Sharing the childcare post ML - DH won't engage with me

[AndBingoWasHisNameOh]

The short version:

DH and I have a 9 month old. I am on maternity leave but am returning to the workplace full time in 5 weeks. We have recently hired a nanny who starts in a few weeks time but I am concerned that responsibilities for being there every morning and evening and covering her holiday is going to fall to me and I?d like advice on how to avoid this.

The longer version (sorry for how long it is but want to avoid drip feeding):

My job is pretty senior professional role and I am well paid. DH works in a different field at a comparable level of seniority but is paid quite a bit more than me. Both of our jobs can involve quite long hours and during my maternity leave DH has been able to come home from work essentially when he felt ready and sees little of the baby during the week. I currently do nearly every night waking (several a night) and am breastfeeding (although baby will take a bottle). DH also goes when he wants week nights and weekends, far more than me. DH is very quick to tell me how very tired he is even though he doesn?t get up at nights and moves to the spare room on the odd occasion he is disturbed by the baby and I find the competitive tiredness frustrating. He has not looked after the baby for more than about 3 hours at a time and that has only been occasional and I normally get texts asking me when I?m going to be home...

Whilst I?ve been on ML I haven?t minded the above (too much) but I?ve stressed to DH that it can?t go on like that when I?m back at work ? that he will have to share night wakings, nanny handovers etc and he goes ?yeah yeah sure? and rolls his eyes at me like I?m being ridiculous.
Anyway, our nanny has some prebooked holidays coming up in the next few months and I?ve tried several times to discuss with him how we?re going to cover them. And basically he won?t talk about it. Apparently it ?will be fine? and I need to ?stop stressing?. We have very little family help available to us (none locally) and so one of us will need to be off work or we need to try and make other arrangements for care for the baby. He also is reluctant to discuss how we will manage one of us getting home for the nanny in the evenings. I can?t help but come away with the impression that he views all of this as my problem rather than OUR problem. And this can?t go on ? whilst I will of course want to see our baby whenever I can but I simply cannot guarantee that I can get away on time every single time ? he needs to pull his weight and do his fair share of childcare.

Generally DH is not an arse but he seems to have a blind spot here and seems to expect the flexibility he?s had for the past 9 months to continue. Downsizing my job is not an option.

Any advice?

God I suddenly feel very happy with my dh!

We both work(ed) FT (he's been SAHD last four years), v senior positions but we always shared everything equally and took it in turns to take holiday if dc were ill.

He is more organised than me when it comes to school kit/homework/packed lunches etc. My only beef was he never got up in the night because he's the heaviest sleeper in the world! So there were times when I was SHATTERED and, yes, we argued.

ANYWAY I digress. All I wanted to say was that if he doesn't step up to the plate, you could find yourself in hot water at work and that will affect both of you. Can't you appeal to him on that front?

I am MD of company of largely women. I'm all for flexible working and for parents nipping off to assemblies and Christmas plays, plus the odd day off if dc is poorly.

But there have been women who take off far too much time because their partners are leaving it all to them (I could give loads of examples - some also try and take their days off as sick days to hang on to holiday, and again that's just not fair on others who stick to the holiday allowance). And I can't stand for that. It is not my problem and it's not fair on the rest of the team. If their partner won't take equal share then they as a couple must look for extra or alternative childcare. Even the nicest boss (like me ) is not going to accept an unreasonable amount of time off over and above what you have agreed in your return to work terms.

ABingo please don't think you have to stop bf altogether.
I personally found that I was able to bf morning and evenings only for a long time wo any problem at all. During the day, he was getting solids, drinks from a cup etc.. (And no bottle as he has refused them from word go). We did that from about 6~7 months old until over one year old.

I would suggest that you ask the question on how to deal with going back to work in the 'bottle and bfing' threads. I am sure there are plenty of people on there who will give you very good advice.

Again, please don't mix the lack of responsibility from your DH and bfing. Bfing doesn't equal the dad is doing nothing. Parenting a baby (esp when they have moved onto solids) is much much more than just feeding and he can do all the rest (ie 80% of the rest of the work).

Sorry - that was kind of crappy advice. If you can carry on bfing, then of course you should, I just couldn't.

However, I suspect that your DH is using that as a way to avoid responsibility for anything to do with childcare now and he will continue to do so.

