Toxic mother now ill

[Mintykins]

Have name changed for this.

My mother and I have not spoken for six weeks. She is was I'd consider to be a narcissistic mother. We've had a few short texts but beyond that nothing.

Now, my dad called me yesterday to say that she has bowel cancer. My dear brother confirmed this.

These past six weeks is the first time I've ever stood up to her and in effect shown her that her behaviour is unacceptable to me. Now she's ill and my guilt is overwhelming.

How do I handle this best? I feel the control is all back with her. I love her, I want the best for her but I could not carry on the way we were.

If it was another relative, how would you handle it? Send a card? Ask to be kept updated?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think I would be tempted to send her well wishes, ask to be kept informed, but leave it at that.

Much love to you.

It's very unfortunate timing, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Her illness doesn't negate her past treatment of you or mean she'll change towards you.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. It must have been a difficult decision to go no/low contact and significant reasons for that choice... It may be that you would be best offering your support to your dad and brother, but still keep her at arms length. You have a right to self-preservation.

I never wanted to be estranged from her but at the same time, I know she'll never change.

I want to support her but at arms length. If I do that though, I will be a very bad daughter. I've always been the best daughter possible, jumping through her hoops and meeting her expectations.

I know she is expecting us children to all rally round and do everything one should do when a member of the family is ill. How can I not without seeming heartless? When someone is ill, you give your all, don't you? Especially if it's your mother.

I'm confused. I was doing so well. I felt sick when I actually stood up to her and she started blanking my texts but I got stronger and felt better as the weeks wore on. And now this. She always manages to claim victim status and now she really is a victim.

AAAAARgh. Yet she's the one who is really ill. I cannot get past this.

Firstly, I would like to express my sorry for your mother. Cancer is a bastard disease that, IMO, very few deserve to suffer.

In your position, I would go see her. Not in the spirit of capitualation but to discover whether a diagnosis of a possibly terminal illness has caused her to review the past or in any way served to alter or modify her views/attitudes.

If you attempt to keep her at arm's length by not visiting her while giving support to your df and db, the guilt you are feeling will be an infinitely bigger burden to you should your mother's prognosis prove to be a matter of weeks/months rather than years, and if she were she to end her days without you having reached some accord.

sorry? sorrow

I feel the control is all back with her.

I'm puzzled by this comment. I somehow doubt that her relationship with you and the amount of control she has over it is at the forefront of her mind right now.

I could not carry on the way we were.

I doubt that will be the case anyway. A diagnosis of cancer tends to change everything.

To be honest I think if she is seriously ill with late-stage cancer (you don't make it clear whether that's the case or what the prognosis is) then you will have to involve yourself - or face the guilt, and probably the disappointment of your DF and DB, for a very long time.

Before giving my all to a medically ill toxic personality, I'd want to know how long I could expect to be swallowing my tongue administering to their needs before making any decision as to whether to throw myself into the breach, so to speak.

Perhaps it's time for you to sit down and work out whether appearances and what others may think of you are more important to you than your personal integrity.

It may be that you reach the conclusion that your past sacrifices on her altar endeavours have enabled you to rest on your laurels untroubled by misplaced guilt.

I think this is the time to put the past behind you. I think your DM needs you right now though she might not express this appropriately. She is in a dark place and needs the people that matter to her. unfortunately we can't choose family. Offer your support op, and if it gets thrown back in your face, then you will be able to forgive yourself should anything happen to her.

Do what is best for YOU, only you can know how you are likely to feel if she dies and you have had no contact. There are no moral wrongs or rights here - it's true that we can't choose our family but that doesn't mean we have to have a relationship with the ones we are lumbered with have.

Cleo- my dad was not very nice. He died a few years ago but right now I'd give the world to have had a chance to make my peace with him.

But of cause it depends on what of feels her DM deserves. I agree

OP not of

One thing i'd ask you to consider, has your mum been a crabit cow because she was in pain? Pain brings out the worst in people, we say things we dont mean and are generally really nasty when pain is getting the better of us.

First find out at what stage the cancer is. I've heard of people making a good recovery (after surgery, colosotomy etc).

If it is serious and terminal she will be more wrapped up in herself and possibly upset and angry over the unfairness of being struck down with this disease than interested in past squabbes.

You can only be supportive and kind to her and other family members, eg DF who might be getting distressed, you don't have a magic wand so don't beat yourself up.

Do you have a better relationship with your dad and brother?
Can you find a way to reconcile keeping your DM at a slight distance (you can be supportive with losing your own identity) with continuing to provide your DDad and DB with the care and support they need? Perhaps they can take on the frontline role of caring for your DM while you give them all the back up and support they need to enable them to get through your DMs illness.

Dryjuice, I'm sorry to hear that but that is your experience and not necessarily how the OP would feel. Just out of interest, why do you feel like that? I honestly can't imagine I would long to make my peace with someone if they had been horrible to me. I think people often feel as if they have 'failed' in some way if they can't make a relationship with a blood relative work (especially a close one like a mother or father) but in reality there's no reason why should get along with people just because you are related and no reason to feel guilty if you don't.

Cleo- I was raised a christian so maybe that makes me somewhat more forgiving ....who knows.

My dad was a selfish/aggressive alcoholic who gumbled the family's money away. Not sure why my mum put up with him.....lets just say there was a lot of angst/collateral damage as a result of his vices. But before he died, he acknowledged his limitations as husband /father and was utterly remorseful. My anger against him softened although they say words are cheap. I forgave him and would give the world to get him to see his GCs just for a day.

Of course op will do what she thinks is best for her circumstances.

