Is this wrong? (And what is it anyway?)

[knottedheart]

Long story short (I'm a namechanger) my marriage is on the rocks. We are teetering on the edge of separating at the moment, and tbh, the DC are a major thing holding us together. I have health problems and DH has depression which dates back to before we met but which got markedly worse with the arrival of DS and then DD.

We are home together all day (he's my carer), and because my health makes it hard for me to go out, I've started talking to people on skype a lot, a group of friends I get on with really well. One of them in particular I chat to a lot though, a man in another country. Nothing has ever been said - in fact, he's recently been seeing someone else, and I am desperately trying to hold my marriage together, but I find I just connect with this guy on so many levels that aren't there any more with DH, or that never were and I only just noticed.

We are to all intents and purposes just friends, but I find myself turning to him when I feel down, because DH so often doesn't get me right now. (We are on a last chance to get treatment for his MH issues and then that's my dealbreaker gone if he doesn't stick with it.)

But DH has said several times he is worried I will find someone else online, and now I feel like I have, although this man lives in another country and doesn't want children/that life so it could never work if it turns out he feels the same way about me.

I feel so torn up about this. Atm and indefinitely going forwards we are just friends, and we could always be. But, and it's so much more exaggerated by my marriage being on the line, part of me wonders if it could be more, and if that makes it wrong.

I wouldn't put any money on that working out, but what's happened is that you've realised there are other men who you can talk to and who interest you. This is great if you do split up - it's awful if you split up thinking your husband is the only person who knows you well, etc.

If you are wondering then it is a problem. It is so easy to project what you want on to remote people and especially in times of need. They also don't know the real you,warts and all. So you paint a pretty picture in your head and resent DH for not fitting the picture like Mr Imaginary does. I'd cut the contact if you want to give your marriage a real chance. I suspect you already know this is the right thing to do, and that is why you are asking. If it was a female friend then this wouldn't be an issue.

I think you need to stop talking with this friend for a while and concentrate on your marriage, if it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your best shot without a third party, even a platonic one, in the background.
It very much sounds like you're using this guy as an emotional crutch, I agree with what Code said above, it wouldn't be an issue if it was a female friend so maybe you could speak to more girlfriends instead of this guy.
Hope things work out for you x

I think you should use Mr Online as a crutch and a little bit of cheering up for yourself while you concentrate on getting rid of the H you have carried for several years and who would rather whine and moan and bully you than sort himself out.

Well yes, if you've given up on your marriage then this is probably the most tried and tested route to killing any feelings for your husband stone dead, but this other person has feelings too and might not take too kindly to being used as a crutch or as an exit route.

On the other hand if you were being honest in your OP and you are desperately trying to hold your marriage together, this friendship will sabotage those efforts.

The other problem with friendships like this is that they occasionally prop up relationships and elongate them long beyond the point when they could have survived on their own. They act as a life support system long after independent signs of life were last detected. You might be using this friendship to avoid making difficult decisions and might mistake the adrenaline and happiness it gives you, for more satisfaction in life generally.

I didn't see anything in your OP about your husband whining, moaning or bullying - just that he has untreated depression, which must be very difficult for him when he has committed to the role as carer for you and therefore presumably has fewer opportunities to avail himself of the normal depression-busters, such as satisfying work, absorbing hobbies and a varied life. It must be terribly difficult for you too if you are unable to get out of the house much and are cooped up with a depressed person 24/7.

It depends what you want, but recognise the distraction qualities of this friendship and try to behave ethically and kindly to everyone involved.

Without going into too many details, I don't want to entirely cut off contact. I'm self aware enough to know that all this can be is a friendship, and since he is part of a large group of friends both male and female, I don't know how I could cut off contact without losing contact with everyone else. At the moment the only person who "knows" I feel anything (I'm still not 100% sure whether this isn't just a really really good friendship and I want to see him just because I've only had a few good friends) is me.

Part of me is also aware that if it weren't for the DC, I would in all probability have left my DH by now. As much as I do still love him, I'm worn down, and we seem to have so little in common any more. Part of me still hopes that's because of the depression, and that if he gets proper help this time the spark we had will come back, but the other part just feels...hopeless about it all.

I know it's not good to lean on a third party, male or female, and I suppose I'm not surprised that some people think I should cut off contact altogether. It's just hard; pretty much everyone I talk to is online or a mum at the gates who I have nothing in common with.

Have you actually met any of these Skype friends in real life Knotted?

And why would you have nothing in common with other parents in the playground?

What other real life friendships do you have?

If my Dh was uncomfortable or worried about me leaving him I wouldn't be online chatting to someone making matters worse. Even if you know it will never be anything but friends.
You have to have some respect for each other and not do things to make each other feel insecure.
How would you feel if he was chatting everyday to a cute cyber friend on skype and blowing off your concerns about it by continuing to do it.
Feeling insecure about you running off with an online friend may be contributing to his depression. You have to decide if the marriage is important enough for you to work on. That way if it does go pear shaped, you will know you did all you could to work it out.

