Help - husband keeping secrets

[guapita]

Hi, this is my first time on mumsnet. I don't know where else to turn so am hoping for some advice here....

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely young children. Yesterday, I went onto our shared computer and tried to log on to facebook. I discovered that my husband had already logged on but under a secret account. The account was set up over a year ago when I was 8 months pregnant and he has 3 women friends. The whole thing completely took me surprise as I have never suspected him of anything like this before. Anyway, the account is pretty sparse with no postings but I found some emails to 2 of the women asking them if they would be interested in free reflexology massages. One of them replied and gave her number and that is the end of the conversation.

I have been really upset since seeing all of this. Not only because he is keeping secrets but also not knowing if he has had any additional contact with these women and also what other secrets he is keeping from me.

We have always been quite close but since having my eldest (3) I must admit that the intimacy in our relationship has dwindled. This is partly because he suffered a devastating loss a few years ago which really changed him. Then I got pregnant and things have started to improve and I felt that we were finally back on track now. But now since discovering this, I am consumed with what other secrets he may be keeping from me. He spends hours on the computer every evening and I have noticed that he doesnt like me to see what he is doing and even changes the pages when I come past. Even as I write this I can see how dodgy that sounds :(

I love my husband and am a SAHM so feel completely dependent on him. The questions I have are:

1. I am thinking of emailing these women to ask them what their relationship is with him. is that a wise move?;
2. How should I confront him?

Sorry its such a long post

Sorry you've had such a shock but don't contact the women. They probably have no idea he's a married father of three and it's not them you have the problem with. How to confront him? Ask him straight. "Why do you have a secret FB account and why the hell are you offering massage to other women?".... Then shut up and listen because, if he's as crap a liar as he is at keeping secrets, if you give him enough rope he'll hang himself nicely.

It's unfortunate that you are an SAHM because dependency so often ends up in compromise. But don't let money or 'love' keep you trapped if this turns out to be as bad as it looks. Even if you separate, he would remain responsible for his family. Good luck

'father of two'... that should have been.

thank you Cogito. My main purpose for contacting these women was to see if he had actually made any further contact with them so I have all the facts. He is a bit of a fibber at the best of times so I'm sure I won't get a straight answer out of him.

This is just so out of character, I can't quite believe it. I have gone over it again and again but there can't be a logical explanation can there? at best he is just messing around but there is still no reason to be offering massages...feel so low :(

Well, if he's 'a bit of a fibber' then it's not, actually, that out of character, is it? Has he had or tried to have sex with other women before?

The women are unlikely to tell you anything if they think they are going to get it in the neck from an angry wife. You say yourself your husband is a liar, he's behaving dodgily with his computer, there's little intimacy in your marriage.... if you find secret accounts and e-mails exchanging telephone numbers and offers of massage with strangers, and if he has a reputation as a liar, it's a racing certainty that he's taken it further and is not simply 'messing around'.

The logical explanation staring you in the face is that you're married to a deceitful shit. It is a horrible thing to discover but try to resist the temptaiont to make his excuses for him.... stand up for yourself.

No, he has never done anything like this before. He is a. great dad and hardly ever comes home late or goes out so I don't think he has actually taken this forward. I suspect its more of an online thing. And when I say fibber I mean more that he makes excuses to.avoid trouble so if I ask.him to so.something he will say he was just about to do it etc

But you are right he is deceitful. I spend my whole life taking care of him and our children and this is what I get in return. I know I haven't been great at intimacy either but I.have a baby and still bf and its so tiring looking after her. We are just about to move areas too so the timing couldn't be worse. I don't know what to do.

he's a bit of a fibber, but this is out of character ?

take your head out of the sand, honey

all these threads go the same way, love

first off the OP details seriously dodgy behaviour from their partner

then they say they are a great dad

then they start taking responsibility by saying that they haven't been giving their partners enough sex

have a read around the relationships board...you will see your feelings are totally justified and that you need to confront this, or expect your self esteem to get further and further ground into dust

He may never come home late or go out but it takes no time at all to meet up with someone for a quick knee-trembler. And please stop thinking that what he's doing (whatever it is) is in any way your fault. If he's a practiced liar, if he uses half-truths to get himself out of a hole, then he'll have a million excuses and explanations for what's happened. Don't make his job easier by taking on guilt yourself..

What to do? The only choices really are 'nothing' or 'confrontation'. Both are unpleasant. The 'nothing' option means you retain the status quo but you'll be miserable knowing what you know and keeping it suppressed. 'Confrontation' means life changes for ever but you'd get the problem out in the open.

I would certainly confront him. Short and sweet. You are within your rights to be very angry indeed, he is a deceitful arse and at "best" has been throwing the net wide to see what he can catch, at worst he's met up with women etc.

Don't you dare blame yourself! I despair of this type of self entitled selfish fool. What is wrong with them? Gah.

I will definitely be confronting him tonight. If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't have a problem logging onto his email accounts there and then and letting me look through them. If he doesn't want me to see them then I guess I have my answer. I can't believe this is happening to me. I.have two small children, they don't deserve to be brought up in a broken home. I believe he does love me but I can't live without trust.

Your children also don't deserve to be brought up in a home where their father treats their mother with contempt.... and where their mother is only tolerating their father because she thinks she can't afford to set up solo.

Once this kind of thing comes to light you're in the realm of 'least worst outcome' because there is rarely a good one. Good luck

Is there no way you can check the internet history too before he gets a chance to change anything?

I would check his laptop, emails, internet history and mobile if you can.

Many modern affairs take place during work hours - lunchtimes/half days etc.

How is he with you generally? Is he distant or critical? If so how long has this been going on for?

Remember that great dads do not disrespect the mother of their children.

Let's not be too hasty.

The OP in this thread is doing what the OP's DH in the current thread may be doing: chatting inappropriately to others online.

The person in that other thread is looking for friendship from afar and it sounds fairly innocent stuff. This tom-cat is swapping phone-numbers and offering massage.

is he a professional masseuse ?

sorry masseur is the masculine, ain't it

whatever gender, it's very bloody dodgy

Your trust has already been broken by him being on these sites honey, doesn't matter if he's acted on things or not.

Or is he a poser would-be amateur masseuse looking online to get freebies from pros unsuspecting women?

you could put this on your PC?

Or is he a cross-dressing masseur posing as a masseuse?

I suggest you take him to the vet for gender reorientation, guapita.

It might not curb his lies but at least you'll be spared to make further any trips to the gum clinic after the one you're best advised to schedule for the near future.

Targetting women on the internet by offering "free massage services"? That has to be one of the most dodgy, sleazy things I've ever heard. Ugh. Sorry, but I'd want as much info as possible before wasting any more of my life on such a sleazebag. Ugh.

There is no history on the computer. I had thought of keystrokes but then was worried about safety as we access our bank accounts online...

The thread he had with that lady (whose facebook name is the name of a company) wasnt flirty. it just said would you or any of your friends be interested in some free reflexogy massage. she said yes and gave her number. that was last December and there is nothing else. my gut says that he was messing around and hasn't taken it further. BUT its going to be up to him to prove that and he is broken my trust so even if it was nothing its not acceptable behaviour I know. Going to have it out tonight. Thank you for your messages. I feel a bit stronger about confronting him even though i have been a complete wreck all day. i feel like i am living in a nightmare