Need motherly advice - any gratefully received.

[vanillabelle]

I need impartial advice, and mum?s give the best advice so I?m hoping I?ll get some replies to help me.

Question:
Should I stay with my partner - I know I want a family and he is unsure.

Brief update on the situation:
I?m 34, my partner is 36. We?ve been on and off for the last 2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter.

I?ve been divorced for 4 months, and separated for 2 years before. It?s been a hard 3 years for me ? ex husband turned out to be alcoholic with bi-polar, lost 2 grandparents, made redundant, started a new job a year ago. He?s been there for me through all of this.

Found out 4 weeks ago I was pregnant. His initial reaction was to ?look up the options?. I want a family not a baby ? I want someone to want this with me. Both knew we needed to make a decision, he thought it was not the right time due to our ?on/off? past & he is going to be out of work in 4 months time. I want a baby with someone who wants one with me, therefore decision made. Then I miscarried 2 days later (granted I know this was for the best under the circumstances). We?d had that difficult conversation that turned out to be unnecessary.

I have mixed emotions about making such a huge decision about something I really want, and then miscarrying.

I do not want any of my friends and family to know about this recent situation ? so have no-one I can talk to about this dilemma.

Since the miscarriage we have had a conversation regarding children. He knows I want children ? want a family. He has said he does not know if he wants another child (his daughter was an accident that he was not ready for) ? he feels he still has lots to achieve in life & does not want to be backed into a corner for a decision.

So ? do I wait to see if he wants children? He has spoken about his dream of a house, kids and dog, so I know there could be something there. I am also well aware I am getting older and can?t leave things too late.

I just want to be happy with someone who wants me and wants to have a family with me.

I can?t speak to my mum about this, so I?m hoping some other mums can give me some advice.

Thanks for reading - turned out to be a little longer than I thought it was going to be!

Oh and "The dream" is easy to talk about. I dream of doing many things, but most of them I know I would never actually manage to achieve even with unlimited money/time/support etc. Perhaps in his head he likes the idea of the being Mr Family Man, but in reality, he could never do it.

Many of these not-sure men dump you out of the blue and then very quickly have a baby with someone else...

If you have looked at your life and a baby is the thing you want most, then your current partner is not the man for you.

Oh you poor thing . My GP told me never underestimate the effect of the hormonal come down after a miscarriage. It is a horrible thing to go through, at every level.

I think his attitude would be a deal breaker for me. He won't commit, to marriage or children, and you want both. I think he might one day, but not with you. I don't like the sound of him, I think he is using you.

Put yourself first, 34 is plenty young enough to find someone who will really really want the things that you do.

I know the statistics are this and that but I don't think the fertility scaremongering helps you at the moment tbh. yy 35 and 38 blah blah but not always, many women have healthy babies in their 40s. I don't think it helps with where you're at now to womp you with the statistics. You're grieving, not just a potential baby but also what appears to be an erm unsatisfactory relationship. I'm sorry sweetie. xx

I think it is wise for all women to look at their lives as they are. Children are not guaranteed even if you are 22 (optimal fertility bilogically). You could leave him to have a child with someone else and find you couldn't conceive. You could stay with this bloke and he could leave in a few years and have a baby and "the dream" with someone else. Really you don't know what will happen.

Are you happy with this "unsure" flaky in off relationship really or are you just staying with him because he is someone who you think will give you children one day and who's flakiness reminds you of your ex husband?

This bloke doesn't sound up to much to me, in fact he sounds like a sad case to be completely honest with his "dreams" and his lack of responsibility...

You need to decide if you want children independently from if you want him and which feeling is stronger. He doesn't want children, he won't be a brilliant partner or father if you did have one by the sounds of it. I don't think the dream you have of a baby that is longed for in happy circumstances is very realistic either, that's the dream we are sold but the reality of children and parenthood is more often than not a million miles away from this perfect image and I think it is worrying that your desire for a child is so dependent on conception within the white picket fence happy ending scenario. Children are hard work, being parents together is even harder, you have to each be both very committed to your role as a parent and your role as a lover in order to get through the tough times together.

I think you need to work out how you really feel about a child - raw childhood and you as a mother in all circumstances independent of others, because you cannot control these factors, the only surety would be you being a mother if you had a baby.

It is not necessary to be a mother if you do not want to be, you are not less of a woman without a husband and a baby.

I think you also need to work out how you really feel about this bloke who you have described in a way which only seems negative to me.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage there is a tempest of emotion around your grief which must make things ten times harder but please be kind to yourself and let yourself have time to feel and heal before embarking on self discovery and decision-making. X

Thank you ladies for all your advice.

I have slept on it and the conclusions are as you have all said. It' best to cut my losses.

Packed up his belongings and all ready to have the conversation.

Thanks for being a surrogate mum to someone in need. xx

Vanilla - please keep us posted. I am hoping, somewhere, that you making a stand makes him realise what he is losing.

good luck and take care x

Only just read your thread and I have to agree with the good advice already given. I also think that as you have made a decision so quickly (the right one, I am sure) that you knew that this was the right decision for you all along, deep down.

