I thought i'd be ok if i ever discovered his porn, i did today by accident, and i'm far from ok - not your usual problem though!

[confusedbyeverything]

Namechanging regular here, I apologise for how strange this may seem!

I always prided myself on being ok with porn, and in general I enjoy viewing it as well so i'd be hypocritical to deny DP really.

Well our sex life has disintegrated into twice a month (if i'm lucky) routine of really boring habitual sex. I can predict how it will go every time. So i actively went looking for his porn tonight under the guise of "my laptop is broken can I use yours please" so that I could get some better ideas of what he's actually into (rather than what he's told me he's into, everyone has something they keep back!) yes i know that it's a gross invasion of privacy but I thought it would help.

Anyway, I found it, and, well, it's as boring as our sex life he really is that boring in bed. I had a massive 'face palm' moment over it and just, i don't know, i found it more upsetting than had he been into something more out there and yet i have NO idea why I even find it upsetting, let alone why it's over the nature of the porn!!

It certainly explains why, whenever i've suggested something new (really not even anything that is really 'out there either!!') he's been dead against it and has managed to get our sex life to how he likes it and just how he likes it.

What on earth do I do with this one?

He is Mr fantastic other than this and I love him to bits, but this sex thing is such an issue for me, hence looking for his porn collection, and now i'm just, i don't know, dreading 60years of crap sex!

Thanks for reading and laughing or not laughing or just reading and not pointing and staring and going "weirdo!" at me!!

Yes i know i said in the title that i found it by accident, serves me right for writing the title before the post really! But yes I went snooping

So your saying that your not happy with your sex life but he is? Is that, in essence, what your saying here?

I thought you were going to say it was really out there stuff not this!!

I have no idea what you do other than maybe try and lead him gently to something more exciting? Buy a video and ask him to watch it with you or something that might give him some new ideas and some idea what you are actually after from him.

I am really far from happy with our sex life, yes, it's just a round about way of saying it and yes I have tried talking to him. He is very much a creature of habit - as his porn collection would suggest too!!

Why do you view your sex life as boring? Sorry to be intrusive i'm just trying to get a bit more detail. How long have you been married?

A sex life that only pleases one partner and not both is not going to last the distance. Repression you can deal with through patience and developing trust. Boredom and repetition you can deal with through experiment and spontaneity. If he showed any enthusiasm for changing things up a bit, you'd have cause for optimism but 'has managed to get our sex life to how he likes it and just how he likes it' is pretty selfish. Do you want to be with a selfish person?

Perhaps he just has a limited imagination. It takes two of you though!!

Have you tried something new yourself? Instigated or suggested something you fancy?

Knocked back a bottle of wine for blase confidence, donned a cowboy hat and ridden him like Seabiscuit?

Buy some guidebooks and leave them as indiscreetly as possible within his reading range?

Why on earth would you 'pride yourself' about being ok with porn? Does your husband 'pride himself' about being ok with your porn habit then, or is this a standard that some women judge themselves by?

I don't think anyone can be Mr. Fantastic if he's boring in bed, wants sex that infrequently and also looks at porn. Any of those things would be massive problems in my relationship and the same goes for womenfriends.

Been together 3 years, sex is always the same - he instigates and it is always the same, oral sex, missionary, oral sex. If i try to go on top he pushes me off and rolls over and says he's not in the mood any more, if I try to instigate it anywhere other than the bedroom he pushes me off with a "not in the mood"

I'm not after much, but a change of scene, a change of position... it wouldn't kill him. I daren't turn him down else i'd never have any sex, so i'm opting for boring sex over none at all.

I hate being this negative about him because I really love him to bits, but we're still, in real terms, early days and it shouldn't be THIS dull already (i've had other longer term relationships that didn't fizzle this fast)

It's not a pride that goes beyond me if that helps, i meant it in that I am and always have been fine with any partner of mine using porn if he needs to do so, we all have times when we just need to please ourselves!

This is the only area that he is selfish with which really gets me. He's the least selfish person i've ever met, but this is a pretty huge thing to get selfish over and the rejection makes me feel like shit.

I'm not unattractive (so he tells me) i'm not fat (i'm a curvy size 14) and I don't normally lack confidence, let alone sexual confidence. I just can't get him to see out of his little ways.

why would being okay with porn be something you would pride yourself on?

You're just describing a bad and inconsiderate lover. Bizarre to stick to the same script for three whole years. In fact, after that length of time of being pushed away I'm amazed you have any self-esteem left tbh. Yes, it is the early days of your relationship and ... newsflash... this is probably as good as it gets. What's annoying you today will have you burying him under the patio in a few year's time. Best save yourself the bother.

cross post there.

'okay with porn' means the OP is broad-minded, that's all.

Sounds like something more behind it all, if he consistently says he isn't in the mood.

It's obviously a deal breaker so think you have to lay your cards on the table, and tell him your not happy, and what would make you happy.

It will become such a huge issue for you that he will soon stop being Mr Fantastic. You won't be able to see chokingly past the shit sex, or you'll give up that right for yourself completely, and lose your confidence.

Pushes you off him, if you get on top? WTAF? DH would never turn down a laid back, bouncy norks in the face experience.

You need to stop skirting it and get the discussion going.

It's not me then, he is as sexually strange as I thought he was then.

Not strange, as cogito says, just lazy and inconsiderate, or deeply insecure about something.

This isn't about porn. This is about sexual incompatibility. While it's rotten for you that he doesn't want to experiment, it isn't exactly fair to insist that your partner 'experiments' with sexual activities that s/he doesn't like. It sounds like the two of you are basically not suited to having a sexually exclusive relationship.

Actually, was he brought up religious? That is a common cause of this sort of sexual dysfunction; a deep-seated belief that sex is about the gratification of a man's urge to ejaculate and nothing more, and that 'decent' women endure it rather than enjoying it.

It does sound as if he has an issue with you taking control in the bedroom. Has anything happened to him when he was younger to make him like this?
Have you tried talking to him about it?

See to me it is partly about the porn because that showed me that, as someone said, this is as good as it's going to get with him, that he has no interest in anything beyond what we already do and that that is what gets him off. Fine. But a variation on a theme would be nice every now and then.

SGB no, he was brought up staunchly atheist. I know what you're saying though, but no, he doesn't even have that excuse.

I need to get the conversation going with him and try to get my side accross without him getting too hurt by it, although, it's hurting me by keeping my side quiet so I should just out and out say it needs to change as it is becoming a huge issue.

But he performs oral sex on you op, doesn't he?

So if it was religious hang up stuff would he be doing that Solid?

It sounds like he's going through a series of clinical motions to gain his end result to me.

So basically you follow his script to the letter or there's no sex? What a catch.

Have the talk, op. Then if he reacts badly, you have the posters here for support, and sounding out.

It sounds like a bit more than just "sexual incompatibility" to me, though, if he actually pushes you off him and immediately tells you he's no longer on the mood every time you try to go on top! that sounds deeply unpleasant and distressing to me. It sounds as though may have real issues.