Sharing the childcare post ML - DH won't engage with me

[AndBingoWasHisNameOh]

The short version:

DH and I have a 9 month old. I am on maternity leave but am returning to the workplace full time in 5 weeks. We have recently hired a nanny who starts in a few weeks time but I am concerned that responsibilities for being there every morning and evening and covering her holiday is going to fall to me and I?d like advice on how to avoid this.

The longer version (sorry for how long it is but want to avoid drip feeding):

My job is pretty senior professional role and I am well paid. DH works in a different field at a comparable level of seniority but is paid quite a bit more than me. Both of our jobs can involve quite long hours and during my maternity leave DH has been able to come home from work essentially when he felt ready and sees little of the baby during the week. I currently do nearly every night waking (several a night) and am breastfeeding (although baby will take a bottle). DH also goes when he wants week nights and weekends, far more than me. DH is very quick to tell me how very tired he is even though he doesn?t get up at nights and moves to the spare room on the odd occasion he is disturbed by the baby and I find the competitive tiredness frustrating. He has not looked after the baby for more than about 3 hours at a time and that has only been occasional and I normally get texts asking me when I?m going to be home...

Whilst I?ve been on ML I haven?t minded the above (too much) but I?ve stressed to DH that it can?t go on like that when I?m back at work ? that he will have to share night wakings, nanny handovers etc and he goes ?yeah yeah sure? and rolls his eyes at me like I?m being ridiculous.
Anyway, our nanny has some prebooked holidays coming up in the next few months and I?ve tried several times to discuss with him how we?re going to cover them. And basically he won?t talk about it. Apparently it ?will be fine? and I need to ?stop stressing?. We have very little family help available to us (none locally) and so one of us will need to be off work or we need to try and make other arrangements for care for the baby. He also is reluctant to discuss how we will manage one of us getting home for the nanny in the evenings. I can?t help but come away with the impression that he views all of this as my problem rather than OUR problem. And this can?t go on ? whilst I will of course want to see our baby whenever I can but I simply cannot guarantee that I can get away on time every single time ? he needs to pull his weight and do his fair share of childcare.

Generally DH is not an arse but he seems to have a blind spot here and seems to expect the flexibility he?s had for the past 9 months to continue. Downsizing my job is not an option.

Any advice?

If he's going to be an arse, don't discuss - tell eg

DH, I am writing up instructions for nanny. I can get the 7 am train, so you do the handover in the morning, then I can leave work at 5 pm to let her go

Here's the note book we're all going to share
Here's the pot we're putting spending money into

For her first week's holiday, I can take time off
Week 2, you can do it. I've sent you an outlook invite so it's in your diary

Etc etc
Repeat as needed

I have no advice but am in almost exactly the same situation (am returning to work with 10 month old twins in 2 weeks time but only 3 days a week, and although I previously earned slightly more than DH I will now be on 60% pay. I have tried to have conversation re covering holiday, sick and he won't listen ) so I am watching this thread with interest.

"It will be fine, stop stressing" actually means "STFU! and stop nagging me about this boring non problem that has NOTHING to do with ME! Because you'll be doing all of it". You do know that don't you OP?

Stamp on this now, I didn't was too frightened to push the issue, didn't want to appear to be a nag. What happened was I was a single parent doing it ALL for two kids while a Man Child did nothing and I went nuts under the burden of my resentment. Does he do any domestic stuff at all?

When he texts you while you're out don't answer. Go for longer than 3 hours too. Don't let him get away with anything with regards to skiving off. It may work if he's fundamentally a decent chap but be prepared that there are many men out there who see it as The Woman's Job to perform all childcare duties and will become very difficult if requested to do their bit. My ex worked a lot harder at getting out of caring for his kids and doing his bit than he ever would have had to actually doing stuff for them. Hope you haven't got one of those.

I was going to say much the same as EcoGnomist.

By refusing to discuss it, he's making an unspoken assumption about you sorting it out. But you can scupper that, by making a spoken assumption first.

So, for the holidays, how about you say breezily - "OK, I'll take holiday on the Monday, you take Tuesday off and we'll toss a coin for Wednesday" or something. Same for evenings - "you do first half of the week, I do second half" or "you do drop-offs, I do pickups" - think what would work for you without being too unfair on him, then suggest it. Same for nights, and every other possible issue.

Best case, he agrees - worst case, at least he will have to discuss it with you, and try to justify why he won't agree to your plans.

I do agree about making sure you go out sometimes too. Get some things on your calendar to make sure you are going to be out of the house for at least a few full weekend days and some evenings. Nothing like leaving him in charge to make him understand what it's like when he does the same. (And remember, don't ask - at least, not in a "needing permission to go out" way (checking dates are convenient is OK, as long as there's the assumption that you WILL go on one of the dates mentioned)!

Oh another tip - DH is really not like this generally, but as I do do more of the getting ready in the mornings, he was relying on me a bit too much to know everything - "what do we need to take for a day out? what do I need to take them to the park?".

So I drew up some lists - a "going to granny's" list, a "school/nursery bags" list, and a "day trips" list - and stuck them on the inside of a cupboard door.

Now, if I'm trying to get out of the house for some kid-free time and he's asking me all these questions, I just say "look at the list" and swan off out the door. You can apply the same trick to other things, such as baby's routine or where things are kept, as well - then there are no excuses for uselessness!

YEs, definitely be firm with him and put him on the spot, repeatedly. A nice man will realise what he is doing ie that his learned belief that childrearing is women's work has come to the surface. A selfish, sexist man who fundamentally believes that posession of a penis means he gets to do what he likes and his wife picks up all the domestic/childrearing slack will reveal his true colours when challenged, and if he's one of those it's better to know sooner rather than later.

