Help - husband keeping secrets

[guapita]

Hi, this is my first time on mumsnet. I don't know where else to turn so am hoping for some advice here....

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely young children. Yesterday, I went onto our shared computer and tried to log on to facebook. I discovered that my husband had already logged on but under a secret account. The account was set up over a year ago when I was 8 months pregnant and he has 3 women friends. The whole thing completely took me surprise as I have never suspected him of anything like this before. Anyway, the account is pretty sparse with no postings but I found some emails to 2 of the women asking them if they would be interested in free reflexology massages. One of them replied and gave her number and that is the end of the conversation.

I have been really upset since seeing all of this. Not only because he is keeping secrets but also not knowing if he has had any additional contact with these women and also what other secrets he is keeping from me.

We have always been quite close but since having my eldest (3) I must admit that the intimacy in our relationship has dwindled. This is partly because he suffered a devastating loss a few years ago which really changed him. Then I got pregnant and things have started to improve and I felt that we were finally back on track now. But now since discovering this, I am consumed with what other secrets he may be keeping from me. He spends hours on the computer every evening and I have noticed that he doesnt like me to see what he is doing and even changes the pages when I come past. Even as I write this I can see how dodgy that sounds :(

I love my husband and am a SAHM so feel completely dependent on him. The questions I have are:

1. I am thinking of emailing these women to ask them what their relationship is with him. is that a wise move?;
2. How should I confront him?

Sorry its such a long post

You would most likely only need the keystroker for a week maximum, deos anyone else apart from you or DH have access to PC? If not I'd have it on there.

It's not up to you to prove or disprove anything... this isn't a court of law, it doesn't hang on the quality of the evidence and the old 'innocent until proven guilty' thing doesn't apply. The fundamental issue when you confront him about this and he comes back with explanations is 'do you believe him?' . Not proof, just a gut feel whether he's trustworthy or if he's still telling his little fibs to get out of trouble. If you don't believe him or can't trust him then that's a big problem... and it's entirely of his making.

Why would he offer massages?

I suppose it's a little bit less intimidating than offering cunnilingus ?

I dunno

Why do these sexually-incontinent fuckwits do any of it ?

Reflexology is the ancient art of foot-rubbing, isn't it?

Af

What i meant was is reflexology something that he even knows how to do?

I think it's being offered in the spirit with which Fergie's banker friend offered it to her once....

I dunno Poo, I asked upthread if OP's H was a professional masseur.

Am not sure what difference it makes, though

Reflexology is quite a skilled thing to do though, isn't it ? I don't think any old John, Dickhead or Larry can do it, can they ?

Just wondered how much of a lie the man is living?

Wasn't there another thread a short while ago about the man wanting massages to relieve stress or summat? He dressed it up in high falutin' language but it amounted to very dodgy behaviour.

I would think that the answer lies in his mobile, one of the women gave your dh her mobile and then the messages stopped via fb, therefore I'm guessing he then went on to message her.

Sorry you're going through this, I've been there too and it's awful not knowing the truth.

Ooh yes check phone bills and his phone if you can get hold of it. Before you confront him preferably.

Yes, check his mobile and think about his recent behaviour with it. Has he been guarded with it lately? Won't let it out of his sight? Stays up later than you at night? Sleeps with it by the bed?

If he does any of those things then I'm sad to say he is hiding something from you xx

This is just weird

If a man with a fake profile with only 3 friends contacted you randomly on FB offering massages, surely you would just ignore them? You certainly wouldn't meet up with them, would you? It sounds totally freaky. But then if he already knows them, why bother with all the strange massage emails?

I really don't understand.

Try and find as much out as you can first - as otherwise he may just delete everything else and you will never find out. Then they will bang on and on about how there isn't another 80% to the iceberg ........ and for the sake of your child you may give them a chance ..... then you find something else and just as you are looking at it (on their phone) they magically erase the fb account on their laptop. And then pretend that nothing was going on really - I just panicked because you walked out of the house with my phone. All that kind of crap.

Can't tell that I'm at all bitter can you .

And is there a Mac / mobile phone equivalent for spying software / parental control software. I married a man not a teenage boy FFS - but I'm starting to think there isn't much difference!

Hi, so I confronted him last night. At first he denied having the account but then admitted he had set it up last year to play some jokes on a friend. He said that company had been sending him lots of links and that he sent her the email about massage to freak her out. He said I can phone the number and check and gave me access to his hotmail and phone. He denied any kind of relationship with anyone

I'm so confused now. My gut says he is hiding something probably an online relationship. I really don't think he hasc had a physical one but its irrelevant as the trust has gone. Something just doesn't add up...but what am I supposed to do. I don't want to end our marriage and ruin my kids lives based on a hunch but on the other hand how can I live with someone who can't be honest with me. I'm so upset and confused. He apologised and said he won't use the computer anyone but I just get the feeling he is hiding something. Why is life so shit sometimes....

Ps I should have got more evidence I know but the tension.was killing me and I don't think I could have waited

'My gut says he is hiding something ... something doesnt add up.'

There you have it.

Every month on mn there are at least three or four threads where the guy says he was playing a joke on his mates. They all say it. Like, sure he was, and three times too.

that old chestnut?

"it was a joke, it was nothing"

subtext: I think you are stupid enough to ask no more questions, and if you do persist I can accuse you of being a harridan with no sense of humour

he will be on lock-down now, love, I am really sorry

played a joke on his mates

a mate played a joke on him

yeah yeah

there is never any "evidence" of these "mates" though, and the skanky fuckers backtrack like crazy if you call them on it (properly) and keep calling them on it