Need motherly advice - any gratefully received.

[vanillabelle]

I need impartial advice, and mum?s give the best advice so I?m hoping I?ll get some replies to help me.

Question:
Should I stay with my partner - I know I want a family and he is unsure.

Brief update on the situation:
I?m 34, my partner is 36. We?ve been on and off for the last 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter.

I?ve been divorced for 4 months, and separated for 2 years before. It?s been a hard 3 years for me ? ex husband turned out to be alcoholic with bi-polar, lost 2 grandparents, made redundant, started a new job a year ago. He?s been there for me through all of this.

Found out 4 weeks ago I was pregnant. His initial reaction was to ?look up the options?. I want a family not a baby ? I want someone to want this with me. Both knew we needed to make a decision, he thought it was not the right time due to our ?on/off? past & he is going to be out of work in 4 months time. I want a baby with someone who wants one with me, therefore decision made. Then I miscarried 2 days later (granted I know this was for the best under the circumstances). We?d had that difficult conversation that turned out to be unnecessary.

I have mixed emotions about making such a huge decision about something I really want, and then miscarrying.

I do not want any of my friends and family to know about this recent situation ? so have no-one I can talk to about this dilemma.

Since the miscarriage we have had a conversation regarding children. He knows I want children ? want a family. He has said he does not know if he wants another child (his daughter was an accident that he was not ready for) ? he feels he still has lots to achieve in life & does not want to be backed into a corner for a decision.

So ? do I wait to see if he wants children? He has spoken about his dream of a house, kids and dog, so I know there could be something there. I am also well aware I am getting older and can?t leave things too late.

I just want to be happy with someone who wants me and wants to have a family with me.

I can?t speak to my mum about this, so I?m hoping some other mums can give me some advice.

Thanks for reading - turned out to be a little longer than I thought it was going to be!

If I was your mum, I would tell you to move on and find someone who shares your life ambitions.

I would choose my children over my DH every day of the week.

And I love my DH dearly.

To 'settle' for someone who doesn't share your goals and doesn't support you when things are tough... I would say, this is not the man you want to base your life on.

Thank you JeuxDEnfants and onceortwice for your replies.

I'm at an emotional and stressful time which does not make things like this easy.

Friends and family can sometimes tell you what you want to hear, so impartial advice is the best thing for me at this time.

I've heard such great things about mums net - thank you for replying so quickly.

If you read your OP back pretending you were reading someone else's story then your DP doesn't come across very well.
My advice?
Find someone lovely who wants the same things that you want.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

It's hard to cope with that in itself; do you have anyone to support you in RL about that?

Then there's the separate issue of how it has shown the differences between the two of you. It's two years on and off, and he is unwilling to commit either to marriage or children. When someone tells you about their priorities believe them Marriage and children are not part of his current plans, and there is no guarantee that they ever will be.

Have you talked to him about a baby?

With all due respect, he has a child, so his dream home / family / dog might really just be the child he already has.

You need to ask him about that.

Sorry, I see you have.... Sorry, but I think you have your answer.

What's the reason you've been on and off with your partner?

To be frank, people who love each other want to commit and then follow through on that (be it marriage, kids buying a house)

A maybe or a not right now especially after your MX is a no

Sorry

ANd I'm sorry for your miscarriage. You need to take time to make sure you deal with that and don't just brush it all under the carpet.

xx

Thank you again ladies.

I do not have anyone I can discuss my miscarriage with - TBH I've been through so much in the last few years I thought I'd be able to cope - but unfortunately this hasn't been the case.

I always thought the day a test came up positive (I have never had to do a test before even with my husband), it would be the happiest day of my life as it would be planned, but it has been the worse 3 weeks even after the difficulties of the last 3 years.

I truly appreciate all of your responses. I'm sure my mum would say the same to me as the general concensus coming through.

Your hormones will still be all over the place after the miscarriage, so I'd give yourself a little time to grieve and for things to settle down before you make a final decision.

That said, why has the relationship been on and off? How has he been there for you all through it, if it's been a split up/get back together rollercoaster type of relationship? It may be that he wants the family set-up, dog etc, but not necessarily with you, sorry.

so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, bloody hideous thing to go through.

Right, do you want to be a mother? Then you, at 34 don't have time to waste on a man who doesn't want to have anymore DCs. He's 36 dating a 34 year old, if he doesn't want to have DCs until he's achieved what he wants to achieve, then he doesn't want to have DCs with you . He could put it off for another 15 years then leave you for a younger woman and have the house, kids, dog, but not with you - you have about 6 years. That's not long.

I'd walk away, if he realises that the woman he wants those things with is you, he'll beg you to come back, but unfortunately, I don't think he'll do that, and you'll waste what's left of your time with a man who won't give you what you want.

And if you settle for no DC with him, eventually you'll hate him for taking away your chance.

Leave.

He has spoken about his dream of a house, kids and dog

And.... what has he done to get there? He's 36, not 26. You've been together for 3 years, and if that's not enough to want this with you now, then either he probably won't ever want it with you, or won't ever want it at all.

It' been on and off for a few reasons. He keeps being unsure - he's had a difficult background. He is someone who makes a decision and sticks to it. But with me he doesn't stick to it.

I know he finds it hard to comprehend I've been married and could feel the same/more about someone else.

The whole family/house/dog thing was a conversation that highlighted his daughter would be part of his dream along with more children - hence why I haven't seen it as a closed door.

