

I am looking for a job, i know that this will make the difference, but no matter how hard i try i dont seem to get anywhere. Today i am on tenterhooks because im waiting for an email from a trust that may or may not be offering me the opportunity to apply for a fellowship, it means a modest but respectable part time wage and my feet back on my career ladder. If i don't get it im going to fall apart because its very much last chance saloon. Im checking my email like an obsessive with OCD and its driving me nuts.

I just want a break, one lucky break. Im sorry if you have managed to read this far i just needed to get this out somewhere. I love my DP dearly and he is a good and decent man, trying his best up against so much pressure but he has to see that he must never ever lie to me. I need to face my demons so i dont react aggressively, but i can't do that without his support.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you are over reacting again.
The solution is not to walk away until all avenues have been Exhausted. Even then it may not the the best decision.
Now you accept your reactions are wrong. You are jumping to react. If you up and leave it may be too much for your dh can cope with.
If you split it needs to be a well thought out decision.
I suffer anxiety. I found thinking of how I would feel if I were dh really helped me in these situations.

You are doing exactly what my DH does. Catastrophising and "woe is me" to turn the spot light right back where t always is - you.

By saying "oh you'd be better off without me, I'm horrific, I may as well jut jump off a bridge as I've ruined your life" you neatly turn it round so your partner has to start back tracking and comforting you and saying "no no its not that bad". Indescribably selfish behavior - again.

Your husband doesn't want you to leave he wants you to step up an be a real partner not a histrionic emotional vampire.

Don't say "I'm a terrible wife you're better off without me" pull your fucking socks up and BE the wife you ought to. But that's so much harder than meaningless self pity and lamentation isn't it.

Yes I am still married to my husband and I love him dearly. He is hugely hugely better since taking Zoloft - like a new man. But nothing is a miracle cure and we still have these kinds of discussions when he descends into anxiety, introversion and pure self centered behavior. Then I remind him he is becoming unbearable and he pulls himself up short and starts trying again.

It's wearing.

But he is worth it. Because he care enough to take the medication he needs to behave like a decent supportive spouse and tries hard to contain his unreasonable outbursts and overcompensating pity fests afterwards. If he refused to take his medication or stopped working on himself I would leave because there is only so much you can put up with until you think "life is too short for this shit!".

If I were you I would be looking at Cipralex or sertraline because it makes an enormous difference. Not for your benefit - because if you are anything like my husband he doesn't even realize how unreasonable he is - but for the sake of the people around you.

Agree with those above. You have it way out of proportion.

If CBT alone is not doing the trick, you need to consider a period of medication to get you rebalanced, then sort out the longer term issues through ongoing CBT or other therapy.

It's totally normal to combine therapy with meds, lots of people do it. See the GP pronto, I'd say.

oooh - needsomeperspective, you are scary! and right Im sorry - i know im being a cunt.

I am very torn at the moment as to what to do about the medication - My DP doesn't want me to take them again, not really, he thinks i can manage I DO however want to give the CBT a chance - the counsellor said that i have to give up drinking (TOTALLY!) because it interferes with the therapy as its all about learning about my feelings and learning how to deal with it. Being on medication isn't going to allow that. I don't want to be on meds if i don't have to - i want to, as you say, step up and be a good wife/partner/mother.

I suspect i WILL need the medication, but i will give it a few more weeks.

Thankyou for your scary post - and you need to change your name, you don't need anymore perspective, you have it in spades!!!

Your post last night did upset me becaues it made me see what i am donig to my DP, but you are right, its not all about me - i just need to find a way to deal with it. He's a wonderful man and deserves better, but when im "well" im good enough, we have a great relationship.

Crikey Needs you should charge for this!

Seriously, can I copy & paste that last post so I can email it to my bloody mother?

OP, your DH is still there, if he didn't want to be he wouldn't.

Good luck with the job x

There, that's the ticket!

I'm sure you're a great person, you need to believe that and look at the positives - in everything (I know that can be so hard at times).

I know it's very trite but I find reiterating the concepts behind the serenity prayer helps a lot when struggling to know whether to go off on one.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.

My husband worries obsessively over things he has no ability to fix or alter while ignoring things he could actually improve. I think half the key to managing anxiety seems to be directing his worry towards things he can fix or areas where he can make positive impact and away from fruitless fretting. That also makes him feel productive and builds his confidence.

He found Cipralex made him a zombie and it had a poor effect on libido and motivation. Zoloft, once you get past the first couple of weeks tiredness has been much much better. My H now accepts that his body doesn't produce the right chemicals and he needs to rebalance them with pills and always will do. Much like a diabetic has to balance their blood sugar levels by taking insulin. Now he accepts this he is much happier about taking medication and going to "the nut house" (his doctors surgery!) for his prescriptions and consultations.

I have ADHD and many things are a struggle for me which are easy for other people. I have huge difficulty with organisation and beinf reliable, returning phone calls, curbing impulsive behaviour etc. I'm not easy to live with either. But both DH and I keep trying, every day, for each other and for ourselves, to modify and fight against the unhealthy impulses we have - each in different ways.