I hope your conversation goes as well as it can, and that he is happy to make a clean break with you, not keep you dangling as he has been doing.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, and that you don't really have any rl support.
Tbh I think I would leave ur DP and try to find someone who shares your goals etc.
When I first started seeing my DH he told me he definitely wanted children and to settle down etc (he's 10 years older than me) by the time dc1 was 9months DH started being more selfish wanting to go out all the time by the time I was pg with dc2 he had started smoking cannabis behind my back and heavily binge drinking at home every weekend. We are currently on the verge of splitting up as a result.
So based on my experience I would say find someone else. And I know how hard it will be but try not to let your recent mmc colour your decision. I rushed into a marriage and kids as I felt that I needed the baby I'd lost and look where it got me.

X post vanilla hope your ok after your conversation and we're all here of you need a bit of support.
(((hugs))) very un MN I know x

Definitely all here to support you vanilla. YOu're facing two big things - a miscarriage and the end of your relationship. we're here for you xx

Thanks ladies.

I know that life doesn't always plan out how you expected, or dreamed, & it's definately not rosy all the time - hence being a divorcee.

Equally I imagine having children is not an easy ride either - although there are no doubt rewards. I think I want the opportunity to have a family with someone who also wants one. (& prob thinking more about the children aspect after the past few weeks events).

But ultimately, a partner who is on the same page as me, doesn't lie or deceive, and likes me for me - whether that be good or bad charachteristics - would be a starting point. It won't be guaranteed, very few things in life are guaranteed, but certain things 'ticked off the list' of ideals would be a plus.

Thanks for guiding me to a decision I've been reluctant to make - this many people singing the same song can't be wrong.

Thinking about a life 'over there' - ie one imagined and not yet lived - can look very scant sometimes. YOu imagine, vanilla, having a partner who loves you - and who you are - and who is on the same page re family (kids). That's an entirely achievable, as well as reasonably expected, 'ideal'. Settling for someone who isn't quite the ticket but, well, we can tweak this or that - that's not very fulfilling or full iyswim. YOu can expect a good man who wants what you want, otherwise don't bother, it's not worth the effort.

Well done for making this hard decision. Perhaps this latest thing was a litmus test and he's failed when it comes down to it. Better to know now than later, as Edwardor has discovered. Small comfort when it looks like you've lost a lot, and will also be grieving the pg you have lost, but I expect time will tell that you may have 'lost' approx 11st out of your life that was weighing you down and holding you back. You deserve more.

Vanilla, you are very brave. I know how hard it is when you are IN the relationship to heed advice and make a decision thats suits you.

Do keep us posted. I wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear about the MC.

If he's not sure, and he's about to lose his job in 4 months anyway, I'd call it a day with him. If you stay you'll be settling for second best.

Move on and find someone who wants a family with you as much as you want a family with them.

I apologise, I never said how sorry I am about your MC. Do look after yourself. You sound brave.

Hi Ladies,

Again, your support has been a blessing.

I have spoken to him today. A more emotional conversation than I was expecting, and much longer too. I can't change that he isn't 100% sure of whether a family is in his future, and I can't change I know 100% I want that oppertunity at the very least.

Having ended my marriage by having to admit I was no longer in love with or happy in my marriage, this relationship ending is much harder because we do both love each other. To the most extent we do have the same goals, but being a woman with a ticking clock there are some expectations that need to be met, and whereas all other goals and ambitions have been achievable off my own back (education/career), this is obviously something that can't be done alone, and something I don't want to do alone. I want to share this with someone special who wants it with me. And whereas there could be a chance he will want that, there is also the chance he may not - and this is too big a risk for me to take.

This has obviously been on my mind since the miscarriage, and has not been a quick or easy decision. I think I needed confirmation that my thoughts were right - friends and family will err on the side of caution with advice I find - inpartial advice looks at the facts available and sees the situation for what it is. So thank you all again for being honest and telling me how it is.

And where I say I can't talk to my mum/friends about this its because of the miscarriage - I don't want anyone to know about it. I feel stupid for getting myself in that situation, and where as I am very careful about contraception, on this occassion it was a case of the morning after pill that didn't work. Pls don't think I'm totally irresponsible is what I'm trying to say. Whereas I know I won't be judged, I just feel I don't want to disclose this to those that have been there for me.

So once again, thanks for reading, thanks for your advice and thanks for clearing the fog for me. You have certainly made me see sense, and no doubt my friends will also appreciate not having to listen to me bang on about this relationship too!

Expectations exceeded from mumsnet xx

vanilla if you find yourself getting down about the MC and want to talk to someone who isn't "involved" the Miscarriage Association has a helpline:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Best of luck x

well, I certainly wasn't judging you for getting pg! it happens, even with the best laid plans. Perhaps you're judging yourself about it? Please don't if so - you have enough on your plate at the minute without telling yourself off xx