I do feel a bit all over the place at the mo - prob hormones and how I've carried on at work as if nothings happened. I'm struggling though - the dr has signed me off for a week from work as I know I need a break from the stress of work and everything else thats going on.

Having replies has truly helped me tonight - so a huge thank you for supporting me. And no need for apologies ladies - its your opinion and honesty, and thats what I was hoping for and you have provided me with. Thank you.

hello, you sound lovely and I am sorry about your miscarriage x I have been there twice and it is beyond shit.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. If I really wanted children, I would understand that fertility at your age is going to start to decline rather sharply very soon

I wouldn't waste any more time with a commitment-phobe, because that is what your partner is

I would cut him loose while you are still on friendly terms, explaining that you need to have a bit of time to play with while you find someone with the same mindset as you

him keeping you dangling with the vague "will he won't he" is monstrously unfair, and could quite easily see out the best of your fertile years if you keep believing his wishy-washy promises

actions rather than words my love, it's a cliche but so, so true

I think your best bet will probably be to end the relationship in a bit.

If he claims to be (or genuinely is) good at decision-making, but vacillates when it comes to you, then it suggests either his feelings aren't strong enough or that he thinks it's not long-term with you, but it's good enough for now.

You could talk to the Miscarriage Association, they have a helpline and I believe run support groups if you wanted to talk to someone in real life.

Sounds like you jumped straight into a relationship with him 2 years ago after going through all that stress with your ex-h. Easy in hindsight, I know, but perhaps some time on your own before starting a new relaionship would have been a better idea. You say he's been there for you through bad times - is it possible that really, deep down you know he has been just a bit of an emotional crutch for you?

Nowhere is there mention of you loving each other. Maybe is just more like affection and habit between you? I really agree with the others - you need to leave this relationship and find someone who shares your life goals.

Oh my goodness, I have so many friends who wasted their thirties on relationships like this one.

They then discovered, basically when it was way too late for them to find someone else and have children, that basically no, he didn't really want a family after all. At least not yet.

Of course, they can always go and find someone younger to have children with later, but the women have all been left childless and without a relationship in their early 40s as a result of their 'waiting for him to be ready'.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear....

All of your advice is very honest.

I do love him. My relationship with my husband had been over longer than I had realised, and after much counselling I realised this. I don't feel my partner has been an emotional crutch - but I will think about this suggestion over the coming days along with all the other responses.

I'm sure you can all understand it is one thing to give advice - in some respects I can see the advice I would give a friend in the same situation - yet when it is your situation it is a different matter. That said, I do appreciate all of your advice, which is all culminating in the same response - which rather says which way I should go with this. It will just take me a little while to come to terms with this being the best solution.

And thank you for the info for the miscarriage association - I have been looking at their website.

And do not worry about telling me things I may not want to hear.

An honest approach is wat I was after with this post - no sorrys required

If you want children you need to ditch him and lay yourself open to possibilities.

If you separated 2 years ago and have been with your partner 2 years too, was there an overlap or a very short time before you went into another relationship? It might have been better to spend more time on your own, working out what you wanted from life and relationships.

Your partner sounds very passive about the children he conceives. If he didn't want children either time, why did he not ensure against their conception? I think this might be contributing to your feelings of bereavement, which I'm also very sorry for.

It's fair enough if he doesn't want children or a committed relationship, but if he's going to keep on having sex he needs to protect against that. I also think you need to focus on whether you're with him because of his qualities as a partner and not just as someone who can provide you with children. Don't stay with someone you wouldn't be prepared to have a childless relationship with.

He 'wasn't sure' 9/10 years ago and he's 'not sure' now?

Headfuck sweetie - sorry. He'll drag you about hither and thither. really, I would guess your stress has a great deal to do with the type of person he is (I'm trying to put that mildly...)

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. shit beyond shit, as someone said ^^ . really effing hurts. Let yourself grieve - that takes a while. I painted my nails red and swanned off into the sunset, expecting to rise above it somehow... it doesn't work like that.

I hope you find somebody lovely who deserves lovely you in their life. I don't think it's him (sorry ) but I'm relieved to hear you're in therapy where you can work your way through this.

I'm sorry for your heartache sweetie.

Hmmn. I think you should move on.

To be brutally frank, a long-term 'not sure' is often about keeping a 'good enough for now' partner in a holding position. He may well want another child, but not now and quite probably not with you.

You really don't want to end up feeling slightly guilty and permanently on the back foot because you seem to have pushed and pushed him into commitment and children and he is not wholly happy. Be with someone who acts positively, commits happily and to you in particular, not just the idea of happy families.

Really, really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've had several and its heartbreaking, particularly as you really want children. Have to agree with the other posters who say I would get out of this relationship asap. I really don't think you can 'wait to see if he wants children' if you are sure that you do. Not at 34. You have basically a couple more years because fertility drops after 35 and plummets sharply at about 38. Seriously. If this is something that is important to you then please don't waste any more time on a man who is less than supportive of you emotionally and doesn't really want a family with you. Best of luck.

I am so sorry for your loss :(

What you need to think about is how long are you prepared to wait for him to be "ready"? At 34 you have time to meet someone who shares your life goals. At 38,39,40 not so much.

What if he keeps you dangling for another 5 years and then announces that actually, he doesnt want children with you after all? As it stands, that is a very real possibility and one you must consider.

Personally, I think he will still be playing the "Maybe, baby" in 10 years, by which time it will be too late for you. And will you still love him then, when you know that his flakiness has taken away your chance to have a family?