I thought i'd be ok if i ever discovered his porn, i did today by accident, and i'm far from ok - not your usual problem though!

[confusedbyeverything]

Namechanging regular here, I apologise for how strange this may seem!

I always prided myself on being ok with porn, and in general I enjoy viewing it as well so i'd be hypocritical to deny DP really.

Well our sex life has disintegrated into twice a month (if i'm lucky) routine of really boring habitual sex. I can predict how it will go every time. So i actively went looking for his porn tonight under the guise of "my laptop is broken can I use yours please" so that I could get some better ideas of what he's actually into (rather than what he's told me he's into, everyone has something they keep back!) yes i know that it's a gross invasion of privacy but I thought it would help.

Anyway, I found it, and, well, it's as boring as our sex life he really is that boring in bed. I had a massive 'face palm' moment over it and just, i don't know, i found it more upsetting than had he been into something more out there and yet i have NO idea why I even find it upsetting, let alone why it's over the nature of the porn!!

It certainly explains why, whenever i've suggested something new (really not even anything that is really 'out there either!!') he's been dead against it and has managed to get our sex life to how he likes it and just how he likes it.

What on earth do I do with this one?

He is Mr fantastic other than this and I love him to bits, but this sex thing is such an issue for me, hence looking for his porn collection, and now i'm just, i don't know, dreading 60years of crap sex!

Thanks for reading and laughing or not laughing or just reading and not pointing and staring and going "weirdo!" at me!!

doinmummy not entirely sure. His dad left when he was 8 after a physical fight between them but nothing out of the ordinary for a marriage ending figh. He's always seen both parents although both worked full time and he was brought up by his grandparents who spoilt him rotten (only child) but after the age of 8 he had a really good childhood from what he and his family have described to me.

Sounds like he's just a selfish person. What works for him is XYZ. That's what he likes from porn and that's what he likes in the bedroom (and only in the bedroom.) If you don't cooperate he goes off and wanks to porn instead because it always complies with what he wants.

inthe mood, sorry

binfull yes pretty much whats happening, and thanks, i will more than likely need it whatever direction the conversation goes in.

Nope, still don't get it. I think what you mean is that you think some women disapprove of porn and you pride yourself for some reason in not being one of them, especially as you seem to think people 'need porn'. They do not.

Agree this is about sexual incompatibility though and only you can say how important sex is in your life and project the possible consequences of compromising on it. How will you respond if it's the same in 5 or 10 years time?

It is jacques i have broad shoulders but only so broad iyswim

narked this is the thing this is THE ONLY area that he's selfish in. Seriously. He is the least selfish person you could ever meet. He will do anything for anyone if they ask. (Other than giving me a damn good shag over the kitchen table every now and then...)

Perhaps thats his problem. He is unselfish everywhere else so this is the one thing he's decided to do his way and keep his way

I don't think people 'need porn' Beth, I for one don't. But I do believe that the majority of people need some 'alone' time every now and then and if someone needs porn then so be it, i'm not adverse to a partner using it. Usually it's a good place to start to spice up the bedroom too - hence going snooping at his collection...

Does he understand it isn't fun for you? If so, does he care?

I suppose it's possible that if you fixated on a particular scenario from a young age as your wank fodder that you could become dependent on that for sexual release. Is it possible that this XYZ has become 'sex' for him?

Does he talk about sex with you? Initiate sex eg in the living room?

Oh I think everyone likes to masturbate, but I don't think anyone needs porn to do it, that's all.

Maybe that's one of the problems then. He prefers wanking to the porn he likes, than sex with a partner? As someone said, his sexual response is always on his terms then and it's something he can control, without ever having to give anything back?

I'm not sure he does understand tbh. It's almost like he knows he can get me off through oral sex and so doesn't seem to think I need anything more than that and I don't think it's a case of not caring because if he didn't care he wouldn't even do that I wouldn't think.

narked I think that could be the problem. I know I purposefully shift my fantasies around in my head so that I don't have any difficulties or become fixated on one thing. You may have hit the nail on the head.

Right, if that is the problem, how do you get a 30 something person to get out of that habit?! That's a long time to get that into the system!!!

He talks about sex, in so far as he says he enjoys sex, he's loving and affectionate outside of the bedroom, always keen to have a cuddle or a kiss wherever we happen to be but I can never convince him to go beyond that.

Ok good he cares that you orgasm.

If you tell him the angle is more pleasurable for you on top what does he say?

I suppose, as with all things, it's about if he wants to change and is open to it. If he's really uncomfortable with anything new and doesn't want to change there's not much you can do. You'll have to respect that and then make a decision about whether you can live with that.

If he's otherwise kind, loving and respectful it's worth talking it through with him, finding out what things he finds really distasteful and scary and what things he just isn't that interested in, and agreeing to steer clear of the things he actively dislikes but asking him to try, open-mindedly, some of the things that don't actively thrill him but don't horrify him either. Because your enjoyment of sex is as important as his.
IN a happy, functional sex life, if it's a monogamous one, both partners generally give some time to doing things that please the other partner but are not immediately and directly gratifying to the one doing them; the most obvious example is performing oral sex, where what pleasure you get is from pleasing your partner, not from a direct stimulation of your own erogenous zones. There's a difference between that sort of thing and being expected to do something that scares you or is uncomfortable or even painful, for a partner's benefit, obviously.

I don't think there's necessarily anything deep going on here. It's possible he's just a bit crap in bed. In fact he might well feel that he's a pretty damn hot lover because he gives you oral.

Could it be that as you're keeping quiet and trying to approach this oh so softly out of deference for his feelings, that he simply has no idea he is boring you to tears? Maybe you need to spell it out.

If that doesn't work, then your DP is either a selfish idiot or his sexual hangups are such that you may have to accept he'll never get past them. Then you may wish consider the future of your relationship on those terms.