Im off my meds now and have put on a ton of weight because I eat impulsively. I also leave a trail of destruction in my wake as I go through the house (wet towels, dirty nappies, washing, open cupboard doors) which drive his anxiety through the roof. I'm also thinking of going back to meds to extend him the same courtesy he does me am try to minimize the impact of my mental irregularities.

I'm sure you'll work it out manatee. Just try not to worry hey! ;)

Oh - now you've made me cry!

I think about that prayer alot and its so true, its about accepting what i can't change and changing what i can. The thing is, im fucking brilliant in a crisis, DP calls me his rock (i have, if im honest, been less like this lately) which is ironic to say the very least, but when push comes to shove, i can and DO step up, take over and sort things out, when i can. This last incident was so difficult for me because i couldn't take over, wade in and sort it out and thats what fried my head. I totally see why DP didn't want to tell me, its sorted now, it sorted itself and he sorted it out. Had i not walked in on that telephone conversation i would never have known there was a problem. I don't want that though, i want to be able to be there for DP to bounce things off.

I live in a world of "what ifs" its not the crises that do for me, its the potential crises, that really aren't.

I know i need to go back on medication, but i need to know the right one - citalopram was OK, DP said it made me like a zombie, said i didn't care about anything and i don't want that - you can't walk around so stoned that you don't care if there is a bus coming when you cross the road! My doctor has recommended serteraline as this is good for anxiety.

BUT then theres the CBT, which i think could work, but the anxiety feels physical - i wake up every single morning physically scared as if there is an intruder in the house or something, that sort of pit of stomach feeling. CBT can't make that go away can it, there are no "thought processes" in waking up.

The trouble is, i think that going on to meds now means that i will have to give up the CBT and i waited over a year to get the sessions.

Your posts are so true to everything that goes on with me needsomeperspective its almost spooky.

Thankyou for being ballsy enough to post what you did, you have snapped me out of my self pity which quite frankly was scaring me

Talk to your therapist hon.

My DH did therapy and meds together. But your therapist will be able to guide you in the right direction and say I it's got to be either / or.

Manatee - my experience is only with OCD but I know for that that it's quite normal for anything other than mild OCD to take meds and do CBT together, I'ld be quite wary tbh of a counsellor who didn't believe meds and CBT were compatible. I do agree with your counsellor re:the booze though, anything other than moderate alcohol intake is likely to have an adverse effect on your mood.

In terms of the waking up - you can look at how you react to the feelings of anxiety on waking - whether it's looking at breathing/relaxation or giving yourself a bit of a reality check.

My therapist didn't say that i shouldnt be on meds, he told me to stop drinking and said that even one glass will interfere with the CBT so if that is the case, a shed load of SSRIs are going to change my reactions and i will be back to square one when they stop, which is what has happened this time. So it was my implication that he had said to not have meds, sorry - my DP however doesn't want me to have them again because he felt i was like a zombie and unable to cope wiht day to day life.

What meds did you have before? Is there another option of meds that would be an option. Speak to your therapist.
Have you stopped drinking?

:( got a knockback on my fellowship application

DP lied AGAIN about mortgage but i picked him up on it with another "are you sure" and he said, "oh ive got the money but if i pay the mortgage we will have NO money" he needs diesel to get to work(70 mile commute on this job), we have to eat etc, i did very well and didn't go off on the deep end, but then opened my email to find news that my application has been put on hold again :(

Im struggling again

Lydia - i haven't had a drink since sunday! err, that sounds really bad doesn't it - but i have noticed that i have really wanted wine in the evening and that is a red flag to me so i wont be having any. I don't know about the meds, im so confused and don't know what to do for the best.

Manatee, I'm so sorry about your fellowship application. I can testify personally to the efficacy of CBT having received treatment for PND and really hope you get the meds sorted.

However, I can't tell you how illuminating I have found this thread. I could have written almost everything you have! When it comes to catastrophising and over-reaction and what I refer to as borrowing trouble I am a fricking master. Anything can send me from coping to meltdown and it's not fair on DH or the DCs. At the moment I am feeling very low and bleak and at the grand old age of thirty bloody five your thread has helped me put a name on some of my behaviours. I just thought I was a bit shit. It feels ever so slightly empowering to realise that there is something I can do about this rather than flying into failure mode and wallowing.

I think the CBT incompatible with meds issue is a more minor instance of you catastrophizing tbh. There is a huge difference between self-medication with drink/drugs to deal with anxiety and prescribed meds. That's an issue to discuss with GP and to a lesser extent therapist. Possibly another type of medication may be more suitable and leave you less zombiefied.

Well done for not giving in to the panic re:mortgage stuff. commiserations re:fellowship, things are not great for jobs for nearly everyone at the moment.

Shitemum you are not shite and you are right it does help to know its not because im a total bitch my anxiety makes me behaved like a bitch that is very different, its not an excuse but it helps me tof not hate myself quite so much