I am sorry to hear what's happening. You have my sympathy.

My M was a narcissist who died about 5 years ago. We had limited contact before she became sick (not that she realised this). During the year she was ill, I kept a level of contact that I could cope with, which was not considered enough by her (but then nothing would have been) or by her work colleagues who had no idea what she was really like.

My DF then tried to use me as his emotional dumping ground so that he could feel better, regardless of how awful I ended up feeling, so I had to distance myself a bit from him, too. We now have a much better relationship.

After M died, I grieved for the DM I should have had. There was also a feeling of relief that this awful person was no longer in my life and a feeling of closure. This was not as a result of any conversation we had where she apologised or even acknowledged her appalling behaviour, but because I accepted that a narcissist will never do so.

There is no reason whatsoever for you to feel any guilt. Only you know what you have had to deal with and only you can decide what is best for you to get through the difficult months ahead. All the very very best

I was in this situation with my dad when I heard after 3 years of absolutely no contact, he had an accident and ended up in hospital down south with serious injuries (Broken ribs which punctured a lung, damaged vertebrae, etc)
I found out from my dad's sister's daughter (a cousin who had never spoken to mine in about 15 or 20 years) sent me a message on facebook.
I then had that moment where the guilt takes over and you think "my mum/dad, I have to be there, I should be there" But I wasn't comfortable, so I emailed my half brother (Same dad, obviously) and asked him to keep me updated, and gave him my number so he could text me... He gave this to my dad.
MY dad then rang me the next night from his hospital bed saying he was happy I'd been in touch, etc, etc, and told me in detail about his accident and everything else about him. Then he said the nurse was there to do some tests or something and said he'd ring me the next night... 11 months later and I'm still waiting for his call...

So my point of view is, ask to be kept informed, and seriously consider what you will do should she be taken into hospital for the final stages, as it were. and if you have children, will you allow them time with her or to say goodbye?
It's such a messed up situation though, I'm sorry you're stuck in it

I am not ready to discuss my relationship with DM who died two and a half years ago from cancer. She had been living with it for 27 years. I would like to say though, that some of the best times I ever had with her were when she was confined to a hospital bed and I treasure those memories.

Only you can know the difficulties of the relationship with your M. I do know that none of your decisions regarding it will have been made lightly. Perhaps, if you do choose to see her and maybe help / be with your family during the journey there will be a person you actually want to spend time with.

I agree with Izzy and Spooky that I'd want some idea of the prognosis before making my decision if I were in your position though. Maybe, and again I don't know your relationship with DF and DB, you might want to help them in ways that don't mean you see her.

A tough call, and my heart goes out to you.

My heart also goes out to you, I am in a similar, and yet very different situation in my family, and at the moment it is overwhelming me.

Sadly, the guilt thing often goes hand in hand with'abusive' relationships. The person in my life treated me appallingly, and now needs almost daily support. It is making me ill. I try to create 'buffer' days when i don't answer the phone or texts, for my own preservation.

My guilt is that I 'should' support them, and it is expected of me, not because I care. That is a by product of the relationship. This persons situation isn't making them a nicer person, or change the past, and very selfishly, whatever the outcome, I will be able to look back and feel at peace with myself, as much for other family members involved, that I am doing my 'duty'. Someone else that I love deeply also is affected profoundly, and on the worst days, I think of them and that want I am doing is as much for them as the person I am a tally supporting.

If you do find yourself supporting your mother, and I truly understand your predicament, try to put in place some strategies that protect you. Whether it is time to recharge, or a manner in which you deal with her, or even finding the opportunity to express how damaging your relationship has been. Cancer is awful, and I agree, nobody deserves it, but it doesn't necessarily make people 'nicer' or wipe out their past actions. So however much support you feel you can give, be kind to yourself.

Extraordinary - I have just last night come back from the hospital where my mother has had another 'suspected stroke' - which is all my fault, apparently. At least she's up front!

I've had 2 hours sleep and I'm travelling today so needed the sleep. The last time I saw my mother was for 5 minutes (because the 10 minutes the time before was too long) and even that was too long. the second I see her she starts on - she berated me the minute I got through the door that I am making her ill. I have a totally collapsed relationship with every family member and I only hold on with her because I can't do it to her ie cut her out for good. She's 84 and I hate to say it but....[can't say it]

this is what I hope for you OP: that you negotiate this intense guilt thing, which is a symptom of your relationship, but that it passes quickly and you get back on a healthy footing quickly. If she is a narcissist she won't change. But that doesn't stop me hoping for a miracle in my situation... though I'm not going to be holding out for it iyswim. Not sure if that makes sense - I mean I hope for a miracle but I don't stake my life on it. It's business as usual.

I was chucked out of the hospital by her and my dad because I don't accept that her illness is my fault. The problem is that she is hard of hearing so I have to shout which makes me sound angry and of course I am incredibly angry underneath.. . My voice sounded like a saw.

sorry to drivvle on about myself and my situation [tired]. HOpe you find your footing soon - the old stuff is bound to swamp you initially. Keep the faith iyswim.

I should clarify - I am the family scapegoat and I stopped. the family went ape and about 9 months ago I cut them off. I don't make a song and dance about it, just don't tip up in the expected places.

[tired] - I stopped fulfilling that role (scapegoat).

Springydaffs

In a way, any support you provide will be for your father.
You won't know how your mother's going to behave when you next see her - you can't really know how to behave or what to do until you have some measure of how she is handling things herself.
Sorry to hear of her diagnosis, it is very hard and always a complex thing between mothers and children. Wish you the best.