I sympathise despite being childless and having never been in your situation.

Out of curiosity though, can I ask what his attitude was to having children in the first place? Did he push for it? Always talk about it? Agree to having children because you really wanted them?

Not that I think the answers to any of these questions in any way change any of his parental responsibilities but I'd be curious to know if he had really thought much about the realities of having children prior to the birth of your first?

You need to start going out more, now.

He is being hugely disrespectful to you, to just dismiss your concerns in this way.

This weekend, just go out and leave him with the baby and don't respond to texts.
Then we he goes out, text him every hour to ask when he will be back.

At the moment he does not see his child as his responsibility. I would be disabusing him of that notion extremely quickly. I suspect you will be in for a battle, having tried the reasonable route of discussion and had that blocked.

What akaemma says - he's telling you it'll be fine, because he has no interest in the issue and thinks it's down to you.

Oh dear.... you've married a caveman in sheep's clothing!!! Bad luck. These men always look modern and progressive when you meet them but, the minute they become fathers, you find they have 'male chauvinist pig' going through them like a stick of rock. Didn't you realise that he was far too important to sully his manicured hands with the grizzly business of child-rearing? Pay a nanny or leave it to the little woman. 'Why bark yourself when you've got a dog?!'

What was his childhood like? Raised by doting parents taking traditional roles? Never mind.... you have to make this a seriously big deal and force him to take his responsibility seriously or this is how your life is going to pan out from now on.

What works for DH and me during the week is set days eg I will do the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he will do the evenings on those days and vice versa on the other days. We each have these commitments in our work outlook calendars. Any changes are discussed (eg I have a meeting Thursday morning, can I swap with you) and accommodated where possible but the default is set down.

When the childminder is on holiday, one or other of us will propose how we cover it and send the outlook appointments (eg I'll cover tue, you cover Wed and Thursday we'll ask a friend - then confirm the appointment after checking with the friend).

Get into a routine like this and it is neutral.

My DH isn't an arse though so hopefully yours will get with the programme.

Well I think it starts with him getting a better picture of what it means to look after a baby all day.

Go away for the weekend, no mobile phone and let him deal with it.
When you come back, tell him that you will do x night waking for bfing and he will do the others and stick to it.
Look at what sort arrangements suits you re travel etc... and tell him that 'this is what is going to happen'. Talk to him as if you expect him to agree and be happy with the arrangement. Be sure of yourself.
Make him the one in charge during the weekends. You have been doing all the childcare during the week and he has hardly seen his dc. Time for bonding time with daddy me think.

My experience is his biggest argument will be that 'he doesn't know how to give his dc a bath/how to dress him/what to take to nursery

Btw, the solution that TheDoctrineOfSnatch is proposing is the best by far as it accommodates the needs for both partners.

But I get the feeling that your DH is not ready for it because he doesn't feel involved/responsible for his dc's childcare YET.

I think you are right, Lady. DH did Saturday night wakings whilst I was on ML from as soon as I had enough expressed milk, took DS at weekends whilst I popped out and only called if he was crying for a feed and he knew I wanted to come back and feed etc.

Do as others have suggested on here.

Firstly leave him over night with the baby beforehand, stay at your parents, friends, anything.

Then TELL him when he'll be coming home early, late or whatever, put a rota in place if you have to.

By him telling you 'it'll be fine' is basically putting all the responsibility on you. If that's the case, arrange it for him.

I'd also start him doing night feeds etc beforehand too :) good luck

Nice one, quietly!

I have read this thread with interest as it describes the same situation we are in. My 2 are 5 and 4 now and at a local prep school, but since they were 6 months old went to nursery full time, while i worked a stressful, professional job, but still 'expected to do all the night time feeds, drop offs, pick ups etc.
If the children are sick i have to go pick them up, if there's something on at the school (sports day, play etc) i am the one expected to go, when its holiday, i juggle my work time or try to make up hours etc. In the mornings i get up, get myself showered, dressed, ready then get the kids up, kids breakfast, help rally them round to get dressed, teeth clean, shoes on. I am the one who has to think aout what they need to take, do they have book bag with homework in it, do they need PE kit, swimming kit, ballet kit, what has the school asked us to take in that day etc etc etc. Then i go to work.
Husband, gets up, gets dressed, goes to work.
I leave work at 5 to get the kids everyday, then its home, homework, bath, bedtime routines etc. DH comes in at say 7-8pm and asks 'what's for dinner?'
On a weekend, DH thinks he deserves a break as he's been working hard all week......!
Seriously, i feel like a single parent most of the time
I would definitely try to nip this in the bud upfront, straight away, and i think you will need to be really firm and direct as other posters have suggested. DOnt ask him, tell him
BTW i have made my DH sound out to be an arse - he's not, i just really believe he doesn;t think of these things. He will help out and do them if i ask, but i just wish i didn;t have to ask, as i feel like i carry all the burden of responsibility for the family.

Quietly - i applaud you. Maybe i really need to start doing the same!

Wfh, please stop doing that. Please.

(not the applauding - the doing everything!)

wfh - any man who let's his wife do all that while he wafts about in his own little world is an arse.

I am reading some of these. My DH is more involved than some, and I'm a SAHM and he is out of the house 13+ hours a day!

wfhmumoftwo you are a single mum tbh. You should never have to ask. He should see things that needs to be done and do them, on his own accord!
That's what good dads do.

The ones who don't think about childcare arrangement, don't go back home to look after a sick child, need to be told what to do etc... aren't a dad because they haven't taken any responsibility for the child (In your case, not even a financial one as you could be financially independent too). At best they are an unreliable helper.

"At best they are an unreliable helper"

And at worst they are an extra kid....

Wfh what does your boss make of the lack of "load sharing" you describe?