All the recovered people-pleasers out their..any tips?

[karelomen]

I have recently been working on not being so concerned about what people think of me and trying to be more true to my own needs and wishes rather than bend over backwards for those of others, (usually to the point of being unhappy), its such an undesirable aspect to my personality because I only do it to make people like me.
Ive started by being more assertive and Im getting great results from my employer and DP.
Has anyone got any experience of ridding this behaviour from their lives?

Thanks so much for all of your insight it feels like a very relavent topic for women especially, I am also going to buy that book, can't wait to feel empowered thoroughly!
I liked someone's example about how being a PP is like being an addict you always are pre disposed and it takes a concious effort to get away from it I take hope from the fact that with the right tools you can be in recovery for as long as you wish.
I have had a good moment today I have decided to go part time at work and not feel so indispensable all the time, putting my rest time on the back burner therefore my health.
The way I worded the email was very clear, respectful and factual rather than emotional. A friend reminded me not to feel guilty as it is not a moral issue it is a fact based issue warranting no guilt feelings what so ever.
Just to add the reason I'm going part time is because my studies suffered last year due to my excessive work load and my health suffered as a result of no days off for two years.

Ooh, karel, congrats on prioritising your life balance - and on having a sensible, assertive friend :)

Thank you I am really into this mutually nourishing friendship thing- without them I am not well able to deal with these situations.
Today Im meeting them so wish me luck

Hi, I'm having the same problem, my mum is always undermining me in front of my DC, she "tells me off" in public ( I am 32) and is constantly making me aware that I embarrass her. I have been bottling this up for years and its really affecting my self esteem and confidence. I can feel it all bubbling under the surface and think it will burst soon. My DH is furious about the way DM treats me like a 5 yr old and is encouraging me to talk to her. I'm not sure it will do any good as all that usually happens if confronted is my DM sulks my DD will tell me not to speak to my mother like that a few weeks will pass then we pretend nothing happened :( my sister is very supportive of me and can also see what's going on. Sorry for long post, am new to MN. Sorry :(

Pinkmumma, it won't stop when you're 42 either cos i'm 42 and my mum still talks to me like that. I tell her what I am going to do (or i used to) and she says 'mmmm, NO'.

It's very hard to handle it infront of other people without coming accross as the uptight one, or is that just me? my lack of ability to handle it. FOr a long time, despite trying to please my mother she made me feel (everytime we disagreed) that I was being awkward, making a 'point'. As though I had no right to a different opinion? to have a different opinion was only to make a point?

I wouldn't bother talking to your mum. ALL you can do is just do what you were going to do anyway. I'm working on that! It can be really hard sometimes to figure out what that would be! When your mother has poured cold water on an idea. Is she right? if you went ahead, would it be just to make a point?

i have made decisions about where i will apply to send my children to secondary schools and my mother has no respect for the fact that it is not her decision. She keeps praising one school and trashing the ones I've applied to.

ps, yes, it IS an issue for women more so than men. I don't want to out myself by saying exactly what the issue was, but supposing I'd planned to buy a dog..... my mother over sunday lunch started saying to me why it would be utterly ludicrrous to buy a dog, it was the wrong time, i couldn't afford it, the money would be better spent elsewhere, blah blah blah blah blah. I was addled at the end. I knew I still wanted to buy a dog, but she'd kind of sapped all the joy out of it. And at that point, I wasn't sure it would be worth it for that reason. ANYWAY, my brother was listenning to all of this over lunch without comment, he just kept piling up his plate. Then after lunch he stood up and said I'm off to buy a dog.

Oh LizLemon, I know exactly what you are describing. I actually call it "joy-sucking" & both my mother & ex-H do it. When they don't want me to do something or they are looking for a way about criticising something I already do - they joy-suck. Go on & on about all the negatives & all the reasons for not doing it or why it is a bad thing, that by the time they've finished my enthusiasm is crushed. I frequently don't mention anything at all, so that this can't be done, because it is so depressing.

OMG...this thread just reminded me of a phrase that my parents used to use with us when we were children 'I want never gets'...

Sign up to 'smart intelligent women who say fuck a lot' page on Facebook. The amazing power of 'fuck you' or 'do I look like someone who gives a fuck' cannot be underestimated. I'm being flippant...but there's an element of truth...wouldn't recommend always saying it out loud...but if you say it in your head as a joke to yourself, after a while...it's starts being a little bit more true.