If you can get your baby down to a morning and evening feed then there's no reason at all that you can't take turns to get up in the night. I think someone else earlier on the thread said that it might be better if your DH got up in the night if you're trying to get your baby to sleep through. I think that's good advice.

DH has announcehiss wants to play sport this weekend. This means he will be out of the house for about 3 hours. So I announced I would be going to the gym and would be out 3 hours. And when I go I will have to "remind" him (he wont know but to be fair we've been building up feeding) what meals and feeds baby will expect but I'm not preparing it all for him. There is milk in the freezer and food in the fridge/cupboard and he can work out what food to feed her.

I also informed Dh that he will be doing all the nightwakings one night this weekend. He looked confused and said "but DD won't settle for me". I said well you need to practice and she will be ok if you have expressed milk. He can have his choice of Friday or Saturday night. To be clear he did pick DD up when she woke last night with door slamming and held her but after several minutes she was just getting more upset so I felt I had to get up. weekend night off will be spare room and ear plugs.

The whole childcare thing generally I'm going to tackle at the weekend as right now it will descend into a row. However I'm getting quite cross about it all now. I've worked too long and hard to get my new role to let his selfishness risk my success.

Keep at it OP, calm and firm and smiling, and no apologies from you. He may well step up and start doing his share. Or he may not. Some men react badly to being expected to do their fair share of domestic work and childcare - this could take the form of sulking, doing the jobs really badly in the hope of not being asked to do them again, or in the case of men who really hate women and consider them as men's servants and property, it might be seeking sex outside the marriage (because you are a 'nag' and have 'no time for me any more') or it might even be aggression or violence in order to put you in your place: inferior, obedient servant.

I think you're going to be just fine, Bingo :)

Good for you!

Sgb - I'm not quite sure what to say to your post. DH Is being selfish and lazy but because that is easiest for him rather than because I am a woman per se. that hardly makes him one dirty nappy away from becoming a violent adulterer.

Bingo: I am not saying anything about your H in particular, because I don't know him. But lazy, selfish men sometimes become abusive. And it sometimes starts in pregnancy or when the first child arrives.

Re Bfeeding - I said up thread DH did all night wakes for a month before I went back to work when dc was 10 months. This didn't stop the bfeeding - I did morning and evening feeds till 3 yrs and evening feeds till 3 yrs 4 months! It gradually got so if I was there he would bfeed, if I wasn't he wouldn't, without too much stress.

What SGB describes happened to me OP. When we got together and married, a more supportive, kind man you couldn't wish to find. With pregnancy he changed and if I asked for help after ds was born I could expect a tirade of verbal abuse and threats, which DID turn physical. Not saying YOUR dh is like this but some are. She DID make other points in that post too about what might happen, eg doing jobs badly etc. I think it's more an overall picture rather than what WILL happen with your dh.

Good for you OP, keep at it.

Things will get worse before they get better especially with the night Wakings as your DC is used to you and has to learn to settle with your DH.

I had exactly the same situation with my DH when I went back to work. It was quite painful to work through but I now feel we work as a team and out DD gets the best if both of us now.

But as others have said, stick at it and nip it in the bud otherwise he won't know there is a problem and you'll resent him and be utterly knackered

Well done OP!

akaemmafrost. Looking back were there any signs he was going to turn like that?

Well done AndBingo!

And I would also YES to doing things badly so that you don't ask again. My tactic with that was to just ignore that it had been done badly (unless it was a serious safety issue).

OP - night weaning really doesn't mean you have to stop bfing, I bfed both mine to 15 months after nightweaning at 9 months or so and going back to full time work.
(One lazy way of doing this is to give the baby a couple of minutes before picking him / her up, then if no self-settling occurs, take the baby to bed, but don't feed him / her and wear impenetrable pjs up to the neck. I found that dd2 was happy to be cuddled to sleep, but after a while stopped crying at night as the incentive had gone. This is easier and lazier than the official methods of going in and out, rocking to sleep, etc)

This stuck out to me in the OP:

"I can?t help but come away with the impression that he views all of this as my problem rather than OUR problem"

I know it's just a turn of phrase but this suggests very strongly to me that you have tried to help it, tried not to see it this way. I think you will find it much easier to crash through the logistical barriers now you have faced facts, assuming that you have. Now you're just fighting with the situation, rather than having arguments in your head all the time and accusing yourself of disloyalty etc.