Up til 4 in the morning rowing! Oh and there's more to come tonight. Yippee!!

[amibi]

Afternoon all!

Oh my god where do I start?....

Me and dp have been together 9 years. We love each other to pieces, we have a 5 yr old dd who is our world, but we're so different.

On one level it feels like we're soul mates, but on another, it feels as though we're anything but and are, if anything, enemies. I know that's a harsh word, but we seem to be locking horns so much and unfortunately it's nothing new.

DP has difficulty controling his anger and goes through phases where he's controling it well. However, if things are going wrong with work, or dd is particuarly difficult, he's like a different person and that person is someone I DON'T want to be around.

Last night for example, we had a good night watching a film, shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat after the film had finished. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we start arguing and eventually it got out of control and he went downstairs because it was getting quite loud and obviously we didn't want dd to hear anything.

He doesn't realise that he can come across so aggressive and actually quite intimidating. When I tell him this, he basically says that if I can't take it then I know where to go, but when I say that's fine by me, he'll back track and say that he's sorry if he's upset me but I drive him to it. I hate being shouted at and I don't know where all this anger comes from. After a while, I know he can't even remember what we were arguing about in the first place and then it just basically turns into a slagging match.......I know!! How mature!

So I got about an hours sleep last night and on his way out to work he says, I think we need to talk tonight. YOU THINK??!! The thing is though, I know nothing will get solved, he'll tell me that he'll try harder but then gradually his anger will come to the forefront again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I certainly do have a part to play in all this, but I am no where near as aggressive, rude, disrepectful as he is.....or can be anyway. He's not like that all the time. He can be the completely opposite.

Please, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want him to leave, but I'm running out of options.

Thanks for reading. Would really appreciate any advice.

Oh and should also point out that up until last night, we'd be getting on really well for quite a long time and if anything, we were closer than we've been in a long time, so it was quite out of the blue.

Sugar

Strange because I used those exact words last night to him and he was shocked "don't use me as an emotional punching bag" He said he would never do such a thing and I know that's not his intention, but it doesn't stop it from being a fact.

He says that by playing squash twice a week as aposed to just once, which he's doing now, would really help him with his anger issues. I agree that exercise and especially a martial art can help with controling anger, but I can't see how playing an extra game of squash, is suddenly going to 'cure' him.

Did he witness this kind of conflict in his parents marriage? If so might be worth him seeking help to set new patterns instead of relapsing to the familiar - sometimes people conditioned to a conflict-ridden environment stir the waters deliberately when faced with harmony and calm.

Not an expert, btw, just went through all this with DH.

does he have anger issues with his friends/ work colleagues/ family?

Does he have problems controlling his "anger" with his boss, his friends, his family, the bank teller? Or are you the only recipient of this kind of behaviour.

"It's your fault, you made me angry" is the biggest red flag in the book, OP.

Of course he's tolerable sometimes, if he was constantly rude, aggressive and angry you wouldn't be there.
Other posters are correct-if he can control himself around his boss, people in the street etc then he has no anger problem, he just reserves it for you.
Your daughter will be aware somethings not right even if your arguments are moved a few metres away from her ears.

This sounds exhausting. I wouldn't have the time, inclination, patience or interest to partake in this. You know relationships are meant to be fun (apart from times of crisis etc), what are you getting from this?

you cant change him. he can if he wants. let him ahve another evening of squash on condition that when he feels angry on other days he walks awaygoes outside/runs around the block.

you can start changing your behaviour.

eg don let argument carry on - walk away.

say calmly "this is not the time to discuss this" and walk away.

if he continues to push or insist on discussing or follows you etc. then you know it is him not you.

a slaggng match takes two people right?

think of him as a five year old and treat accordingly; try changing your strategy.
talk calmly "i would be happy to discuss these issues over dinner tomorrow, but not now"

and walk away physically.

Do these rows always happen after drinking?

Snigger, I suppose he kind of witnessed similar with his folks, but his dad was and still is a bit of a bully with dp's mum and she tends to take it, whereas I don't.

Hot, well he works for himself, so that rules that one out, but when it comes to his friends it's hard to say, because they're never in a situation when there might be some confrontation. It's usually socialising at the gym or for a few pints. However, I know he got into lots of fights in his teen years because he was super paranoid and also probably because he was an arse! He does get cross with his family and often talks to them with absolutely no respect, but with his parents, I can kind of understand why. I don't necessarily think that they deserve respect, but that's a different story I suppose.

Even I wouldn't say i'm getting nothing from this relationship. Like I say we love each other, so I know i'm getting love, but sometimes like today, it feels like that's all we have and i'm afraid I don't agree with John Lennon.

Sugar, once again, I pretty much asked him exactly this. I said "what would you do if you heard dd's boyfriend talking to her in the same way you're SHOUTING at me" and he said "I'd want to take his head off" He went on to explain that again, I drive him to it and I know how to push his buttons. I know sometimes I should back off and i'm not good a letting the little things go, which then turn into big things, but regardless, I shouldn't be yelled at and sworn at.