Do you do anything fun with DH?? I just ask because if you don't then there is no chance of you having anything in common to share. Instead of devoting time and energy to virtual friendships get out and do something positive together without the children if you want to save the relationship - whether it is for your DC or your own sanity. It doesn't have to cost a lot, go swimming, for a walk, etc etc.

It is easy to come up with reasons to keep in touch with the guy you have come to have feelings for, but at least be honest with yourself that you are keeping in touch because you want to maintain the relationship. If that is what you want to do, then fine, but don't con yourself that you have to. You are the one that is in control of the situation so you have to take responsibility for your decisions however hard they are.

You might want to have a read of this thread today.

That poster's DH is doing what you're doing.

Bollocks.... On the other thread the poster's DH has set up secret accounts, taking women's phone numbers and offering 'massage'....

Hmm, sounds like some online communal activity such as a multiplayer game. That's how my marriage ended too.

(OP's group of friends, I mean, not the virtual massage fellow.)

Whereas this poster's DH no doubt knows all about the EA his wife is conducting on Skype. If he doesn't fix his MH issues that's it, she's off and ideally she'd like to turn this Skype buddy into a RL involvement, were he interested.

So that's different then.

Of course it's different. This is nothing more than a glorified pen-pal. No-one's meeting up, swapping phone-numbers or engaging in cyber-sex from what is described.

apocolypto, the H in the thread you are talking about is fishing the net for sleazy sexual encounters

it's hardly the same thing here, is it ?

bad form to link a thread, too. I wonder how the op feels about her own sorry situation being used to prove your point

I have a massive hatred for infidelity of all kinds, but I have sympathy with this OP, haven't you ?

"I find myself turning to him when I feel down, because DH so often doesn't get me right now"

What you've got there is 'a friend'. I think most people turn to friends or work colleagues occasionally when they need an understanding ear - male or female. Most of us take it for granted that we have a private life or a social life where we can chat to various people about various things and don't always include our partner. Your situation sounds very claustrophobic given the various ailments, restrictions and dependencies - not like the vast majority.

Now taking it to another level, treating your friend as a fantasy figure and thinking about meeting up... that becomes 'a crush' and again, I don't think that's unusual. As long as you avoid cruelty or deceit, you should be able to have friends.

I think if the OP thought this was a completely safe friendship, she wouldn't be posting about it and it seems implicit given the H is expressing concern about a generic 'someone online' that he doesn't know about this specific friend, the content of the interactions or that the OP is relying on him to 'get her' in a way that she thinks he cannot.

Perhaps the OP can clarify whether her husband knows all about this man and the depth of friendship, as secrecy is a good indicator of the threat level.

Personally, I think the Op is playing a dangerous game and her interaction with this guy is possibly straying into EA territory

I don't think the OP has any points of reference for a 'safe friendship' which is why she's worried. She's entitled to a private life.

You might be right Cogito, in that case this from the Relate website might help the OP to determine that.

I think there's a big difference between privacy and secrecy.

I think the OP's set-up blurs that difference. Those of us who aren't housebound can get out and about and have private chats with friends and choose not to share the content of those chats with partners without it necessarily being secretive. In a household where everyone is in close proximity 24/7 there is no way for the OP to have a private conversation about a personal matter with anyone else at all unless there's some secrecy involved. Maybe the OP is getting into emotional affair territory with the Skype man in the other country but maybe they're just in need of a friendly voice and a smile. I'm not going to judge that harshly...

I am not judging it too harshly either, but it is what it is

And if Op wasn't worried about what it is, she wouldn't be posting here

OP you're having an EA.

Charbon (i think...) Nailed it by saying its the quickest way to kill your relationship stone dead.

If your partner didn't have MH problems would you feel different? my step daughter has MH probs and frankly they male her very tedious to be around.

VERY.

But... Are you listening to your dh when he says he is scared you'll find someone online? I'm not surprised he is, you're
meeting his every fear, aren't you!

Why can't you cut this tempting contaCt, and sort out the probs between you and your DH. You're daydreaming about a man that will never be, anyway.

Maybe your marriage has run its course. Fine. But don't have an EA to stick the knife in.

So if this all fine and dandy, no incipient infidelity here at all, then presumably the OP's DH knows all about her online friend?

If not, why not? What's the big secret?

I have some sympathy with both of them. At least as much with him. He has MH issues and is her carer. If he doesn't shape up with his MH issues, he's in the last chance saloon and she's off. And she's already got someone in mind.

So when they vowed all that stuff about for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, actually that was just all bullshit, on the OP's part at least.

It's different to the other thread but only in the way the desertion of the partner manifests, because one's male and the other female.

This point seems often overlooked. A man who won't get married on here is routinely dismissed as an immature commitmentphobe. How is a woman who won't stay married not just another immature commitmentphobe?