Pinkmumma, can you give up trying to please your mother?

You can't stop her treating you like a 5-year-old, but you can stop responding like one. She's your mother, yes ... and she's only one of four billion women in the world. Her opinion's no better than billions of others, and most of the others aren't so rude.

Block and fog her. Examples:

"I've seen a lovely pink coat"
Oh, no, you'll look like boiled bacon!
"Interesting imagery, Mum "

"Double chocolate chocolate chip chocolate monster muffin, please"
Don't get that, you're too fat!
"Cheers for your opinion, Mum. What I ordered, please"

"Hello, Mum, would you like a cuppa?"
You need to clean that filthy hob!
"Tea or coffee?"

... making any sense? :)

a phrase that my parents used to use with us when we were children 'I want never gets'...

Yeah, mine too :( It's a killer, isn't it. IT'S A LIE!
What about that other phrase: "If you don't ask, you don't get"?
Makes more sense, doesn't it? How else can people know what we want?!

Write lovely, joyful, long lists of "I wants"!

that's so funny cos I laugh at my dd for being very 'ifyoudon'taskyoudon'tget' but my mother is appalled. It was beaten out of me at a young age. (not literally beaten out of me, just, I knew not to ask for too much)

God I need this thread. I am a recovering PP! I have become far more successful about stating what I want and saying no, but I still find conflict, more specifically expressing hurt or disappointment really hard (because people won't love me then!). I could do with some advice.

I am meeting an old friend next week - lets call her Claire. We used to be very close. I haven't seen her for a couple of years (she lives the other end of the country). I've been through a lot recently (bereavements, illness, impending divorce etc.). Claire has managed to leave one phone message and I did get a bereavement card and the usual Christmas/Birthdays. Because I've been coping with so much and suffering from depression, I've found it hard to contact friends. It's also typical PP behaviour. I don't want to ring people up and tell them that I'm miserable, because that's not what they want to hear, I only want to ring them and be entertaining and fun.

So, I really do like Claire, we are old, old friends and have been through a lot in the past. I've missed her and can see that I am partially responsible for us not being in touch, but I also feel like when your mother dies a good friend can do more than send a card and leave a message on your phone for you to call back.

I'd like to be able to express this to her, without it being dramatic. But my tendency is to sweep it under the carpet. I am debating whether I should say anything at all or just carry on the friendship. Is that people pleasing?

If it is, how can I raise the subject that I feel she let me down, without sounding sulky? I'd like us to get back to a close friendship, but maybe that's just unrealistic.

Sorry this was so long, but would appreciate other people's point of view.

This thread has been cathartic to read - so many people with mothers like mine, and twats of ex partners like mine.
I am trying hard to put up some boundaries (and it is hard work) with people in my life. I've noticed since I escaped my ex, that I'm inundated with potentially abusive men seem to think I've got a vacancy.

I'm a bit of a people watcher (of course I am! How else can you please people unless you watch them carefully to see what they want) and have noticed that these people are pretty insecure, and just want to feel better at my expense.
I'm slowly (and politely, of course) withdrawing cooperation from my contacts, and have booked counselling to see if I can change the pattern.

Triffiddealer - I'd meet with your old friend, tell her how much your friendship meant to you, how you realised during the difficult times that you'd missed her support. Then actively suggest ways you could start to reengage with her. If she's not enthusiastic and cooperative, then you have your answer - ditch her.
I don't think it's worth reliving the past although you seem angry with her - you were complicit in this by not wanting to ring her up when you were miserable.

So look to the future - and tell her what you want/need from the friendship.

Thanks LP. I'm sure you're right. It's very weird - I could give a speech in front of 100 people easily, but the very idea of telling someone I care about what I want from a friendship fills me with dread...I still have a lot of work to do.

And yes, it's cathartic, but also sad that so many of us women don't feel able to articulate what we want and need. Glad you got rid of the ex-twat!

Triffiddealer - you could be me, down to the surprise I felt when my friends were actually 'there for me' when ex was a twat. I alway have to be the entertainer, fixer, problem-solver etc in life so it can feel like my needs are never met.

I have had a moment of realising I am letting men be twats because my self confidence has taken a beating from ex-twat, so I need to sort that out before I date.

Life - complicated isn't it? But we're doing ok...

Thanks Garlic and Liz :) I feel better just having spoken about it! Block and fog sounds like a way forward. This and less PP.