Cest, I completely get what your saying. When I was saying that our arguing turned into a slagging match, I meant that I was being immature also, not just him. I completely get that it takes two. I wasn't just saying he was being the immature one. When you look back at things the next day, you can't believe that things got so nasty and out of control. I'm sure if we filmed ourselves, we would be horrified with the evidence.

balloon, no it's not just after drinking and tbf, sharing a bottle of wine isn't really a rarity so i'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

indeed. you can take it upon yourself here - as you recognize it is an issue - to make a stand and refuse to engage in pointless arguments.

see what happens when you refuse to be drawn.

"i am not going to argue, dd is asleep. we can discuss calmly tomorow" and walk away.

try techniques like get a timer and each has five minutes to have their say. then stop.

Actually that's a brilliant idea, film yourself on your phone or simply record your voices and then play it back and listen to how you/him actually get across. Sometimes it takes "seeing" the evidence to realise how one comes across. You might both get something from this exercise.

cest, thanks. Actually we used to use this to avoid an argment, or to stop one in it's tracks, but because we were getting on so much better recently and didn't actually need to try using this technique, I think we'd kind of forgotten the importance of it.

Jolly. It probably is a good idea, but how does it happen? Do you feel an arugment coming and and say 'hang on a sec, let me just get my smartphone out'?

So we had 'the talk'. What do you know.... he's really sorry. He can't believe he said what he said, can't believe he was so angry and doesn't understand why he was in the first place. He said at the time, he genuinely felt like his anger was justified, but in the morning, he just couldn't make any sense out of it.

I had to be quite tough, cos I have heard it before. I said that sorry wasn't enough anymore and that he needs to take some action. He agreed, but I have no idea if he's going to follow through with it.

He couldn't do enough for me this morning, but I know that just because he knows he was completely in the wrong, doesn't mean that I can relax. I'm so sad to think that actually, chances are, this will happen again. Don't get me wrong, people argue, people raise their voices and regret it, but that's what I would call 'normal', but when dp loses it, it's anything but normal. I don't feel like he's going to hurt me or anything, physically anyway, but I just can't stand that look he gets in his eyes.

Like I said before, its even more disappointing because we'd been so much closer recently and we getting on better in general. Feel like a fool for thinking I could relax.

He's controlling the situation both with his anger, and with his apologies.

You can stop engaging in these pointless arguments but ultimately if he can't control his anger whenever there is a disagreement then you'll never be able to disagree with him! Presumably you'd been "getting on well for a long time" because there had been no real disagreements?

I would see how it goes, but wouldn't hang around long enough for it to escalate further. It will end up poisoning your relationship and creating a damaging environment for your child.

olgaga, I agree with what you're saying.

However, actually there have been disagreements when we were getting on, but for whatever reason, we managed to just keep them as that, a disagreement and it was no big deal. Also, that's not really his main trigger. His trigger can sometimes be difficult to define, but i'd say overall it's situations where he's feeling helpless or emasculated. For example, he's self employed and when his business is suffering and he's not feeling like he's providing for his family properly, he becomes very agitated and snappy. He needs a purpose and he needs to have that feeling reinforced on a regular basis otherwise he feels lost and quite superfluous. That might sound quite immature, but actually his determination to be sucessful and provide for his family, I found admirable and attractive. However, the down side of that is when he doesn't feel like he is doing that, he turns into this completely different man and as I said before, one which I don't really like.

TBH, it seems a dangerous combination.

What you are saying is that he snaps when he's not in control.

It is quite childish.
He should get counselling for this and work hard on maintaining control of himself, not necessarily of his life, work or family.

I know that's what it sounds like, but he's really not a control freak. He certainly doesn't control me and I know he doesn't feel like he does. I'm certainly not defending his behaviour, but I or ideally a professional, needs to find out just why he gets as angry as he does. The bottom line is, I want/need it to stop.

He's read a lot about trying to control your anger(really working!!) but he's reluctant to go and see someone because he thinks it's going to be like a group therapy session and I think he'd prefer 1 to 1. I think would be something you'd have to pay for though isn't it.

I see what you're saying, but:

i'd say overall it's situations where he's feeling helpless or emasculated

Such as when you refuse to agree with him?

It just sounds a little like that!

Think back over the times you have had disagreements which haven't ended up with him losing control. Were they disagreements that perhaps you didn't feel very strongly about?

Either way, it sounds dangerous to me, and I would be wary of any indication that it could escalate.

but he's reluctant to go and see someone because he thinks it's going to be like a group therapy session and I think he'd prefer 1 to 1. I think would be something you'd have to pay for though isn't it.

If he is truly concerned, he should just go and find out how it works.

read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft amibi

Hope you are ok amibi.